Chapter 33
Veylor
Ileafed through the pages of yet another courting book, my fingers tracing the edges with a mix of impatience and frustration. Each page seemed to taunt me with its bold, imposing print, the letters almost jumping out to challenge my every glance.
Perfumes, scented sticks, gold, jewels, grand mansions, and seaside retreats—these were the ways to charm someone in a fae court, not in the human world.
But when I encountered the middle-class fae, everything changed.
They preferred simpler gestures, like handcrafted gifts, baskets, or trades involving the best sheep, cows, and other animals with the family.
She didn't have a father to negotiate for her hand, not that I would ever exchange her for livestock anyway.
I rubbed the bridge of my nose and set the book down. From one of the upper shelves, another book drifted toward me. Still, I found no information on humans and their courtship rituals.
Even so, I have dug a hole so deep, it may take me decades to win her forgiveness. Who is to say these acts of courting would even help?
Do humans even court?
I snatched the book out of the air and tossed it onto the table. The pages fluttered under the influence of the magik in my hands, and I watched as it settled on a section about courtship gestures. However, it ended up on a page detailing goblin courting rituals instead.
They show their genitals.
I slam the book shut and run a hand down my face.
She’s already seen mine, it must not be that impressive to her.
I brought this upon myself, and now the Shadows are making me pay. Everything I've done in my life is atonement for my past actions. Should I have left things as they were? Should I have fled with Oryx years ago?
I placed my hands firmly on each side of the goblin tome.
No, I wouldn't have gone through with it.
Reflecting on it, I wanted to eliminate the selfishness of the courts, allowing the lower classes to live without being burdened by heavy taxes while the upper courts basked in unearned wealth and greed.
I’ll never forget seeing the starving faelings in the streets.
How the young faelings were being raised to be married off to older fae for enjoyment.
Now they are all happy, living peaceful lives.
Oryx and I had planned it together, to give freedom to them, to us. I choked back a snarl.
Since crossing paths with Vesper, how can I entertain such thoughts?
The agony of being separated from her for days is excruciating, far worse than when I kept Oryx at a distance.
When they're both out of reach, I retreat into the shadows to be near them, desperate to keep away the searing pain that threatens to consume me if they drift too far away.
It still burns when only Oryx is with me.
I needed her too.
I craved her with an intensity that burned through my very being.
It wasn't just about alleviating the gnawing pain; it was a visceral belief that she was destined to be one of us.
Every moment spent apart only fueled this conviction, transforming it into an unyielding obsession.
I couldn't comprehend the depth of this connection, and now I relentlessly question whether there is a hidden bond that the courts have dared to keep from all the upper class fae.
Could there be such a thing?
How would that work when my soul has been pulverized into dust to make my magik? Would I always hunger for them both?
A sudden warmth at my back made me jump, and I felt the soft whisper of Oryx’s breath against my neck.
His arms encircled me, firm yet gentle, holding me in place as he exhaled heavily.
With a deliberate motion, he nudged the book from my hands, dismissing it with a flick of his wrist. "She isn’t a goblin," he said, his voice low.
I chuckled weakly. “Of course, I know that. I’m grasping at vines to get out of the sinking sand I have put myself in.”
Oryx chuckled and teetered his skull back and forth. “I have news, I have sunk into her mind and…”
I spun and raised a brow. “She has asked you not to do that, Oryx.”
Oryx’s ears dropped as he hunched his shoulders. “I am trying to help. I don’t like to be in the middle of you two,” he whined.
I slowly shook my head and gently pulled away from his arms, feeling the warmth slip away like sand through my fingers.
As much as my body ached to be enveloped in his embrace, to feel his strong arms around me like they used to be, I couldn't betray Vesper's trust. The flicker of longing in Oryx's body movements was unmistakable, yet he also insisted on keeping things platonic while I tried to win Vesper over.
I’d honor her.
I have given Oryx complete access to my thoughts.
He has witnessed our memories and how he pursued me.
Now, he comprehends my quirks better than ever, knowing I was introverted and preferred to stay out of the spotlight until he came along.
