Chapter Eighteen
Zadie
Laughter and music hit me the second I walked through the front door. Chantel and Caleb were just around the corner in the living room, and from the sound of it, having the time of their lives.
I hesitated, my hand still on the doorknob.
This was my home. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself. But the thought of facing Caleb after everything that had happened made my chest tight and my feet heavy.
The way he’d walked out still burned. He’d kissed me until I couldn’t breathe, and then I’d told him I was pregnant, and he’d left. No argument. No discussion. Just the front door closing and silence that had swallowed me whole.
The toilet bowl and I had become very well acquainted after that.
He’d been a ghost for days. Coming and going when I wasn’t around, his door closed when I was. We lived twelve feet apart, but I didn’t see his face for a week.
When he’d finally resurfaced, he’d done it at the Halloween party. With another girl pressed to his side. Like our kiss had meant nothing. Like I was nothing.
Never mind. I wasn’t going to let him ruin this.
I’d been wearing an unstoppable smile for the last few hours. The kind that made strangers smile back. Not pregnancy glow, exactly. Something better.
The envelope was folded neatly in my jacket pocket. Everything negative. Everything clear. Black and white confirmation that my terrible choices hadn’t hurt the tiny creature growing inside me.
My baby was safe. That put me over the moon.
I held onto that feeling as I stepped into the living room and found the furniture shoved against the walls.
Chantel and Caleb were in the center of the room—a skateboard under Chantel’s feet.
Her eyes were squeezed shut as she wobbled on the board, her hands clamped around Caleb’s forearm like he was the only thing keeping her upright.
He probably was.
“Just breathe,” he said, his voice a low rumble that hit me deep. “You’ve got to relax, or you really will fall.”
“Merde, how do you do this? You jump around on this thing and do all those crazy tricks. You make it look so easy.” Chantel’s laugh had a panicked edge to it.
I stood at the edge of the room, watching them together— my best friend and the man I had no claim to but wanted anyway. It stirred something I wasn’t ready to examine.
“You here for a lesson too?” Caleb’s eyes lifted to mine.
My stomach flipped. He was looking at me the way he always did. Like I was the only thing in the room worth seeing. Like Halloween hadn’t happened.
Like he hadn’t walked out.
“Wha—” Chantel looked up too fast.
The board shot out from under her, launched across the hardwood, and cracked against the top of my skull before I could do anything but curl inward and cover my stomach.
“Zadie.” Caleb was already beside me, his hands running over my shoulder, my face, my head. “Shit. Are you okay?”
My skull throbbed, but all I could focus on was him touching me. The dilemma of wanting him closer and knowing I should pull away.
Because I never wanted him to stop. Not ever.
“Let me look.” Chantel shouldered him aside in full doctor mode, and I nearly cried at the loss of his hands. Or maybe it was from her fingers pressing into the knot already swelling on my scalp. “How’s your vision?”
“It’s fine. I’m fine.” I tried to wave her off.
“Are you sure?” Her eyes traveled down my body, lingering for a beat on my midsection before snapping back up.
“Yes, Chantel. Everything is fine.”
“I’m banning you from skateboarding.” Caleb pointed at Chantel. “Anything on wheels. You’re a menace.”
“Oh, fuck off. I can’t help it if you’re a lousy teacher.”
I sighed. “Maybe don’t skateboard in the house?”
Caleb’s mouth twitched. Without a word, he hopped on the board, and with a quick push and a kick, launched it into the air. It spun and flipped beneath him before landing smoothly on the hardwood. He landed on top of it without a sound.
“Still a fucking show-off,” Chantel muttered.
“You make it look so easy,” I whispered. “How do you do that?”
“I worked at it.” He stepped off the board, and his eyes locked on mine. “It’s easy now, but it wasn’t always. Took a lot of time. But some things are worth the effort. Even when you have to go slow.”
Heat crawled up my face.
“I need to get ready for work.” Chantel stepped between us, breaking the moment. “Zadie, you’re obviously fine. Why don’t you two go hang out like the degenerates you are?”
