Chapter 27 – Dakota
NOT TODAY, SATAN
DAKOTA
Ishouldn’t have said that.
I mean, at least not while we were having sex. But fuck, it had just burst out of me. He was using that mean little mouth and just being so…so him, that I couldn’t hold back.
I hoped that didn’t scare him away.
I hoped he’d say it back to me one day.
Maybe tomorrow.
No, that was too hopeful. Maybe next week. Yeah.
I stared at the long row of boxes and shoes in front of me, then started walking down the aisle.
What kind of shoes would he like? Something like his old pair? But I wanted to get him something new, something he’d never had before.
Something that would last a long time, look good, and be practical all at once.
I tilted my head at a pair of black and white slip-ons. They had a weird swirly design on them and didn’t look like the best quality.
Nah.
I kept moving, perusing the options.
We’d had sex.
Reese had fucked me.
We’d fucked.
He’d put that big fat monster cock inside me.
I wanted him to do it again. I wanted to do it everywhere, all the time. He’d looked like he was struggling so hard to not come the entire time, and fuck that had been so hot and sweet at the same time.
He was so fucking adorable.
But the closer we got, the more my worries grew. I’d never been a worrier, never really dwelled on things very much.
That wasn’t happening with Reese. There was wave after wave of worry crashing through my mind, and I honestly didn’t know what to do with them all.
I’d never worried like this before, and it was really fucking getting to me.
What if he never loved me back? What if he didn’t even like me and was just doing this…for some unknown reason? To pass the time or something? What if he decided this wasn’t for him after all, that I was too much, that I wasn’t enough, that my family was a deal breaker?
The deeper I fell for him, the more my worries grew. I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t shove them down deep into that box I kept everything else in; it was full already, and they just popped right back out and bobbed to the surface like they were life vests and not boulders trying to drag me down.
And the only thing I wanted was for Reese to tell me that all of my fears were unfounded, that I didn’t have to be afraid of any of that.
I wanted him to reassure me, and only him.
I drifted down another aisle of shoes, wondering if I should just tell him all this. He’d called me disturbingly honest, and seemed to like that about me. Should I keep being disturbingly honest? I wasn’t even sure I could hide this. I thought I’d blurt it out as soon as I saw him again.
I pulled out my phone and looked at the time, then sighed. It would still be hours before I got to see him.
I picked up a pair of black shoes that were low-tops with white laces. They had a single flower on the tongue, just an outline done in white.
They were perfect.
He’d probably hate them.
I laughed and picked out his size, then brought them to the register, paid with the money I’d earned from all my years of playing music for a world that hated me now, and left the shop.
This was Reese’s busiest class day and my lightest, so I’d be waiting all day for him to return. Which meant I’d be worrying all day whether I’d bought the right shoes or not.
Oh well. I wouldn’t know until he saw them. Plus I could always exchange them for a different pair. If he didn’t like them, maybe we could go back to the store together.
Yeah. I liked that idea.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I whipped it out, thinking it was Reese—but it was Val.
My first thought was that he was sick again, and I answered quickly. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Oh my gosh, Dakota!” he yelled, and the excitement in his voice stole all the tension from my body and made me smile. “I won! I won!”
I laughed. “What did you win?”
“The NPA competition! I beat out four thousand, seven hundred and ninety two people! I won, Dakota!”
Oh, right. He’d been entering the national photography competition every year since he was old enough to participate. He never thought he would win, but he always tried.
And holy fucking shit, this was monumental—because the winner always got offered some kind of deal with some of the most prestigious organizations that were always looking for gifted photographers.
Val would’ve been fine on his own, but this was a huge leg up and would make things a hell of a lot easier for him.
“Holy fucking shit,” I said. “That’s amazing, Val, congratulations. Where are you? Let’s celebrate—”
“Dad is throwing me a party at the manor next weekend, will you come?”
My stomach sank, but I tried not to let any disappointment bleed into my voice. “Yeah, of course I’ll come. That’ll be great.”
Fuck. I was heading toward Albert’s office right now, and what I had to say to him might make Val’s party a little tense.
“You should bring Reese, too,” Val said. “There’ll be tons of people, I think. Lots of food, Dad’s getting it catered.”
