Chapter 33
Chapter thirty-three
Ticking
Cheyenne
Every second was a constant battle between my heart and mind. The conflict in me so intense it hurt to breathe. To think.
Maverick’s words rattled through my head and echoed in my heart. He was willing to do all of that for me. But why? There was being kind, there was being caring, and then there was this.
He’d make an excellent husband. A phenomenal father. A part of me—a large part— wanted to take him up on his offer. Raising the baby as his, marrying him, all of it.
I may not be in love with him yet, but God, everything he did seemed to lead me in that direction. I cared for him. Deeply. Deeply enough that it scared me. I was falling. Faster than I ever had before.
But going along with Maverick's plan meant settling down. I was twenty-five. I didn’t want to settle down.
Not yet. I had so many places I still wanted to go.
Things I wanted to see. Maverick didn’t seem like the spontaneous, adventurous type.
He was the same routine every single day for the rest of his life kind of guy.
And I liked that about him, but would I like it after a few months? A few years?
I couldn’t keep this baby, raise it with him, and then what…leave when I got bored of being in the same place for too long? That wouldn’t be fair to any of us.
And it made me no better than my piece of shit mother.
Getting rid of this baby…it would destroy me—it was destroying me, but it would be better this way.
It has to.
Maverick pulled into the clinic parking lot and put the truck in park in one of the spots near the entrance. He turned to regard me. Those jade eyes swirling with emotion. “Want me to come with you?”
I bit back tears and shook my head. As much as I didn’t want to be alone right now, I didn’t want him to be there with me for that either. It was bad enough I had to go through it. I didn’t want him to see that.
I faked a smile through my tears and grabbed for the door.
He stopped me with a hand on my arm. I turned, and he cupped my face in his familiar, calloused hands. “Hey. I want you to know I don’t think anything different of you. I’m always gonna be here for you.”
His words broke me, shattering the guard I had around my heart like glass. He may not think differently of me, but I already did.
I already hated myself for the decision I was making.
It’s crazy how you always speculate what you’d do in a situation, but then when that situation actually happens, you find you were completely and totally wrong.
I would hate myself for this for the rest of my life, and yet, I couldn’t manage to stop myself from sliding out of Maverick’s grip and opening the door.
I didn’t look back at him as I grabbed my purse.
As I shut the door. As I placed one foot in front of the other and forced myself toward the clinic.
My heart thundered in my chest, tears falling so steadily I couldn’t even see. I was like a living, raging storm of emotion.
It’s almost over.
But was it? This was just the beginning. Getting rid of the baby was only one of the steps. What lasting trauma would this cause me?
I’d been irresponsible and now was faced with the consequence of my actions, and instead of bucking up and dealing with those consequences, I was backing out. Giving up. Daddy would be so disappointed.
I hadn’t called him and told him. Same reason I didn’t want anyone else knowing.
I was embarrassed. Scared. Scared to know what he thought of me.
He’d stayed with my mama even after all the shit she’d done.
He’d fought for her until the last night she left.
And instead of letting his life go to shambles, he’d stayed. He’d showed up…for me.
Nausea washed through me, making my throat clench on instinct. Oh, dear Lord, please don’t let me be sick.
My breaths sawed in and out of my lungs, yet somehow, I still couldn’t breathe.
Was I really doing this?
I have to.
I placed a hand on the door handle, peered through the foggy glass at the empty waiting room. I wiped at my tears with my free hand, steeling myself for what was to come next when the strangest thought overwhelmed me. It was like getting slammed by a wave in a storm.
An image of me looking down at my stomach. Of a rough, calloused hand pressed to it. An image of Maverick holding a little blanketed bundle, rocking it and showing it the horses. And then the ghost of a song drifting on the wind of “You Are My Sunshine”.
My breath left me in a whoosh, some new emotion swelling and bursting to life in my chest.
I dropped my hand from the door handle, turned on my heel, and made my way back to the truck. Sliding into the passenger seat, I shut the door behind me and whispered, “Drive.”
Maverick didn’t speak as he nodded and backed up, but he didn’t need to. The warmth in his gaze, the welcome feel of his touch as he pulled me across the seat to sit in the middle one said it all.
And as I curled up beside him, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, I focused on that new emotion in my chest…
Hope.
By some miracle, I was able to get a same day appointment with an OBGYN, so after a couple hours of hanging out in San Antonio, Maverick and I pulled into the parking lot. He left the car idling, making no attempt to get out as I grabbed my purse.
“Will you come with me?” I asked, placing a hand on his arm still gripped on the steering wheel.
A look of disbelief flickered in his gaze as he met mine. “You want me to?” His deep voice was thick with emotion.
Of course, I wanted him to go. He was my…well, we hadn’t really figured that out yet. But I cared about him, and I wanted him there with me.
I nodded. “I do.”
He turned the car off, pocketing his keys, and grabbed his hat off the dash before placing it on his head. Taking a deep breath, he nodded. “Okay. Let’s go.”
Idon’t think I’d ever felt so nervous in my life.
