Chapter 31
“What changed?” she asked.
Because of course Quinn wasn’t going to let me get away with not talking about it.
“Before, you said this couldn’t happen, and now— What changed?”
I didn”t want to talk about it. It was enough for me to make the decision. Talking about it was— I didn”t like the way it made me feel, raw and exposed. I”d spent so long making sure no one could hurt me, no one could make me feel the shit I was running from. But this was Quinn, and I couldn’t deny her what she needed.
If she was going to be in this with me, she had a right to know. “I”m not good enough for you,” I said.
Her eyes narrowed, and a line grooved between her brows. “What do you mean you”re not good enough for me? Is it because I”m a Sawyer?”
“No,” I said. “I mean, yeah, probably that too. But no, not because you”re a Sawyer. Because you’re Quinn. Because you”re goodness and light and beauty. And I”m everything you’re not.”
“That”s bullshit,” she said, her eyes sparking blue fire.
“It”s not bullshit.” I leaned back, looking down at her. “Listen, you think you know who I am. You see me at Heartstone, working with your brother, watching out for your family, and you think you understand who I am. But you don”t know.”
“I know what I need to know,” she shot back. “But fine, tell me who you are.”
I paused, the enormity of what I was about to admit hitting me. Even Griffen didn’t know all the details, just the gist. I reminded myself that this had to be done. Quinn had to know, so she could make her own decision. And if she chose to never speak to me again, if she ran away in terror? Well, that would be what it would be. But we couldn’t go further until she knew the truth.
“When I left the military, when I joined Sinclair Security, I was barely human anymore. I was thinking about ending my life because I couldn’t imagine I deserved to live after the things I”d done.”
Quinn’s fiery eyes softened, her brows still pulled together. This time, I thought, in worry instead of annoyance. “What could you have done that”s so bad?” she asked. “I know you, Hawk?—”
I cut her off. “You don”t.” I shook my head at the hurt in her eyes and searched for the right words. “In some ways,” I said, “you know me better than anyone on this planet.” I took her hand in mine and pressed it back to my chest, over my heart. “You know me here. But you don”t know— You don”t know the things I’ve done, Quinn. I was a stupid fucking kid. I was in the Rangers with your brother and Evers Sinclair. We were young, but we busted our asses, and we made Ranger, and we thought we were the kings of the universe. And then?—”
I hated putting it into words, hated remembering getting that call. My entire life had shattered in an instant. I let it out in a rush.
“And then my mom and dad died in a car accident. I was twenty-three. We were close. They were the best parents. I had a fucking great childhood and then it was all gone. I was an only child. They were only children. There weren’t grandparents or aunts and uncles to step in. It was just the three of us, and then I was alone, and I— I didn”t?—”
I swallowed, hating the prickle of heat in the back of my eyes, hating the hollow pain in my chest when I remembered. Quinn pressed her hand to the side of my neck, squeezing gently, her eyes soft.
“I lost it a little bit,” I said. “No, I lost it a lot. I think I didn”t— I didn”t know what to do. Everything I thought I understood about my life was gone. And then being a Ranger wasn’t enough anymore. I wanted the danger, to feel something, anything. And when I was offered a transfer, I took it. I thought I could lose myself in work I was good at. I thought I could just— I don”t know, at the time, I told myself it was a good career move, that I was building my future. But?—”
“You were running,” she said, and I nodded.
“I was running, and I—” I drew in a slow breath and let it out, trying to sort through everything in my head, trying to figure out how to explain. “I worked with a team. We were off the books. I was still technically army, but not really. There was a lot of gray area. And our CO, our commanding officer?—”
I stopped, searching for words to explain. Quinn waited patiently. I couldn’t look at the compassion in her eyes. I knew she was ready to forgive me anything. I didn”t deserve that. I”d never deserve that. Forgiveness was off the table because some crimes went too far for that.
“I didn”t ask questions. And Quinn, I did things—” My throat tight, I forced myself to say, “I took a lot of lives. Lives that, looking back, I think were innocent. The army trained me well. Hand to hand, explosives, sabotage. I’m not a sniper, but I’m a better than good shot. I learned a lot of ways to kill, and I used them all. I didn”t ask enough questions,” I said again, not knowing how to explain the confusion of that time. “I let myself trust my commanding officer, and it took me way too long to realize my trust was badly placed. And the people who paid for my mistakes—” I shook my head again. “I didn’t pay. Innocent people paid, Quinn. And I— I can’t fix any of that. I can’t take it back. I can’t make it right. I don”t have that power. The things I did were monstrous.”
“Did they feel monstrous when you were doing them?” she asked, and I saw more curiosity in her eyes than condemnation.
I shook my head. “He always had a good explanation. Reasons why, even when things sounded dodgy. There was a school, or it was a residential neighborhood, but there was always a reason why. And I didn”t ask enough questions.”
