Chapter 17
Sienna
Staring up at the moon used to be my favorite pastime. Revyn and I would sit near the fire and count the stars in the sky—one for every hour I have yet to give you.
I shiver in the frosty air and wrap my blanket tighter around me. The balcony off my room may not have a perfect view of the moon, but it’s close enough to make me miss the past.
And remember how in the hells we got here in the first place.
I can’t blame Revyn. Not entirely. He tried to warn me before we approached the first pack, but I was too excited at the prospect of a new home to listen to anything he had to say.
After a while, the rejections became routine.
What was another moon cycle or two of traveling if my best friend was by my side?
Again and again, we were turned away the moment we stepped into pack territory, and again and again, we kept coming back, beating our heads against a wall I was too stubborn to see.
No one was going to accept us into their pack because of the one I came from—and the one that Revyn willingly left behind. He’s never mentioned regretting his decision to leave pack society, and the more I linger inside these castle walls, the more I wonder if he was right to leave it all behind.
Watching my lover openly flirt with other women makes me want to scream. I can’t imagine dating within a pack and learning to move on with your life after a breakup.
There’s a subtle click to my right, and I curve my neck to glance at the balcony beside mine.
The air freezes in my lungs.
Alistair Dire’s gaze flicks to mine for a half second before he sighs, producing a thin roll of parchment from his pocket before igniting the end with a sparker. Inhaling deeply, he ignores me in favor of staring up at the moon.
A wolf howls in the distance, and two more respond in kind.
The fuller the moon gets, the more shifters are out burning off excess energy.
I spot a fox flicking its tail on the snowy grounds below, quickly chased by a doe and what looks like a boar, the three of them frolicking like a happy little family.
It makes me ache for the pack I lost.
Alistair suddenly reaches across the railing and shoves the burning roll in my face. “Take a hit,” he murmurs, avoiding my gaze. “It’ll help.”
I sniff its smoke and wrinkle my nose. It smells like burnt pine sap. “What is it?”
“Something the witches put together. They sell it at a premium, too.” He brings the unlit end to his lips and inhales deeply, then offers it back to me. “It’ll help with—” His brows pinch as he exhales a stream of smoke. “Whatever the fuck is going on inside your head.”
With a glare, I take the roll and copy him, my eyes watering as soon as the smoke hits my lungs. “Gods!” I cough as it burns, then cough some more. “This is supposed to help?” I throw the roll at him, its embers sparking as they hit his bare chest.
I stare at the broad expanse of muscle for longer than I intend.
“Give it a minute,” he murmurs, his voice deep and slow. As he relights the roll, he studies my face. “You might need to take a bigger hit. Hold it in this time.”
“I am not doing that again.”
He shrugs and takes another hit. “Suit yourself.”
We settle into amicable silence, which feels like a goddamn miracle. I suddenly regret coming out here or letting Gemma convince me to brave my own room for once. Ever since Revyn—
I wince as I remember that night. I haven’t been able to sleep in my bed without thinking of him.
“Give me that,” I grumble, reaching over the railing and grabbing Alistair’s hand.
I wrench the roll from his fingertips and take the biggest pull I can, which isn’t much, honestly.
As I cough up the smoke, Alistair smiles like he’s won a bet I didn’t agree to.
“What?” I snap, shivering as a breeze whips through my nightclothes.
“I did exactly what you said. I held it in.”
“For two seconds.”
I don’t have an excuse that I like, so I hold the roll hostage.
He lifts an eyebrow as I take another puff, deliberately avoiding giving it back to him.
The tension in my shoulders eases, as does the brightest hues of the moonlight.
Everything feels . . . softer. The agitation in my chest lessons the longer I stand here.
“Are you going to give that back?”
“No.”
“I didn’t take you as greedy.”
“Yeah, well.” I blow out what little smoke I managed to inhale.
“Wild wolves are selfish bastards.” I point at myself.
“Including yours truly.” The sentiment kickstarts my emotions again, and I frown, my eyebrows knitting together.
It’s bullshit, really, that someone I never met started a rumor about wild wolves that I can’t escape, no matter how far or how fast I run.
Then again, I carry that shit on my back like it’s sewn into my skin. Maybe it’s my fault that I can’t escape it.
All of a sudden, Alistair’s face is inches from mine.
