Chapter 32
Chapter
Thirty-Two
HARPER
T he house is quiet around me as I sit in front of the fireplace and work on one of my final papers. It’s not that cold outside, but this house is old and drafty, so even the smallest chill in the air makes it feel like an ice box. Not that I mind, though. The longer I live here, the more the house has grown on me with its dark, moody aesthetic. I can’t think of a better place for the four, soon to be five, of us.
Christmas is in a little over two weeks, and you wouldn’t know it by looking around the house and seeing absolutely no Christmas decorations. When Declan and Emerson get home or Cyrus comes down from painting in his studio, I’m going to ask if they have any holiday decor. I’m guessing the answer will be no.
I finish the paper and email it to my professor, checking one major thing off my to-do list for the end of the semester. I do have to go on campus for two of my finals, but I’m not worried about that. All the bruises are fading, and the cuts are healing.
My mental health, on the other hand, is not bouncing back as quickly as my body. Nightmares plague my sleep, even with all the guys sleeping in the same bed as me. And that’s all we do, sleep beside each other. Aside from hugs, kisses, and the occasional caress, they haven’t been touching me in any sort of sexual or intimate way.
In my darkest moments, I worry it’s because I was nearly raped. I’ll wake up feeling his hot breath on my skin and his hand between my legs. Sometimes I wish they’d just erase his touch from my body, but I’m afraid to ask. Scared to know whether or not they don’t want me now.
“What are you up to?” Cy asks from behind me.
“I was actually wondering if you guys have any Christmas decorations hidden around here.”
His deer in the headlights look is all the answer I need. “We don’t, but we can go get some.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” He tosses me a smile. “This place could use a little holiday magic.”
An hour later we have a cart full of ornaments, Christmas lights, wreaths, garland, and two artificial trees. I couldn’t decide which tree I like more, so Cy just grabbed the tags for both. It’s not like the house doesn’t have room for two trees, so who am I to argue?
We stop to pick up hot chocolate on the way home. It’s the first time I’ve been in a small, crowded space since being abducted. With finals being so close, the coffee shop is completely packed with students studying. All these bodies crammed near me ratchets up my anxiety tenfold.
A guy accidentally brushes against me while making room for a girl to walk past him, and I jump at the touch. It’s a complete overreaction on my part, but being touched by anyone but the guys or my mom is still too much. The guy looks at me like I’ve grown two heads while I mumble an apology.
“Don’t apologize,” Cy positions himself in front of me, an immovable blockade between my body and any other. “Should we forget the hot chocolate?”
“No, you already paid.”
“Money comes and goes, you are irreplaceable.” His hand snakes under my coat, landing on the sliver of skin between the band of my jeans and bottom hem of my sweater.
“I love you.” I look up into his eyes, watching as he melts at my words.
It means as much to him to hear them as it does me. Our similar traumas have bonded us in a way that I’m not sure anyone but us can grasp. There’s a level of understanding that exists between us that transcends everything else.
“I love you, too, asteraki mu.”
He pulls me close and kisses me. I lean against him, letting his strength seep into my bones while he wraps me in his warmth. We stay like that, in our own bubble, until his name is called with our order.
There’s about two hours before Emerson and Declan get home, so if we’re going to surprise them with a fully decorated house, we don’t have a ton of time to waste. One tree goes up in the corner of the living room between the fireplace and windows. The other goes in the gaming room, which is also where we watch movies.
Decorating goes quickly, and by the time the guys walk through the door, we’re settled on the couch together watching television.
“Wow.” Declan walks in first, his eyes widening in surprise as he takes in the decorated tree and mantel. “When did you two decide to do this?”
“This afternoon.” I watch as he walks around, closely inspecting everything. “Is it okay? I just thought the house could use some cheer.” Maybe I should have asked first, it’s his house after all.
“It’s more than okay. It looks great.” He walks over and presses a brief kiss to my lips.
Before it can evolve into something, he’s already pulled back and stepped away. We haven’t talked about the guys’ unwillingness to touch me in any remotely sexual way over the past couple weeks. I understood and appreciated it as I was healing, but the pain and physical reminders are nearly gone now. My bruises have faded. My ribs only hurt when I truly exert myself, like going for a run too soon in my recovery.
