25. Hawk
25
HAWK
I watched Kara run off through the trees and swore low under my breath, swiveling around and storming back to my bedroom. I sank down hard on my bed before I even noticed I was naked, my erection bobbing in protest of the fact it was no longer warm between Kara’s thick thighs, nestled up against her wet pussy.
I hadn’t even realized it was her. I’d barely been awake. I was so used to Amber or Kiki or one of the other women sneaking into my bed in the middle of the night and being naked ready to ride my cock whenever I wanted. I’d just assumed...
Fucking hell. I should have realized her tits were soft and bouncy, nothing like the harder, fake ones Amber had. I should have paid attention to how holding on to her hip felt so fucking different than Kiki’s. Kara had been soft in all the places the other women weren’t.
I’d never really had much to do with bigger women. All the women at the club, except Queenie, who I sure as hell wasn’t ever going to fuck or Aloha would wring my neck, were thin. It just seemed to be a thing. They barely fucking ate, even on family days where we had so much food we could feed a small army, so it was hardly surprising.
I got hard when they touched my dick, and I came when I stuck it in them, so I’d just figured they were my type.
But now all I could think about was how hard I still was after being curled around Kara’s soft body.
“Fuck,” I swore, pushing to my feet and staggering to the bathroom. I’d nearly fucking sunk my dick into her. If she hadn’t said my name, snapping me out of the exhausted fog I’d been feeling her up in, I would have.
I turned the shower on hard, blasting cold water over the tiles, and then stepped beneath them, praying it would shrivel my erection.
It didn’t. The fucker still throbbed.
For Kara.
For the little church mouse who’d watched me jack off. Who’d slept in my bed all fucking night when I never let women do that. And who I’d damn near raped because she was too scared of me to wake me up and tell me to go to hell.
My erection died. Vomit rose in my throat, and I was forced to open my mouth and swallow gulps of water to wash it down.
I’d never cared that everyone thought I was an asshole. I could play that part, and I could play it well.
I was a smart-ass, I knew that. I rubbed people the wrong way and didn’t give a shit about the consequences.
Rebel had a whole damn laundry list of names she liked to call me, and not one of them bothered me, because I knew nothing I’d ever done was truly that bad.
Until today.
Today I’d come so close to taking something from Kara that I couldn’t have ever given back.
That made me the biggest piece of shit in the world.
Chilled to the bone more with my actions than because of the water, I shut it off. I found a towel and rubbed it roughly over my body and the spikes of my closely cropped hair, rubbing hardest at my dick until it fucking hurt.
The compound was starting to come to life outside my door, and I put on jeans and a hoodie and a pair of work boots. From the back of the bathroom cupboard, I found a caddy of cleaning supplies.
Prospects got the grunt jobs, like unblocking toilets, laundry, and scrubbing kitchens. We threw all the shittiest jobs at them, to see which ones just shut up and got the job done and which ones bitched and moaned and went home crying to their mommies, the MC life clearly not for them.
That hadn’t been any different for me and War, just because we’d been the club founders’ kids.
It had been a long time since I’d been a prospect, and I hadn’t missed it one bit. All the shutting up and just doing as I was fucking told had never suited me well.
But now I pulled together everything I needed and yanked open my bedroom door.
Kara sat at the bar, a bowl of cereal in front of her.
My gaze slammed into hers, and every memory of what I’d done to her came rushing back, every single one coated in regret .
I’d never been one for apologizing. Wasn’t sure I could ever even remember saying the words “I’m sorry.”
But they almost fell from my lips in that second. Because I’d never been sorrier for something in my life than I was for what I’d done to Kara that morning.
Ice pulled his headphones from his ears and shook a cereal box at me. “You want some? I’ll get another bowl.”
I drew my gaze away from Kara reluctantly. At least she’d come back. Even if she couldn’t look at me, at least she wasn’t blindly running through the woods. She would have hit the fence line eventually. She’d have had no chance of getting through it or over it in her long skirt and with no shoes on, but I was still glad she wasn’t out there. I liked knowing she was here, even if I wasn’t staying. “No. I’m going down to War’s old cabin to fix it up.”
Ice frowned and put the cereal box down. “The other prospects and I are going down there once they’re all awake. Just give us a day to get it done.”
I shook my head, still remembering Kara shivering on that fucking couch because I couldn’t even trust the prospects to do something as simple as get her a blanket. I’d told them to clean out that cabin weeks ago and they’d ignored me. Ice acting like I was the one being unreasonable pissed me off. “You had your chance to do it and you chose not to. Get ’em to do something else. Clearly, if I want something done, I have to do it myself.”
“You sure?” Ice asked, suitably guilty for not doing his damn job. “It was pretty filthy last time I was down there. How long’s it been since you did any cleaning? The kitchen and bathroom probably both need to be really scrubbed. No one has lived down there for ages.”
I glared at him, my earlier irritation growing at him insinuating I wasn’t capable of basic tasks. Kara was sitting right there, listening to the entire fucking thing. The last thing I wanted was her thinking I was useless. “This is why you’re still a prospect, even though you’ve been hanging around here for years. Learn when to shut up. I know how to clean.”
