Chapter 27
CHAPTER 27
I knew I was home when I heard Jamie saying my name. I woke, bleary-eyed, in the back seat of the car, my neck cricked, my lap covered with a grey fleece blanket.
‘I thought I was supposed to drive the home stretch,’ I said, rubbing my eyes.
‘You were fast asleep. I didn’t want to wake you,’ he said.
We were parked up outside my cottage. I opened the car door as Jamie got out and started unloading my case. The sky was a dense blue–black, the stars bright and clear. The trees were still and the Gothic details of the cottage were bathed in pale moonlight.
I landed on my feet with a squelch. Still muddy, then . I clomped up the pathway and unlocked the door, Jamie following quietly behind. He put my case down on the hearth carpet, looked around as I turned the lights on.
We stared at each other.
‘Thanks,’ I said. It felt like an ending. I wondered if we would ever be alone again. Here, like this. And there was only one thing I wanted to do. I walked quickly across the room, wrapped my arms around him, and buried my face in his chest. Just to feel him, just to smell him.
He froze for a minute, then his arms closed around me. I felt his breath in my hair.
‘How long before you go?’ he said, his voice rough.
‘Ten days.’ My voice was muffled against his shoulder.
‘Anna.’ His fingers were running through my hair. ‘You’ve got no idea how much I want you to stay. How much I…’ He buried his face in my hair and swore under his breath. ‘This is wrong. I’m not being – honourable.’
The moment snapped. The atmosphere changed. We’d passed some kind of midnight – our carriage had turned into a pumpkin. We couldn’t stand here for ever; and there were too many obstacles for us to go forwards.
‘I have to go,’ he said, gently disentangling himself from me.
‘She doesn’t love you,’ I said. I was tired and sad and I couldn’t hide it any more. But the words felt wrong as they left my mouth. It wasn’t my place to tell him this.
His gaze had flicked back to my face. I suppose he saw the guilt there, the hesitation.
‘She doesn’t need to,’ he said. ‘Wasn’t it you who said to me us aristocrats aren’t like other people? And with my ice-cold heart, I’m lucky I’ve found someone to put up with me.’
My heart twisted. ‘You deserve more than that,’ I said, and caught the barely perceptible shake of his head.
‘Goodnight, Anna,’ he said.
Sleep should have been impossible, but I slept like the dead. When I woke up, the morning was in full swing and I realised I’d forgotten to set my alarm, reaching over and turning the clock towards me.
9.45.
I swore under my breath, swung out of bed and padded across the boards to find my phone. The room looked as though I’d got undressed whilst drunk – clothes everywhere and my phone on the dressing table, where I never normally left it.
Six missed calls from Tobias.
Three messages from Tobias.
TOBIAS Where are you? Major drama here:
BANANA
What point is there in having a code word if you don’t reply?
As I stared blankly at the screen, a new message popped up. It was from Roshni.
ROSHNI Did you know?
I hit Tobias’s number. He answered in three rings, his voice crackling as my wifi sluggishly connected us.
‘Hi stranger,’ I heard Tobias say breathlessly. ‘You will not believe this.’
‘Edited highlights please. I can get details later. Everyone’s alive, aren’t they?’
‘Just about. But Lucinda’s got burned .’
I sat down on the bed. ‘What happened?’
‘From what I can gather, when Jamie got back to the house last night, Lucinda was in the flat.’
I frowned. ‘And?’
‘And she wasn’t alone.’
My sleepy mind ground its gears. I put my hand to my chest. ‘Shit. Not?’
‘Darren.’
I put my hand to my mouth. I wanted to weep at the sheer monumentality of it. Jamie, arriving home, exhausted and run through the emotional mill, to find—
‘They weren’t…?’
‘I’m not sure, but it must have been bad – the engagement’s off.’
A kind of squawk escaped me.
‘Anna! Are you alright? You sound like you’re having a coronary.’
‘I’m fine, I’m fine. How’s Jamie?’
‘I don’t know. Haven’t seen him. I got half the story from Callum and the rest from Tally.’