Caleb raised an eyebrow at me. “What do you say? Could be fun.”
I could picture it. The park, me bundled in a sweater, watching him carve across the ramps with that effortless grace. Maybe he’d convince me to try, just so he’d have an excuse to put his hands on my hips and hold me steady.
The look in his eyes said his fantasy wasn’t far from mine.
But fun wasn’t in the cards. Not with the hurt still lodged in my chest and the goose egg swelling on my skull.
“I can’t.” I tore my gaze away from him. “Chantel, can I talk to you for a minute?”
“If you don’t mind talking through the shower. I’m running late.”
I headed for the stairs without looking at him. Part of me hoped the rejection stung. The rest of me couldn’t bear the thought that it did.
Her loft was as pristine as always. Bed made, white duvet smooth, everything in its place. A magazine-spread oasis above the chaos of the rest of her life. She started stripping as she walked toward the bathroom, leaving a trail of clothes like breadcrumbs.
“So?” she called from behind the shower curtain, the water already running.
“So?” I stared at the ceiling, giving her privacy she clearly didn’t feel the need for.
“Cocotte, you wanted to talk. So, talk.”
“I got my test results back. Everything came back negative.”
“That’s good news.” Her reply was clipped. Almost cold. Chantel could be blunt on her best day, but this was something else.
“I was worried. I mean, I’m still worried, but at least the baby’s not—”
“Crisse d’ostie, Zadie.” Her voice bounced off the tiles. “When are you going to stop hiding from everything?”
“What?”
The water cut off. The curtain whipped open. Chantel stood there, dripping, glaring at me with one hand on her hip and zero regard for the fact that she was completely naked.
“You.” She pointed at me. “Need to stop hiding. Call Sean. Tell him about the baby. Then tell Caleb how you feel and let him decide for himself. He’s not a child, Zadie. He can handle the truth.”
“Can you please put on some clothes?”
She ignored me. Stepped out of the shower, grabbed a towel, and walked past me to her dresser. “I’ve got to go. I don’t have time for this.”
“Why are you so angry with me? I’m planning to call Sean. I just need to work up to it. He’s not exactly someone I’m eager to talk to.”
“Well, you didn’t seem to have a problem with him when you were fucking him.” The dresser drawer slammed shut, punctuating every word. “That’s how babies are made, after all.”
The air left my lungs.
Chantel and I had fought about everything. Whether the paint on the wall was eggshell or cream. Whether Degrassi: The Next Generation was better than the original. But never, in all our years of bickering, had she spoken to me like this.
Even with her blunt, tell-it-how-it-is approach to life, she’d never been this cruel.
Heat radiated from my cheeks. The knot on my head throbbed in time with my heartbeat. Tears threatened to spill.
“Listen, I still love you.” She pulled a shirt over her head and turned to face me. “But I can’t keep watching you drown in your own fear. You know what you want. Why are you letting it hold you back? Just dive in. You know how to swim, and you know I’ll be holding the life jacket.”
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
“I know, cocotte. I know.” Her chest heaved and her eyes went glassy. “I’m scared too. Every single day. Every time I walk into that emergency room, I’m terrified someone will figure out I don’t belong there. Or that a case will be too complicated and I’ll lose someone.”
She blinked hard, shaking her head. “Never mind. I’m projecting. This isn’t about me. You’ll be fine. I’m here. But other people want to be here for you too, and you need to let them in. You can’t stay closed off forever.”
I wanted to believe her. I wanted to trust that she was right. But Sean wasn’t reliable. Caleb had already walked away. And the only person who’d never left me was standing in front of me, half-dressed and furious, looking like she was carrying her own secrets that were eating her alive.
“I really have to go.” She pulled on her pants and headed for the stairs. “Please, just think about it.”
“Okay,” I called after her, but she was already gone. The front door opened and closed before I could form another word.
I stood alone in her loft, the silence pressing in from every direction.
When had I stopped telling my best friend everything? She didn't even know I'd already told Caleb about the baby.