Chapter 8
8
LAYLA
I watch his retreating back as Cole and his brother exit the boardroom. This morning didn’t go anything like I had expected it to. I honestly felt bad about how Cole and I had left things yesterday. It was my fault. I lost my temper. I was hoping I could smooth things over with him before we got started, but as usual when the two of us are in the same space, things got out of control. I can’t blame Cole for his reaction. He was just giving me what I asked for. It turns out, it wasn’t really what I wanted after all. Maybe I do need some of that anger management counseling he mentioned.
As much as it pains me to admit it. I may have been wrong about Cole. I haven’t treated him respectfully since the first moment I met him, even though he hasn’t done anything in particular to deserve my harsh judgment. He just…he pushes my damn buttons. My guard goes up and I can’t seem to stop the urge to lash out whenever I’m around him.
I need a few minutes. I excuse myself as Audrey and John go over the details of the severance packages being offered. Hendrix Equity is being more than fair. Just another reminder of how I misjudged Cole before having all the facts in front of me. He’s cut a good deal with Audrey and her employees. No one will walk away empty-handed or have to worry about where their next meal is coming from.
I close and lock the bathroom door before stepping up to the sink and running my hands under cool water to help clear my head. When I look up, my dark brown eyes stare back at me. Loneliness grips me unexpectedly.
Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? I wonder. You don’t have to be…you could change , my mind answers back.
I’m not sure when I became so bitter and resentful. Have I been like this my entire life? Are the mistakes and bitterness of my parents responsible for what I’ve become? I love my mother and I’m grateful for everything she has done and sacrificed for me. I really am, but maybe it’s come at a cost. Will she be disappointed in me if I stop sharing her feelings—her hatred toward men? I can’t seem to think for myself when it comes to that particular topic.
Then there’s my father. I haven’t forgiven him for what he did to my mother and me, but the bottom line that I’ve come to realize lately is that what happened was between them. It was never about me. He tried to step up where I was concerned. Does he deserve a chance?
The emotions are overwhelming. It’s like I’m encapsulated inside this hard exterior shell, and for the life of me, I can’t seem to crack it open so I can find my way out. I’ve never wanted to before, but as I stare at my reflection in the mirror, I don’t like what I see. Something needs to change. I close my eyes and shake my head. I can’t deal with this crap right now; I have a meeting to get back to.
Before I leave the bathroom, I send a group text to the girls.
Me: SOS. Dinner tonight. Please say you can all make it. I really need to talk to you all.
I add a praying hands emoji for good measure before I hit send. I’ve never done this before—reached out and bared my soul. I’ve been through it with every one of them…I guess it’s finally my turn. I know they’ll all be there.
As expected, everyone drops what they are doing, and the four of us settle into a booth at our favorite Italian restaurant around the corner from the office later that evening. Not an easy feat when all three of them are busy with their own lives. Avery has twin babies and a husband at home. Tori’s rock star husband just got back from a six-month tour, and Maddie…well, her life isn’t exactly perfect right now. Her uncle has recently been arrested and is awaiting trial for the murder of her family and numerous other things. Her on-again, off-again relationship with the man she refuses to admit she’s in love with is off again. For a woman who claims to not want a relationship, she is pretty torn up about it. Jesus, we are two peas in a pod, she and I.
Before we are even fully seated, Avery starts.
“You’re the last person I would have expected to send out an SOS, babe. This must be freaking serious. Start talking and don’t leave anything out.” Concern mars every inch of her beautiful face.
Before I say anything, we all turn off the ringers on our phones, leaving only vibrate on as we turn them over and set them down on the table. It’s a rule we started when we were all still at Columbia. We were all busy then, and we are all busy now. When we are together, our time belongs to us. We used to turn them off completely until babies and spouses came into the picture.
I’m not even sure what I want to say to them. I just need to hash this out and get these strange feelings off my chest. “Am I a horrible person?” I blurt out.
“What?”
“No.”
