Chapter 37
BLAKE
Every inch of my body is numb, and it’s not from the freezing temperature tonight. I can’t feel or hear a thing. My consciousness is too full, flashing between the past and the present.
Problem. Burden. Whore.
After Mama said her piece, I ran. I don’t even remember consciously making the choice. All I remember is thinking, “I need to leave. I can’t be here.” I didn’t realize where I was until the cold metal of the bridge railing was biting into my palms.
I know my overprotective men aren’t going to be happy about it, but there isn’t much I can do about that now.
The heels of my boots are the only thing keeping me from falling into the raging Snake River below.
The moonlight shines across the rippling water, crafting a shattered reflection of its source. The water, painted the deepest blue, surges downstream, devouring everything in its path.
A little manipulative bitch.
My shoulders droop, resignation and denigration etching their way across my body and filling every limb.
I didn’t plan this, but now that I’m here, I’m wondering if this is always where I was going to end up.
Maybe the reason I never wanted to come back to Evergreen Falls wasn’t that I didn’t want to be reminded of what Daddy did or remember Walker’s rejection.
Maybe the reason was that I knew I’d end up right where I am now, thinking over if I should jump—just like Daddy did.
Landon was so disgusted with himself.
“Blake!”
The call of my name is so faint that I believe it’s coming from inside my head.
“Butterfly.”
“Mi Cielo.”
“Baby Girl.”
Blinking, my head pivots to the left.
They’re here. All of them.
Levi’s knuckles are white from the grip he has on Santiago’s arm—to hold him back or for Levi’s comfort, I’m not sure. Walker stands slightly in front of them, his hands up and palms facing me as if he’s begging for mercy. A quick glance in each of their eyes shows me their pain, their fear.
“Baby Girl, what are you doing?” Walker’s voice shakes.
My attention returns to the water as I ask, “Do y’all ever think things would be easier if you just stopped existing?”
“I won’t lie to you, Blake.” Walker takes a deep breath. “It’s crossed my mind a few times in my life.”
“Once when I was fourteen,” Levi answers.
Santiago clears his throat, but his response still comes out shaky. “After my mother died.”
“Thank you for being honest,” I return.
“Blake, how about we all take a step back together and talk about what’s on your mind?” Walker suggests.
I don’t answer. I can’t answer.
Instead, I voice some of my thoughts and sniffle. “You know Daddy wanted a boy, right? That’s why he named me Blake.”
“Yeah, we know, mi Cielo.” Santiago sounds pained.
Tears line my lashes as I turn to him and ask in earnest, “Do you think that’s why he wanted a boy? Because he knew what he would do?”
“Blake—” Santiago starts.
The river slams into the rocks not twenty feet down from where I stand on the ledge. “Is this how he did it, you think? Is this where he went?”
“No, Baby Girl. It’s not.” Walker’s answer holds a well of sadness and remorse.
Does he miss his friend?
“I know you all figured it out. Mama was clear about what Daddy did.”
For the first time in my life, my truth is out there, lingering in the frost-bitten air.
The release causes my heart to race as I wait to see where it lands and how they react.
It’s only a split second, but it feels like an eternity.
I’ve feared this moment since the first time Daddy came into my room at night.
She forced him.
“We know,” Levi confirms.
My heart stills.
“We’ve always known,” he clarifies further.
Shaking my head, I struggle to digest their truth. As I turn my head toward them, I’m met with grief and sorrow. “How?”
“Do you remember that night—the night Landon died?” Walker asks, sympathy colors his face.
Furrowing my brows, I nod. “You all were yelling with Daddy outside, then it got quiet, and you came into my room.”
Walker tilts his head. “Do you remember us coming in your room before the yelling?”
Focusing on a spec of dirt on top of the snow at Walker’s feet, I search for the recollection. “There are some holes in memory. I’ve always chalked that up to trauma.”
“That’s perfectly normal,” Levi assures me.
My eyes remain on the dirt as they take turns reminding me of what my brain is blocking out.
“The three of us came over to watch the big NBA game, LA Lightning versus San Francisco Knights.”
I remember Daddy loved watching the Lightning. His schedule revolved around the Lightning’s games.
“The front door was always unlocked, so we went right in.”
Yes. That changed when Mama and I moved to Riverbend Trailer Park.
“We knew Loretta had already left for her shift.”
That adds up.
“We went down the hall looking for Landon when we didn’t find him in the living room with the pregame show on.”
Make sense.
“He wasn’t in his bedroom.”
Because he was in mine.
“We heard a noise and opened your door.”
My body goes rigid, and my pulse quickens in my throat. I can see the glow-in-the-dark stars on my bedroom ceiling. They’re so clear, so bright.
“Shit!” Daddy curses as I feel him jump to his feet, rattling my bed.
He’s not supposed to do that. Mama always tells him he can’t swear in front of me.
I’m lying on my bed, flat on my back exactly how he tells me to. When he comes in here, I look up at the stars Mama put on my ceiling and find shapes like I’m making my own constellations. I even started giving them names.
Elanor the elephant.
Millie the monkey.
Hailey the hippo.
“Shit, shit, shit,” Daddy curses again as his belt buckle clinks.
I recognize the sound.
“Lan?” I hear someone ask as my doorknob turns.
Who is that?
