Chapter 18
Sean
It was six p.m. by the time Sean reached the distillery, sweat prickling on the back of his neck from the run from the cooperage. Jamie was in his office, shirt sleeves rolled up, winding up a video call of some kind.
Sean would forever be grateful to his older brother for taking on the role of Chief Operating Officer then the distillery CEO as their father became too ill to do it himself.
Besides getting the rest of them off the hook from working in an office in a suit and tie, it meant that there was family at the helm of the business.
And that mattered. A lot. The distillery wasn’t merely business. It was blood. From the barrels Sean sweated over, to the flavours his mother as Master Distiller selected, to the bottles of the stuff Cal sold in his bars in Edinburgh.
Jamie motioned for Sean to sit down, but he jogged on the spot and pointed at his watch.
Jamie, ever the professional, nodded at the screen and continued to speak in what Sean called ‘business drivel’ but which he knew was a necessary part of keeping the company running.
Jamie did, however, manage a subtly raised middle finger under the desk.
Sean grinned. He loved how he could reduce his sensible big brother to behaving like a teenager again.
‘Right, let’s go!’ Sean clapped his hands when the call ended. ‘You were meant to be ready at six.’
‘Alright, calm doon, son.’ Jamie echoed their dad’s words and softened Sean’s nervous energy. ‘Give me five minutes to get into my short shorts, and we’re good to go.’
‘Jesus, not the short shorts. Suppose you’ll be wanting to run past the nursing home.’
‘I have had a few requests this week, but okay, I’ll wear normal shorts, and we’ll avoid the village.’
Thankfully, Jamie kept his word, and soon they were pounding along the shoreline road, the evening breeze working as nature’s air conditioning on their warming, clammy skin.
‘So,’ Jamie said, ‘how’s married life? Are things okay? I’ve been a bit worried about you. We all have.’
If there was one person Sean could tell the truth to, it was Jamie. Niall was often his closest confidante, but he and Carli were visiting her sister in Australia, and Jamie had a head that was way older and wiser than his years.
This was hard, though – admitting that his marriage was a sham to the brother who had it all.
Loved up with a Hollywood star he’d met while snowed in at a Highland hotel, who’d given it all up to come to live in Kinshore.
It was like Jamie was born with the script and stage directions and just needed to arrive for curtain up.
‘No need to worry; it’s all good.’ Sean upped the pace, almost too obviously, noticing as he did a solitary hare sitting in a nearby field, ears up, on high alert for predators. ‘Shall we go harder here?’
‘Thought we were still warming up?’
‘Ach, warm up, schmorm up. C’mon.’ He jogged backwards, beckoning to his brother to hurry, before turning around and running on ahead. Anything to outpace the subject hot on his heels.
Who was he kidding? All he was doing was buying time.
Jamie was no idiot, and he’d known Sean his whole life – watched him slide carrots off his plate and into his school shorts pocket, seen him try to hide his heartbreak by acting like James Bond when his first girlfriend dumped him.
If Sean thought he could kid him now, he was delusional.
For three miles along the coastline road, they ran in near silence, the evening sun providing encouragement, and the wide ribbon of sand and sea a familiar friend training alongside them.
Sean tried to lose himself in the rhythm of their breaths, in the sound of their trainers thwacking on the tarmac, in the pointing out of kestrels, pheasants, grouse and carelessly discarded bits of litter. Anything.
‘See that Snickers wrapper?’ He pointed to the verge. ‘Every week I pick it up, and the next time I’m out, there’s another one in its place. Why can’t folk take their litter home?’
‘It’s annoying, alright,’ Jamie agreed, an edge to his voice that hinted he knew this was the symptom not the illness.
As their journey brought them back to the outskirts of Kinshore, Jamie suggested they take the pace down a bit.
‘How about we go onto the beach, get some breeze in our ears and sand in our face?’
‘Aye alright.’
‘And you can tell me what’s really going on?’