Ratchet wandered over, his hair a wild mess from sleep. “What was that? Hawk is cleaning?” He sniggered as he reached for a spoon. “I’m so coming down later to get video of you scrubbing that toilet.”
I flipped him the bird, took one last peek at Kara who was steadfastly ignoring me, and hoped the toilet was the filthiest one I’d ever seen.
Because if cleaning up a place for Kara was my penance, then I should at least earn it.
I trudged through the woods, taking the leaf-littered path opposite the one I normally took when I came out here. This one led out to the old cabin War had once lived in, back before he’d become a pussy-whipped fool who couldn’t stop knocking up his woman. Though to be fair, that could have been any of Bliss’s partners. I wasn’t about to ask which kid belonged to which baby daddy. They both called war Dad, as would the new baby, I assumed, so it hardly mattered if they were biologically his or not.
The cabin had been a lot nicer when War had lived here. Now we only used it when we had a lone wolf roll into town who was brave enough to ask for somewhere to stay, or when Slayers’ members from other chapters came into town to talk business with me and War.
The business talk only ever lasted a few hours and the rest was filled with drinking, fucking, and partying. When they finally dragged themselves back onto their bikes, sometimes the next day, sometimes weeks later, the mess they left behind always pissed me off.
We never turned away other chapters. It was written into our laws that all the Slayers were brothers. But some of them were brothers I’d be happy to never have in my home because they were disgusting and thought nothing of leaving their shit everywhere for our prospects to clean up.
I stomped up the steps to the cabin, the wooden floorboards creaking underneath my weight. When the door swung open, I almost turned around and walked straight back out. If I hadn’t royally fucked up that morning with Kara, I absolutely would have.
The entire place reeked of stale piss, shit, body odor, moldy food. I gagged on the stench and then stormed around the main room as well as the bedroom and bathroom, opening up every window and letting some fresh air in.
I dry heaved over the mess in the bathroom, staring at it in horror.
I wasn’t a complete neat freak. But I wasn’t a twenty-year-old kid anymore, and my interest in medicine had led me down many a germ-and-bacteria rabbit hole. Once you’d learned some things, and worse, seen some photos, it made you want to keep things clean. How the fuck did fully grown men make a mess like this and then just get back on their bikes and ride on out the gates like it was no big deal?
“Pigs, the lot of you,” I said between rounds of gagging. I pulled a bandana out of my pocket that I usually used for keeping insects out of my mouth when I was on my bike, but now I prayed it would keep out some of the stench of this room.
The toilet had to be first. I squirted a bunch of cleaner in there, found the brush, and then got down on my knees to get to work.
A small gasp came from behind me.
I whipped around, only to come eye to eye with Hayley Jade. I squinted at her, peering behind her for an adult in tow but not finding anyone. “What are you doing down here, kid? Where’s your mom?”
She didn’t answer, but her face was screwed up.
I couldn’t blame her. I was sure mine was too. “Smells bad in here, huh?”
She nodded, covering her nose and mouth with her sleeve.
“Yeah, I agree. You should really probably go back up to the main house. This isn’t something a little girl like you needs to see.”
She didn’t say anything, just gazed around the cabin in interest.
“You come to check out your new digs? I know it doesn’t seem like much right now, but just give me a couple hours and I’ll have it so sweet you won’t even recognize the place.”
Hayley Jade cocked her head to one side, and this time when she screwed up her face, it wasn’t with disgust but with disbelief.
Jesus, why did no one think I was capable of doing something this basic? “Hey! I can clean! Why the hell does no one think I can clean? ”
Hayley Jade didn’t respond, but she didn’t make a move to go back up to the clubhouse either.
I shrugged. “Fine. Stay. Whatever. No skin off my nose if you’re a sucker for punishment too. You want a job to do?”
She nodded her little blond head.
“Good for you, kid. At least you aren’t a lazy shit like the prospects are. They should have done this ages ago.” I realized what I’d said. “Oh, shit. I mean, sugar. Crap. Am I allowed to swear in front of you? Are you old enough for that?”
She didn’t answer.
“Yeah, probably not, right? You really don’t talk, do you?”
Still nothing.
I shrugged. “Okay, I can respect that. Fuck knows I talk enough for the both of us. Shit! I mean, fudge, not fuck. Fuck.” I sighed. “I give up. I swear a lot, kid. Sorry.”
To my surprise her lips twisted into a giggle.
I shoved the toilet brush around the porcelain. “So you can smile, huh?”
The grin instantly dropped from her face.
I shook my head at her. “Nuh-uh. Too late. I already saw it.”
It crept back across her mouth, and a sense of satisfaction settled over me. Her smile was really damn similar to Kara’s.
Not that Kara was going to be smiling at me anytime soon.
Without me providing any guidance, Hayley Jade found a garbage bag in the cleaning caddy I’d brought down from the clubhouse and with nimble fingers, she shook it out and circled the cabin, collecting empty beer bottles and open chip bags as she went.