But now as they continue to hold back, I’m feeling insecurity grow larger and larger inside me. The thought of them changing their minds lingers in the back of mine, looming larger in the moments when I’m alone. I just want to feel them around me again.
My phone chimes with a text alert from the group chat.
Saylor
Impromptu girls’ night
Emilia
I’m in
Me too! I need it
Emilia
Yassss
Once details are finalized, I stand up and start gathering my things to leave. As I’m putting on my coat in the mudroom, the guys materialize in the doorway.
“Where are you going?” Declan asks.
“Saylor and Lou invited me over for a girls’ night.”
“Alone?” Cy asks.
“I’m picking up Emilia on the way.”
“You should at least let one of us drive you.” Declan clenches his jaw as Emerson sets his hand on his shoulder in warning.
“She’ll be fine,” Emerson tosses me his keys. “Take my car.”
“Text us when you get there and when you leave,” Cy says.
“Don’t you guys have my location on your phones?”
“Yes, but someone could take your phone.” Declan’s glare is out in full force, but instead of making me back down, it irritates me.
“Everything is fine now. My stalker has been taken care of. You guys took care of the asshole who posted the video of us. There are no more threats to my safety.”
Except the possibility of them rejecting me. My heart isn’t safe from that. It hurts to even consider that they might not feel the same way anymore.
The drive to Emilia’s dorm only takes fifteen minutes, but I still somehow come up with three different ways that I’m going to end up heartbroken and alone. She gets in the passenger seat with a smile and hello but does a double take when she sees my glazed over eyes. Her purse drops to the floor as she buckles up and turns toward me in the seat.
“What’d they do?”
“What do you mean?”
“You look like someone stole your puppy. Spill the details.”
I give her a half-hearted smile. “They didn’t do anything per se. Let’s wait until we get to Lou and Saylor’s house that I way I don’t have to talk about it twice.”
“Okay.” She settles back in her seat. “How are you feeling otherwise?”
“Better. I think I’m going to have to take Cillian up on his offer to start therapy, though. I’ve been having nightmares that leave me fucked up for hours.”
“Did you just swear?” She puts the back of her hand against my forehead. “Do you have a fever?”
I laugh and swat her hand away as I pull into the driveway.
“Our innocent little girl is growing up,” Emilia says as soon as Saylor opens the door to their townhouse. “She’s dropping f-bombs left and right now.”
Saylor blinks, clearly not expecting that greeting. “Is she now? I’ll believe it when I hear it.”
“Fuck off.” I smile as I say it.
Their teasing provides a levity I didn’t know I needed. We settle in on the couches, and it takes about two seconds for Emilia to prod me for the story. Saylor and Lou look at me expectantly.
“The guys haven’t been touching me very much since everything happened. I’ll get a kiss here and there, and one of them is always there to cuddle me at night but nothing more.” I take a sip of diet soda. “I’m just unsure of what they’re thinking. If they’re like grossed out by me or something.”
“No.” Saylor shakes her head. “Emerson is not grossed out by you. There is no way in hell he feels like that, and I would be shocked if the others do as well.”
“Maybe they’re just scared? Or worried you aren’t ready?” Lou adds.
I nod. Those are logical conclusions someone should be able to come to without needing reassurance from their friends.
“But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re feeling this way,” Emilia adds. “Have you talked to them about it?”
“No. I don't know how to bring up feeling rejected by them. What if they aren’t ready to be with me physically after what happened? I wouldn’t want to push them.”
Saylor gives me a wan smile. “You can’t stay in this limbo forever, though, especially if it’s making you feel sad or rejected. I know regardless of how they’re feeling, they wouldn’t want you to feel like that.”
“You’re right. It’s scary to think about putting myself out there like that.”
“Harper.” Emilia grabs my hand. “You, of all people, are strong enough to have a conversation with the guys you love.”
“No kidding. You’ve been through three lifetimes of horrible shit.”
“You’re a tried and true badass,” Lou finishes Saylor’s thought.
“If worse comes to worst you could always just strip down and tell them you need a good fucking,” Emilia says.
“Ewww.” Saylor grimaces and shivers.
We all fall into laughter, and the conversation moves along. I’m able to let go and enjoy myself for the first time in what feels like months. By the end of the night, my sides hurt from laughing, and my cheeks are tired from smiling.