Chapter 33
Sean
Sean considered skipping the usual Sunday drop-in at his mum’s house to avoid questions about Cherry. But that meant lying to her and sitting at home alone, so he opted for the lesser discomfort.
Of course, one of the first questions Amanda asked before he’d sat down at the kitchen table was: ‘How’s Cherry after the tournament yesterday?’
‘Aye, fine, I think.’ For all he knew, she was. ‘She raised a lot of money, Mum. A lot.’
‘That’s fantastic. But you think she’s fine?’
If they were breaking up, then he may as well pull the plaster off. It was hard to mask everything right now. And it could be time he stopped.
‘She’s gone to see her mum,’ he said. ‘She left this morning.’
Amanda watched Sean intently. His heartache was probably written all over his face. He shrugged. ‘I’m not sure she’ll be back.’
‘Oh, Sean.’ Far from an I told you so. Amanda was nothing but compassionate. ‘What happened?’
Burdening his mum with the news that Cherry had left was unfair, especially as his dad’s birthday was on the horizon, so he wouldn’t go into any more detail.
‘I’d rather not talk about it. Let’s focus on the ashes.
’ Normally, at this time of year, Amanda would be busy organising a huge party for her husband.
But the plan on Jimmy Butler’s birthday this September was for the siblings to get on their surfboards and to scatter his ashes at sea.
It would be a moving tribute, but there was nothing to plan, except to get everyone in the same place and on a surfboard, including – at her own insistence – his mum.
‘Listen to me,’ Amanda soothed in the matter-of-fact tone that had given Sean an immense amount of comfort his whole life.
‘Everyone is heartbroken, so we need to support one another. Your Sean the superhero act won’t save anyone, so please, if you won’t talk to me, talk to one of your brothers.
They all need it as much as you. Do you understand? ’
Suitably humbled, Sean mumbled, ‘Aye, I do.’
‘Good.’ Amanda leaned against the oven and watched him.
He picked at crumbs on the table, hoping she would stop soon. When things became unnervingly quiet, he looked up to see her flexing her biceps Charles Atlas style. It was sweet and playful and made him smile. She always knew how to do that.
‘Do you think I’ve got what it takes to paddle out the back?’ she said.
‘Mum, you won’t need to do anything. I’ll do all the work, or whoever’s board you want to ride on. But, as I’ve said before, we can get you a boat.’
‘Oh no. Your dad wasn’t interested in boats. We agreed on surfing.’
‘Alright then. You can come with me, and I’ll make sure you’re safe. But wear your armbands in case.’
Amanda playfully slapped Sean with a dishtowel. ‘I’ll armband you! I’ve been swimming since before you were even an idea.’
‘I know, I know. Just teasing.’
After they had finished their meal, Sean stacked the dishwasher and was getting ready to leave when his mum stopped him.
‘I have something to give you. From your dad.’ She disappeared for a minute or two before returning with an envelope and a small jewellery box.
The last run-in Sean had with a jewellery box didn’t end so well, and if what was in this one was what he thought it was, he had to do this alone.
‘You don’t have to open anything here.’ Amanda sensed his hesitation. ‘But I wanted you to have it now. It seems like the right time.’
‘Is everyone getting a letter?’
She nodded. ‘Yes. Everyone is. And everyone is getting something. This’ – she pushed the box into his clammy hand – ‘is yours. It’s nothing big, and we’ll do the will reading soon, but now feels like I should give it to you.’
Holding whatever this mini heirloom was, Sean thanked his mum. ‘I’ll open it at home. I think I might need a reinforcement dram.’
‘Yes. You could see if your lovely wife could be there, too.’ Amanda skimmed her eyes over his left hand but said nothing about the missing ring.
Thank goodness.
‘Aye.’ He styled it out and tried his best to meet his mum’s eye. His ‘lovely wife’ was one reason he knew he couldn’t deal with this anywhere besides alone.
Back in his own house, Sean steeled himself for opening the letter and box. Despite what he’d said to his mum, it wasn’t his style to sit down with a cup of tea or even a dram. He wanted to see the contents now.
At the kitchen island, he tipped back the lid of the jewellery box. Inside was, as expected, jewellery, but the appositeness of the item threw him, and he stepped back to take it in.
A sapphire bracelet with deep blue stones that sparkled like the inky Kintyre sky. It was exquisite. It would look beautiful on…
Someone whose job was to win bracelets.
How could his dad have known? He couldn’t. It was a poetic coincidence. Sean slid his finger under the seal of the letter and pulled out the thick, creamy notepaper folded inside. One solitary sheet. Long missives weren’t his dad’s thing. He leaned his back against the island and read.
Dear Sean,
This was your grandmother’s bracelet. I would like you to have it, to give to a someone as precious and iridescent as the bracelet itself.
I know, one day, you’ll find that person.
Perhaps you already have. Whenever it happens, hold on to her and love her with every ounce of passion and energy you have in that enormous heart of yours.
Dad.
Oh fuck! He could see his dad sitting at his desk writing this letter, before he lost the ability to write, having no idea how much his son would almost succeed on those wishes.
The sharp sense of having failed his father clawed at Sean.
Shards of salt water stabbed at his eyes, his legs opted out of normal functioning and gravity slid him down the wall, the letter crushing in his fist.
Fuck!
How was it possible to feel this empty and still have air in your lungs? To be so hollowed out and still have a pulse beating in your chest? Everything was gone – his dad, Cherry, his hopes of honouring the wishes in that letter. The regret was phenomenal.
Sean staggered one fist to his abdomen and forced himself to breathe and count.
In, two, three, four… Out, two, three, four. Come on, Seany, you’ve got this. You do. You do.
He didn’t. Meditation was never his strong point, and now was not the time to master it.
‘I tried, Dad. I did.’ Through blurred vision, Sean flattened the letter out onto his knee, like he’d done with Cherry’s bucket list the night they met.
‘To hold on to her and love her with everything I have. I can’t even explain how much I love her.
’ His head fell back against the island. ‘I have no idea if she’s coming back.’
Tugging at his hair, the only tangible thing he could find, Sean let the volcano inside erupt, tears spurting. Hot. Burning. Inevitable. Months – years – of holding everything in, being a hero for everyone else, hurtling out, emotion no longer permitting suppression.
‘Fuck! Dad, I miss you… I miss you.’
A great, heaving breath shuddered through his whole body. An earthquake upending everything he’d fought so hard to keep solid and stable.
‘I love her so fucking much. What have I done?’
Another quaking sob racked him. Sean let it come. And the next one and the next one. Until there were none left. Just a man, ordinarily larger than life, now a defeated, crumpled mess slumped against the kitchen island.
Lost, heartbroken and alone.