Chapter 15 – Reese
CAN’T I JUST TRAIL OFF AND NOT HAVE YOU GOAD ME INTO FINISHING MY SENTENCES?
REESE
Something smelled good.
Sweet.
Like maple syrup.
It was warm, too. I was so comfortable and relaxed, just floating in a hazy void of soft heat. There was a weight across my chest.
I didn’t want to move a single muscle, but I tried to crack my eyes open. My lids felt like they weighed a thousand pounds, and my throat was as dry and scratchy as sandpaper.
When I was finally able to get my eyes open, all I saw was a long arm draped across my chest, fingers curled around my rib cage. Freckles were bunched beneath fine black hair in a pattern that looked like a star on the inside of his forearm.
I knew that arm. Knew those freckles.
And for some reason I had my hand wrapped around his wrist.
I left it there and let my gaze drift beyond our arms to his legs, which were next to mine but on top of the covers.
His knee was pressing lightly against my thigh, and I could feel his chest slowly rising and falling against my shoulder.
Could feel his small, rhythmic puffs of breath against my hair.
Could feel every inch of him against me.
I was completely wrapped up in Dakota Voss, and…
Something poked at the back of my mind, something uneasy and fearful.
My heart began to pound, and my gaze darted around the room as I completely took it in.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Fuzzy memories drifted through my mind, but they were just vague snippets of things.
Of Dakota.
His face. His voice. His hands.
My chest was too tight, my lungs weren’t working properly, my heart going faster and faster and I couldn’t think, I couldn’t remember what happened.
Dakota’s fingers flexed around my rib cage, and his thumb started to move in a slow, gentle circle. He took a deep breath, and then his fingers were in my hair, softly brushing it away from my face.
“It’s okay,” he murmured, his voice even rougher than usual from sleep. “You want some water?”
“Water?” I rasped. My throat felt like there were tiny daggers embedded in the lining.
Dakota stretched against me, his long body pressing into mine. He murmured, “Yeah, that liquid stuff that keeps you alive. Are you feeling better?” He sounded more awake now, and he pulled me tighter into his body when I started trembling uncontrollably.
When I didn’t respond, he pushed up onto an elbow and now his face was hovering above mine, so fucking close—
“I didn’t take you to the hospital, just like you asked, but fuck, Reese…”
Like I asked? What was he talking about?
The questions were piling up on top of all my anxiety, until they burst from my chest. “What happened? What did I—what—”
Dakota slid his hand over my chest and rubbed in a slow circle.
“Hey. Breathe. Slow down and breathe. If you freak out, I’m gonna start to freak out, and then we’ll just both be freaking out and I’m gonna have to call Val and it’ll be a whole ordeal.
Just breathe, Reese. I’ll answer all your questions. Okay?”
I focused on the soothing circles he kept rubbing into my chest and exhaled shakily. “Okay.”
“All right. Ask your questions. One at a time.”
“Why are you on the bed with me?”
His response came without a single moment of hesitation. “So I could feel your heartbeat.”
I stilled, staring down at the hand on my sternum, and tried swallowing past the thickness in my throat.
“What happened?” I whispered. Was I sick?
“You’re sick. You’ve got the flu, had a really bad fever last night. I think it’s gone now, though.” He raised his hand and pressed the back of it to my forehead. “Yeah, you’re nowhere near as warm as you were last night. You don’t remember?”
A fever?
“No. Not really. I remember….” A blurry Dakota. The fear in his voice. But I couldn’t remember what he said or what I was doing or where I was. “The last thing I remember is going to the bathroom to…to…”
I couldn’t remember anything past that point. Had he seen? Was I wearing pants in the bathroom? Fuck.
“No…”
No. That couldn’t be why—that wasn’t why—
Had he seen the—seen my—
I swallowed, my throat too thick now. “Dakota…did you see?”
His body stilled against mine, hand resting frozen on my chest, and I knew before he even said anything.
There was a long pause, a silence that held the answer to my question, but still he asked, “See what?”
“Did you see?”
“Did I see…what?”
“Did you see my legs? Did you see the—the—my—m-m-my legs?” I was shaking, and I clutched the blanket to try and hide it but my entire body was trembling and there was no hiding that.
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I saw.”
I choked on a sob, then turned and buried my face in the pillow.
The utter humiliation was like a noose around my neck, pulling tighter and tighter, and I couldn’t breathe anymore.
