Wicked Surrender (Sinful Scholars #3)

1. Laura

1

LAURA

I t wasn’t often that I had downtime between study sessions and working on assignments. That was just the kind of lifestyle that came with being a full-time pre-med student. I’d made my bed, and I’d lie in it. Mostly, I loved the high of doing well academically. I loved learning and pushing myself.

But if and when I did feel caught up and with a chance to relax in this hectic junior year of undergrad, I sure didn’t want to spend it like this .

“More Brussels sprouts?” my mom offered as she held up the serving dish for me to take some more.

My hatred of the vegetable started when I was a toddler, and it hadn’t changed since. She damn well knew it, too.

I froze and smiled, aware that I’d need to appear polite and sweet, even at this private family dinner at home. “No, thank you.”

My grandmother sighed, as if I were a difficulty to bear. “Come now, Laura.” She furrowed her brow. Or I thought she did. She’d had so much cosmetic work done, she didn’t really pull off many expressions anymore. “Your mother spent all day making this scrumptious meal.”

No, she didn’t. She hired the cook to make it.

“You should be grateful for all the hard work she put into perfecting this for us.”

She didn’t do anything. And when have I ever said anything to suggest I’m not grateful?

She was right about the perfection, though. The Chen family would never settle for anything less and would always expect the best. Appearance mattered more than comfort or personal preferences.

“I’m just full,” I protested politely, not wanting that stinky veggie on my plate. I seldom spoke up or neared the concept of talking back, but those things were just nasty. I knew I was a pushover, but not this time.

My mother lifted her chin, as if I were such a headache by not doing as I was told. Which was ironic as fuck. I followed all their expectations. I always had, and I bet I always would. It was the only way I knew to live. Being forced to be perfect, I grew up with good girl emblazoned on my soul.

I was a straight-A, pre-med student, which was a concentration chosen by my father, the dean of the department. I was an obedient rule-follower who stayed within the neat lines of being a quiet student and a respectful daughter. I was even stuck to my parents’ rigid ideals for me to the point of dating Ethan.

My boyfriend sat next to me during this miserable excuse for a family dinner, not speaking up once so he could avoid being a bother. But they’d chosen him and encouraged me to “get to know him”, all because he was an excellent student and was already accepted into the prestigious med school that was my father’s alma mater.

“Don’t worry. I’ll take some more, please.” My older sister, Mai, smiled sweetly, holding up her plate for Mom to slide more Brussels sprouts onto her dish.

You suck up.

Mai kept her smile in place, turning to make eye contact with me as she kissed ass to Mom. If I stared long enough, I bet I could hear her thoughts, too.

And they’d sound like gleeful laughter, knowing she was getting Mom and Dad’s approval while I didn’t. I never would, no matter what I did.

Mai hated Brussels sprouts too. Maybe even more than me. But she’d never miss out on a chance to suck up to them, pretending to be the better daughter, all for their approval and love.

Like you even need to bother. According to our parents—according to the whole world—Mai was perfect in every way. Sickeningly, nauseatingly perfect.

Lowering my head, I ignored the pushiness to take the fucking vegetable and willed this dinner to be over already. Like every first Wednesday evening of the month, I was expected to sit here and look like an innocent, eager-to-please daughter. For two whole hours, I’d have to endure this “family” time.

It was more like a trial of holding every last thread of my patience, because no matter what was said or who did what, it was guaranteed that I’d leave the dining room with one fact reprinted into my psyche.

Second-Best Chen.

Always. I would always be less than compared to the paradigm of a daughter that Mai was.

She got better grades. She was personable and confident. She excelled in any and everything she did, and it was getting really, really old.

“Make sure you save room for dessert,” Mom announced to us all moments later. “I baked it special just for you, darling.” She beamed at Mai.

I chewed on my bite of chicken, finding it tasteless. You haven’t baked a thing in your life, Mom.

I supposed that was a blessing in disguise. Hired chefs and housekeepers kept things livable around here. Her purpose of being a “homemaker” was a joke at best. But it wasn’t the lie or her claim to credit that peeved me. Just that she had to—again—single out another fucking reason to cherish my sibling.

“Oh, you didn’t have to go to the trouble,” Mai replied. “It’s nothing.”

