40. Kara
40
KARA
I struggled down the track in my wedge shoes, battling to not twist my ankle with every step on the dark, uneven road. Party sounds grew louder as I approached the clubhouse, the music thumping and unfamiliar. Shouts and laughter. Beer bottles and glasses clinking together.
The parking area was full of unfamiliar bikes, and a group of men stood by the doorway, all with drinks in their hands, nudging each other. I didn’t recognize any of them, but they all wore Slayers’ patches like Hawk and War and the others did.
Anger had gotten me this far, but nerves broke through the red haze as I neared the men. I just needed to get inside and find Queenie, or a familiar face, and then the nerves would disappear so I could sink back into the anger.
I was a balled-up mess of confusion. I felt things for Hawk. Things just a couple hours ago I’d been so excited to explore further .
In a split second everything had changed.
If he’d lied about Hayden, what else had he lied about? Did he actually want me? Or did I actually mean no more to him than Kiki or Amber? Everyone had tried to warn me. Queenie. Rebel.
But I’d been so sure there was another side to him. One he’d saved for me.
How stupid to think I was that special.
Josiah’s voice rang loud and clear in my head. You aren’t special. You aren’t worthy. You’re nothing but a hole to fuck, one that can’t even produce a child, so what’s the fucking point other than a warm place to stick your dick?
“Hey, sweetheart,” one of the bikers said, leaning an arm on the doorway at head height so I couldn’t pass. “Haven’t seen you here before. You new?”
“Don’t fucking look at her,” Hawk growled from behind me.
It took me by surprise. I knew he’d follow me down here. Where else was he going to go? But I hadn’t even noticed the van, or him striding across the lot to catch up with me. I’d been too caught up in the whirlwind of emotions seeing Hayden had stirred to life.
But anger was the biggest one. It was like Hawk’s betrayal had opened some floodgate inside me and let out everything I’d been keeping inside for weeks and months or maybe even years. His lies. Josiah’s abuse. My parents’ lack of care. My daughter being ripped from my arms. My sister’s murder.
I hadn’t let myself truly feel any of it until seeing Hayden had disintegrated every barrier I’d ever put in place .
And now I was drowning. Drowning in a sea of emotions that I couldn’t make sense of and couldn’t stop.
The guy stared at Hawk and then down at me. He had a “president” badge sewn beneath the Slayers’ emblem over his chest, just like War did. “You want me to stop looking at you, sweetheart?”
He was handsome. His hair peppered with gray and his eyes framed by thin lines. He smelled oddly good too, like some sort of rich cologne that I breathed in deeply.
I glanced back at Hawk whose face was a storm cloud.
I was so sick of men looking at me like that. So sick of always having to be the good girl they all expected of me when all they did was lie and cheat and make demands.
This older man could look at me if he wanted to. Hawk didn’t get a say in that.
I took the glass from the man’s hand and put it to my lips, swallowing down several large mouthfuls of the bitter liquid.
“Kara,” Hawk said quietly. “What the hell are you doing?”
I didn’t know. But drinking was what everyone else did to forget their problems, so if it was good enough for them, then maybe it was good enough for me too. “I’m getting another drink. Leave me the hell alone.”
The Louisiana prez let out a laugh and shooed Hawk away like he was a nuisance. “Go on, then. Off you go. You heard the lady.”
Hawk stepped in, going eye to eye with the man. “She doesn’t fucking drink, asshole. It’s against her religion.”
The prez raised an eyebrow, pouring another hefty shot into my glass and nudged the bottom of it up toward my lips .
I swallowed it down quickly, this glass not tasting nearly as bad as the first one had and leaving behind a pleasant warming sensation.
It felt nice when the rest of me felt so damn cold.
“Another,” I held my glass out.
As it filled, I glared at Hawk, seeing only the lies he’d told. The words he hadn’t said, so much louder in my head than the sweet ones he had. “I have no religion anymore,” I told him. “And so I’m getting drunk. Really fucking drunk, Hawk.”
The Louisiana prez held his hand out to me. “I’m Riot.”
I took his hand, letting his big fingers engulf mine, but staring at Hawk the entire time. Everyone else had a road name. Maybe it was time I embraced mine. “I’m Little Mouse.”
Hawk’s nostrils flared.
Riot’s gaze bounced back and forth between me and Hawk.
“Kara,” Hawk said again, but this time it was with the growling undertone of a warning.
“What?” I challenged him. “Who says you’re the only one allowed to call me that? It’s not like you asked me if I liked it, did you?”
He grabbed my arm, pulling me in tight against his chest. “Because we both know damn well you do. We both fucking know every time I use that name on you, you get a tingle down your pretty little spine that settles right between your thighs.”
He breathed heavily, and my breaths matched his, my body igniting once more at his touch and reminding me he was right. Every time he spoke like that I just wanted to melt into a puddle of arousal and let him do whatever he wanted to do to me.
But he hadn’t meant a word of it. Because he was a fucking liar.
I shoved him away. “Don’t touch me.”
His face was a mass of confusion, his brows furrowed, his head shaking, squinting like he couldn’t work me out. Anger finally broke through all the rest. “Are you for real? You were damn near begging me to fuck you in the theater just a couple hours ago. And now you’re getting drunk and don’t even want me to touch you? What happened between then and now, because I have no idea what the hell I did? I know I’m not very smart, so take pity on me and spell it out. What happened in that bathroom, Kara?”
“Chaos,” I spat out at him, unable to hold my tongue a second longer. “Complete and utter chaos .” I put the emphasis on the last word, staring Hawk dead in the eye so he’d know exactly what I meant.
Understanding dawned in his eyes.
And then guilt.
Fuck him.
“You knew he was alive, didn’t you?” I whispered, knowing the truth but needing to hear him say it.
He looked away and then finally dragged his gaze to meet mine. “Yes.”
I nodded. It was probably the first truth he’d ever told me. But it did nothing to ease the hurt inside. I turned away, taking another swallow of the liquid. “Just leave me alone, Hawk.”
He paused for a minute, and I prayed he would listen .
Because I didn’t know how long I could stand there and defy him when every second felt so wrong.
He gave a single nod and backed away, his gaze holding mine until I let Riot and his friends surround me.
Anything to not have to see the aching hurt and regret in Hawk’s green eyes.