57. Callisto
Chapter fifty-seven
Callisto
The writing on the wall squirms like it’s a living thing. In a moment it’ll peel right off and attack me. Fear like I’ve never felt before bursts through my soul. See a man about an alpha. It’s my fault. I hurt her so she can’t trust me; now she’s turning to another alpha.
But what if she never returns? So many abused omegas disappear back into bad situations and never see the light of day again.
My throat closes up, like the possibility lodges there, choking my airways. I claw at my neck. I thought I could live with my separation from Red, so long as she was close by. Within reach—in Rickon’s arms, at least. Sweat tickles down my back, and the room closes in, inch by inch. I know it’s impossible, but I can feel the space shrinking to crush me. The floor calls me down into its hard embrace.
“Callisto? Oh, shit!” A blurry Rickon fills my vision. “Tell me what you’re feeling. Does your chest hurt?”
I stare at him, gaping. When did the scrawny little abandoned kid who arrived on my doorstep with just a backpack become so capable? And handsome?
“C-can’t b-breathe,” I gasp out, clinging to his forearm.
My chest flutters strangely. Yeah, my heart’s under attack, but not the sort Rickon’s thinking of. It’s my fault Red’s gone, and I can’t fix it. Maybe because of my selfishness I ruined his one chance at happiness. And for years I didn’t know he was hurting.
But I should have. I should’ve known, after the terrible life he’s had, that he’d cling to anyone who showed him affection, no matter the cost.
My chest clamps. I’ll die here, never able to draw another complete breath, never telling him how much he means to me. Never holding my omega and being her everything. My body spasms, but I curl in tighter as the walls close in. It’s too bright. I want to bury myself in a dark hole to hide from this squeezing.
Strong hands grip my face. “Look at me, Calli. You’re having a panic attack. You’ll be okay, you just need to breathe through it. I promise this will pass.”
Panic attack? He’s speaking a foreign language. The only thing I know is I’ll never be able to breathe again.
He slides down onto the floor beside me and tugs me across his knees. “You’ll be okay, Calli. There’s enough oxygen in this house for both of us.” His warm hand rests flat across my back. “Just try a little. That’s all you need to do.”
His slender frame shields me from the unforgiving morning light. The warmth seeping through my back unwinds a fraction of tension in my lungs. Maybe if he’s here, I can survive. I breathe in, but it catches in my throat, and I cough and curl in on myself.
“Good try. You’re doing so well. It’ll be okay,” he murmurs.
I can barely make out his words, but it’s enough to know he’s close. A whimper escapes me.
Rickon strokes the back of my hand. “Can you feel that? Isn’t our skin amazing to relay those sensations to your brain? You can even move your hand if you want to. And look, five fingers. Can you breathe in while I count them?”
Everything else fades away as I focus only on his voice and the light taps as he walks his fingers across my knuckles. “One, two, three—”
I choke and hyperventilate again as terror captures me. My mate has gone, and I can’t breathe. I’m drowning in tears I didn’t even know I was crying.
Rickon croons and massages my back. “You’re going to be okay. I believe in you. You can get through anything, Calli. Remember that senior school kid who you caught bullying me? You ripped him a new one even though he was twice your size, and then you got him stuck in detention for a month while you walked free.” Ricky chuckles. “Mad lawyer skills even when you were fourteen years old.”
I grind my hands into my eyes, recalling how enraged I felt learning those guys bullied Rickon. “You should . . . have . . . told me.”
He runs his fingers through my hair, and each pass of his nails loosens the iron wrapping my lungs. “Yeah, I should have. I should’ve told you about a lot of things. Like, do you know why I love corsets? The day I lost my parents at the zoo . . . a man helped me. He was wearing a Captain Hook costume, and I noticed part of it was this leather corset. That’s all I could see because I only came up to his waist.” He chuckles softly.
His fingers pass through my hair again, and I press my head into his belly. He’s suffered something I can’t even imagine. I lost my dad, but that’s nothing on what happened to Ricky.
A sigh runs through his slim body. “The only reason why I ever dated Hudson was because he smells a bit like . . . well, like the person I’ve been in love with for years but couldn’t have. The reason I’m terrified Red won’t come back is ’cause I’m afraid I’m not alpha enough for her. People always mistake me for an omega, you know?”