He was the one who chased after me, and it took a considerable amount of time for him to break down my defenses and earn my trust.
And when I fell, I fell hard.
While Oryx knows our past memories, we are making new ones. These new ones involved ideas to have Vesper forgive me. Forgiveness from a woman is much different than getting forgiveness from Oryx.
He’s always been quick to forgive. He shouldn’t, but that’s always been him.
Oryx began, “Here is what she wants, you should…”
I placed my hand on Oryx's snout and gave it a soft shake. "No, I won't use that approach. What if she discovers it? She'll believe I deceived her, that I used you to learn how to win her over. It's not honorable, and I refuse to do it."
I moved away, circled the desk, and settled into the chair. Reclining, I gazed out the window. Oryx paced around the library, grumbling to himself about my stubbornness, comparing it to the memories he had observed in my mind.
Meanwhile, I see Benedict outside pruning the hedges.
“Where is Vesper? She’s usually with Benedict when she is not with you.”
Vesper disliked solitude, a sentiment I cannot relate to.
She and Benedict have developed a strong connection, and although I'm not fond of her doing chores, she seems more content when she's busy or contributing.
Unlike most women I've encountered, like my sister who preferred being pampered and receiving gifts, Vesper enjoys being active and helpful.
I know because I tried to leave her a necklace on her pillow and she slung it out the door in anger.
Then another time I tried to leave a book of poetry, one of the romantic kind, and she used the pages to start a fire in the hearth.
Vesper was not one for material gifts, that much I had learned fairly quickly.
Oryx stared out the window. “She’s sleeping in my den. Our pet is tired and I made her take a nap.”
I pursed my lips together. “You left her sleeping?”
Vesper's nightmares have been occurring more often lately.
I linger outside their door as they sleep, tormented by the sound of her cries when she wakes.
It's unbearable, especially knowing that I'm responsible for them.
The guilt felt like shadows were constricting around me, squeezing the breath from my lungs.
I feel powerless, yearning to enter the room and find a way to soothe her.
But I can’t, she doesn’t want me near.
She wanted nothing to do with me.
Oryx nodded. “Nightmares happen at night, it is day. She cannot have daymares.”
I pinched the bride of my nose. “How long has she been—”
A shrill scream came from upstairs. Oryx’s ears lifted in panic and he was out the door before I could follow.
I rushed after Oryx, my heart pounding with fear and dread.
As we reached the top of the stairs, the sound of Vesper's screams grew louder and more piercing.
Oryx burst into his den, with me right on his heels, to find Vesper thrashing in the midst of a nightmare-induced terror.
Her eyes were squeezed shut, tears streaming down her face, while her hands clawed at the bedding as if trying to escape.
If I had my heart, it would have been in my throat.
Without a moment's hesitation, Oryx was by her side, gently but firmly restraining her flailing movements and cradling her to his chest.
I hovered uncertainly in the doorway, feeling utterly helpless as I watched the scene unfold before me. Vesper's cries tore at something deep within me.
I had an instinct to protect and soothe her pain.
Oryx whispered soothing words to her, his voice calming. Slowly, Vesper's movements stilled, her sobs quieting to soft hiccups as she began to wake from the grip of her dream.
Her arms and nails were covered in blood where she had scratched herself. My body felt frozen as I watched Oryx begin licking the blood from her wounds. Her eyes fluttered open, wide with confusion and lingering fear.
"Vesper, it's okay. You're safe," Oryx murmured, his hand gently brushed away the tears on her cheeks. "You were having a nightmare."
What in the Under Shadows have I done?
I stepped further into the room, my heart aching at the sight of Vesper's distress. Oryx's presence seemed to bring her some comfort, but I couldn't shake the guilt that gnawed at me. I had caused her this torment, with my reckless actions and thoughtless decisions.
No wonder she loathed me.
As Vesper's breathing began to steady, she blinked up at Oryx with a mixture of confusion. Her gaze flickered towards me, and I could see the wariness in her eyes, the remnants of fear still lingering within them.
I couldn't blame her for distrusting me, I’d been nothing but cruel to her.
