Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Tim
EVERYTHING FEELS SO freaking good tonight.
Our final show is still ringing in my ears when we get to the bar we’ve rented out for the evening. Crew and staff and musicians alike pile in, inundating the poor bartenders with requests. I clink my first beer of the night against Erin’s, and we knock them back while giggling so hard our drinks spill down our chins.
“You were incredible,” Julian says.
It isn’t only staff and crew here with us tonight. Julian has joined us as well, and he and Cameron are already all over each other. They have their own room, which means I’ll be alone, though I’m not sure they’d be able to keep their hands off each other even if management hadn’t graciously separated us tonight .
I drink to hide the flush rising up my neck at that thought. The things I’ve done with Keannen have opened a yawning hunger within me. Instead of becoming less reactive, the slightest thing gets me going. It’s like Keannen has introduced me to a brand new food, but only offered me a tiny, insufficient bite, and now I can’t help coming back for more.
Unbidden, my eyes scan the bar for him. People pack every corner of the venue, spilling out onto the patio. String lights stretch across the tarps set up outside and crawl across the ceilings indoors, like fireflies hovering overhead. Rows of alcohol sit on shelves above the bar, like glittering jewels strung along massive necklaces. The tables are sleek and modern and black, with black stools tucked around them. At least, I’m pretty sure there are stools somewhere in here. It’s hard to tell with so many people packed into the place.
I finally spot Keannen wedged in at the bar and toasting with one of his bandmates. Levi, I think? They clink glasses of amber liquid together, then Keannen shoots the alcohol back in one gulp. I watch the way his throat works, the way a single bead of liquid carves its way down his throat.
He sets the glass on the bartop and catches me watching at last.
I try to turn away, but I know he noticed. His eyes prickle along my back as I clutch my beer and fight the heat swelling in my belly.
He knows I want him. I’ve made that perfectly clear. I’ve also made it clear that I don’t care about the consequences. He doesn’t have to love me. He doesn’t even need to treat me all that well. I’ll take it all, at least for the duration of the tour. After that, I have no idea what happens.
I shake my head, trying to dispel the figments of a future I don’t want to contemplate. This is a night for celebration, for drinking too much and thinking too little, and I’m not going to let the impossible sour it.
I cut myself off around the time the bar starts going fuzzy around the edges. I’ve used the crowd to keep myself away from Keannen, but it isn’t a perfect system. Every once in a while, my eyes slide toward him regardless, and every time, he’s watching me.
I’ve tried talking with my bandmates. I’ve tried drinking. I’ve tried dancing. Nothing works. Eventually, I start searching for him before I can stop myself.
It coalesces into an ache deep in my gut, like an iron ball lodged in my intestines. It keeps me from ordering another drink, but it doesn’t stop my head from spinning.
“Hey, you okay?” Erin says at one point. She grabs me by the shoulder as though to steady me. Have I been stumbling?
“I’m fine,” I say. “Maybe had too much.”
“Let’s get him some water,” Cameron says.
Erin and Kelsey go looking for the water, but being left with Cameron is little better than being alone. Julian loops his arms around Cameron’s middle, hugging him against his body like if they physically separate at any point in this entire night, they might explode.
I turn to Kelsey and Erin, returning with the water, to drag my eyes away from the ridiculously happy couple. Their honeymoon period began over a year ago and seemingly never ended. They’re as insane about each other as ever, and normally I’m super happy for them, but tonight I can’t face it. It’s a foregone conclusion that Keannen will never see me that way, and all because I left when we were kids. Sometimes I want to scream at him that it wasn’t my fault, but that’s only partially true. Leaving my school wasn’t my fault, but cutting off all contact with him is a decision I have to own. Yes, I feared my parents finding out I was in contact with him, but that excuse only works for so long. It doesn’t explain the full eight years of silence.
I down the water in one gulp and excuse myself. Before my bandmates can ask where I’m going or why, I throw myself into the crowd. Bodies press in on every side. I have to shoulder my way through them, enduring the occasional back pat and “great show!” along the way.
At last, I pop free of the press, emerging at the back of the bathroom line. It’s long, but I wait patiently. No one cares about a bathroom line. No one looks at it. I stand in an island of safety long before I make it inside the single-stalled, gender-neutral facility. There’s three of them, luckily, but the plumbing is definitely working overtime tonight .
I throw myself into the bathroom without worrying about the lock and go right to the sink, bracing on the porcelain. For a moment, I simply stand there, letting the world steady. The alcohol is mostly out of my system, but that isn’t what threatens to sweep me off my feet. The noise, the energy — Keannen’s presence. All of it conspires to leave me unsteady.
I run the water, cupping it in my hands to splash it on my face. The blast of cold fortifies me, and when I raise my eyes and observe my dripping face in the mirror, I’m a little more solid.
