6
NORA DROVE TO Clevedon on Saturday morning, via Julian’s house, with a mixture of trepidation and excitement. It had been over a month since she’d seen him, and her stomach was in knots at the thought of it. She’d put him out of her mind further than was probably healthy, and knew she hadn’t been allowing herself to process the fact that the relationship had ended. Coming to terms with the fact that twenty years of her life had been spent with a person who didn’t love her enough to support her through some of the best times of her life was hard. And if he couldn’t be there for her during the good times, what would it be like in the bad? She knew that if she let herself think about it properly, it might turn into grieving of sorts. Grief for the years she’d lost. But she wasn’t in love with Julian anymore and it felt stupid to be upset about the end of everything when she wasn’t actually heartbroken.
She passed Gloucester services and made a mental note to call in there on the way home for something delicious for dinner, and concentrated on looking forward to seeing Liz at the pool. One of the best things about the people she knew from the pool was that they were friends at the pool, but not really outside of that. Their small group knew everything about each other’s lives in some detail but they all knew that what was said at the pool stayed at the pool and it had been a lifeline for Nora when everything with Julian had started to fall apart. Liz and the others knew what she’d been through because they’d been there for her, and now that she was out the other side, she wanted to tell Liz how much it had meant to her.
Once she got to the outskirts of Bristol, she had to follow the maps app to find Julian’s new place. Of course she’d googled it when he told her the address and she was surprised to see that it was in Clifton. He’d have struggled to afford anywhere in that postcode on half of the proceeds from their house, but then, it was a few years since they’d shared the ins and outs of their finances with each other, so perhaps he was better off than she imagined.
She pulled up at the side of the road a few houses away from Julian’s and took a deep breath. She could do this. If he was normal and friendly, it would be fine. What she couldn’t deal with was the surly, distant man that she’d been living with towards the end. Hopefully, the few weeks of space they’d had might have helped on that front. And anyway, once she collected this box, they need have nothing to do with each other again.
Nora pulled the sun visor down to check herself in the mirror. She applied some extra lip gloss and smoothed her hair, annoyed with herself for caring what she looked like, but it mattered. She wanted to look better than he might remember her. Like she was living her best life, which of course she was.
Julian’s new place was a town house. Tall, skinny and painted in a fresh blue shade to complement the other brightly coloured houses in the area. Considering they used to both insist they’d never live in a house more modern than a Victorian one, this was about a hundred years newer than that. It made Nora smile and somehow settled her nerves, knowing that he’d compromised his idealism in this area at the same time as accusing her of selling out. She rang the bell, forcing herself to smile in readiness for when he opened the door.
‘Nora! You’re early.’ He leant in and gave her a flustered kiss on the cheek, which took her aback. She’d been expecting a frostier welcome, so this was good. He smelled freshly showered. His hair was damp and arranged in the style he favoured to disguise the fact he was balding and receding. Why he didn’t lean into it with a hairstyle that didn’t look like it was covering something up – literally – she had no idea.
‘It was quicker than I thought it would be to get across town,’ she said.
‘Come in,’ he said, standing aside to let her pass. ‘Straight up the stairs.’
Nora climbed the stairs and emerged into a bright open-plan living room and kitchen with double doors that led onto a tiny balcony and overlooked the Avon gorge.
‘This view is amazing,’ she said, walking over to look out of the window.
‘It is,’ he agreed. ‘Coffee?’
‘Yes, please.’
She turned and took in the rest of the space, having been too drawn by the view to notice at first. Some of the furniture she recognised, more of it she didn’t. In particular, the old G-Plan sofa they’d had for years, that he’d insisted on having, was missing, replaced by a modern L-shaped slouchy thing covered in more cushions than she’d ever seen on one sofa before.
‘You’ve got a new sofa.’
‘The old one wouldn’t fit up the stairs.’
How the old one wouldn’t fit up the stairs if this mammoth sofa-cum-double bed did, she had no idea. She wanted to say that she would never have agreed to him having the sofa if there was any possibility he was going to get rid of it. Out of all their shared possessions, it had been one of the most contentious and now it appeared he hadn’t wanted it that badly anyway. But she fought the urge to say anything because she was glad not to have too many reminders of that life in her new one. If he gave her the sofa now, all she would remember was the time they bought it and all the times they’d laid out on it together. Times when they’d been happy. There was something about a sofa that held more memories – good and bad – than say, her favourite armchair, a chest of drawers or a table.
‘Shame. That was a good sofa.’
He did at least look guilty for a second and looked like he might be about to apologise, which, after all the arguing over the past few months, was a rare thing. But he didn’t say anything. He brought the coffees over to the sofa and put them down on a wooden board perched on top of one of those trendy massive footstools that was so big it would take up most of Nora’s lounge.