“Nonsense,” Mark, her boyfriend, said as he draped his arm around her shoulders. “That promotion you just received this week is most definitely something to celebrate.”

Yeah, right. I chewed more, just so I could keep my mouth full and not have to verbalize another congratulations for her. She kissed ass to get it, just like Dad knowing the owner was how she got the job to begin with.

“It’s truly remarkable,” Mark gushed, staring at her like the freaking perfect boyfriend he was. Adoration shone in his gaze, and I fought a grimace at my mother sighing, practically swooning at the “perfect” couple appearing so in love with each other.

“You work so hard all the time,” Mark said. “I feel blessed to even know you.”

“Oh, hush.” My grandma giggled slightly, smiling as she shook her head. “You two are just wonderful for each other. I’ve always said you darlings are just a match made in heaven. Don’t you think so, Richard?”

My grandpa nodded, more concerned about eating his meal than expressing joy about how well Mai and Mark suited each other.

Every dinner, my mother and grandmother had to mention how lovely Mai and Mark were together. Nothing was ever said of Ethan sitting next to me, but that didn’t surprise me. Ethan and I didn’t look like a perfect match. He never gave me those sappy, adoring looks. He never spoke up to compliment me. On a different level, he was only here to kiss ass to my dad too.

If Ethan ever tried to look at me like I hung the moon, I’d probably recoil and give him a WTF look of disbelief.

“I can’t help but wonder if we’ll be hearing wedding bells soon,” my grandma added with a wink at Mark.

He chuckled, and I worried that they’d see my grimace. Sometimes, it took conscious effort to prevent my expressions from being too loud.

“You never know…” Mark teased.

Mai smiled like a blushing virgin.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“Laura, don’t you think they make such a lovely couple?” my mom asked me.

I nodded, shoveling another big bite into my mouth so I wouldn’t have to talk.

It was never a competition between me and my sister. I learned from an extremely young age that the rules of the universe meant I’d never be able to compare to Mai. That was just how life was—something out of my control. She was the firstborn. She could do no wrong. And I accepted it.

Despite what my best friend once claimed, I wasn’t jealous of Mai.

But it was sickening how it never changed.

If you want your life to be different, then stop being so compliant. Stop being so obedient.

One day, I hoped I’d follow those thoughts and find a reason to stand up for what I wanted once and for all. Because no matter how well I faked happiness while I was overlooked and dismissed, I knew I deserved better. I deserved love, recognition, and respect.

I just lost hope I’d ever find those here, with the people who should always remind me of my worth.

“So, how are classes going, Ethan?” my dad asked.

Again, I checked out and over-chewed my food just to keep my mouth full so I wouldn’t be able to talk just in case someone remembered I was alive and present. But I was familiar with this. It was the same old song and dance where no one would inquire about me. No one would ask how my classes were. They wouldn’t show interest in how I was excited for summer to come.

Nothing.

Listening to Ethan reply to my dad—more like listening to an employee straining to get his boss’s approval—I regretted more and more that I’d ever been coaxed into dating him at all.

“Yes, sir. I can’t wait to start in the fall,” Ethan replied.

Even that didn’t spark a reaction or thought out of me. I’d been dating him for a year now, and the idea of his leaving town to go to med school didn’t faze me at all. I wouldn’t miss him. It would be a breath of fresh air, actually, to not have to fake that I enjoyed his boring, dull company.

Wait. He’s not going to ask me to continue some kind of a long-distance thing, is he?

Dammit. He would. He was so used to dating Dean Chen’s daughter and having an “in” like that. Of course, he’d suggest that we not break up. I’d need to start planting reasons we should.

I could remind him that he’ll be too busy in med school to keep up anything with me. That should do the trick. I hoped it would, because the thought of not having to pretend I was invested in our relationship would be a burden off my shoulders.

Just as I anticipated, no one asked me a single question throughout the whole meal. Dad didn’t bring up the symposium that I’d be expected to attend and present at in a couple of months, just like Mai had, just like he had, like my mom had, and just like Grandma and Grandpa had. Mom didn’t ask me if I was managing exam week well and getting enough sleep. Mai didn’t bring up my birthday that had come last week, when she just couldn’t find the time to make it home for dinner and wish me a happy birthday.

Two hours, I’d sat there, dutifully quiet and sinking further and deeper into the identity of second-best.

