Chapter 91
“We made a pact,” I say in a bare whisper. “But it was silly to say forever. And I want you to be happy, Logan. It was unfair of me to ask you to stay unattached just because I had to.”
“One, you didn’t force me to do anything. I wanted the same things you did. And two, you lied to me then.” Emotion is making his voice gravelly. “You wanted more and didn’t think you could get it. Why?”
“You know my parents as well as I do. And you know what the whole town says about them: ‘Mama’s crazy as a hatter, and Daddy can’t walk a straight line.’”
“So what?” he says. “So what if they’re who they are? You’re you.”
“Yeah, and I got to take care of them and their kids for my whole life. I was their first mistake, and I’m the reason they married in the first place. So I owed them.”
“Bullcrap. You didn’t owe them anything! You deserve happiness as much as anybody else, maybe more.”
Logan’s lips are so close I want to throw my mouth on his and not look back. Instead, I turn back to my diary.
We got into Logan’s truck without a word, and he drove down the nearest dirt road. When the clutch stuck, he pulled me close until our lips found each other’s underneath the moon.
“I have protection,” he said into my ear. “Here in the truck.”
I looked at him. “When did you buy it?”
“After the day we spent in the wildflowers.”
My stomach clenched. “You bought condoms for me?”
“For us. We’ll always be safe, Mace.”
I kissed him. And then, it just happened.
Naturally and perfectly. We took off each other’s clothes, every last piece of clothing, including all the pins I’d used to tie up my hair.
I let my waves down, and Logan tangled them up in his hands as he used his lips to turn me on in every way possible.
I helped him with the condom, and then I let him inside me without hesitation. We stayed intertwined for a long time.
I called out his name when I slipped over the edge, my eyes fastened on his.
“Jesus, Macey.” He fell right after me, his teeth lightly grazing my shoulder as he wrapped his arms tightly around me. “You’re beautiful.”
The air has grown so thick inside the cell that I swear I can see a mist swirling around us. My legs stay tightly closed, and I work to control my breathing so I don’t sound as utterly turned on as I feel inside.
And I held him, and he held me, for hours afterwards.
When dawn broke, I shifted and told him I should put some clothes on.
“You don’t need clothes.” He touched my stomach and kissed my breast. “You’re perfect just as you are.”
The experience was different in the light, somehow, like the night had been protecting me, and now I felt vulnerable and nervous. But Logan wasn’t nervous, and he told me not to be silly as he threw my dress back on the floor and knelt next to my naked body in the back seat.
“You’re gorgeous.” He kissed my breast again. “So freaking gorgeous.”
I closed my eyes and cried out as he moved his lips slowly down my body.
“Once a year is gonna be hard,” he said into my heated skin.
“You’ll date other girls,” I panted as his mouth went lower. “And they’ll help you to forget about me.”
I drag my gaze to his now. “See? Already forgotten.”
Logan doesn’t laugh like I meant for him to. He just starts running his thumb over and over the heated skin just above my knee.
And my traitorous body reacts. God, how it reacts. My nipples feel like they’re going to break through my shirt.
I duck my head and keep reading.
Logan laughed and moved my thighs apart so he could make me come undone again, this time with his mouth. “I doubt that.”
But just because we had sex didn’t change anything. We parted afterwards just as we always had, with hardly a good-bye. Exactly like we said would be best for us.
I thought about Logan all week. I fantasized about his body, and his mouth, and his hardness that made me feel so good inside.
But I was proud of myself. For staying independent. And strong. The exact opposite of Mama and what she’s put me through my whole life.
That weekend, Logan and I met up in town.
I fell in love with a ruby ring at the Jane Austen-themed auction thrown by the Darcy Museum.
I had no money because I’d used up every ounce of my savings to bail Daddy out of jail that awful night he got caught speeding with an open container next to him in the truck.
So I told Logan “Let’s just leave,” because I didn’t want to see who won what I wanted so badly.
But Logan told me he had this. And he used his savings to beat out all the Jane Austen-obsessed women in town, including Mama, and he won me the ring.
I became famous for a summer—“Logan Wild won Macey Henwood that beautiful ring at the auction. I think it looks too old for her myself, but I suppose she’ll grow into it when she’s matured a bit.
And what a romantic that boy is. The ring could pass for an engagement ring if they were older. ”
I smile over at Logan. “Or a wedding band,” I say as he grins.
Two weeks passed with nothing more than a hello between us.
But then, Logan’s father had a riding accident, and he went to the hospital.
Logan called me, and we made love again.
In his father’s barn amongst the haystacks that hadn’t been taken out to the fields because everyone was all distracted.
Logan cried afterward. And we slept there all night.
Then his father got better. Mindy Pfeiffer asked Logan to the Christmas Formal. Skyler Atkins asked me. Logan and I both said yes. We went with our dates, and I kissed Skyler afterwards, but I was thinking of Logan’s truck and wondering if Mindy was in it.
“Did you ever stop wondering who was in my truck?”
I stare at his hand on my leg. “I don’t have to wonder anymore. Everything is very, very certain now. Gigi will always be the girl in your truck.”
His thumb stills on my skin. “Mace…do you…”
“Let’s keep reading.”
The words come out shakily despite my best effort to sound strong and neutral. And I return to my diary.
Skyler and I have been dating off and on since. So have Mindy and Logan.
But I’m still wearing the ruby ring. It reminds me of Logan and of our night together.
And out of nowhere, just last month, Mama made me go on the pill. She said if she does nothing else right, she will not let her daughters end up barefoot and pregnant before they’re ready. “Not like me,” she added when I glared at her.
So, off we went to the gynecologist, and I endured the humiliation of the doctor asking me if I was sexually active and me having to say yes.
Mama was out in the waiting room, but it was still way too close.
I felt like she could take a tube of lipstick and stick it up to the wall and hear my entire conversation.
On the way home, Mama went on for about fifteen minutes about how sex is not as great as they make it out to be.
Finally, I turned away from my window and faced her. “Mama, thank you for the pill and for the talk, but that ship has sailed. Last fall.”
Mama’s mouth dropped open and she veered into a ditch.
While we were waiting for AAA to come get our car out, we stood next to each other in the hot sun.
“Was it that Jimmy from the Y?”
“No.”
“Good.”
“Was it Skyler from the Christmas Formal?”
“No.”
“Good.”
Then her eyes narrowed, and she took off her shades to look straight into my eyes. “Was it Logan?”
I’m not a good liar. I blinked. I looked away.
I shrugged. But in the end, I looked back at her and nodded.
She hugged me then and asked me if we were safe.
Of course, I told her honestly. Then, she asked me if I’d do it again.
Of course, I said again. Her eyes narrowed even more then, and she looked away this time. But then, she looked back.
“Good. Good that it was good, and good that it was Logan. He’s a good boy,” she finished.
I slam the diary shut and practically throw it into my purse. This had been a terrible idea. Logan and I always did prefer to keep things just between the two of us. And trapped in here with him…it feels very comfortable.
But that’s not the way things are anymore.
“That’s the end.” I stand up too quickly for my shaking legs and have to grab onto a prison bar for balance.