Chapter 15 Kent
Kent
The night was cool, and the rain was already starting to fall. I hadn’t brought a jacket, but I didn’t dare turn back. Not now. Not after what I’d just done with my stepbrother.
At first, all I felt was anger. I fell back into my old thoughts, blaming James for everything.
If I hadn’t come to live with him, this wouldn’t have happened.
My life and everything in it wouldn’t be upside down.
Now I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted all because of James.
If he’d just chosen to be normal, none of this would’ve happened.
But then the other thoughts broke through. James didn’t choose to be gay. I knew that now. Because I hadn’t chosen to be attracted to him. It just happened. Why now and why him were still a mystery though.
The rain started coming down harder, soaking through my shirt within minutes. I welcomed the cold, the discomfort. It felt like penance for something, though I wasn’t sure what. For jerking off with my stepbrother? For liking it? For running away after?
I walked without direction, my feet carrying me down streets I barely registered. The sidewalks were empty, everyone else smart enough to get out of the rain. But I kept walking, letting the water plaster my hair to my forehead and drip into my eyes.
The helpline counselor’s words echoed in my head. Sexual orientation can be fluid. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for who you are.
But what if I didn’t know who I was? What if twenty-five years of thinking I had myself figured out were just a lie I’d been telling myself?
I thought about Brittany. About all the girlfriends before her. Had I actually been attracted to them, or had I just been going through the motions? Playing the part I thought I was supposed to play?
The answer made my stomach churn. Because now that I’d felt what it was like to touch James, to have his hands on me, to hear him moan my name… everything else felt like a pale imitation. Like I’d been living in black and white and suddenly discovered color existed.
And that terrified me.
I stopped walking, finding myself in front of a closed convenience store, its fluorescent lights casting harsh shadows through the rain. My reflection stared back at me from the window. My hair was plastered down, shirt clinging to my chest, and I looked exactly as lost as I felt.
“What the fuck am I doing?” I muttered to myself.
I’d left James alone in his apartment, probably thinking I regretted what we’d done. Probably thinking I was disgusted with myself, with him. And maybe part of me was. But it wasn’t the part that mattered.
The part that mattered was the one that wanted to turn around and go back. The one that wanted to crawl into his bed and kiss him until neither of us could breathe. The one that didn’t give a shit what my father thought, or my coworkers, or anyone else.
But could I be that person? Could I let go of everything I thought I was and embrace this terrifying new reality?
Thunder rumbled overhead, and the rain intensified, coming down in sheets now. I was completely soaked, shivering in my thin t-shirt. I should go home. I should go back to James and figure this out like an adult instead of running away like a scared kid.
But my feet wouldn’t move.
Whatever this was… it had to stay a secret. For now at least. Nobody could know.
I pulled out my phone, water droplets sliding down the screen as I stared at it. No messages from James. Not that I expected any. I’d been the one to storm out without explanation, leaving him with nothing but confusion and probably a healthy dose of hurt.
My thumb hovered over his contact. I should text him. Tell him I was okay, that I just needed space. But what would I even say? Sorry for freaking out after we got each other off, just having a minor identity crisis in the rain? It sounded so melodramatic.
I shoved the phone back in my pocket.
The street was deserted, just me and the relentless downpour. A car drove past, its headlights cutting through the darkness, and I caught a glimpse of the driver’s face, warm and dry inside their vehicle, probably heading home to their uncomplicated life. I envied them.
My mind kept circling back to the same moment. James’s hand wrapped around both of our cocks, the heat of his skin, and the way he’d looked at me. Not Kent the disappointment. Not Kent the closeted mess. Just... Kent.
And I’d run.
“Fucking coward,” I muttered, kicking at a puddle. Water splashed up onto my already-soaked sweatpants.
But wasn’t that what I’d always been? A coward hiding behind heterosexuality and toxic masculinity because it was easier than facing the truth?
I’d spent years tormenting James for being brave enough to be himself, and here I was, twenty-five years old and still too chickenshit to admit what I wanted.
What I wanted was him.
The realization should have felt like a revelation, but it didn’t. Because deep down, I’d known it for days. Maybe longer. I’d just been too scared to acknowledge it.
Another crack of thunder made me flinch. The rain was coming down so hard now I could barely see three feet in front of me. I needed to get out of it, find shelter somewhere. But the thought of going back to the apartment, of facing James after the way I’d left, made my chest tight with anxiety.
What if he didn’t want me anymore? What if I’d ruined everything by running? What if he’d decided this was too complicated, too messy, and he wanted nothing to do with me?
I wouldn’t blame him if he did.
I kept walking, my shoes squelching with every step. The cold was starting to seep into my bones, making my teeth chatter. I wrapped my arms around myself, but it did nothing to ward off the chill.
This was stupid. I was being stupid. Standing in the rain like some tragic character in a bad movie wasn’t going to solve anything. It wasn’t going to make me any less gay, or bi, or whatever the hell I was. It wasn’t going to change what had happened between James and me.