Double fuck. “I can ask him, but no guarantees.”
“Oh. Yeah, no, I get it.” He sounded disappointed, which tugged at my heartstrings. Damn it.
“But I’ll convince him,” I said, having zero confidence I could convince Reese to do anything.
I mean, who the fuck wanted to be around my family? I didn’t even want to be around my family. Val was the exception, but the rest of them?
The biggest concern was Everett, but…if Reese was gonna be in my life—he was, wasn’t he? He’d stay, right? He wanted that too?—then sooner or later, they’d be in each other’s space. And I’d be there to act as a buffer, to protect Reese from him if he tried anything.
Besides, I couldn’t keep living in fear of what Everett might do. At some point I needed to just do or have what I wanted, him and everyone else be damned. So why not start right now?
What if Reese didn’t want the same things I did? What if I was the only one who really wanted this? Or wanted it more?
But wasn’t it worth the gamble? And when I looked into Reese’s eyes, I could see the truth: he felt deeply for me. He felt something for me, whether it was love or a deep attachment and fondness, I wasn’t sure. But I knew he cared about me on some level.
I’d never get those words he’d said when he was sad and drunk out of my mind. Never. And I never wanted to. They were as precious to me as he was, those words, because they’d come from a truth he buried deep inside himself, something he’d dug up and handed to me in a moment of vulnerability.
He trusted me with that truth, and I was going to cherish it.
But damn if I wasn’t feeling kind of insecure about everything. Was that normal? Did everyone in a relationship feel like that? Like they could lose their person at any moment and knew just how devastating that loss would be? Like when that person left, they’d take so much more than they’d given?
Were we even in a relationship? Fuck, this was what I was talking about. One worry led to another, just unlocking a whole new world of worries that were stressing me the fuck out.
I knew that as soon as I saw Reese again, I’d open my mouth and it would all come tumbling out. I couldn’t help myself; I wanted to tell him everything, give him all my thoughts and feelings when I was with him.
Even when I wasn’t.
When I got back on campus, I automatically scanned the area for a glimpse of Reese, even though I knew he was in class right now. I was always looking for him, always wanted to see him, be near him. I wanted to go wait outside his class and drag him off into a dark corner somewhere.
It was very tempting, but right now, I had something important to take care of.
I jogged up the stairs and pushed open the door to the administrative building.
Albert had better be here, and if he wasn’t, I was going to track him down.
That fucking prick.
I was going to find out once and for all if he’d really coerced Reese into monitoring me.
It would make sense why Albert kept asking about my roommate when he’d never cared before.
But I couldn’t shake this quiet voice whispering in the back of my mind that Reese was only doing all of this—was only putting up with me—so he could siphon information to hand over to Albert.
On some level, I knew that wasn’t true. I knew all Reese’s reactions and words and feelings were real. But still, what if…
What if I didn’t actually know?
What if I was wrong?
What then?
What if you bought into all the rumors from day one and had only been paying me lip service since then? What if you, like everyone else, thought I was human garbage? What then?
I wouldn’t know what to do with all these feelings he’d created in me. I wouldn’t know where to put them, what they might turn into. If they’d wilt and decay and turn to dust or if they’d go rancid and become something poisonous, something ugly and nasty and vicious.
I’d never experienced anything like this before, and I had no clue what would happen if that was the case.
I didn’t want to think about it. In the meantime, I’d ask Albert and trust Reese.
“Dakota! Hi, love, how you doin’ today?”
I glanced over at Ilsa, who was smiling brightly at me. It was really hard to smile back. I didn’t want to. Knowing what she did, knowing what she was, all I wanted to do was ignore her.
Val didn’t know yet, and I really hoped he stayed ignorant because I wasn’t sure he could handle the knowledge that Albert was having an affair with his secretary.
What a cliché.
It was fitting for him, I supposed. He was a pig in polished clothing who only talked about good morals but never lived by a single one of them.
“Oh, I’m great, Ilsa.” I flashed her a bright smile, and her own smile wavered.
“That’s—that’s good, dear. Oh, wait, you can’t go in there—”
I waved her off as she started to stand. “Yeah, I can. Don’t worry.”
“No, Dakota—”
Without knocking, I shoved open Albert’s door and slammed it shut behind me.