“I thought you were in the army,” Quinn said, propping herself up on her elbow. “I thought you military types weren’t supposed to ask questions.”
I let out a sigh. “That”s not an excuse. Yeah, you follow orders. But the stuff I was doing— Quinn, I wasn’t a child. I couldn’t have done that kind of work if I was stupid. I can’t use protocol or ignorance as an excuse. At some point, I should have stopped and asked what the fuck we were doing. But I didn”t. And it wasn’t just innocent civilians who paid the price.”
“Well, obviously not,” she said. “Because you paid. You’re still paying. How long ago was all of this?”
I shrugged. “Doesn”t matter. It was recent enough, and I wasn’t a kid.”
“Have you killed anyone since you left? Since you”ve been with Sinclair or here?” she pressed.
It was a valid question, and I got where she was going with it, but I could tell she didn’t get it. Not yet. I had to make her understand, so she could make her own decisions about me. “That”s not the point, Quinn. In the right circumstances, I’ll do what has to be done. I know better now. I won’t make those mistakes again, but being sorry doesn”t erase what I did.”
She nodded, paused. Finally, she asked, “What did you mean it wasn’t just civilians?”
This one I really wasn’t ready to talk about, but I already knew Quinn wouldn’t let it go. I shuffled through memories I”d been avoiding for close to a decade, trying to figure out a way to appease her curiosity without spilling my guts. I couldn’t. She’d told me everything when I asked for her secrets. She deserved the same honesty in return, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.
“For all the wrong I did,” I said, “the thing that pushed me over the edge, the thing that drove me to walk away, was pulling the trigger on a friend.”
“A friend? Or a bad guy?” Quinn asked slowly, her eyes thoughtful, not afraid or repulsed.
I was surprised. I would be afraid of me. Sometimes I was afraid of me.
“Both, I guess. Someone who had been a friend. It was one of the few times my CO told the straight truth. She was a friend. More than a friend to one of my buddies. She was also a double agent. She led our team into a trap, and we lost seven men. I had a plan to take her in alive, but it didn”t work out. I killed her. I fucked up. I should have found another way. I did the right thing for the right reasons, and it was the one death I couldn’t live with. So, I walked.”
I closed my eyes, feeling the pulse of hot blood on my hands when she died, my desperate attempts to save her, even though I’d pulled the trigger, knowing the agony her loss would bring, the ripple effects already spreading. The team had disbanded, my friends dead, my CO on to other schemes. I’d walked away but it hadn’t ended the nightmare. I relived it every time I closed my eyes.
Quinn reached up and cupped my cheek in her hand. I leaned into her palm. “Hawk,” she said gently. “The things you did, they”re not a stain you have to carry with you. Everyone fucks up. Everyone makes mistakes.”
“Not like this,” I said, my eyes still closed, my entire being anchored by the heat of her hand on my face.
“No,” she agreed. “Not like this. Most of us are never in the kinds of situations you lived through. At that age, having just lost your parents?—”
“You don”t need to make excuses for me,” I forced out, my voice rough and low.
“They”re not excuses, Hawk, but they are reasons. It’s not that you shouldn’t feel the weight of the things you did. We all have to live with our mistakes. But your past doesn”t have to erase your future. And you”ve done a lot of good since you left. You”ve saved lives. Doesn”t that count for anything?”
Her words sank in, but they felt uncomfortable, like an ill-fitting jacket that pulls on your elbows. “I”m not sure I can let myself see it that way,” I admitted. “It feels too much like letting myself off the hook.”
“I”m not saying you shouldn’t take responsibility, or that I have the right to absolve you of anything. I”m just saying it doesn”t mean you can’t have a life. It doesn”t mean that you don”t deserve to be loved.”
“I don”t know if I can go there yet, Quinn,” I said, opening my eyes and falling into hers. “But I’ll tell you what I did figure out.”
She raised an eyebrow, a slight smile curving her pink lips. “Tell me what you figured out.”
“I figured out that I”m a monster.” She opened her mouth, probably to argue. I laid my thumb across her lips. “Let me finish.”
In answer, she nipped the tip of my thumb, and my cock jerked in appreciation. Later. I had to say this first.
“I figured out that I”m a monster,” I said. “But maybe you need a monster to keep you safe. You’re a light in this world, and maybe I”m here to make sure you get to shine. I don”t deserve you. I’ll never deserve you. But if you want me, I”m yours.”
Quinn”s eyes filled with tears. Alarm spiked in my chest, and she raised her hands, cupping my face, she pulled me closer and kissed me.
“I want you,” she said against my mouth. “I want all of you, Hawk. Whatever you”ve done, whatever you carry with you, I don”t care. I want all of you to be mine.”
“Then I”m yours,” I said and kissed her back, knowing that of all the things I’d done, all the choices I’d made, this was the one I’d never regret.