He plucks the roll from my fingertips, takes the deepest pull I’ve seen yet, and drops the burnt end.
Without warning, he grabs my face and pushes our foreheads together.
“Stop thinking so damn hard, Sienna.” My heart pounds as he bumps the tips of our noses.
“And breathe.” Sealing his lips over mine, he exhales all the smoke from his lungs into my mouth.
I tense, but his grip tightens on my cheeks, leaving me with no other option but to inhale.
I taste the smoke first, its woodsy scent unmistakable.
But then comes the rush of heat, and with it, something sweeter and .
. . intoxicating. Grabbing Alistair’s waist, I fight my need for air and pour my heart into a reckless kiss, moaning as I sweep my tongue into his hot mouth and greedily swallow whatever divinity the gods have poured between his lips.
Need burns through me so fast that I whimper, unable to stop the sound from slipping free.
Alistair has turned to stone. “Si—”
I cling to him with animalistic urgency, biting his bottom lip and rubbing my body over his. “Alistair,” I pant, loving the way his body trembles. “I need—”
Our eyes meet, and something in him snaps.
He shoves me against the wall and groans so deep that I feel it in my bones.
“Tell me that you need me.” Tilting my head to the side, he scrapes his teeth against my jaw then licks the column of my throat.
Finding my pulse, he nips the delicate skin and shudders, his hands hooking over my ass to hold me closer. “Tell me that nothing else matters.”
A shiver races down my spine. Why would he care about that?
“There’s just you—” He lifts me off the floor and slams our hips together. “And me.” The heat of his body pulses in time with his heartbeat. “Say it.”
I tangle my fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck. He can’t be serious. I don’t want to say anything, let alone something like that. “Kiss me.”
There’s a moment of silence as he freezes in place, one hand palming my ass while the other teases the bare skin at my waist. Then he sighs, a full-bodied motion that catches me off guard.
Gently lowering my feet back to the floor, he takes a step back and breathes deep like he’s clearing his head.
His hand lingers on my hip until he slowly drops it by his side.
The long-forgotten smoke rolls off the edge of the balcony on a gust of wind.
I should apologize and make an excuse that the full moon has gone to my head, but I can’t bring myself to speak. When I clear my throat, it scratches like I’ve swallowed ash.
Alistair works his jaw without producing any words, his gaze flicking to my lips as he curses under his breath. Then he puts so much distance between us that the cold comes rushing back in. We shiver in unison as we stare at one another.
“That was . . .” He stares at me for a long moment and absentmindedly rubs his mouth.
“A mistake. Wasn’t it?” When I don’t answer—because what the hell am I supposed to say after damn near begging him to kiss me?
—he groans. “Seriously, Sienna, I need you to say something, or I’ll drive myself insane thinking about that kiss. ”
I pick up my blanket from the ground and wrap it around my shoulders. “Don’t worry about it.” My walls go up in record time, sealing off my heart from whatever crazy temptation falls over me every time Alistair Dire walks into the room. “It never happened.”
Alistair’s eyes narrow. “Never happened?”
“Exactly. I was never here.” I’m about to take the coldest bath of my life and scrub the memory of Alistair’s hard cock pressing against me from my mind, permanently.
Because what the fuck, Sienna? Did I lose all sense in the span of two seconds? At the taste of whatever magic graces his ungodly soft lips?
I make the mistake of looking at him before shamefully retreating to my bedroom.
Not only is his cock still hard, but so are his eyes.
Angry doesn’t begin to describe the fury on his face.
Irises flashing bright gold, he grabs my wrist before I can pull open my balcony door.
“Is this a game to you?” He spins me around and pushes us against the glass panel so hard that its cracks splinter, the shrill sound making me flinch.
“Are you trying to break as many hearts as possible, or are you naive enough to think that your actions don’t have consequences? ”
My mind races alongside my heartbeat. “I’m not trying to break anyone’s heart, Alistair. I’m just trying to survive like everyone else.”
A sneer pulls at his lips. “By torturing the men who want to claim you?”
“Callum and Revyn don’t have to know about this.” They’ll be devastated once they find out I kissed Alistair and just as confused about it as I am.
Alistair shakes with rage. “I’m not talking about them!”
“Then who are you—” I gape up at him. “Not you?”
He clenches his jaw and stares at my lips.
No way.
No fucking way.