A hopeless defeat spilled into every crevice of my soul, the heaviest disgust with myself, with everything I’d done, following in its wake and settling in my chest.
A hand was on my back, rubbing down, down, up, up, but I was barely processing anything other than the despair that was consuming me.
It was accompanied by a numb resignation that I welcomed greedily, needing anything to drown out the horrible cacophony of emotions that were trying to churn me into dust.
I wanted to run out of the room, wanted him to leave so I could be alone, wanted him to hold me so tight I couldn’t breathe.
“Hey. I know you’re scared, but—”
I lifted my face from the pillow, my voice wet and wobbly as I said, “Scared?” I couldn’t even see him through my tears, and I tried to scoff, but it came out as a cough. I wanted to pretend that every emotion rattling through me right now wasn’t tied to fear in some way. “I’m not scared!”
He stroked a firm hand down my back. “It’s okay, Reese, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
His hand felt so good, pressing me into the bed. Keeping me tethered when all I wanted to do was disappear.
“Why—w-why do you care? I don’t need help. I would’ve been fine! I was fine before you came along! I have never needed you for anything and I don’t need you now! I don’t need anyone!”
In spite of my words, I grabbed hold of his other hand and clutched it hard, bringing it right next to my face. I tipped my head until his fingers brushed against my cheek and cried even harder.
That had drained me, like I’d expelled some of those overwhelming emotions. I sagged into the mattress, was bone tired now, and the sadness was trying to squeeze its way in.
Dakota scooted closer to me and ran his hand up my back to my head, where he threaded his fingers into my hair. “No, you would not have been fine. And it has something to do with me when we share the same room and I find you passed out in our bathtub. I thought you were dead, Reese.”
I turned my head and looked up at Dakota as the guilt poured over me like cement, drowning me in shame and regret.
In spite of his calm words, he looked angry. And not the detached, guarded anger like when I’d run up to him when he was with Everett. This was a wild, fiery anger.
The dark bags under his eyes only augmented the guilt. Had he gotten any sleep?
He kept going when I didn’t say anything.
“I don’t give a shit if you’re pissed. Go ahead, be pissed at me, but I’m not fucking apologizing for helping you and I’m not leaving you, no matter how much you yell at me.
Do you have any idea how scared I was? Do you?
Do you have any clue what it was like walking into that bathroom and seeing you like that?
I thought you were dead. And when you begged me not to take you to the hospital, I didn’t.
” He shook his head. “Yes, you fucking do need someone. You do.”
Dakota didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to bear a single one of my burdens or have me yelling at him after he spent the night looking after me.
So I could feel your heartbeat.
Nausea churned in my stomach, and I squeezed my eyes shut as more tears slipped from the corners of my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, I—” I didn’t even know what to say.
Any kind of explanation wasn’t forthcoming, and I had no idea what my next words would’ve been but it didn’t matter anyway.
My throat was too thick to push anything past it, and I felt stripped completely bare in front of him.
Raw.
Flayed open.
Except there was nothing inside for him to see. He had all my secrets now.
I didn’t know how to deal with any of this. My knee-jerk reaction was to fight, to hurt what was hurting me—but in this case, I was the one hurting me.
Dakota was just trying to help.
But he’d seen. He’d seen my scars, and now…
Now he knew the most horrible truth about me. Now he could see how ugly I really was on the inside and outside, and there was no taking it back. Ever. There was no hiding anymore. Anything else he might see was nothing in comparison to what he’d already learned.
I’d always dreaded this moment, knew it would be horrible, and did everything I could to prevent it from happening. But I had no idea that I would feel like the final vestiges of who I’d been pretending to be would fall away and leave me sitting here as a different person.
That I’d become this ugly, irredeemable, broken thing.
I didn’t know that I’d feel so…empty. That mask was the one piece of armor I had left, and it’d just been ripped from me and torn into pieces.
And it was all my fault, not Dakota’s.
A bitter laugh burned up my throat, sharp and acidic. Got stuck there. Died there.
Why Dakota was even here right now, I didn’t know. Why hadn’t he just left me in that tub? Why had he lain in bed with me?
So I could feel your heartbeat.
Dakota leaned down, his eyes searching mine. “I don’t know how long you’ve been doing this, or why, but you don’t have to carry this alone anymore. I can help you, Reese. I can be there for you. Let me help you.”
The desperation in his voice was all too real. Too terrifying.