‘No idea what you mean, but sure.’ Sean wanted to talk to Jamie, but the Captain Coping persona Cherry had recognised was strutting about the scene, and taking off the cape was far harder than it seemed.
How long had he been doing this? Helping others with their problems and shoving his own in the to-do pile?
It was a strategy that showed cracks when your dad had died and your wife was leaving you.
Jamie’s voice sharpened and softened at the same time. ‘Don’t fob me off, Seany.’ He stopped shy of the path through the sand dunes, pinning Sean with his serious older-brother stare. ‘Something’s not right. Let it out.’
The nearby waves roared in Sean’s ears, like the truth he was avoiding. He was cornered, back at school, caught by the teacher with no way out. But unlike any teacher of Sean’s, Jamie didn’t push it further. It was his style. He opened his door and let you come to him.
This was hard, though. Massive. Nobody needed his self-created drama when they were all grieving their dad.
But Jamie read his face. ‘And if you’re holding back because we’re grieving dad then forget it. That is precisely why you need to share.’
Sean rested his vision on a spot far out at sea where a wave was cresting, about to break perfectly. He felt a lot like that wave, besides the perfectly bit. Thank God for Jamie.
‘My marriage is fucked.’ The wave peaked, curled and rolled towards shore. He could be riding that right now. Whatever happened, surfing was never one of his problems. ‘We’re getting it annulled.’
‘Eh?’ Jamie frowned. ‘But you guys are smitten. There’s no way that’s fake. No way.’
‘Aye, we are. It’s not that. She’s incredible, J. I’m nuts about her. Never felt like this about a woman, ever. And I know she feels the same.’
‘Alright. So what’s going on?’
‘Hee haw, that’s what. I’m living in a sham marriage.’
‘What? So, you haven’t…?’
‘Aye, besides a wee thing the other day, we haven’t. Not for want of sexual chemistry. It’s complicated. It was all going great until we went to see Cherry’s mum, who set off a bunch of fucked-up thoughts Cherry has about not being a good enough wife. She’s convinced that she can’t be what I need.’
‘Which is what exactly?’ Jamie removed his baseball cap and streaked his hand through his dark, sweat-damp hair.
‘A “normal” wife, a mum. Her own mum kind of reinforces the ideal, doesn’t believe in her own daughter.’
Jamie stared at Sean for longer than Sean was entirely comfortable with. His brother was reading him, scanning all the data and about to deliver a sensible, measured solution. Nevertheless, it was intimidating.
‘Okay, ignoring the bit about you having a “normal” anything… The mum thing… What is that?’ Cap back on, Jamie embarked on some quad stretches, perhaps to make this easier for Sean.
Sean absent-mindedly stretched too. ‘It’s complicated. I don’t want to say too much. But it’s kind of linked to her poker player lifestyle, other things that happened in her past.’
‘Ah, okay, say no more. You don’t need to share her private stuff with me.’
Jamie’s near sixth sense was helpful, meaning Sean could avoid explaining the finer detail.
‘I’ve tried telling her that families are built in different ways, that my half-brother is my cousin, three of us are adopted, etcetera.
But it’s like meeting you all has made things worse.
She sees the family as too perfect and is convinced I deserve better.
Basically, I’ve persuaded her to stay for two months and do the poker pro-am thing.
I’m hoping it might make things a bit clearer for me, too.
But after that, she’s gone. I’ll never see her again.
I’m taking her to meet Mum on Friday and dreading it. ’
‘Okay, okay.’ Jamie raised his palms. ‘Let’s back-pedal a wee bit and unpack a few things.’
‘Uh-oh, the business speak is out.’ Sean’s jest betrayed his worry that he was about to be hit with wisdom he’d been hiding from.
But Jamie ignored the playful jibe. ‘That wee hidden nugget in what you said tells me a lot. You need things to be clearer. On one hand, you’re telling her it’s all fine and you can adopt or something, but you need time to think.
Why is the “you” in this equation buried so deep it’s practically hidden? ’
Sean had to concede. ‘That’s a point I don’t have an answer to.’
