Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
CIDNEY
George drives me home. It should be an uncomfortable drive, but it’s not. In fact, everything with George has felt oddly comfortable and calm. It’s almost a little too easy. It feels like we’re friends who fucked. And it’s then that I realize that’s what we are.
Friends who fuck.
There’s no burning heat between us, no palpable energy that draws us to each other, and maybe that’s what I need, what he needs, too. It feels calming and comfortable, like homemade chicken noodle soup and a fluffy blanket.
George may not make me feel sexy and dangerous. He may not make my body sing. But he won’t break my heart, either. I mean, it’s for the best, really. Having a great love affair has done nothing but hurt every ounce of me.
“Work Monday morning?” George asks as he pulls up in front of my building.
Turning my head, I give him a smile and dip my chin in a single nod. “I’ll be there, Dr. Edwards.”
That earns me a small smile. He reaches out, wrapping his fingers around my wrist before he squeezes me gently.
“This feels good, easy,” he says, his voice warm, like a cozy hug.
“It does,” I whisper.
He squeezes my wrist once, then releases it.
He doesn’t walk me to my door. We’re not there yet.
We may never be, and I would be fine with it.
I don’t know what we are, but whatever it is, it’s comfortable and safe.
It’s like homemade buttercream icing on a white cake.
A little plain and boring, but still good and can still be satisfying.
Walking into my apartment, I close the door behind me and lock it. Spinning around slowly, I close my eyes and inhale. I can still smell Goose here, but his scent has faded. I shouldn’t be thinking about him, not when I’ve just slept with another man.
But I don’t think I’ll ever not think about Goose a little bit. He’s the first person I ever fell in love with. It was so short-lived, and I shouldn’t care as much as I do, but I hoped, and I thought that he was my future.
I gave my heart and soul to him. I allowed myself to think that I could have it all. I walk over to the balcony door, but don’t go outside, but I do look out at the ground below me. I’m staring out at nothingness. Trying not to think about how fucked up everything is.
I’m trying not to think about how I probably made everything even more fucked up by going home with George last night and then agreeing to be friends with benefits with him this morning.
Not to mention, the man is my boss. I try not to think about any of that, but fail when my phone buzzes in my hand.
Looking down at my screen, I wince at the name flashing across it. It’s Lainey. Sliding my thumb across, I bring the phone to my ear and greet her as normally as possible.
“Oh my god,” she exhales. I open my mouth to reply, but she continues speaking, so I snap my lips closed. “I’m so sorry, but I was worried, and I told Piggy everything.”
Well, that means that Goose knows now, because those guys talk more than anyone else I’ve ever known. Justin would come in Monday morning with gossip about everyone and everything that happened over the weekend, even things I didn’t know or care about.
“Don’t worry about it,” I say.
I don’t add that it doesn’t matter, because it really doesn’t. He packed his things, walked away without a single word, and I don’t think I’ll ever see him again at this point. If he wanted to keep me, he would have. He has no staying power.
“I was worried, and I don’t know… I just started talking, and out it came.”
“It’s okay,” I say again. “George is really great, and he’s going to be my boss.”
There is a moment of silence, and then I hear her speak again. “Cidney,” she hisses. “What about Goose? I thought you loved him?”
My eyes slide closed as I think about that. About how I am in love with him. I know George is a mistake. It will probably crash and burn at some point, but he’s someone who seems to be going through the same thing as me. So if we can take comfort in one another, what’s the issue?
“I do love him, but he walked away from me without respecting me enough to tell me.”
And that is the cold, hard truth. She knows it too, because she doesn’t say anything else. The silence hangs thick around us, and I know she’s got something she wants to say, needs to say, but she’s holding back.
“Just say it, Lainey,” I demand softly.
There is judgment coming, and I brace myself, but I know it’s nothing I’m not already thinking about myself. Holding my breath, I wait for her words to slam into me. I wait for the emotion to consume me, but it doesn’t happen.
Instead, she starts to speak. “I get that. And honestly, George Edwards is probably one of the most eligible bachelors and nicest men in town,” she murmurs. “But he’s been through it.”
“I know,” I say. “Well, I don’t know, but he mentioned it. This isn’t love, what’s happening between him and me.”
“So you’re two brokenhearted people taking solace in one another.”
Her words aren’t a question, rather a statement. She’s right. I am without a doubt brokenhearted, and so is George. I don’t know his story, but I’m sure he’ll tell me one day, probably over a boatload of drinks.
“Essentially,” I say.
“Then I support whatever is happening between you.”
I know I don’t need her permission. I’m twenty-one years old, and I can do whatever the fuck I want. But it feels nice that she is also saying that she supports me in my decisions.
My crazy, emotion-filled decisions.
GOOSE
Before I leave town, I watch her apartment. I need to see her one last time, even if it’s from afar, but as I stare at the window to her place, I realize that it doesn’t matter. None of it fucking matters anymore.
Seeing her will just make me want to stay, and clearly, she’s feeling some kind of way, whether it’s getting over me by getting under someone else, or what. I’m not sure, but it doesn’t matter. I walked away from her without a word, and that negates all my rights to know who or what she’s doing.
I’m going to walk away just like Ivy wants, and I don’t ever plan on seeing her again. Even though my soul fucking aches for her. Even though I feel like my body and mind are breaking into a million pieces. Even though I know there will never be anyone else.
I fell in love with Cidney Whitaker.
I fell in love with the woman who was made just for me.