At least I can go read or something now. As I got up at the end of the dinner, I counted down how long it would take to see Ethan to the door and tell him goodnight. Escaping to my room was the highlight of these nights, and it couldn’t come fast enough.

He stalled, still talking to my dad about something with his studies, but I stayed in the background near the front door and tuned him out.

Come on.

Get it over with.

It’s not like you won’t see him again to suck up to him again.

I want some time to myself. Is that such a crime?

Just walk to the door. Come on. Please. A little further. Go home and let me be…

Still, he dragged on and on. Then Mark asked him a question, and I had to literally bottle in a scream.

I couldn’t just leave. He was supposed to be there with me, as my boyfriend at a family dinner. None of them would understand how unconnected I was with him, how little I cared that he was here. Ethan’s presence in our home wasn’t a sign of how committed we were with each other.

Just go already.

Finally, he smiled at me and approached the door.

While I didn’t wrench it open, I wasn’t idle about turning the doorknob and pushing him outside. “It sure is getting late, huh?” I said as I saw him out the door.

“Not really. It’s only, like, seven.” He smiled at me on the porch. “The daylight hours are getting longer.”

“Right.” Of course, they were. I knew that. I just didn’t know what else to say as small talk that could naturally segue into my telling him goodnight. If I could find more courage, I’d shove him off the porch, wave him a goodbye without looking back, and head upstairs to enjoy some peace and quiet to myself after a long week of exams and lectures.

But I didn’t.

“Well, thanks for the dinner,” he said, just like he did every time.

Could this be any more scripted?

“Yep. No problem,” I replied, even though it wasn’t like I’d made it or invited him.

“I guess this is goodnight,” he said.

Finally. My nerves were shot after sitting through that meal. And my patience to put on a fake smile was fading really fast. I needed to sit and breathe, to just be and not worry about meeting anyone’s expectations.

“Yeah. Goodnight.”

He leaned in slowly, as if he wasn’t sure he’d land his lips on my mouth. It seemed cruel to judge his attempts at romance when I wasn’t any more experienced. When it came to Ethan making a move on me, in any way, I couldn’t agree with the concept that it was the thought that counted.

Seriously, how can he be this boring? This dull?

This…

I closed my eyes as he chastely kissed me goodbye.

This blah.

I leaned away from him before his Brussels-sprout breath could entice me to gag. If he “kissed” me again without moving his lips, I swear, I’d start thinking he was a freaking fish puckering up.

With his eyes still closed and his lips curled up in a smile from the lame kiss, he looked stuck in a trance. Like he was so simple and juvenile that a peck on the lips like that was something racy.

Ugh. How much longer can I put up with this?

For the millionth time, I wished that just once, I could actually feel something when he kissed me.

My parents weren’t likely to ever approve of another guy for me to date, so it seemed like it was Ethan or nothing. But for God’s sake, I was twenty-one, not a teenager. I was a woman who wanted to experience real desire, not act like we were prudish kids with a crush.

“See ya,” I told him before he could try to plant his dry, motionless lips on mine again.

He blinked his eyes open and straightened. “Yeah. See you later, Laura. Have a good night.”

I smiled only until I turned and gave him my back. Inside the house, I dismissed the sounds of my parents and grandparents chatting and laughing with Mai and Mark in the kitchen.

Blowing out a long exhale, I sagged against the closed door and relished the stress seeping from me.

No more acting like I cared about Ethan.

No more enduring my family doting on Mai and forgetting about me.

I would have a good night now—by myself, reading or studying in the quiet privacy of my room.

As I headed upstairs, lamenting how I’d had to give up my whole evening for all of them, I reminded myself that it wouldn’t always have to be like this. Once I got into med school, I could move out. I could maybe find a guy on my own and feel something more than polite, chaste kisses.

Uh, no. Not happening. I shook my head as I opened the door to my bedroom and entered it. There will be plenty of time for romance and all that later on.

I was young, and I had a lot to do and accomplish before I would devote time and attention to committing with a man.

I slumped onto my bed and sighed again, at ease with my solitude.

No one was here to judge or compare me.

No one was here to impress or placate.

But for the first time, I wondered how much different my life could be if I had someone in my corner, someone supporting me, committing to making sure I knew my worth as something more than second-best.