Chapter Twenty-Two
Dylan
There was garland on every mantel, every doorway, and every railing in sight. Fuck, there was even garland around the edge of the buffet table.
The smell of pine should’ve been overwhelming, but it was mixed with citrus, cinnamon, and something warm. And it was actually kind of nice.
Christmas at the Alexanders’ was a world away from the tacky Christmas circus my mother insisted on staging every year.
I was happy she put in the effort, but the inflatable lawn characters always looked vaguely like sex dolls to me.
They didn’t belong on a front lawn. Or anywhere else for that matter.
Thankfully, Sylvie Alexander had much more refined tastes.
“Dad!” Hunter called from his seat at the large picture window. “Come see!”
His enthusiasm was contagious. I felt like a kid myself as I loped toward him, anxious to see what his excitement was about.
“What’s happening, bud?” I planted my hands on his shoulders and gave him an affectionate squeeze.
“There’s a deer in the backyard,” he whispered, pointing to the majestic creature that looked like it had been purposely placed as an ornament of the season. Like a real-life version of one of my mother’s blow-up figures.
I laughed. “It’s a little too late to start whispering now.”
I crouched down beside him and wrapped my arm around his back. We sat in silence and watched the deer as it munched away, unperturbed by the party going on inside.
“Looks like she’s having a relaxing evening.”
Hunter’s eyes went wide. “How do you know it’s a girl?”
“No horns. A male would still have antlers this time of year unless it’s a baby. But this one’s too big to be a fawn.”
“I like that you know stuff about the outdoors and animals.” He leaned into me. “Mom and Eric haven’t ever been fishing, so I promised I could teach them since you taught me.”
I smiled to myself, thinking of the brightly wrapped tackle box sitting under my tree at home. It made me feel good to know I’d picked a gift my kid would like. And no one had needed to tell me.
Except it was more than that. I was proud to have a connection with him that no one else did. For the first time since he was born, I felt like his dad. Not just some guy with the title of father.
The deer eventually wandered off, and Hunter, being the restless twelve-year-old that he was, lost interest in my silence. Too enticed by the table of food and Caleb’s insistence that they should try one of everything.
It was amazing how much had changed in just a year.
This time last year, I was holed up in my own self-loathing, only venturing out to my mother’s place on Christmas Day, and not seeing Hunter until after the festivities had all wound down. I’d sulked like a teenager, mad about all the things I couldn’t have.
This year I was surrounded by people, enjoying the holiday season in the luxury of the Alexanders’ home. I hadn’t even attempted to argue my way out of the invitation.
The place—hell, maybe even the people—were growing on me. Even though most of them still weren’t my friends, and none except Hunter were family, I didn’t feel like a reluctant stranger anymore. No longer the odd man out. It felt like they had accepted me. Like someday, I might even belong.
I’d even indulged in a couple of drinks this time around, unbothered by what anyone might think about it.
Funny thing was, no one even noticed. Not a single side-eye or frown was thrown my way. There were no snide comments or carefully placed hints about responsibility, either. The only mention of my drink was when Glenn offered to get me another.
My old reluctance felt ridiculous now. All those years of holding myself back, certain everyone was watching and judging, when most of them probably hadn’t been thinking about me at all.
The prison I’d been living in had been one of my own making. And it was only in my head.
I’d spent my whole life trying to be one thing. The right thing, the acceptable thing.
Turned out I didn’t have to live by anyone’s rules but my own. I could be more than one thing. I could be a real, complex person, instead of the perfect fucking version of a man I thought everyone else wanted me to be.
I could be the respectable guy—a father and a police officer who cared about his family and the community. I could also be the deviant fucker—the guy who got off on being dominant and having two lovers.
Both men were me. And both sides of me were perfectly fucking fine.
Even so, I kept my expression flat when Chantel and Sean walked through the door hand in hand.
She looked stunning in a deep green dress, her hair pinned up the way she’d worn it at the wedding, and a small smile fixed on her face like she’d practiced it in the car.
Sean was right beside her in a button-down shirt, his hair combed for once, and wearing the casual confidence of a man who had everything going for him. The rest of the room would never guess how practiced that look was.
He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Chantel’s temple, and I took a casual sip of my drink to hide the way my jaw tightened.