I suddenly remembered the message Jamie had left with Tally. ‘Was Tally there yesterday?’
‘What? Oh, yeah. But she was avoiding Lucinda like the plague. I think she suspected what was happening.’
I sat very still. Good old Tally. She hadn’t given Lucinda the message that Jamie was coming home. It was against her code not to do something Jamie had asked her to do; it must have been hard for her.
‘And where’s Darren the Dreadful?’
‘Who knows? He’s had the good sense to feck off somewhere.’
‘God almighty.’ I could feel the beginnings of a headache. I told Tobias I would be there in 45 minutes. As I rifled through my wardrobe looking for something to wear, I messaged Roshni.
ANNA I didn’t know the half of it .
ROSHNI We’re on our way .
The estate office was quieter than I thought it would be. Tobias was the only one there, drumming away at his keyboard with an intense look on his face as though he was programming code for MI5.
‘Emails,’ he said. ‘I’m cancelling some of the wedding stuff. The amount of crap she ordered, it’ll take a week at least. Tally’s gone home with a migraine.’ Beside him was Tally’s thick ring binder entitled WEDDING – EARL. At the sight of it, my stomach lurched.
‘Where is Lucinda?’
‘Gone home. She came to groom her horses earlier and Pat threw an egg sandwich at her. She was on her lunch break and said it was the only thing she had to hand.’
‘Bloody hell. Bit extreme. So word’s got around then?’
‘I might have been responsible for that. I set up a WhatsApp group with the staff and volunteers whilst you and Fi were away.’
‘For gossiping purposes?’ I raised my eyebrows.
‘No! But they needed to know. Look, I didn’t share any details.’ He waved his phone at me. I took it and looked at the message he’d sent.
FYI Lucinda has betrayed the earl and will no longer be lady of the manor. Please feel free to punish her as you see fit.
I gave it back to him. ‘Don’t demonise her, Tobias.’
‘She demonised herself!’
‘True, but she’s going to be devastated.’
‘She’s not. That’s the weird thing. She didn’t even really seem that bothered.’
I goggled at him. Not bothered? At losing Jamie? I’d been crawling around on my knees for the last few weeks unable to function, and she was waltzing off without a care in the world.
‘This is almost enough to make me start smoking again,’ said Roshni, wrapping her fleece-lined coat tight around her as we sat on the antique bench in Belheddonbrae, cradling cups of tea that Mica had brought out to us. Roshni and George had arrived at half three, without the children this time.
‘Chocolate is my vice,’ I said. ‘Luckily, Tobias cleared out the staff biscuit stash in my absence, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to speak to you because my mouth would be full.’
She grinned but the smile faded quickly. ‘What a mess.’
‘Yep.’ I glanced at her. ‘Is that one of those designer dry robes? What the hell? Not a drop of water for three miles.’
She looked sheepish. ‘I just grabbed the first thing on the way out of the door.’
‘Bloody Londoners.’
‘Humph.’ She snuggled further into it.
‘How is he?’ I said. I’d been thinking constantly about whether to text Jamie. But why would he need a text from me? It would be like rubbing salt into a wound.
‘I mean, fine, kind of,’ said Roshni, her eyes fixed on the landscape. ‘But it’s like he’s completely withdrawn. He was already going that way, even when they were engaged, but now it’s complete. Like he doesn’t feel anything. And that worries me. The boarding school training, kicking in. Good old Hugo, though. Every time Jamie sits down, he leaps into his lap and gazes adoringly at him. It brings him back into the world again.’
‘We don’t deserve dogs,’ I said. ‘Plus, Hugo never liked Lucinda.’
‘Exactly!’ said Roshni. ‘Even the dog knew she was bullshitting. Honestly, my brother-in-law has spent his whole life being treated like a trophy to be won rather than an actual person. It’s exhausting watching so many women throw themselves at him like lemmings over a cliff.’
‘For the record, I think she did have feelings for him,’ I said.
