35. Kara
35
KARA
S omething was going on up at the clubhouse. Queenie had brought Hayley Jade down to the cabin and chatted my ear off about the men all being up in “church,” though their church wasn’t anything like the chapel we had at the commune.
Hayley Jade played quietly with a basket of Barbies she’d brought down with her. She dressed them all carefully, pushing their arms through the appropriate holes on the little T-shirts and jackets. When lunchtime rolled around, I made sandwiches for all of us and watched Hayley Jade nibble at the edges of the ham and cheese I’d placed in front of her.
“Would you prefer something different?” I asked her. “You can choose anything you like.”
She glanced at me.
My heart soared at the eye contact I’d been so desperately seeking for weeks. “Anything at all,” I promised her. “Candy? Ice cream? ”
Queenie chuckled. “You gonna send her right on into a sugar high, girlie. What you playing at?”
But she was laughing when I got up to go to the freezer and pulled out the tub of chocolate ice cream someone, probably Hawk, had stocked the cabin with.
Hayley Jade’s eyes lit up.
Okay. She liked chocolate as well as rainbow. At this point, I was willing to give her ice cream for every meal if it just meant she gave me a chance.
I spooned swirls of the creamy chocolate into a bowl, heaping it up as much as I could before setting it down for her.
“You gonna say thank you to your mama, sugar?” Queenie asked gently.
Hayley Jade put her spoon down and dropped her gaze to her lap.
“It’s okay,” I told her. “I know you’re thinking it, right? You don’t have to say it out loud if you don’t want to.”
She gave me the tiniest of nods, and my heart squeezed.
I pushed the spoon back into her hand. “Enjoy it.”
“Ice cream isn’t going to win her over, sugar,” Queenie said quietly, watching Hayley Jade scarf down her treat.
I knew, and I hated that I didn’t know what else to do. I had no experience being a mother. That opportunity had been taken away from me. I envied the easy confidence that seemed to come to Queenie naturally. Even Hawk, of all people, seemed better with her than I was.
Hayley Jade finished her lunch and put her bowl into the kitchen sink, like the good little girl she was. Shari had taught her that. Shari was the one who was her mother. Not me .
I was just the monster who kept taking things away from her and trying to make up for it by feeding her sugar.
Hayley Jade picked up her doll again. But instead of playing with it, she just held it.
“Have you had enough of that game?” I asked her. “You could play something different…”
My words trailed off as my daughter held the doll out to me.
I just sat there for a second, not knowing what to do.
“Take the doll, Kara,” Queenie whispered.
That startled me into action. “Oh, of course!” I reached for it, my fingers brushing Hayley Jade’s sweet skin as she handed the doll to me.
I hugged it to my chest, wishing it were my daughter.
Then she chose another doll and went back to dressing it up in a beach outfit.
I quietly slid to the floor, settling in the spot next to her, and did the same with the one she’d given me.
We weren’t playing together as such.
But playing side by side felt almost as good.
Even though I knew she wouldn’t respond, I spoke out loud as I slipped a skirt over the doll’s hips. “I think my doll is going to work today. She’s putting on a very pink suit, and I think maybe she’s going to her job as an architect. I definitely think she looks like a doll who likes to draw houses. What about you, Hayley Jade? Your doll looks like she might be ready for a day of fun at the beach. Did you know there’s a beach here in Saint View? It’s been a long time since I saw it, but I know it’s there.”
Hayley Jade glanced up at me in interest, and I continued on .
“I bet you’ve never even seen the beach in real life, have you? I hadn’t either until I came here. Maybe we could take your dolls down there one day?’
Queenie watched on like a proud mother hen.
Hayley Jade didn’t respond, but she definitely seemed interested.
That was enough for me. She might not have been complaining out loud, but it was clear she needed to get outside these walls as much as I did.
I’d ask Hawk to take us. It was too cold to swim, but we could play with her toys and maybe go for a wander along the boardwalk. Build a sandcastle. Dip our toes into the ocean.
Swing her around in circles.
Hug her.
Hold her.
