21. Kara
21
KARA
R ebel cried the entire way home from the morgue. Her quiet sobs were painful to hear, and agonizing to watch as she curled up on the passenger seat and hugged her knees to her chest.
I couldn’t stand the sound. Couldn’t stand the way it made me want to do the same when I’d only just managed to pull myself together. I scratched the skin across my wrist, absentmindedly trying to distract myself at first, only to dig my fingernails in harder and harder as the sounds of Rebel’s grief continued.
A warm heat settled on me, and when I glanced up, Hawk was watching me, his eyes glued to the mess I was making of my wrist.
I tugged my sleeve over it, twisted away, and tried to stop, but Rebel’s cries only intensified and the scratching was the only thing that distracted me from it.
“Give it a rest, would you, short-ass? You barely even knew the woman,” Hawk complained obnoxiously.
Rebel’s cries cut off instantly, and she twisted on her seat to glare at Hawk over her shoulder. “Are you fucking serious right now? God, you are the actual scum of the earth, do you know that? You can’t even give me one minute to grieve my sister? You think I don’t know I haven’t been able to see her in years? You think that makes this hurt any less? God, I really fucking hate you sometimes…”
Rebel’s anger all pointed in Hawk’s direction was a thousand times easier to listen to than her pain.
I stopped hacking at my skin and laid my head against the window, letting the cool surface soothe my flushed face instead.
Hawk watched me for a second, his head bobbing slightly, like the fact I wasn’t destroying my skin anymore had been his aim all along. He turned back to Rebel and continued his argument that she didn’t get to be dramatic over a sister she’d only met a couple of times.
It was probably lucky for Hawk that Fang was driving because the look he sent him in the rearview mirror was deadly.
I didn’t have it in me to deal with any of them. All I could think was that this entire thing was my fault.
Right now there were probably police officers out at the commune, telling my parents their daughter had been found murdered.
Or would they already know?
Would Josiah’s men already be back there, covered in Alice’s blood?
Or were they hanging around here, just waiting for their chance to spill mine?
Anger took the place of grief, and like the relief Rebel had found in arguing with Hawk, I found it in letting myself hate the men who had done this.
Josiah. Onith. George or Tyson or one of the many others Josiah considered his inner circle.
Which one of them had been the man who’d put a cord around my sister’s neck and tightened it so much she couldn’t breathe? Had she even seen them coming? Had she fought?
Or had it been Kyle, who she’d so openly trusted?
He hadn’t returned. We’d seen no sign of him or his truck.
Anger boiled my blood.
It was a familiar feeling. One that had tried to eat me alive before, and one I’d had to learn how to conceal.
So I did it again now.
But it was there, a waiting demon, ready to be unleashed.
Josiah had created it when he’d taken away my child, and he’d fed it again now by murdering my sister. He’d known it too. He’d tried banishing the evil from inside me with prayers and beatings and cruel words.
But the demon had only grown stronger.
Maybe that was why I had never left. The demon inside me was drawn to the demon in him.
Rebel and Hawk argued until we got back to the clubhouse, where she got out of the car and slammed the door.
Fang had his teeth mashed together and twisted to glare at his VP. “If that argument hadn’t kept her from focusing on her sister tonight, it would be my fingers around your throat right now. You hear me?”
Hawk waved him off. “Yeah, yeah. I know. But I got her to stop crying, didn’t I? Give me some fucking credit where it’s due.”
Fang shook his head. “She’s not wrong when she calls you an asshole, you know? You’re seriously a fucking prick.” He shut the door before Hawk could respond.
He raised an eyebrow at me instead. “You want to tell me I’m a cunt too?”
I cringed at his word choice but shook my head. “I’m not in the habit of calling people names. Excuse me. I need to get to my daughter.”
“I’ll tell you you’re a cunt if you want,” Aloha laughed deeply, Ice joining in with a chuckle of his own.
I ducked my head and made my way out of the van door that Ice held back for me. He went to touch my arm to get my attention, then clearly thought better of it when Hawk shoved him out of the way.
“Jesus fuck, Hawk! Quit pissing all over her like a dog marking its territory. I was only going to tell her I was sorry about her sister.”
“She doesn’t want your grubby fingers all fucking over her, all right? If I see any of you fuckers so much as lay a finger on her, I won’t think twice about breaking them.”