‘Are you insane?’ Roshni widened her eyes at me. ‘The moment she got with him, she stopped paying her stable bills and started harping on about Mummy and Daddy not having enough money to do up the rectory. Don’t tell me to be soft on a gold-digger.’
‘Fair enough. But her life is here. She stables her horses here.’
‘I know. She’s messaged Jamie. He says he’s fine about it. Couldn’t care less.’
I caught her eye and she fiddled with her sleeve. ‘Exactly. Weird, no? So help me, gilts and bonds and City boys are about a hundred times easier to deal with than all these feelings .’ She held an imaginary cigarette in her elegant, tapering fingers.
‘I’m sure Jamie’s glad you and George are here.’
‘I think so. I don’t know. George is going to get in touch with some of their mutual friends, arrange some visits. Jamie needs company that isn’t just beagle-shaped. I’ve told him if he doesn’t agree, I’ll pay someone to kidnap him and deliver him to our house where he can babysit Kes and Jake.’ She sighed.
‘I told him I wanted to stay here,’ I said. ‘On the way back from London. He said it wasn’t a good idea.’
Roshni smacked her own forehead with a flat palm. ‘What is wrong with you two? I could knock your heads together. And why couldn’t you just be together, in the first place?’
‘I swore, when I came here, I’d learn to say no to things,’ I said quietly. ‘I was always such a “yes woman”. Saying no to the relationship with Jamie was part of getting over that.’
She narrowed her eyes. ‘So you’re a recovering people-pleaser?’ she said.
‘Something like that.’
‘Only, you wanted to be with him, didn’t you?’ Her eyes searched my face, her gaze clear and analytical. ‘That’s the impression you gave me.’
‘Yes,’ I said quietly. ‘I did. But—’
‘But nothing. Why didn’t you just put your own happiness first?’
The question floored me. I found myself counting my breaths again. ‘I was scared,’ I said. ‘And I wanted to protect him. Stonemore means so much to him.’
‘He can protect himself ,’ she said. ‘And he can protect Stonemore. But he can’t make himself happy.’
She leaned against me, and nudged me. I glanced at the questioning look on her face.
‘We’re not going to get together,’ I mumbled.
‘Whatever,’ she said, tipping the remainder of her tea onto the ground. ‘I’ve got to get back.’ She got up from the bench and headed off in the direction of the house.
‘Nice dry robe,’ I called after her.
She gave me a cheerful two-fingered salute. ‘Just think about what I said, Anna,’ she called. ‘I mean it.’
The wedding was harder to cancel than you might think, and emails weren’t enough. Phone calls and difficult conversations were required. The following day Tobias got fed up of taking the flak from suppliers so handed the ring binder back to Tally, whereupon she burst into tears. Her bossiness had dissolved so completely I ended up sitting outside on a bench with her, my arm around her as she sobbed onto my shoulder. She seemed more devastated about what had happened than either the bride or the groom. So of course, I offered to take over cancelling things.
‘Sucker,’ mouthed Tobias at me, before launching into a version of ‘If I Only Had A Heart’ from The Wizard of Oz .
It was so strange, deconstructing Lucinda and Jamie’s wedding, gaining glimpses of what it would have been – tartans, roses, evergreens, many many candles (so many, it would definitely have constituted a fire risk – Tally really was the worst collections manager in the world). I could picture it all so clearly, and at the same time it seemed impossible that it had existed at all, even if only in Lucinda’s imagination.
It was, I was told, too late to take back the deposit for the cake, as the fruitcake layers had already been baked and were ‘resting’ and being ‘fed’ daily with syringes of single malt whisky. ‘Single malt,’ I muttered to myself, and saw Tobias shake his head. I arranged for the tiers to be delivered once done – the thought of it perhaps being a massive christening cake for Ross crossed my mind.
The news of the broken engagement had finally reached Fi, and she had called me for a technicolour conversation in which she called Lucinda every name under the sun. Then Ross started crying and she had to go. ‘We should be home next week. Give Jamie my love,’ she said.
