Chapter 16 #2
‘Actually, no,’ I say firmly. ‘I really like you. Very much. Like… properly.’ The actual L-word hovers in the air around us but I don’t use it.
I don’t know why. ‘It didn’t feel like no-strings to me.
I like you very, very much. Everything about you.
The way you make everyone around you, including me, feel good about themselves.
The way you sleep curled into a ball and can sleep through anything.
The fact that you actually like “Dance Monkey”.
The way you brought a good twenty hair scrunchies on a four-day trip and still couldn’t find one this morning. ’
I pause, wondering why I’m not coming straight out and telling her I love her. I suppose it’s because it feels like it would be too much, given that we aren’t going to continue this.
Flavia raises her eyebrows, her face otherwise expressionless.
‘But,’ I say.
She nods, clearly having been waiting for it.
‘I wreck relationships. I’ve had a lot. All bad. Not only have they all ended, most of them have ended negatively. I care about you too much to do that to you.’
‘Right.’ She picks up her Kindle.
‘And Vinny warned me off,’ I continue. ‘And he was right.’
‘What?’ She places her Kindle down very deliberately onto her lap. ‘Why would he do that? Were you discussing me?’
‘No. Basically, it turns out that our mothers set us up on this trip in the hope of getting us together. Your mum told Vinny. And he messaged me and told me to leave his sister alone because he doesn’t want you to get hurt. Especially when you’re straight out of a difficult marriage break-up.’
‘When did he send that?’
‘Yesterday.’
‘Right.’ Flavia looks a lot angrier than I would ever have imagined she could. Her mouth is very straight and her jaw very set and her eyes are daggers. ‘And what did you do about that message?’
‘I said… okay.’
‘And then?’
I wince. ‘Well… then I ignored it. I mean, in the short term. But now I’m kind of observing it.’ I’m pretty sure I sound like an absolute dickhead but I don’t really know what else to say. ‘I mean, yes, I am observing it.’
‘Wow.’ Flavia shakes her head, while maintaining her homicidal look.
‘Setting aside the question of why my moronic brother thinks it’s okay to interfere in my life, what about you?
You let your football and pub buddy dictate how you treat another adult?
You’re nearly thirty-six, not sixteen. Pathetic. ’
‘Um.’ I’m doing the right thing. I’m trying to protect her from getting hurt. ‘I mean, I think I’m proving right now that I can’t do relationships. I can’t even do this conversation.’
Flavia’s glare becomes even more pronounced.
She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. I think she might be counting to ten.
Then she opens her eyes, and says, very, very slowly, ‘You. Dick. You arrogant dick.’ She leans closer and says very, very quietly, so that I have to lean in to hear her, ‘Has it occurred to you at all that I might not be looking for a relationship? That I might have been extremely keen for some no-strings sex? That you might just be a rebound fling after my marriage breakdown? And, by the way, that if I were looking for a relationship, it would not be with someone who has the biological age of thirty-six but the maturity of a toddler?’
I say nothing and don’t move either. I cannot think of anything I could say or do that would make Flavia less angry right now.
‘I separated from my husband a few months ago. I am not ready for a new relationship. Especially since Jed told me yesterday that he wants to get back with me and try for kids.’
‘Wow.’ I was not expecting that. I feel like I’ve been doused in cold water. ‘So, for you this really was… just sex?’
Flavia looks at me for a long time, and then she says, ‘I don’t know.’
I can’t remember the last time I cried, but my eyes feel pre-tears heavy right now.
‘Are you… going to get back together with Jed?’ I ask.
‘I don’t know.’
‘You aren’t back with him now?’
Flavia looks even angrier. She’s white-knuckle gripping her Kindle so hard I think it could crack.
‘Are you suggesting that I would have had sex with you if I were back with Jed?’
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘No. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Of course not.’ I do know that she would never, ever do that.
She nods, like she knows I know she wouldn’t and I was just being as stupidly crap as she’s obviously coming to expect.
‘Was it… because of trying for kids that you split up?’ I ask, before immediately adding, ‘Sorry, I know that that’s none of my business.’
Flavia shakes her head, like she’s just weary. ‘Yes, basically.’
‘So… if he’d wanted to try for kids you’d still be together.’
She nods.
God.
Wow. Wow. I was almost thinking that I should tell her I love her and try to be a better person, be worthy of her, be a good partner for the first time ever. But now… Yeah. Obviously I am not going to attempt to come between her and her husband.
I take a moment to wonder who she would choose out of me and Jed, if she didn’t have all the history with him. Can it be possible that she has this level of connection with him? Surely not. How could you have that with more than one person?
She does have all the history with him, though. Their divorce isn’t even fully through yet. Apparently it takes quite a long time in Australia.
And clearly he’s better at relationships than I am, so he must be better for her than I would be anyway.
God.
I suddenly remember something and ask, ‘When you used the word jedalike on the flight out did you mean that I was like Jed?’
‘Yep. On first sight. Not really, though.’ She shakes her head. ‘It was a nothing.’