I watched her for a second, wondering if I should stop her, but hell, she was doing a good job, and she was smiling for the first time since they’d arrived, so who was I to stop her?
We cleaned quietly, both of us working in the same space, me filling the silence with whatever random bullshit popped into my brain. “Did you know that the country of Australia is wider than the moon?”
Hayley Jade’s eyes got big over that, and she paused in her cleaning to look at me, so I offered another useless fact. “You know shrimp? Their hearts are in their heads. Weird, huh?”
She mulled that over for a while as she brought me the bag full of trash.
“You need me to tie that up for you?”
She nodded.
I took it and twisted the end into knots. “There you go.”
“Thank—”
Her eyes went huge, and she covered her mouth with her hand, terror suddenly filling her eyes.
Not wanting to make it worse, when talking clearly freaked her out, I pretended I hadn’t heard. “Did you know sloths can hold their breaths longer than dolphins?”
A tiny breath of relief slipped out of her, and she carried the bag to the cabin’s front porch.
I watched her small frame struggle along with the heavy bag. Her not talking wasn’t normal. I didn’t need to know much about kids to know that. Rebel’s and Bliss’s kids talked nonstop, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. The constant babble was endless and drove me insane.
Except Hayley Jade’s silence was worse. It was unnerving.
But she’d spoken to me.
Maybe I could get her to speak some more.
By the time I had the bathroom and kitchen shining, Hayley Jade had pretty much completed clearing the living and bedroom area of trash and had wiped off the surfaces. I leaned against the wall and surveyed the room. Then held my hand out to her. “High five. You did a good job.”
She grinned up at me but didn’t tap her palm against mine.
I frowned at her. “You gonna leave me hanging? No high five?”
She cocked her head to one side, then shook it in confusion.
“Jesus,” I muttered. “They clearly taught you how to clean but not how to high five? Well, that’s fucking depressing.”
She hid a giggle at my swearing.
I picked up her hand and tapped it against mine. “That’s a high five. It means ‘good job.’”
She beamed at me.
Well, fuck. That was about the cutest thing I’d ever seen.
“Come on. We’re done here for now. Let’s go back up to the main house. ”
She nodded, and I picked up the two black garbage bags full of trash and hauled them over my shoulder. On the way, I threw more random facts at her. “Did you know a blue whale’s tongue weighs as much as a baby elephant?”
They were all useless, stupid things I’d distracted myself with when I’d been a kid who didn’t want to participate in the real world. The real world sucked. Thinking about weird stuff made it suck just a little less.
Queenie and Aloha were out in front of the clubhouse when we made it back up there, and Queenie put a hand over her heart. “Lawd, baby girl. Where on earth you been? Thank God your mama fell asleep on the couch and didn’t realize you were missing.”
Hayley Jade ducked her head subserviently.
That bothered me.
“She wasn’t missing.” I tossed the bags into the dumpster at the far corner of the clubhouse. “She was with me. Weren’t you, Hayley Jade?”
She nodded quickly but still didn’t lift her eyes.
Queenie tried again, her voice softer this time now she wasn’t panicking over the kid’s whereabouts. “You want to go play with some toys? None of the other kids are here today, so you have them all to yourself.”
Hayley Jade looked up at me.
I tried to decipher her expression, but I didn’t know how to read kids. She wasn’t making a move for the toys though, so I guessed she didn’t want to play by herself.
“I’m going into town to buy some new sheets and pillows for the cabin.” Kara wasn’t going to be sleeping under a fucking dog blanket ever again. Nor could she be sleeping in my bed since I clearly couldn’t be trusted. She had nothing here. No clothes or underwear or toiletries. Maybe I could find some of that shit while I was at it.
I glanced over at Hayley Jade. “You want to come?”
The cute grin that spread across her face told me she did.
Queenie frowned. “Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Kara is asleep. Fell asleep on the couch sitting up, poor thing. She’s had a rough couple days.”
“All the more reason for me and Hayley Jade to let her get some rest, right then, kid?”
She nodded enthusiastically.
Queenie shook her head. “You aren’t putting that child on your bike, Hawk.”
I glared at her, insulted. “Do I look that stupid?”
“Yes,” Aloha shot back with a grin.
I flipped him the bird then looked to Hayley Jade. “Come on. Let’s go.” On instinct, I held a hand out to her.
Before I could think about what I was doing, her small fingers wrapped around mine. Warm and clenching my fingers tightly.
“Never in a million years did I think I’d ever see Hawk holding a little girl’s hand like that,” Queenie muttered to Aloha when my back was turned.
Aloha answered just as quietly. “He never had Kara’s daughter to hold before now.”
“I heard that,” I called back. I yanked open the door to the van and hoisted Hayley Jade up into the passenger seat and clicked the seat belt across her chest.
“Then tell me he’s wrong,” Queenie called. “You hate Rebel’s and Bliss’s kids.”
I didn’t hate them. I just didn’t care about them .
I slid into the driver’s seat and glanced over at Hayley Jade.
Her hair was light, but everything else about her reminded me of Kara.
And Kara had always been real fucking hard not to care about.
Apparently, her daughter was the same.