Then Keannen slides up behind me.
I gasp as his body drapes over my mine, like a shadow dropping from the ceiling. I didn’t lock the door, I suddenly remember. He must have slid in while I was running the water, and now his chest is against my back, his hands on my hips, his breath tickling the back of my ear as he leans in far too close.
“You’ve been looking at me all night,” he says.
“Yeah, so?”
I try to sound firm, but my voice wavers. Keannen feels along my waist and down my hips. He presses closer against me. I suck in a sharp breath as his cock nudges my ass through our clothes. He’s not completely hard, but the message is clear regardless.
And I want it.
The heat that rushes through me is so sudden it almost takes me off my feet. I grip the sink harder, willing my legs not to shake. I hang my head, unwilling to face myself in the mirror as the roar of raw desire consumes me. I told him I wanted him, that I didn’t care how this went, that I was prepared for him to ruin me, but I could only guess at what that meant. Here, now, the blunt reality presses hard against my ass.
Keannen licks along the back of my ear, and goosebumps ripple down my neck, sweeping along my spine. When he speaks, I feel every word brush the place he licked.
“I want you,” he says. “I want to fuck you.”
Holy shit . I almost say “yes” on the spot. My cock stirs in my jeans, my body burning hot. I didn’t know I could want something so much until Keannen rasped it into my ear, every syllable a filthy promise.
“Here?” My voice comes out too high. “Now?”
Keannen huffs a laugh. “No, I’m not that much of a bastard.”
“Then when?”
It comes out like a plea, and Keannen laughs, short and mean and cold. He tugs at my earlobe with his teeth. When he releases it, he grinds his body against mine, and a sound of purest need squeezes out of my throat.
“Needy little virgin,” he says.
“Am I really … after all this?” It’s a weak attempt to fight back, but it’s all I have.
He laughs again, just as harshly as before. “Guess not, but you’ve definitely never done what I have in mind for you tonight. Don’t be so eager. You’ll hurt yourself.”
It’s my turn for a harsh laugh. “So? What do you care?”
“I don’t. I just don’t want to play with a broken toy.”
He shoves himself away. I shiver in the sudden cold, still gripping the sink for stability.
“You have your own room tonight?” he says. When I nod, he adds, “Good. I’ll text you. Do what I say, everything I say.”
I don’t even have time to agree before he leaves the bathroom. I race after him, locking the door this time so I can lean my back against it and catch my breath. I need to calm myself down before I can go back out there, but my head is whirling like a top. What does that mean, “do what I say?” A knot twists in my gut. Maybe this is more complicated than I realize. It’s definitely more involved than the videos I’ve watched. I guess those tend to cut out some of the less glamorous parts.
Yet I know even before I collect myself and manage to leave that bathroom that I’m going to do it. I’m going to do whatever he wants. I’m going to follow his instructions to the letter. The need awakening inside me is too big to ignore. I’d walk into traffic if Keannen told me that’s how I could get what I want.
First, I have to pretend I’m human.
I go back to the party, trying to mingle and socialize and not check my phone too often. I pound water in the meantime — I’m going to need a clear head for this — but the text doesn’t come, and I start to worry it never will. Is this part of Keannen’s game or was he messing with me in the bathroom? His cock said he was serious, but my heart flutters with uncertainty.
“Hey, where’d Keannen go?” Kelsey says at some point.
One of his bandmates, the pretty singer guy, Jacob, shrugs. “Probably left with some groupie or something. It happens.”
No one laughs. It isn’t a joke. Apparently, this is so ordinary to Jacob that it doesn’t even warrant his notice.
An angry stab of jealousy claws at my guts. This would be messed up even by Keannen standards. I consider texting him to chew him out, but when I look at my phone, I find the message I’ve been waiting for ever since that moment in the bathroom. It has a bunch of demands, but I’m reaching for my coat before I even get to the end of the list.
“Hey, are you leaving?” Cameron catches me by the arm.
“Ah, yeah, sorry,” I say, scrambling for an excuse. “I think I drank too hard at the start of the night.”
“You don’t need help getting back, do you?” his boyfriend Julian says. “We can walk you back or get you a car or something.”
“I’m fine,” I assure them. “Really. I’ve been drinking lots of water. I’m gonna head back a little early. It’s been a long tour.”
They watch me for a moment. I know they’ll share this assessment with Erin and Kelsey, and I pray I was convincing. After a pause, they nod, and Cameron releases my arm.
“Alright,” he says. “Get back safe.”
“Text us when you reach the hotel, okay?” Julian adds.
I nod, trying to smile, but my stomach twists. I’m leaving behind people who care about me for a man who never will. Because I want him too badly to stop myself.