“Of course not, chérie . What is this about?”
God, I love these women . Three pairs of concerned eyes stare back at me. Well, at least I know I have their undivided attention.
I take a breath. In. One…two…three…and then blow it out just as slowly. “Do I come across as cold, judgmental, harsh?” I look from one to the other. “Scary even? Be honest. I can take it.” I drop my face into my hands. “Oh God, I do, don’t I?”
A comforting arm drops across my shoulder. A hand rubs my back slowly. After a second, another wraps around my fingers and pulls my hand free, forcing me to look up. Avery’s striking violet eyes meet mine.
“You are a strong, passionate, loyal, loving person, Layla. Sometimes you can be a little scary, but only when you think someone you love is being threatened. You’ve certainly given Liam, Grayson and Maddie’s sexy artist friend who shall not be mentioned right now a run for their money, but only because you were trying to protect us. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s who you are, and we all love you because of it.”
“What’s brought this on, hon?” Tori, sitting next to me, asks.
I fiddle with my napkin. This uncertainty is not like me. I’m a take-charge kind of person. Maybe that’s part of my problem. Shit, what is happening to me? I used to like those things about myself.
Emotions tangle in my throat. “I don’t know.” Tears prickle the backs of my eyes. I refuse to let them fall. “I…I just don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, you know?” I blink away the pressure mounting behind my eyes when Maddie pushes a glass of red wine in front of me. I don’t even remember anyone ordering it.
We all sit in silence for a second as I take a sip.
“You’ve threatened to kill for each one of us before, do we need to return the favor?” Maddie asks matter-of-factly. “You know we’ll do it, Layla. Just tell us who has done this to you, because this has to be about a man. Am I wrong?”
I muster a weak laugh. “No. However, it doesn’t call for anything quite that drastic, but thanks. It means a lot knowing you all have my back.” I force a chuckle that I don’t feel.
“Let us be the judge of that.” Her gaze narrows. “What happened?”
“I…I’ve made a terrible mistake and I don’t know how to fix it.” I shake my head. “I can’t fix it. It’s not fixable. I’ve made sure of that.”
“Can you be a little clearer, hon? I’m not following,” Avery prods.
“Cole Hendrix…”
That was a real kiss. I’ve wanted to do that since the first time I saw you in this elevator.
You’ll have to beg me before I’ll ever touch you again.
The memory of that kiss knocks the breath out of my lungs. The second thought only succeeds in amplifying the pressure behind my eyes.
“What did the fucker do?” Tori’s voice cuts through the air like a knife.
“He kissed me.” I shake my head and try again. “I kissed him back, but that’s not what this is about. Well, it started there, but now it’s gotten out of control.”
“You kissed. I thought you hated him?” Avery asks with a confused look on her face.
“Yes. I thought so too. But then he kissed me and… Fuck, I don’t know.” I throw my hands up in frustration.
“I freaked out. I was awful to him. Now he can’t stand me. I can’t blame him. None of this is his fault. It’s all on me.” I manage to summarize the last few weeks into as few words as possible because I’m not proud of how I’ve handled this situation with Cole.
“I think it’s been secretly building since Victor came into my life. Unfortunately, I’ve directed it all towards Cole because I wanted to believe he was just like Victor. I had to protect myself.” I try to explain. To convince myself as well as them.
“But now I realize maybe Victor might not be such a bad guy after all. At least, not towards me. His hands were tied when I was a kid. But”—I pause as I try to keep it together—“I love my mother. She’s sacrificed so much for me.” My voice cracks towards the end.
The girls listen. The dramatics and death threats are over. They don’t ask a ton of questions or try to rehash each detail. They know I don’t have the energy or emotional bandwidth for that right now.
“Okay, let’s break this down. How do you want to handle this. Who do you want to tackle first?” Avery asks. She’s always been the most pragmatic of the four of us.