Aloha laughed like Hawk hadn’t just threatened him with bodily harm. “That go for you too? You breaking your own fingers off every time you touch her? Didn’t look like it back there at the morgue. Seemed like you were doing a whole lotta touching indeed.”
Hawk’s growl came back. “You. Saw. Nothing. Now shut the fuck up and get out of my face. I was just doing my job, protecting her like my prez told me to. Shame you two fuckheads couldn’t do the same.”
I hurried toward the clubhouse and my daughter inside, trying to block out their harsh words, but hearing each and every one all the same.
Queenie was still in the same armchair she’d been in when I’d left, Hayley Jade sprawled out over her lap, and Queenie’s eyes squinty like she might have drifted off for a little bit too.
“She’s been sleeping like an angel the entire time,” Queenie assured me. “Didn’t wake once. She must have been exhausted, poor poppet.”
I nodded.
“You want to take her home?” Queenie shifted slightly on the armchair.
Hayley Jade stirred, clutching Queenie’s thick arms with her fingers.
Automatically, Queenie ran a hand up and down the little girl’s back, soothing her back into sleep.
I didn’t know how to answer her question. I had no home to go to. But I had to leave and it had to be now. I bypassed my sister’s frightened eyes and landed on Fang. “Can you take me and Hayley Jade to the bus station, please?”
“What?” Rebel yelped. “No!”
“Rebel,” I said calmly, needing her to understand. “I have to. They know where we are. We aren’t safe here. I should have never come in the first place. If I hadn’t, none of this would have happened.”
“They would have come for you no matter where you went and they’re going to do the same thing now. You think they’re just going to give up because you leave Saint View? They killed Alice, Kara! You’re Josiah’s wife! At least her death was quick. If he’s willing to kill Alice just to make a point, what do you think he’ll do to you? It won’t be quick. He’ll make it slow and painful.”
I stared at her wide-eyed, fear splintering through me, knowing that everything she was saying wasn’t stemming from knowing Josiah personally, but from the traumas she had suffered from a man just like him.
She’d had five years of healing. Five years of men loving her and helping her mend the hurt that man had caused her. Five years of holding children in her arms and doting on them until her own scars throbbed a little less.
I’d never left. I was still stuck in the same old merry-go-round of abuse, with no way of getting out. Staying here and dragging her back into all of this wasn’t an option.
I pulled her tight and kissed her cheek. “I have to go. I won’t endanger you or your family anymore.”
She grabbed my hand. “Don’t. Don’t let him hurt you. Don’t let him push you away from people who love you. People who can keep you safe.”
But Josiah’s favorite way to torture me was by taking away the people I loved.
And now he was doing it again.
Forcing me out onto the road, away from the one sister I had left on this side of the fence and the only people outside the commune I knew.
A sob rose in my chest, and I reached for my daughter. “Fang, please. If you won’t drive me to the bus station, I’ll walk.”
Queenie had tears in her eyes, but she fit her fingers beneath Hayley Jade’s armpits and hefted her off her chest .
The little girl’s eyes flew open, panic taking hold in a frighteningly quick space of time.
“Come here,” I said awkwardly. “It’s time to go.”
She shook her head, and my heart plummeted, but I tried again. “We’re going on an adventure, okay? Just you and me this time. We’re going to go on a nice long drive on a bus, won’t that be fun? Have you ever been on a bus?” I reached out to take her, wrapping my fingers around the skinny tops of her arms. “Come on, sweetheart.”
Hayley Jade’s scream was ear-piercing. She shoved me away violently, throwing her arms around Queenie the same way she had with Shari.
Queenie soothed the screams out of her, until Hayley Jade was sobbing but no longer hysterical.
My heart shattered into a million pieces.
“You’ll stay here,” Hawk said quietly, but with a tone that dared anyone to argue.
Nobody did. Not Rebel. Not Fang. Not War.
Nobody but me.
I glared at him. “I don’t want to be here.”
Hawk pulled his jacket off, tossing it onto a couch. His hoodie followed a moment later, leaving him bare-chested, a gun handle sticking out the top of his waistband. He leaned down, bracing his hands either side of me on the back of the couch. “I don’t care, Little Mouse. I really don’t fucking care. I just want to go to bed because this has been the longest day in the history of for-fucking-ever, and we all know the only safe place for you is right here, surrounded by fences and men who can protect you.” He flicked his head toward Hayley Jade. “Don’t want to listen to me? Then listen to your own fucking kid. She feels it. She feels the safety. You gonna take that away from her?”
