Chapter 22
It was the first time in years I wasn’t half panicked at being in a doctor”s office. I had Hawk’s last comment to thank for that. I can’t keep you safe if I don’t know.
I didn”t want to talk about why I couldn’t sleep in Heartstone Manor. I didn”t want to think about it. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t a problem at all, that it didn”t matter.
Last night had reminded me that I could pretend all I wanted, but it didn”t change the truth. The adult in me knew I had to face my past if I wanted to grow and mature and all that bullshit.
I didn”t want to face anything. I wanted to stamp my foot and cross my arms over my chest like a child. My problems were my own fucking business. Hawk had no right to demand I tell him things I hadn’t told anyone except Ford. But as I sat at the end of the exam table, gritting my teeth while the doctor probed my ankle, Hawk standing at the door glowering at both of us, I knew he was right. He couldn’t keep me safe if he didn”t know.
I understood Hawk’s logic. I agreed with him.
And still, I didn”t want to fucking talk about it.
I nodded at the doctor as he explained that I”d been mostly correct. My ankle wasn’t broken. I had a grade two sprain. No hiking for at least three weeks. Any other day, finding out I was grounded for three weeks would have been crushing. I wanted to be out there leading clients on hikes through the forest, taking them fishing or rafting. I did not want to sit around with my foot up, missing all the fun. But right now I was too occupied with the upcoming conversation with Hawk to get upset about the length of my recovery.
At least I got a boot to supplement my crutches. Another few days of both, and the doctor said I could mostly ditch the crutches. He gave me some diagrams with exercises he wanted me to do, and I was done. I paid at the front desk and followed Hawk out to his SUV. As he lifted me into the seat, I fought the urge to lean forward, to rest my face against his neck and soak in his strength. Instead I pivoted in my seat, accidentally banging the big plastic boot around my right ankle into the doorframe.
“Careful,” Hawk admonished, leaning in to check my seat belt. He ran a hand up my right leg, sending tingles everywhere.
I wished he’d do it again. So far, he seemed determined to stick to his No Sex rule. I hadn’t thought about it the night before, too messed up by the nightmare I’d had to think about sex. But today… I watched him round the front of the SUV, the sun glinting on his dark hair, and wondered how long it would take until he changed his mind.
It was possible he wouldn’t change his mind. Hawk was nothing if not strong-willed. I knew that. But he wanted me, and more than that, he cared about me. I knew that, too. Thoughts about sex could wait. Everything could wait. First, I had to get through the next twenty minutes and the story Hawk needed me to tell. I wished I could think of a good reason to keep my secrets to myself. I can’t keep you safe if I don’t know.
Fuck.I stared out the window at the parking lot, desperate for a reprieve.
Hawk got in and started the car.
“Are we going to the shelter?” I asked, looking for a diversion. And honestly, I wanted to know. I didn”t want a trained guard dog, but I very much liked the idea of a dog of my own.
Hawk shook his head as he pulled out into traffic. “My friend Remy is bringing down a dog. She”ll be here in a few weeks, already fully trained. He”s coming with her, and he’ll walk us through what we need to know to handle her.”
“I don”t want a trained guard dog,” I said again, imagining some hulking creature with too many teeth who’d growl at me if I stepped out of line. Curiosity got the best of me. “What kind of dog did you say your friend is bringing? A German shepherd?” I didn”t know much about dogs, really, except that I liked them.
“A Belgian Malinois. They’re smart. Energetic. She’ll take some work on your part, making sure she gets enough exercise, but she”ll also be able to keep up with you on the trail.”
“Mmmm,” I hummed to myself, thinking about that. I’d assumed a dog was a dog. It hadn’t occurred to me that some might not like hiking. I could handle an active dog. I liked that he’d picked one that would fit me, fit my life. Still, I was more interested in arguing than the conversation Hawk was waiting for.
I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back into my seat. “I”m not buying a dog when there are so many that need homes.”
“You”re not buying the dog. I bought the dog,” Hawk said, his voice gruff, making me think he hadn’t meant to tell me that part.
I stared at him in shock. I didn”t know how much a fully trained, purebred guard dog cost, but I imagined it was a lot. “You can’t— Why would you— I don”t—” Protests jumbled in my head.
Hawk gave a short shake of his own, never taking his eyes off the road. “It’s too late. She’s yours,” he said.