“Forget about Victor and Cole for now. I think maybe you should start with your mom,” Tori offers. “That’s where it all began. Be kind, but don’t back down. You deserve to know everything regarding her and Victor, and she needs to respect your feelings, whatever they may be. You can’t keep these things bottled up, Layla, it’s not healthy.” I know she’s speaking from experience. Her situation is different. Her relationship with her mother was rocky her entire life until she finally stood up to her about how she wanted to live her life. They don’t speak anymore, but Tori is better off because of it. I don’t want to lose my mother.
A cold sweat breaks out on my forehead at the thought of confronting my mother. I forcibly drag air through my nose to slow down my frantic heartbeat. I don’t want to hurt her.
Tori’s face softens.
“You don’t have to do it today, sweetie.” She clears her throat as she looks to Avery and Maddie for assistance. I feel like such an idiot, dumping all of this on them.
Maddie points at Avery and Tori before turning her finger on herself. “You’ve always been there for us. We’re here for you, however you need us, chérie .”
My other friends nod in agreement.
I stare at the glass in my hand, feeling stupid and embarrassed and a thousand other things in between. “I know. Thank you. I’m sorry for dumping this on you guys without warning. I just…didn’t want to be by myself tonight. And I didn’t want to go home and risk another run-in with Cole.”
“Layla.” Avery places her hand over mine, her voice firm. “You don’t need to apologize. Stay with one of us. My guest room is empty, as long as you don’t mind screaming babies at four a.m.”
“You can come home with me, but I can’t guarantee a quiet night either. Grayson just got home yesterday and…well…he’s been gone for months.” Tori blushes and smiles unapologetically.
“Come to my place,” Maddie adds. “I’m by myself, and honestly, with everything that’s going on in my life, it will be nice to have some company. I insist. You’ll get a good night’s sleep. Unfortunately, I can guarantee there’s nothing going on that will keep you awake. We’ll figure out the rest tomorrow.”
My attempted smile collapses as emotions and relief take over. “Thank you,” I whisper.
Later that night, I lay in bed, unable to sleep despite my exhaustion.
I think about my mother and my father. How their mistakes and differences brought me to where I am today. I don’t blame them. I’m sure they both did the best they could given their individual situations. Maybe Victor did love my mother. I don’t know the whole story there. I do know that he should never have gotten involved with her if he was already married. It doesn’t matter if he was unhappily married or not. I also know that my mother shouldn’t have denied him access to his child, or kept me from knowing him. So many mistakes have been made.
I roll over and punch my pillow, trying to get comfortable. It’s time I took control and got some answers, because one thing I know for certain is I don’t want to continue down this path. I don’t want to end up bitter and alone like my mother, or regret the decisions I’ve made for the rest of my life like my father. I want to be happy. I’ve never thought about what it means to be happy before, and now that I have, I want more—and with a vengeance.
The next morning, I’m on my way to Brooklyn to see my mother. She was surprised when I called bright and early. She was just finishing her shift at the hospital. I told her I would meet her at her house and have breakfast waiting by the time she got home.
I spent the entire drive rehearsing what I would say. But as I sit across from her in her tiny kitchen, clutching my coffee cup in my hands like a lifeline, I realize no amount of rehearsal could prepare me for this conversation.
Luna jumps in my lap, demanding the attention that is currently focused on the woman across from me. “Hey, baby,” I murmur and stretch out a hand. She rubs her head against it, soft and insistent. “Have you been a good girl?”
Luna starts to purr.
“I’ve missed you too, baby. I’m sorry I’m so busy these days.” I scratch under her chin, and she immediately settles into my lap, burrowing her head against my fluffy sweater. Her soft, warm weight is comforting. I really do miss her. I rescued her ten years ago. Taking her with me when I moved out just seemed cruel. This is her home. Besides, Mom needs her more than I do. Her purring vibrates from her body into mine. Leaving her with Mom was the best decision.
My mother sets down her toast and smiles across the table at me. “What’s this about, Layla? I can see the anguish on your face, love. Has something happened?”