Queenie gave me a helpless look, one that held pity and an unspoken apology, like she felt guilty because it was her Hayley Jade clung to her like a life raft.
Hawk eased off a fraction, blowing out a slow breath that misted across my lips smelling vaguely of mint and tobacco.
“Nod your head, Little Mouse.”
I nodded.
He pulled back. “She agrees. She’s staying. Queenie, can the kid stay with you tonight? Kara needs to sleep.”
I started to disagree, but Hayley Jade had already laid her head down on Queenie’s shoulders miserably, her tear-streaked face buried in the older woman’s neck.
I could barely breathe for wanting her to find that sort of comfort in me.
But I clearly wasn’t the person who could give it to her right now. “Would you mind?” I asked Queenie.
She gave me an understanding nod. “Not at all, sugar. Hayley Jade and I will have a sleepover in my room tonight. Aloha can sleep in the van.”
To his credit, or maybe it was the glare Hawk sent his way, Aloha didn’t make a sound of complaint. He just grinned, picked up a cushion from the couch, and tossed it in the air, catching it easily a second later. “I’m all good out there. It’ll give me a break from Queenie’s snoring.”
Queenie rolled her eyes. “You ain’t fooling nobody, saying that chainsaw-like noise coming from our room each night ain’t you.” But then she put her hand to his cheek and drew him in, pressing her lips to his. “Thank you. See you in the morning. ”
She stopped in front of me. “Hayley Jade, you want to say goodnight to your mama?”
Hayley Jade didn’t utter a word.
I wanted to tell her I loved her. That I always had and that everything was going to be all right.
But I couldn’t even promise her that.
War cleared his throat after Queenie left, his lightly bearded face full of sympathy. “You can stay in my old cabin. I haven’t used it in years. Not since Mila was born.”
“Okay,” I whispered, not even looking at him, too focused on the fact my daughter would rather be with anyone but me. “Thank you.”
Ice cleared his throat awkwardly between me and Hawk and War. “Uh, actually, the cabin hasn’t been cleaned since the guys from the Ohio chapter came to stay…”
War recoiled. “Why the fuck didn’t someone get on that? Jesus fuck, do I have to do everything myself?”
Hawk glared at Ice like he was the one who was supposed to have done it.
Ice shoved his hands in his pockets, his cheeks pink with embarrassment at being reprimanded in front of all of us. “Sorry. The other prospects and I will get on it tomorrow. In the meantime, Kara can have my bed. All the other rooms in the clubhouse are full.”
I shook my head quickly, the thought of staying in Ice’s room sending panic up my spine. “I don’t need a bed,” I assured them. “I can sleep on the couch.”
I already knew I wouldn’t sleep at all.
War nodded. “If that’s what you want…” He glanced at Hawk. “That good with you?”
Hawk looked away quickly. “What do I fucking care? ”
War snorted on what sounded like amusement. “Yeah. Okay then. Keep telling yourself that. If everyone is safe and has somewhere to sleep, I’m going home. I’ve got a very pregnant partner who I know won’t be sleeping until I report that everyone is okay. We’ll sort out the cabin in the morning. A few of us can go down there, if need be, and get it fixed up.”
He smiled gently at me. “This place is safe. We’ve got cameras and someone on the gate twenty-four seven. It’s good to have you back here. We’ve all missed you. I hope you know that. You’re one of us. You always have been, and we take care of our own.”
“Thank you,” I whispered to the kind-eyed leader. But I wasn’t one of them. I wasn’t a part of anything bigger than myself, really. I hadn’t seen Rebel in years. My family had watched a man isolate and abuse me for half a decade and had never lifted a finger to help. And Hayley Jade didn’t even know who I was, other than the woman who had taken her from the only mother she remembered.
Everyone said their goodnights, Fang guiding Rebel toward the parking lot to take her home, Hawk, Ice, Ratchet, and the other guys all disappeared into bedrooms, or in the case of Aloha, cars to sleep in for the night.
I curled up on the couch, tugging a thin blanket over my shoulder that I found in the corner.
Even locked in Josiah’s house, I couldn’t remember ever feeling so alone.