‘Okay. Yep.’ I don’t know why I asked. Probably because I feel completely stunned, like I’ve been punched and winded: the pain I’m feeling right now is almost physical.
I’ve never loved anyone unattainable before.
I’ve never loved anyone full stop. Except Flavia. Maybe I’ve always loved Flavia.
‘Good luck with your decision,’ I say, to round the conversation off, because, well, I can’t really think what else there is to say.
Flavia raises one eyebrow and says, ‘Thanks,’ like she’s trying to kill me with the word. And then she turns so that she’s angled towards the window and her back is towards me and switches her Kindle back on.
I don’t want us to be on bad terms. I want her to be happy. Bad terms don’t make anyone happy.
So I clear my throat, and say, ‘Thank you for being my companion on an amazing trip.’
I realise immediately the words are out of my mouth that I couldn’t have said anything more trite and that it could also definitely be interpreted as unpleasantly sarky.
Or just… weird, following the conversation we just had.
I think about apologising, and then I decide that not talking is probably my best option.
Flavia turns slowly to look at me, and, with her face entirely devoid of expression, says, ‘Likewise,’ before resuming her back-to-me position.
And then, a few seconds later, she turns back round, and says, ‘You were a great companion. Thank you.’ She gives me a small smile, and then looks back down at her Kindle.
I think her eyes are moist.
I think mine might be too.
* * *
It’s a long night. I thought I’d be tired and sleep reasonably well – I am tired – but unfortunately it turns out that deep sadness keeps me awake.
After a bit of – definitely fake – Kindle reading, Flavia closes her eyes, as though she’s asleep. I’m pretty sure she isn’t, though. During this trip I’ve got to know how Flavia is when she sleeps, and it’s not like this.
We spend the night mostly both awake next to each other but not at all together.
I do eventually doze briefly, but am awake again by the time the air stewards wake people up for breakfast.
Flavia is sound asleep, surrounded by her bottle of water, Kindle and book, hair scrunchie, mints, lip balm and a half-empty tube of salt and vinegar Pringles. I can’t believe how much I love her chaos now.
God. I wish I was a better person and I wish that Jed didn’t want to get back with her. Except, I want her to be happy and that’s probably the right thing for her. So… yep, I don’t know what I want.
I think I just want to get off this flight and go home and return to normal life.
Neither of us really eats much breakfast. We’re scrupulously polite to each other, which is excruciating.
Then, just as we land, Flavia says, ‘I’ve been thinking, and there’s something I’d like to say. For your sake.’
‘Okay.’ I brace myself.
‘So. I think, for the future, your future, your happiness, there’s something you need to understand.
No-one is in a long-lasting, positive relationship until their big one, are they?
Some people only have one relationship ever, others have lots.
But for all the people who have a lot of short-term relationships until they meet the person they’re going to settle down with, be it forever or just for a few years, they aren’t in a long-lasting, positive relationship until that point.
I mean, I’m separated, and I might soon be divorced.
But I don’t view myself as someone who can’t do forever relationships.
I view myself as someone who totally can do forever relationships, even though I haven’t necessarily yet met my forever person. ’
She pauses for breath, while I just sit and stare at her, and then she continues, ‘Also, for the record, while I do view myself as someone who can one day do a forever relationship, I am not someone who would want to be in a relationship with an immature dickhead who is going to hurt me.’
‘Would I be that immature dickhead?’ I enquire.
‘Maybe, maybe not,’ she says airily.
The pilot tells us that we should be disembarking in about five minutes.
I feel like I have five minutes left to salvage… something.
Unfortunately, I really can’t work out what I should be thinking or saying, so we sit in silence, Flavia staring out of the window, apparently finding tarmac fascinating, me staring blankly at my phone on my lap.
Once we’re off the plane, we walk through the terminal to passport control and then baggage control with Judith and Mike. They both have a lot to say, fortunately, because neither Flavia nor I are producing a lot of conversation.
I lift Flavia’s suitcase off the carousel for her. I now know why it’s so remarkably heavy – the simple answer is that she took a lot of stuff.
As soon as we’re through the ‘nothing to declare’ exit, Flavia says, ‘I need to pop to the ladies so I’ll say goodbye to you all here. Happy New Year again, and thank you for being wonderful holiday companions.’
‘Likewise,’ I say.
Judith and Flavia share a long hug, Mike kisses Flavia’s cheek, and then Flavia and I kind of hover for a second, before I lean in for a distant double air kiss.
And then Flavia wheels her case round and walks off.
I suddenly really, really want to call after her that I love her, but am inhibited by Judith and Mike, so I excuse myself, and run after Flavia.
‘I love you,’ I say.
She looks up at me, raises one eyebrow, says, ‘Likewise, but goodbye,’ and then walks away from me again.
Her case falls over and her handbag falls open and strews stuff over the floor as she’s picking the case up. I move forward to help her but am halted by her giving me a death stare.
She doesn’t say goodbye this time when, belongings all gathered up, she begins to wheel her case forwards again.
‘I love you,’ I mouth at her back. I think that’s the last time I’ll ever say that.