Who knew that sitting in a room full of pregnant women and mothers could be so intimidating.
Maverick sat beside me, his hand resting on my leg that wouldn’t seem to stop shaking, his light gaze scanning the room as we waited for them to call my name.
“This your first?”
I glanced to my left, acknowledging the pregnant woman who’d just spoken. She looked to be around my age, with a little toddler sitting beside her, playing with some toy. He couldn’t be any older than two, and by the looks of it, she was ready to pop at any minute.
Two under two… Just the idea was terrifying. I couldn’t imagine one, let alone another that close in age.
“I’m sorry, what?”
She smiled and nodded at the two of us. “Is this your first baby?”
I frowned. Was it that obvious? Also, who just asked that? She laughed before I could manage an answer. “Sorry, y’all just look like I felt the first time around.”
“Oh.” I blew out a breath, glancing at Maverick. He wore a guarded expression, so I couldn’t really tell what he was thinking or feeling. But he was touching me again, so there was that comfort. I met the woman’s stare once more. “Yeah. I’m pretty terrified, to be honest.”
She offered a sympathetic smile. “It’s gonna be okay. I ain’t gonna lie and say it’s a cakewalk, but—” She glanced down at her little boy, her smile pulling wider. I wondered if she realized one of her hands drifted to her stomach as she spoke. “It’s worth it.”
I returned her smile, looking to Maverick for…I don’t know what. Reassurance. Comfort. His grip tightened on my leg gently before releasing the pressure.
“Cheyenne Harris?”
Relief and terror vied for dominance in my stomach at hearing my name.
I shot up out of my seat, so quickly that a wave of dizziness settled over me for a moment, making me sway on my feet.
Maverick’s hands were there to steady me.
I turned to regard him. He sat on the edge of his seat, watching, waiting, but not moving. Not until he got the go ahead.
I looked between him and the nurse. “Can he come too?”
“Of course,” the nurse said brightly.
After getting settled into a room, giving a urine sample, and given a paper blanket with instructions to undress from the waist down and cover myself, I sat on the exam table, Maverick beside me in a small chair.
He was so tall that it looked like it fit a kid and not an adult.
If I wasn’t worried that I’d throw up from nerves the moment I opened my mouth, I might have made fun of him.
As it was, I just watched the clock in silence, every tick of it deafening in the quiet room.
A knock came on the door a moment later, followed by a woman in a white doctor’s coat. She looked more like a middle-aged rodeo queen and less like a doctor, in my opinion. With her Farah Faucet waves, picture-perfect smile, and western garb on beneath the coat.
“Well, hello, y’all. Looks like we’re havin’ a baby,” she said cheerily, as if she was announcing the finalists for a short go and not confirming my pregnancy.
And while it could easily come off as disingenuous, I could tell she really loved what she did.
That joy and lightness was a bit infectious, easing some of the fear knotted in my chest. “Pregnancy test came back positive, so congratulations! Now, let’s figure out how far along you are, Miss Cheyenne. ”
After explaining the timeline to her, she urged me to lay down and grabbed out the portable ultrasound resting in the corner. My heart beat louder than a damn jackhammer as I pulled my shirt up enough to expose my stomach and she squirted the cold ultrasound jelly onto my torso.
“Alright, now let’s see just how far along this baby’s measurin’.” She glanced between Maverick and I. “Y’all excited?”
We met each other’s gazes. I still couldn’t read him. His face was a mask of calm, his eyes giving nothing away. I hated that I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking right now. Now when it had become so easy.
I offered him a soft smile and reached for his hand and murmured, “As I’ll ever be.”
His answering squeeze eased more of the fear in my chest.
The doctor shifted the little handheld device attached to the machine and pressed some buttons on the keypad.
She spouted off something as she roved the thing over my stomach, but honestly, I didn’t comprehend anything, not as I watched the dark screen, trying and failing to understand what I was seeing.
“And there it is.” The doctor pointed with her free hand at a little blob on the screen. It sure as hell didn’t look like a baby, but there it was, I guess.
My heart constricted, a loud roar dulling all the sound in the room.
“Chey?” A deep, familiar voice cut through the blood rushing through my ears.
I let out a shaky breath, my gaze darting to him. “Huh?”
He nodded at the doctor. “She asked if you wanted to hear the heartbeat.”
“Oh…” I chewed my lip, my body trembling with… Fear? Excitement? Both? I met the doctor’s light brown gaze. “Um…sure.”
She smiled, pressed a couple more buttons, and then…
Beneath the white noise of the ultrasound machine was this thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.
My free hand came to my mouth, a breathless gasp falling from my lips. Tears blurred my vision. “Oh…oh my God.”
That was a heartbeat. My baby’s heartbeat.
How could I have even thought of getting rid of that? I turned my watery gaze to Maverick. Emotion shone in his eyes and was drawn plainly on his face. Awe and excitement and wonder…and love.
There was no doubt about it. Love blazed in his light stare. And when he met my gaze, unshed tears of his own lining his eyes, that love was aimed at me too.