“I still want to go to the shelter,” I pushed back.
I’ll admit, I was intrigued by this mysterious Belgian Malinois who would hike with me and keep me safe, and further intrigued that Hawk had bought her for me. I wasn’t sure what to do with that information. Though the idea of Hawk’s dog was growing on me, I had this picture in my head of a down-on-his-luck Rottweiler who just needed some love and would growl at anyone who scared me. And who said I couldn’t have two dogs? How much more trouble could two dogs be?
“We’re not going to the shelter,” Hawk said. “You”re stalling.”
I didn”t pretend to misunderstand. Letting out a sigh, I slumped into my seat, bracing my elbow on the car door and resting my cheek against the cold window. It was easier to do this here in the moving car where I didn”t have to look at him, didn”t have to watch his face. I could pretend I was talking to myself.
I drew in a short breath, bracing myself. It was like pulling off a Band-Aid. I’d just do it, and it would be over, and I wouldn’t have to talk about it again. “Look, Ford is the only one who knows about this. I don”t talk about it. It shouldn’t be a big deal.”
Words spilled out of my mouth, tumbling over each other. I could hear the desperation in my voice. I didn’t want any of this to be important. I wanted it to be nothing. I just wanted it to go away.
“It happened a long time ago,” I said, “And it”s over. It”s dumb. The whole thing is dumb. I don”t know why I can’t just get over it and sleep in my room. It”s embarrassing.”
“You”ve never told anyone?” Hawk asked.
“No,” I said, irritated at his interruption. “No. Only Ford. I mean, my father knew. He encouraged it, but?—”
I shook my head, annoyed at myself. I was getting off track and talking in circles, trying desperately to minimize this thing that had been fucking up my life for way too long. I hated everything about it.
“It”s not a big deal,” I said, knowing I was a liar. If it wasn’t a big deal, why couldn’t I sleep in my own bedroom? “It”s just— Okay, so, when I was younger, my father would invite men he did business with to stay at the house. It wasn’t every week, but it wasn’t infrequent either. They would come, they would go. We kids didn”t see them much. Griffen and Ford, sure, but not the rest of us. Then Prentice sent Griffen away?—”
“You were eleven?” Hawk asked.
“Yeah. Eleven. And after Griffen left, Ford and my father were joined at the hip. Ford never disagreed with Prentice. Not back then.”
I fell silent for a moment, thinking about Ford and Prentice. I’d always thought Ford lost himself to my father. He’d hidden his envy of Griffen until it had eaten him alive. Then he’d sold his soul to Prentice to get everything Griffen had: his fiancée, his place in the company, in the family. And in the end, Ford lost everything. I should hate him for what he’d done to Griffen, but Ford had paid. He was still paying. And he’d saved me when I couldn’t save myself. For that alone, he had my love. My loyalty.
“Prentice had this—” I paused, searching for the right word. “Associate. I don”t know what it was between them, but they—” I sat up, stretching my legs out in front of me, staring through the front window at the snow-dipped trees flashing by. “My father always had this idea of using his children to create a Sawyer dynasty. He wanted to make alliances, to choose our future spouses to acquire more wealth, and solidify his power. He loved Parker marrying into the Kingsley family.”
“How did Vanessa fit into that?” Hawk asked.
Vanessa was the woman Griffen had wanted to marry. Prentice hadn’t approved, though he’d allowed Ford to marry her after he’d exiled Griffen. Ford had divorced her, though I’d never been clear if it was because he’d discovered that Vanessa was a viper or because Prentice had pressured him into getting rid of her.
“Prentice used to say Vanessa didn’t bring anything to the table. I think he had other plans for Ford.” I leaned my head back into my seat and mused, “I always thought that Prentice and Hope’s uncle planned to marry Hope off to Ford, but then Prentice died, and Edgar figured out how to hitch her to Griffen.”
“Lucky for both of them,” Hawk said.
I knew what he meant. Hope had loved Griffen since they were children. I’d been a kid, but I’d had eyes. I’d known she loved him. I hadn’t known he loved her back. Now that they were married, it was obvious they were meant for each other. “Yeah,” I agreed. “I like seeing them so happy.”
Hawk paused, and I could tell he had figured out a little of what I was about to tell him. “What was Prentice’s plan for you?” he finally asked.