‘Right. First things first, do you want to adopt kids? How much have you thought about that?’
This was such a simple question, yet it went right to the crux of the matter. ‘I dunno. I suppose we grew up with it, so I thought why not?’
‘Because it’s a massive deal – you don’t need me to tell you that – and if you need to think on things, then perhaps that’s not the best solution to chuck out there right now.’
‘Aye, fair enough. I’ve thought about it from time to time but haven’t had to go too deep.’
‘And maybe it’s not what Cherry wants,’ Jamie added another salient point. ‘So, putting that to the side, what is important is how you and Cherry feel about one another.’
Jamie’s positive tone gave Sean cause for optimism. ‘Care to expand?’
‘As a matter of fact, I do.’ He smiled that warm, wry smile of his, and Sean loosened further.
‘Listen,’ Jamie said, ‘when I met Alicia, I didn’t get given a folder with her history to peruse, and I certainly didn’t have a time machine.
I had no idea what our future would be like.
All I knew was how I felt about her. She’s the love of my life, plain and simple.
Maybe we’ll have a family, maybe we won’t, but no way am I letting her go.
Not now, not ever. And you’ve, unfortunately, come into this a completely different way around.
Armed with some sort of knowledge that confuses things.
What I say is, put that aside and focus on how you and Cherry make one another feel. She’s the one, right?’
‘Aye. Hundred percent.’
‘Great. She needs to know that. If she believes it, she might feel more confident in staying. She’s only known you five minutes, remember?
She’s still feeling her way to see if she can trust you.
Be there for her if she wants to open up.
When I met Alicia, she was holding onto stuff about her past. I could sense it, but I couldn’t force it out of her.
Luckily, we got there in the end, albeit with a bit of drama along the way.
Being snowed in with nowhere else to go might have helped. ’
‘Aye, no chance of any snow in this weather.’ Sean dug his foot into the warm evening sand. ‘Thing is, we’re living in the same house, and the tension is insane. She’s right on the other side of the bedroom wall, J. It’s too fucking much.’
Jamie scrubbed his jaw. ‘Trust takes time. Stop trying to fix things and go with the flow and show her you’re there for her. To talk if she needs to talk. And, you know, Kinshore has this way of getting under people’s skin.’
‘Aye, that’s true.’
‘Whatever you do, take it easy.’ Jamie rested a reassuring, solid hand on Sean’s shoulder. ‘It’s been a full-on few years, not to mention the last six months. You’ve been dealing with tons of stress.’
‘Och, I’m fine.’ And there he was, Captain Coping again. Why did he do this, in front of his big brother no less? It was so hard-wired into his brain that it was hard to let go of.
Jamie quirked a brow. ‘Mibbes aye, mibbes naw. Look after yourself, wee bro. Mum doesn’t need to lose a son as well as a husband. You can cancel the poker tournament, if need be, and focus on the cycling.’
‘Aye, I could do.’ Not for one second would Sean consider this; it would be like dishonouring his dad. ‘But I plan to raise a shitload of money for the charity. Cherry’s got great connections.’
‘So do you. Connor, for one. And his pal. The Duff guy.’
The Duff guy. This made Sean laugh. Jamie might have married into a celebrity family, but his knowledge of anyone famous could barely be considered as such.
He didn’t own a TV and made sure his priorities were what he considered real-life matters – the distillery, family, love.
Not that different from Sean, in many ways.
It was refreshing. His advice was like the cool coastal wind in the warm evening air.
‘Aye, I’ve half the A-list on speed dial. What it boils down to is I need this poker tournament to happen, and I need Cherry to sort it. I’ll have to accept the pain of living with, but not being able to, touch my smoking-hot wife. Which is a whole new kind of frustration.’
‘I can imagine.’ Jamie’s concerned older-brother face was back. ‘Who knows, she might be lying in her bed, wishing you’d knock in Morse code and ask her to come through.’
‘Ha. Is there an app for learning Morse code? I’ll download it tonight.’