I turn my head toward the door and find Daddy’s friends there. Levi, Santiago, and Walker.
Mama says I’ve known them since I was a baby. They’re really nice. But why are they in my room?
One of them flips the light switch, and I squint from the brightness.
Santiago runs in, grabbing Daddy by his shirt, and throws him up against my dresser. I sit up in my bed and yelp.
Why did Santi do that?
Levi moves into my room and stands next to Santiago. “What the fuck, Landon?” His mouth barely moves because he’s gritting his teeth so hard.
“This isn’t what it looks like, guys.” Daddy’s voice shakes. I’ve never heard him sound like that before.
Santiago grabs the collar of Daddy’s shirt and holds him up. “Oh yeah? Because it looks like you’re standing in your daughter’s room with your pants unzipped and the lights off.”
“That’s enough,” Walker shouts. He’s still standing by the door. “Take him outside.”
“Oh, my God.” My breath saws in and out of my lungs, the cold creating an uncomfortable burn, but I can’t slow my heartbeat.
Did they…?
“Blake?” Footsteps pad closer.
Three pairs of hands grip my torso and each of my arms, and I’m hauled backward over the railing.
“Let me go!” I shout, thrashing.
I’m set on my feet, but I can’t run because I’m being held against a solid chest.
Peppermint.
Walker.
He spins me in his arms as two more bodies crowd me, trapping me between the three of them. My fists fly, pounding against his chest even though he’s not the one I’m angry with. Walker just stands there, taking the brunt of my self-loathing.
“Let me go,” I shout again.
“No,” Walker firmly rejects.
“Yes!”
His hands wrap around my wrists, ceasing my onslaught. “Never, Baby Girl.”
My chest heaves from my exertion. “What did you do to him?”
Walker’s face is grave.
“Did you kill him?” I spin, looking them each in the face.
“Yes.” Walker’s tone is gruff behind me.
My shoulders shake as I bow my head. The crushing weight on my chest is too much. I can’t carry it anymore. The tears that have been swimming in my eyes finally fall down my cheeks. It takes me second before I realize the wailing I hear is coming from me.
I did this. Me.
I made them kill someone. I made them kill Daddy.
“We couldn’t ignore what we saw. We couldn’t just leave you there with him.”
Whirling on him, I lash out, pointing my finger in his face as I raise my volume. “I didn’t need you to save me! I didn’t need it then, and I don’t need it now!”
Walker crosses his arms, keeping his tone lethal but even. “You were seven years old.”
I throw my arms up. “I would have figured it out!”
Levi scoffs, prompting me to turn on him next as he patronizes, “Seven years old versus a full-grown man.”
“Not even a gambling addict would take those odds,” Santiago adds condescendingly.
I level a glare toward him. “You guys didn’t have to step in.”
The abuse would’ve continued, but I would have survived, and their hands wouldn’t be stained with Daddy’s blood because of me.
“Stop it,” Walker barks.
I spin in another circle, feeling their presence even closer. It’s as if the walls are closing in on me, but the walls are three grown men to whom I owe everything.
“You killed him,” I state.
Walker drops his arms, leaning toward me. “And we’d do it again. Landon was a monster, a sick, depraved monster. He was molesting you, his daughter. No man deserves to take another breath after hurting a child like that.”
I don’t deserve this.
Their devotion. Their care.
My head tilts to the side. “Is this what you were talking about last week? The reason for ‘you don’t know everything about me’?”
Walker clenches his jaw, like he’s not going to give me an answer, just like the other day. I don’t grasp how much I need his response until he lets out an unshakable, “Yes.”
He thought I’d reject him for this? He’s the one who has to live with killing his best friend. He risked everything. They risked everything. I’m the one who was rescued.
Nausea turns in my stomach, and a sob escapes my throat.
“Mi Cielo,” Santiago vocalizes, guiding me to face him. “You need to know that we don’t have any regrets.”
“But it’s because of me.” My voice cracks with emotion. “I made you do it.”
Levi places his hand on my cheek, urging my attention to him. “We all made a choice that night, Butterfly. We knew what we were doing.”
“Todos tomamos decisiones y tenemos que vivir con ellas,” Santiago adds. “Landon made his choice. We made ours. Now it’s your turn.” We all make choices and have to live with them.
Their words land on my heart and reverberate in my head, creating a stillness. The voice telling me that I’m the one who has to carry around the guilt and shame quiets.
The truth settles inside me.
I’m not responsible for the actions and feelings of another person.
What does that mean for me? Can I accept that? How do I move on from here?
“So what’s it going to be?” Walker questions.
One small step at a time, I face him. “What?”
He nods his head, indicating the bridge. “Are we going to move aside so you can jump, or are you coming home with us?”
My chest contracts.
I know my answer. It floats to me like a gentle breeze, easy and simple.
“I’m coming with you.”
Levi blows out a breath, wrapping his arms around my shoulders from the side, and buries his face in my hair.
“Gracias a Dios,” Santiago shouts to the sky, then emulates Levi’s position. Thank God.
Walker cups my face, his touch tender on my skin. “Good. I wouldn’t have let you go no matter what.”
He dips his head and catches my lips with his own, immersing me in a fervent kiss. My hands grip his clothes and pull him closer.
This. This right here is what I’m choosing.
Levi Harding, Santiago Ramirez, and Walker Maddox.
My choice is them.