I appreciated the gentle way he phrased it, but my stomach twisted at his question. I pushed the words out, knowing that the sooner I told Hawk, the sooner it would be over. “One day, my father and this associate came across me and Sterling and Parker having a tea party. Miss Martha helped us set the table in the dining room with the family tea set. Very grown up. We were nibbling little cookies Chef Guérard made for us. Sterling brought her stuffed animals to the table. Just little girls being kids.”
I sighed at the memory. I could still taste the cookies, smell the bergamot in the tea.
“I don”t know why they were there,” I said. “Maybe Prentice was showing off his family. Maybe it was just a coincidence. But Prentice’s friend, he?—”
I couldn’t make my mouth say the words. Nothing fit. He liked me. That was too sweet. He wanted me. Disgusting, considering I was only eleven. I drew in a slow breath through my nose and let it out.
I left it alone, figuring Hawk would get it. A quick glance at his clenched jaw told me he did. “Later, Ford told me the man told Prentice he was going to marry me. Prentice told him he had to wait until I was legal. Ford said they laughed about it, and he thought they were kidding. But the next night, I woke up, and he was there.”
A raw, rough growl rumbled beside me. I jerked in my seat and looked at Hawk again. His hands were tight on the steering wheel, his jaw rock hard, dark eyes blazing with rage.
“No,” I said, knowing what Hawk thought was coming next. “He didn”t, Hawk. He didn”t—” My words caught in my throat, and I swallowed hard. “Not— It wasn’t— He just sat there next to my bed, watching me sleep. I pretended not to see him, and finally, he left.”
“Did you tell anyone?” Hawk ground out, his voice like sharp-edged gravel.
“No,” I admitted.
“Why the fuck not?” Hawk demanded, anguish in his voice.
“I didn”t think anyone would care,” I said with a slow shrug. “I guess I could have talked to Miss Martha. My mother was gone by then and Prentice never bothered to get another nanny. He just kind of folded childcare into Miss Martha’s housekeeping duties. I just thought—better it was me than my sisters, and I didn”t say anything. The next day the man gave me a lollipop, and I threw it in the trash. And the next night he was there again, sitting in the dark, watching me.”
“He didn”t touch you?” Hawk asked, his voice low.
I hated the direct question. Hated the answer. “Not then.”
I paused, drawing in a breath. Heat flooded my face, nausea turning my stomach until I rolled my window down. I hated this. Hated thinking about it. Hated remembering the dark and his pale moon face and soft, pudgy hands. Hands that he”d kept to himself those first few years.
“In the beginning, he just watched me sleep. And he’d give me things. A lollipop. A doll. Then later, there was a bracelet. Earrings. He didn”t visit often. Twice a year, maybe. I, uh— I developed late,” I said, my cheeks flushing, this time from embarrassment. “I looked like a little kid until I was almost fourteen. And then hormones hit and—” I glanced down at myself, my frame still slight and lacking in curves.
Hawk stayed quiet, but his knuckles were white from how hard he was gripping the steering wheel. I hated going back there in my head, hated bringing it all back to life. But here with Hawk, seeing his rage—it blunted the memory. What happened wasn’t dumb, and I wasn’t stupid for struggling with it all these years. The whole thing was fucked and messed up, and I was right to be hurt by it. I had a right to be damaged.
I’d spent years telling myself I was weak for letting it get to me, but Hawk wasn’t weak, and he looked ready to kill someone over the little bit I’d told him. A warm spark came to life in the dark, cold place inside me. There was nothing wrong with me. The wrong was with them. My father and the man in the dark. They were wrong. Not me. It was never me.
“You said not then,” Hawk said, his voice tight. “When and how did he touch you?”
“When hormones hit and my body changed, when I stopped looking like a child, he got more grabby. When he ran into me in the house, he”d touch me. A hand on my lower back or my shoulder. My father would call me into his office, and the man would ask me questions.”
“Give me his name,” Hawk ordered.
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.” It didn’t. There was nothing Hawk could do now. And I didn’t like giving the man a name, as if that made him normal. A person. He didn’t deserve a name. Not from me. To me he wasn’t a person, he was a nightmare.
“Tell me his name.” Hawk’s eyes flashed to me, heavy with demand and fury.
I shook my head again. “Do you want me to finish this or not?”