God, I wanted all those things so badly, it hurt. Tears filled my eyes, and like she could read my mind, Queenie squeezed my arm. “Patience, sugar.”
I really, really hoped so. Because I wanted that day to happen. I wanted it so bad I could practically taste it.
Aloha called Queenie about an hour later, and I was still sitting on the floor with Hayley Jade. My legs screamed in pain from sitting in the one spot so long, but I couldn’t drag myself away. Our dolls had been through multiple outfit changes, and mine had followed Hayley Jade’s around, trying to engage and not getting much in return but really just thrilled to be in her presence.
“I’ve got to head on up to the clubhouse. My man is trying to cook dinner, and if we want it to be edible, I’m going to have to get up there and supervise.” She glanced at Hayley Jade. “You want to stay here, sugar? ”
Hayley Jade shook her little head quickly, jumping up to put her hand in Queenie’s.
It hurt, but I tried not to let Hayley Jade see. “I liked playing with you,” I told her softly. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her I’d ask Hawk to take us to the beach one day.
But I didn’t want to promise something I couldn’t deliver on.
Hawk had left the cabin upset this morning, and I didn’t even know if he was planning on coming back.
Or if he even wanted anything to do with me anymore.
I couldn’t blame him.
I wondered if I’d always dreamed of Hayden. Josiah never slept in my bed, always leaving to go back to his own. I’d never woken up with a man the way I had that morning with Hawk.
It was probably lucky Josiah had always liked his own space. If I’d spoken another man’s name in his presence, I’d probably be dead now.
At least Hawk had just walked away. Though that somehow felt just as bad.
I waved goodbye to Queenie and Hayley Jade. Queenie promised to save me some of the chili Aloha was making, if it turned out to be edible, that was.
I mouthed a silent thank you at her, meaning it for more than just the food.
“She’s helping me as much as I’m helping her,” Queenie promised.
I didn’t push her on that because it seemed like it stemmed from a place of hurt. I knew all about the sort of pain that came from not having the children you wanted. So I didn’t ask her to elaborate or share her story.
I’d only just sat on the couch when the telltale squeak of the front step gave away someone was out there. I stood, quickly hurrying back to the door to open it. “Did you forget something?” I asked, expecting to see Queenie.
Hawk stood on the other side, his hands shoved into his pockets. He lifted his gaze to meet mine. “Yeah. This.”
He stepped in, cupping my face with both hands and tilting it up so he could claim my mouth with his. My body sank into his, and I kissed him back, clutching his shirt. Our tongues tangled as the kiss deepened.
He tasted vaguely of bourbon and smoke, and it thrilled me as much as the feel of his body against mine. Kissing him sent longing through my entire body, until I was sure it was something I’d never be able to get enough of.
I’d had no idea kissing could make you feel like flying and falling all at once
When he pulled back, it was barely an inch. His lips hovered over mine. “I shouldn’t have done that this morning.”
“I liked it,” I admitted. The memory of him taking me hard and fast, up against the wall, was burned into my brain as the most erotic thing I’d ever done. Something I would have been shamed for at the commune, but it had lit me up inside, knowing he wanted me so bad he couldn’t even leave without having me one last time.
Nobody had ever wanted me like that. After so much rejection, it was a heady feeling that I craved more of. I leaned in and kissed his neck, the same way he’d spent hours kissing mine just last night. The stubble of his short beard prickled my lips, sending jolts of pleasure to my nipples and that place between my thighs.
Bolder than I’d ever been with any man, I slid my hands over his chest, feeling the strong muscles of his pecs and shoulders. I pushed his jacket off so I could trail my fingers over his biceps and forearms. Both were thickly corded with strong muscle that Lord knew he’d needed in order to hold me up on that wall.
I’d let him see me naked. Let him see every lump and bump and roll.
He’d still come back.
I so desperately wanted to keep him coming back. Again and again. He’d done things to me last night that I hadn’t even known were possible. He’d made me feel things I’d only known as wrong and bad, and taught me they were good.
They were oh so very good.
I just wanted him to feel the same way.
I dropped to my knees.