Give Jamie my love . The truth was I had no idea what to say to him, but I knew my silence would start to look like coldness. After I’d hung up on the final cancellation call I was prepared to make – to the people who were making handmade favours out of timber cut at Stonemore (‘It was a fallen tree, Jamie insisted we didn’t cut any down, don’t you get on your high horse,’ Tally had bleated), I sat to compose a message to Jamie. One of Callum’s hot chocolates had found its way onto my desk.
‘Have you seen him today?’ I said to Cal, going into his office and shutting the door behind me.
‘Yes.’
‘How’s he doing?’
Callum looked pained, as though he wasn’t equipped to examine the intricacies of the human heart. ‘Alright,’ he said.
I sipped the hot chocolate and licked cream off my upper lip. ‘Anything else to add?’
‘Not really,’ he said, looking uncomfortable. ‘I’m not good at this stuff. He seems fine. Roshni and George are there.’
‘Righty ho.’
‘Oh, and the Tamworths are arriving next week.’
I turned back. We’d been discussing introducing some Tamworth pigs to a small area of the estate. ‘Really?’ I heard the eagerness in my voice.
‘Will you be here?’ He was looking at his computer screen, avoiding my gaze. I knew that move – I’d done it enough myself.
I felt empty. My last day was due to be next Friday. So I would see the Tamworths released and then have to leave them. ‘I hope to be,’ I said.
He nodded. ‘Well, enjoy that hot chocolate. You’ve earned it. Single malt in an effing wedding cake.’ He widened his eyes at me, and started assembling his vape. ‘There’s a reason I intend never to get married.’
The thought of Jamie’s sadness stayed with me all day. I tried to focus on other things, and met with Keith and Mica to discuss how the volunteers were getting on with the parterre maintenance. But that evening, after avoiding my feelings all day, I took a sip of wine, and pressed send on a message to him.
I’m so sorry about what has happened. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know. Ross is doing well and Fi sends best love.
I looked around the room, at the boxes of my possessions. The log burner was built to a blaze and I was wrapped up on the sofa. I couldn’t bring myself to carry on packing. I wanted to dig my heels in like Hugo did when he decided he wasn’t going anywhere without a treat.
I looked back at the phone. Jamie had read the message, but there was no indication that he was online or typing. I put the television on. There was a moody drama about a murder on, but I couldn’t concentrate. When my phone plinked, I snatched it up. Tobias had been busy – it was from Roshni.
Single malt in a wedding cake? Don’t let me near that woman or I’ll murder her.
I rubbed my forehead and put it back down. I couldn’t sit here, waiting. I needed to do something.
I left my fireside behind, put my heavy coat on, and went out into the cold winter night. I took a torch to navigate the muddy, hollowed lane, all the time telling myself I was being stupid, even as I crossed the deer park and the manor house came into view. I wasn’t sure what I was doing, or why.
I came to a halt in the carriage drive of Stonemore, the proud, Neo-Classical house in darkness apart from the lit windows of the flat. I stood there, looking up.
I needed to see him, that was all. No, not needed , I could survive without him – I wanted to see him. I wanted to make sure he was okay.
It was freezing. I stamped my feet on the ground and huddled into my coat.
And then, there he was. Standing at the window. Dressed in black rollneck sweater and jeans. He was looking back at somebody – Roshni or George, I guessed – and speaking. There wasn’t a trace of a smile on his face. He looked so sad. Then he turned and looked out into the night, in my direction.
I was standing in darkness, in a dark coat. Could he even see me? I raised my hand, held it there for a moment.
He frowned for a second. Looked intently. Put the hand that wasn’t holding a mug to the window for a brief moment, in an echo of my gesture.
Then something changed in his face. He put his hand down, turned, and walked away.
Fool that I was, I waited for a few minutes to see if he was going to come down. But there was also a part of me – the truth-telling part – that had turned as cold as the night air. There had been something in the way he had turned away that reminded me of what Roshni had said. Completely withdrawn. Frozen.
I took myself back to the cottage, and put a few more possessions in my boxes.