I found something that not everyone gets to find. I found that piece of my soul that I didn’t know was missing, the piece that made me feel whole. I found happiness, and even if I only had it for a few minutes, weeks, hours, or days, it doesn’t matter because it wasn’t meant for me to keep.
I straddle my bike and take off. Riding through town, I lift my hand and wave at the bakery window as I ride past, then head toward Ivy’s place. I need to have one last conversation with him before I go.
He didn’t give me a chance to speak, to explain to him just how I feel about Cidney.
He was there with only one thing on his mind: to beat the shit out of me, then tell me that she’s not for me, that he would never agree to it or allow it.
He knew his answer, and nothing I said to him was going to change it.
But today isn’t about talking him into anything. This is about explaining myself and then saying my goodbyes. Because what I don’t plan on doing is ever seeing Ivy again, at least not if I can help it.
Parking my bike in his driveway, I walk up to the front door and reach out, touching the doorbell with my index finger.
I can hear movement inside. There are baby noises on the other side of the door.
When the door opens, I’m surprised to see that it’s Posey standing in front of me, a baby in her arms.
“I figured you might come by here. Are you doing okay?”
It’s sweet that she gives a shit. And I can tell by the way she’s watching me, the expression on her face, that she does. I could tell her the truth and upset her, but I decide against it. There’s no sense in her feeling like shit when none of this is remotely close to her fault.
“He’s in his office. He knows you’re here,” she murmurs.
She steps to the side, and instead of just walking past her and ignoring her, I take a few steps inside and then stop, turning to face her slightly. She tilts her head back, her eyes finding mine.
“It’s all good, Posey.”
I try to reassure her that I’m fine. I don’t think she believes me or buys even an ounce of it, but she is kind enough not to call me on it. I move through the house. She doesn’t have to show me where Ivy’s office is located. I’ve been here a few times.
But when I arrive in front of the door, it’s closed. I stare at the wooden panel, wondering if I’m just wasting my time. And then I decide that even if I am, it doesn’t matter, because this isn’t for him. This is for me. I need this done before I get on my bike and ride the fuck out of town.
I make a fist and knock on the door. Ivy’s voice gruffly calls for me to come inside. Wrapping my fingers around the knob, I twist it slowly before I push the door open and move into the room. He is sitting behind his desk, his gaze lifting to meet mine.
I couldn’t even begin to describe the expression he’s wearing, but I don’t care too much, either.
Jerking my chin upward slightly, I look down my nose at him.
He stays quiet and still, hiding behind his desk.
Ivy is a pretty solid dude. I doubt he’s fucking scared of me, but seeing him now, I can’t help but wonder if he’s concerned that I’m here to finish what he started.
I’m not.
“Wanted to let you know that I’m leaving.”
He doesn’t respond to me immediately. His gaze searches my own, then he places his palms on his desk. “You’re leaving?” he asks.
“I’m going nomad. Leaving today. And I don’t plan on coming back.”
I’m met with more silence.
“You’re leaving and not coming back,” he repeats my words. “What the fuck for?”
I almost laugh. Because this motherfucker is being serious right now.
Instead of saying that, I tilt my head to the side and realize he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong with this at all.
He is without a doubt sleeping peacefully at night, not giving a fuck that I lost the love of my life, and he’s the only person who can fix that.
“Nothing for me here,” I say, taking a step backward.
He pushes up to standing, his gaze focused on mine from across the room. I watch as he closes his eyes, shaking his head once before he reopens them. I still can’t read his expression, but he is very clearly serious about this moment, and I am very much ready to leave.
“We’re your brothers,” he says. “I’ve known you my whole life.”
“And yet, you won’t let me love your cousin.”
The blow is real, it hits hard, and it’s fast. But I don’t give much of a fuck.
“Goose, it wasn’t personal. I just don’t want this life for her.”
“You mean the life I have?” Posey calls out from behind me.
My eyes widen as I turn around to see her standing behind me.
She’s no longer holding a baby, but her gaze is narrowed on her husband’s, and I wonder if I should leave the room, because the tension is so goddamn thick that you could cut it with a fucking knife.
But she’s blocking the doorway, and I couldn’t get past her unless I physically moved her. So I stay where I am.
“Posey,” Ivy warns.
My lips curve up in a smirk, and I clear my throat before I speak. I don’t look back at her, though. I keep my focus on him as I speak.
“He doesn’t mean like him, babe. See, he’s different because he’s an attorney with a professional job. I’m just the dirty hands that make him money. He’s better than me, don’t you know?”
With that, I decide that this is fruitless. I said what I needed to say, and that is that. It’s now time for me to get on my fucking way. As I turn to walk out of the office, Posey thankfully moves to the side and allows me to pass without any hesitation.
When I’m past her a few feet, she calls out my name. When I turn my head to look back over my shoulder at her, she gives me a small, sad, single shake of her head before she speaks, her voice coming out softly.
“You are enough, Goose. I promise.”
Jerking my chin, I give her a wink, then walk out of the house. I’m sure I caused some shit there, stirred it up and all that, but I can’t seem to give much of a shit right now. I didn’t get it before, but standing in his office with him, telling me that it was nothing personal, it hit me.
Slammed into me.
It is personal. It is because he doesn’t think I’m good enough, not for her. I’m good enough to help him earn money by doing illegal shit. I’m good enough to be his brother as long as I can do something for him. But I’m not good enough to love Cidney, and my love isn’t good enough for her.
I straddle my bike, my engine roars to life, and I take off without a glance backward. I’m on to a different life, leaving this one behind, along with the hope that I will ever find personal peace or happiness again, and that’s something I’m just going to have to accept.