It wasn’t a surprise. This was exactly what we’d discussed. They’d tell everyone they were dating, and Sean was my new best friend.
Who would question it?
The lie would make it easier to excuse our behavior in public. And we wouldn’t have to divulge our unconventional relationship. There’d be no scandal, no whispers, no questions.
Hell, the scheme was my idea. But it was still a punch to the gut seeing them so easily connected. Without me.
Jealousy and anger were easy. It had been my go-to combination with Jamie for years. But I was done with easy. And the truth was, watching them together was a visceral fucking reminder of what it felt like to be naked between them.
Chantel’s eyes caught mine from her spot near the doorway, my insides heating when I recognized the spark of lust in her gaze. Even from this distance, I could feel it.
Sean, on the other hand, played it relaxed and cool. He didn’t even look in my direction, and I was perfectly okay with that.
“I’d be careful with that if I were you.” Eric came to stand beside me.
I looked over. The first thing I noticed was that he was alone—no Jamie in sight. The second was the worried crease of his forehead.
My gut twisted. “Careful with what?”
He stared hard for a moment, and I wondered if he knew. “That smile you’re wearing. I’m not sure if I’ve seen one on you quite that big before. People will think you’re enjoying yourself.”
“You really think I’m an asshole, don’t you?” I laughed, because I really didn’t care anymore.
“Fuck, man…it’s not like you made the best first impression. But no. I can see how hard you’ve been trying, and I know you’re not as bad as I originally thought.”
Eric’s holier-than-thou attitude might still drive me up a wall, but at least he had integrity. Jamie and Hunter could do a hell of a lot worse.
“Well, you’re not as bad as I thought either.
” I turned my focus to look him in the eye.
“You may not know it, but my son is more important to me than anything else in this world. And I appreciate that you treat him like he’s your own.
I didn’t like it at first. But I’m not stupid enough to ignore the alternatives.
If it couldn’t be me, I’m happy it’s someone like you. ”
“Huh.” His eyebrows rose in surprise. “I appreciate that. And I appreciate that you’ve stopped chasing Jamie.”
Hunter’s laugh cut through the room from the direction of the buffet table. I glanced over to see him elbowing Caleb over some shared joke, both of them doubled over.
Eric clapped me lightly on the shoulder and moved off to find his wife, leaving me alone with a drink in my hand and his words circling through my head.
Stopped chasing Jamie.
I hadn’t thought about it until now, but it was true. I wasn’t playing the game with her anymore or trying to force my way back into her heart. I knew she didn’t love me. And I was okay with that, too.
Because I didn’t love her anymore either.
And it felt good. Really fucking good.
Most people will tell you falling in love is the best thing that ever happened to them. For me, it was falling out of love.
Maybe love’s a fantastic thing when it’s reciprocated. But when you’re like me, stuck in a loop of rejected atrophy, love can make you sick and twisted.
My love had been a parasite. And I couldn’t be happier to be free of it.
Letting go of Jamie had made room for something else. Something I hadn’t expected. Something bold, intense, and more honest than anything I’d ever had with her.
What was developing with Chantel and Sean might not have been love—at least, not in the traditional sense—but it had potential. What we had was different. Unexpected. And in some ways, more involved than simple love.
My gaze turned back to them.
They were standing near the fireplace now, a drink in Chantel’s hand, Sean telling some story with his usual loud gestures.
She was laughing, really laughing, the way she did when she was relaxed.
Then Sean leaned down and whispered something in her ear that made her shake her head and swat at his chest.
The whole thing looked so easy, I almost forgot it was a cover. They weren’t just pretending to enjoy themselves. They actually were.
And so was I.
I kept watching, looking for hints of our plans for later. Hints of the game we were playing.
But this was more than just a game now, wasn’t it?
Because the second the door closed and it was just the three of us, the walls would come down. We’d strip it all away. Not just the clothes but the rest of it too. The parts we didn’t show anyone else.
Was it love? Lust? Infatuation?
Whatever the label, it was passionate and consuming. My new obsession. My two new obsessions.
And it felt deeper than the love I’d held on to for years.
It felt right.
I felt right.
And I was finally okay with that, too.
Because I was finally okay with me.