I can’t reach much of him, but I can partly squeeze his thigh. “Not once,” I wheeze out. His other words filter through my fog. I furrow my brow, thinking back. Did I know he had a long-term crush? On whom?
Rickon strokes my cheek. “I know. You never treated me that way.”
“But her—” I gasp at the thought of Red never filling this house with laughter and energy again.
“Don’t think about that now. Just breathe. We’ll figure it out, Calli. We always have.” A faint sigh of air whispers through my hair. “Together.” He sounds wistful, like he wants something, but I can’t puzzle it out because it costs all my concentration to simply breathe. In and out, in time with his counting and massaging.
Breathing should be instinctive, but for the first time in my life I have to work hard for every snippet of oxygen because our omega vanished.
He makes soft, encouraging noises. “Good, you’re doing fine. See if you can hold it just a little longer. One more second.” Ricky counts again, and I breathe in for three seconds, then four, then five. Slowly the knots of tension unwind, leaving me crying weakly in his lap.
“I don’t understand,” I croak out, when the room stops flexing.
Rickon’s fingers tangle in my hair. I must look a real mess. “Anxiety’s not something you can explain away with logic, Calli, but one thing I know is, your body’s trying to send you a message. You can’t keep pushing yourself forever without consequences.”
I roll a little so I can look up at him. He looks rather angelic, with the entrance window backlighting his platinum hair. “How do you know so much?”
He gets a sad smile, and I want to rub it off his lips. Nothing should ever make this dear boy sad. “From helping your mom.”
I stiffen as his words leave ripples in my soul. All these years I’ve privately mocked her condition. Did she feel this helpless every time she had an attack? Like she was dying? I shiver, a fresh sense of horror creeping up my spine. I had no idea.
I lick my lips, feeling rough cracks forming in my skin. “I thought it was all in her head.”
He tucks a piece of hair off my forehead. “Did yours feel like it was just in your head?”
“No.” Shit, I’ve been such an ass. It felt as real as the hard floor under my legs. “What do I do?”
He shrugs quietly. “Get counseling. Learn strategies to cope with the attacks.”
I dig my fingers into his shirt as a jolt of heat shoots through my forehead. “The attacks? Like, more of them?”
His fingers tease my worry lines. “It’s quite likely, but we’ll face it one day at a time. Do you think you can get up now? We have an omega to find.”
I nod, but he has to physically untangle my tight grip on his shirt before we can get off the floor. When I wobble, Rickon inserts himself under my arm to balance me until I can get into one of the bar stools, and then he drapes the duvet around my shoulders.
“What does her message mean?” I muse out loud, my gaze tracking down the entranceway to the door. A spasm of panic runs through me, leaving me breathless, but the hurricane of pressure remains simmering threateningly in the distance. The worst is over.
Rickon sighs and runs a hand through his white hair while gazing at the sloppy handwriting. “I’m not sure, since she has lots of secrets, but apparently she believes she’s failed us in some way.”
“It’s the other way around,” I growl, squeezing my hands into fists.
“Yeah,” he says sadly. For a minute it feels like he means himself as well, but surely he’s more self-aware than that. Red loves Rickon like nothing else in this world. That much I know for sure.
Rickon drops into the seat beside me before he continues explaining. “She was searching for an alpha back in the Center, but wouldn’t tell me why. If he exists, his scent wasn’t in the sample folio.” Ricky sighs like the weight of the world’s on his shoulders, and even though Red’s not mine, I know how he feels. “Do you think you’ll be all right here, Calli? I’ve left a message on her phone, but I’ll go ask around if anyone in the lobby saw her and check out a few of our favorite haunts.”
I nod. “I’ll be fine. I’ll try calling her again.”
Rickon squeezes my shoulder once, and then busies himself getting presentable to leave the house, tripping over the remnants of our ordeal. After he goes, I stare at the sawn-off library door. Even if it was in a small way, Red let me help her through her heat. If any chance exists, however small, that she might let me into her pack, I’ll take it.
In fact, I’ve got more than one woman to make amends to in my life.
I slip off the stool and stumble through the water bottles and comforters to find my phone.
Come back to me, Red, and I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.