I might not have had any experience with what pleased me, but I knew exactly what pleased men. Josiah had been all too willing to teach me that.
“Kara,” Hawk warned quietly. “What are you doing?”
I undid his jeans. “I want you in my mouth,” I whispered. “I know men like that.”
He groaned and pulled away. “No. Stop.”
I blinked, feeling stupid as he did his jeans up.
I scrambled back onto my feet and turned away. “I’m so sorry,” I mumbled, moving into the kitchen. “That was forward of me.”
He grabbed my arm and spun me back to face him. “That was fucking hot of you, and trust me, all I’ve thought about for days is you getting down on your knees like that for me.”
I breathed out a fast, hot breath. “Then why…?”
He scrubbed his hands over his face and groaned. “I’m so fucking bad at this.” He drew his hands away and stared at me. “War said I should ask you out. Like, on a date.”
I blinked. “War said you should?”
He answered in a rush. “Yeah. I mean, he was trying to give me advice. I don’t fucking know. This isn’t what I do, Kara. I don’t hang out with women. I’ve never met one I actually wanted to talk to.”
“Are you asking me on a date then? Or just telling me what War said?”
He shrugged, eyeing me warily like I might bite him. “Do you want that? Or is that dumb? It’s for high schoolers, right? Who are too scared to just get naked and do it?”
I’d never been on a date either. I’d never been to high school. Never gotten to socialize with anyone. It was one of the big reasons I’d left the commune in the first place.
But even then, it wasn’t like anyone on the outside had awkwardly stood in front of me like Hawk was now, and turned down a blow job in order to ask me to spend time with him.
Fully clothed time.
He might have been uncomfortable, but all I saw was the good in him. The side that he’d shown me last night. The part of him he hid from everyone else.
I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted to go on a date with more. “I would love to go on a date with you, Hawk. ”
A look of pure relief settled over him. “Dinner then? Or a movie? That’s what War said we should do.”
“Both sound nice.”
We eyed each other.
He palmed the back of his neck. “Okay, but after the dinner and the movie…” His gaze raked over me slowly. “Do I have to kiss you at the door and then go home?”
“Or you could come inside, and I could get back down on my knees for you.”
He groaned.
“Or I could do it again right now.” This time when I dropped to the floor, he didn’t stop me. He let me tug his jeans down, exposing his thick cock.
He caught my chin before I could put my mouth to his erection though. “Little Mouse.”
“Mmm…” I darted my tongue out to lick his tip.
He hissed in pleasure but tried to focus himself. “I don’t want you dreaming about Chaos Whitling.”
I opened my mouth to explain I couldn’t help it, but he pushed his cock past my lips instead. I moaned around the salty-sweet, warm taste of him.
He took out the elastic holding back my ponytail. “I know. I know. You can’t help who you dream about. But I ain’t him. I do bad shit. I’m not a gentleman. I’m an asshole almost all of the time. I won’t ever hurt you though. I won’t ever hurt any woman the way he did.”
It was my automatic instinct to argue. To tell him he was wrong about Hayden. That Hayden had been the one who’d helped me when Caleb had taken everything I had, including my spirit.
But none of them knew him the way I had. None of them had been there in that house. They hadn’t seen the way Hayden had taken care of me. How he was the only reason Hayley Jade was still alive. Rebel, Fang, Bliss, War…all they saw in him was the bad.
But just like with Hawk, I saw past that to the man he’d been inside.
I pulled off Hawk’s erection and stared up at him. “It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s dead.”
Hawk’s fingers brushed my hair back from my face and then slid into my hair, encouraging my head forward. “Suck me, Kara. Suck me until I come, and then I’m going to take you out to eat. We’re going to go to a movie, and then when we get home, I’m going to kiss your mouth, tweak your nipples, lick your pussy, and start working on that sweet little ass of yours, so that one day, I can take you there as well.”
I breathed out a hot breath and opened my mouth, taking his cock deep inside.
“I’m going to fuck you every night, Kara. In every hole.” He scraped his nails over my scalp. “Until you no longer dream of him.”