Oryx helped Vesper sit up, his touch gentle and reassuring. The room felt suffocating, filled with the weight of unspoken words between us.
I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat refusing to dissipate. Vesper's eyes flickered to me once more, and I saw a myriad of emotions swirling within them—fear, anger, and a flicker of something else that I couldn't quite place.
"I... I'm sorry," I managed to choke out, the words heavy. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I never wanted to hurt you."
Vesper's gaze bore into mine, searching for something in the depths of my eyes. I felt exposed under her scrutiny, as if she could see through the layers of my facade to the raw vulnerability beneath.
“Does she always hurt herself, after every nightmare?” I asked Oryx within his mind.
“Every time,” he replied out loud for all of us to hear as he licked again at her wound.
My stomach churned.
“I never meant to hurt you, not really, I would never hurt an innocent p-person.” I said as I backed away.
Vesper’s eyebrows rose.
“I never wanted to hurt anyone that didn’t deserve it. I just wanted to protect…” My voice cracked and I turned away.
I sprinted out the door as I ran through the halls of my home, my steps echoing in the empty corridors. Guilt twisted like a knife in my chest, a painful reminder of the harm I had caused.
Vesper's screams still rang in my ears, haunting me.
I couldn't shake the image of her tear-streaked face, the fear in her eyes as she struggled against invisible demons in her nightmares. It was a stark contrast to the strong and defiant Vesper I had come to know, a reminder of the vulnerability that lurked beneath her fierce exterior.
As I reached the courtyard, I slowed my pace, my chest heaving. The cool air of the night brushed against my skin, offering a welcome respite from the suffocating atmosphere inside.
I found myself drawn to the edge of the courtyard, where a solitary bench stood overlooking the sprawling gardens. I sank down onto the bench, my head in my hands.
Guilt and self-loathing warred for dominance.
I did not harm innocent souls, and had inadvertently done so. Her physical form had been healed but forever her mind will be haunted.
I ruined her fighting spirit, I had broken her.
Light footsteps approached me and soon a body sat with me on the bench. “You won’t win her out here will you?” Benedict whispered. “At least you showed her you have a heart.” Benedict shook his head. “Wrong choice of words, emotions. Emotions are what I meant.”
I glanced at him.
“I mean you showed her you have feelings. You literally have a resting bitch face.”
I sat up straight. “I beg your pardon?”
“Vesper says it all the time. You have a resting bitch face. She can’t read your emotions, know what you are thinking, feeling. You just showed her how sorry you are.”
I tilted my head. “Is that what she wanted? For me to bare myself to her?”
Benedict shrugged. "I mean, it doesn't bother me. You're difficult to read. I never know what mood you'll be in when I bring you your tea."
I scoffed and rubbed at my chest. “I did not send those vampires to her…”
Benedict pushed my shoulder. “We all know that, but your actions thus far haven’t shown that. You need to open up. Don’t be a dick.”
“These new phrases must be from that woman because I have never heard such a thing. How can one be a dick?”
Benedict threw his head back and laughed. “Yes, she has wonderful sayings that bring light back to this dreary place.” Benedict lifted his ankle and rested it on his knee. “She’s like the missing piece, huh?”
The obsession with having Oryx and Vesper in my bed consumed my every waking moment. The thought of Vesper allowing me to touch her, to delve beyond the surface and truly understand this enigmatic, otherworldly goddess of a woman.
Her irresistible pull over my senses was maddening, a force that both infuriated and invigorated me. She awakened something damn near feral inside me, a thrilling reminder that I was truly, vibrantly alive.
Benedict patted me on the back. “Never in all my years alive have I seen a triad bonded, but hey, there could be stranger things. This is what is meant to be. I feel it.” Benedict rose from the bench and stepped away.
“It will work out in time, Vesper is a forgiving being. She forgave Oryx from kidnapping her.”
I hummed and lowered my head. “But I have been a dick. Gave her nightmares, made her suffer.”
Benedict smacked his lips. “Then perhaps you keep her up all night so she doesn’t have any nightmares, yeah?”
I rolled my eyes. Surrounded by idiots.