“No,” I say, leaning my elbows on the table. “Don’t worry. It’s nothing bad. I just wanted to talk to you about a few things.”
“Oh, phew. Okay, shoot, I’m all ears.” She gives me a curious look but waits for me to continue.
“I met someone.” I hold up my hand to silence her. “It didn’t go well.”
Her face pinches and I could swear I see a trace of regret or maybe remorse. “I’m sorry, Layla.”
“Here’s the thing, Mom.” I try to keep my voice gentle. “This is hard, so please just let me get it out, and then we can talk it through if you still want to.”
She nods. “Okay. Of course, sweetheart.”
“For the longest time, I didn’t think you wanted that for me. A relationship with a man, I mean. After what happened between you and Victor. I wanted to be strong and independent like you. You didn’t need a man, so I didn’t want to need a man either. Even though I didn’t know what needing a man was all about. I’m not blaming you,” I quickly reassure her.
“I’m not a virgin. I’ve had my share of sexual relationships, but I’ve never let anyone in—you know what I’m saying? I never planned on letting anyone in. Then I met Cole, and because of my past”—she pales a little because she knows I mean her past—"anyway, long story short, I judged him unfairly. I don’t know where things would have gone with us. But he got under my skin and made me think about things I’ve never wanted before. It doesn’t matter now. It ended before it really got started. I’ve made sure of that.” The words taste bitter in my mouth.
I forge ahead before I lose my nerve. “I’m here today, talking to you, because I’ve realized I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be bitter about the past. I don’t want those things for you either, but that’s up to you, Mom. I’m hoping this won’t change how you feel about me. We’ve always been there for each other, just the two of us. I don’t want that to change, even if I add a third person into the mix.” An unreasonable pang of guilt and worry pierces my gut.
She drops her eyes from mine and then drinks from her cup. My heart slams against my ribcage. Her expression is unreadable. Please. I’m not exactly sure what I’m begging for… unconditional love, forgiveness, acceptance. All of the above maybe.
“Mom, say something. Please .”
She sighs. “Layla, I owe you an apology.”
“You don’t. That’s not why I’m here.”
“I really do, and honestly, honey, it’s long overdue. I was so angry with Victor—your father—for leaving us. My anger turned into hatred. I wanted to hurt him just as much as he hurt me. At some point, it all just kind of became an entity of its own. I didn’t know how to turn it off. It hurt so bad. I never wanted you to feel that kind of pain, Layla. I know it was wrong, and it wasn’t fair to you to keep you apart from him for all those years. It wasn’t you he didn’t love. I’m so sorry, honey.”
I set my cup down. “Hey, I understand. You were trying to protect me. It’s what mothers are supposed to do. I forgive you, even though there is nothing to forgive. It was just circumstances. You and I are a team; we always have been, and we always will be. Don’t feel guilty. Please, Mom. You don’t deserve the torment. You’ve suffered enough for ten lifetimes. You deserve to live. To love and to be loved. Promise me you’ll try to open your heart to the possibility, and I will too.
She smiles. “I can do better than that. There is someone. We’re just friends, but he’s a man and I actually do like him.” She starts to giggle as she hides her mouth behind her hand.
My eyes go wide. “What?”
“I met someone at the hospital. An architect. He’s smart, handsome and younger than me.” Her cheeks pink at her confession.
My eyes go even wider. “Are you serious? Who is he?” I ask. “Have you gone on a date?” I knew something was going on with her the last time we spoke.
She shakes her head.
“It’s new. He was wondering around, looking for his brother’s room. I helped him,” she says. “He’s divorced, and we just started chatting and couldn’t stop. He’s come by a few times. We go for coffee. He’s bought me dinner once or twice. I don’t have any expectations, but I promise, I’m open to more if there’s something there.”
“That’s good enough for me,” I say, grinning ear to ear.
I hug her. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, honey.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. One down, one to go. I can’t move on until I deal with both of my parents, and I know the next one won’t be this easy.