And it definitely wasn’t going to make me stop wanting him.
I thought about my father’s face at dinner, the disgust barely concealed when James had mentioned Trevor.
That would be me if anyone found out. That look of disappointment and shame would be directed at me.
My boss Derek would hear about it eventually.
The industry I worked in wasn’t exactly known for being progressive.
My friends would make jokes, or worse, they’d get quiet and uncomfortable around me.
My whole life would change.
But hadn’t it already changed? Wasn’t I already different than I was a week ago? Two weeks ago, I’d been in a relationship with Brittany, living a life I thought I wanted. Now I was homeless, confused, and jerking off with my stepbrother.
A hysterical laugh bubbled up in my throat. When had everything gone so completely off the rails?
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I fumbled for it with numb fingers, the screen blurry with rain. A text from James.
James: Are you okay? You’ve been gone for an hour.
An hour? It felt like both longer and shorter than that. I stared at the message, my thumb hovering over the keyboard. What was I supposed to say?
Another text came through before I could respond.
James: Please just let me know you’re safe.
The concern in those words made my throat tight. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t telling me to fuck off or calling me a coward. He was just worried about me.
I typed back with shaking hands.
Me: I’m fine. Just needed to clear my head.
Three dots appeared immediately, then disappeared. Then appeared again.
James: Do you want me to come get you?
I looked around at the empty street, the rain still pounding down relentlessly. I was soaked to the bone, freezing, and probably a good twenty-minute walk from the apartment if not more. Pride told me to say no, that I could handle this on my own.
But I was tired of pride. Tired of pretending I didn’t need anyone.
Me: Yeah. I’m on Fifth and Morrison.
James: Be there in 10.
I found an awning over a closed bakery and huddled under it, trying to preserve what little body heat I had left. My mind was still racing, still trying to process everything that had happened. But underneath the panic and confusion was something else. Something that felt suspiciously like relief.
Because the secret was out. At least between James and me. I didn’t have to pretend anymore, didn’t have to hide what I was feeling. He knew. And he hadn’t run away screaming. If anything, he’d been the one trying to make me feel comfortable, to take things slow.
Headlights appeared at the end of the street, and I recognized James’s car. He pulled up to the curb, and I ran through the rain to yank open the passenger door, collapsing into the seat with a shiver.
“Jesus Christ, Kent,” James said, cranking up the heat. “You look like a drowned rat.”
“Thanks,” I muttered, teeth chattering. “I know.”
He didn’t say anything else as he pulled away from the curb, just kept one hand on the wheel while the other adjusted the vents to point the heat directly at me. I held my hands up to the warm air, trying to get feeling back into my fingers.
The silence stretched between us, heavy and suffocating. I could feel him glancing at me every few seconds, like he was trying to figure out what to say. I kept my eyes on the road ahead, watching the windshield wipers fight against the rain.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said, the words coming out rough. “For running out like that.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“Yeah, I do.” I turned to look at him, taking in his profile illuminated by the dashboard lights. He looked tired, worried. “That was shitty of me. We did something and then I just... bolted.”
James’s jaw tightened. “Do you regret it?”
The question hung in the air between us. This was the moment. I could lie, could tell him it was a mistake and we should pretend it never happened. Go back to being stepbrothers who barely tolerated each other. It would be easier. Safer.
But I was done being a coward.
“No,” I said quietly. “I don’t regret it. And that’s what scared me.”
He exhaled slowly, some of the tension leaving his shoulders. “You scared me too. I thought—I thought maybe I’d pushed you too far. That you were going to come back and tell me we could never do that again.”
“Is that what you want? To do it again?”
James pulled up to a red light and finally turned to look at me fully. The intensity in his eyes made my breath catch. “Yeah, I want to do it again. But only if you’re sure. Only if this is what you want and not just some... experiment.”
“I don’t know what I am,” I admitted. “Gay, bi, whatever label you want to put on it. I don’t have it figured out.
But I know that being with you felt right in a way nothing else ever has.
And I know that sitting in this car right now, soaking wet and freezing, all I can think about is kissing you again. ”
The light turned green, but James didn’t move. A car behind us honked, and he jumped, pressing on the gas. His hand found mine across the console, lacing our fingers together.
“We’ll figure it out,” he said. “Together.”
I squeezed his hand, warmth spreading through my chest that had nothing to do with the car’s heater. “Okay. But… can I ask a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Don’t tell anyone,” I said, the fear creeping into my voice. “I don’t know how long I’ll need to figure this all out. Weeks, months… years… But I don’t want to explain it to anyone before I even understand what’s going on.”
James’s hand tightened around mine for a moment before he lifted it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to my knuckles. The gesture was so tender, so unexpected, that it made my chest ache. Up until that moment, I never knew I’d craved those small touches.
“I won’t tell anyone,” he promised. “Take all the time you need.”