‘So how’s the new place?’ he asked.
‘Good, thanks. Still finding my way around the town, but it seems nice. How about you? This place is amazing.’
He looked guarded, and Nora had the feeling that she was missing something. ‘Yes, I mean it’s not ideal…’
‘It’s not what I expected, if I’m honest. You used to hate houses like this.’ It still niggled her about how he could have afforded it. A part-time art teacher’s salary, even topped up with sales of his pieces through local galleries, didn’t add up to this.
‘I have something to tell you. I didn’t tell you before because… well, we had a lot going on, with the house sale and everything. I’ve met someone else.’
Nora sat in silence for a minute, doing the maths. Even if she counted back to when she’d first suggested perhaps things weren’t working any more. Back to that time when she realised the problems they had were insurmountable after all. That wasn’t more than six months ago. He’d met and moved in with someone else in six months? After coming out of a twenty-year relationship?
‘You were seeing her before we split up,’ she said.
He gave her the same look he had a few minutes ago. Guilt mixed with a startled look that said he hadn’t expected her to work it out.
‘Nora —’
‘It’s fine. It’s nothing to do with me anymore.’ She gulped the coffee down and stood up. ‘I’d better go. Have you got my box?’ It wasn’t because she was upset. But she suddenly felt like an intruder. This was someone else’s house, and she didn’t want to be part of any of this.
Julian stood up and put a hand on her arm, which she shrugged away from, stunned that he would think she would find that comforting.
‘Nora. She’s not here. Anyway, she knows you were coming. She’s fine with it.’
‘I’m sure she is, Julian. She has all the information available to her to make an informed decision about what she’s comfortable with, whereas I feel a little blindsided.’
Julian stood up and stood in between Nora and the top of the stairs. ‘I know how it looks.’
‘How does it look?’ she retorted. ‘Because if you think it looks like you’ve moved on before the dust has settled on our twenty-year relationship and that you got rid of our sofa because of someone else, then yes, that’s what it looks like!’
‘The sofa wouldn’t fit up the stairs,’ he said weakly.
‘Oh, shut up about the bloody sofa! Give me the box so I can get out of your life, Julian!’ She was yelling now. All the feelings she’d been so careful to control over the past few months when she’d been aware that it was she wanting to end things. Feeling that she had no right to be the injured party when all the time, Julian had been seeing someone else. If she hadn’t called time on their relationship, what would have happened? Would he have been cheating on her? Had the relationship started before she had wanted to end theirs? Is that what had sent them into the downward spiral that spelled the end? These were all things she was desperate to know, but too proud to ask. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. As it was, she had come here for a box and was leaving with a whole lot more.
Julian gestured down the stairs. ‘The box is in the hall,’ he said.
Nora ran down the stairs and picked the box up, hoping to stick it under her arm and leave as quickly as possible, but it was too heavy to make a fast or graceful exit.
‘Let me give you a hand,’ Julian said, heaving it off the floor.
She stalked out of the house and opened the boot of her car, then sat in the driver’s seat while he put the box in the boot and closed it. Then, just as he was about to come to her window to have a last word, she drove away. She could see him in the rear-view mirror, holding his hands in the air in exasperation.
Until now, she thought she’d come to terms with the feeling that she’d wasted almost twenty years of her life with someone who didn’t love her the way she’d hoped. Hadn’t loved her enough to support her in the good times, let alone through anything bad. But now it looked like Julian had moved on long before she’d noticed. Long before she’d realised that he didn’t love her anymore, and long before she’d stopped loving him. And that made her so angry.
Because she’d thought it would take longer at Julian’s, Nora was early for meeting Liz at the sea pool, so she took a walk along the beach first. She needed to organise her thoughts and calm down. She wanted to enjoy the swim and at the moment was feeling too full of rage and indignation for that to happen. After she parked the car in the marine lake car park, she walked along the length of the pool until it gave way to the beach. Since it wasn’t a particularly sunny day, and the forecast was for rain later, there weren’t too many people around. Nora loved the feeling of having the beach to herself. Luckily, the tide was out, but there was a keen wind coming off the sea, making some big waves. It was the best kind of day for a swim because you felt like you were in the sea, yet were protected in the pool from the ferocity of the waves – until later when the tide came in and the sea would over-top the dividing wall. You had to be careful swimming in those conditions even in the pool, in case you got pounded into the wall. By the time she had walked up and down the beach, taking lungfuls of sea air, she felt better and was looking forward to seeing Liz.
‘He’s moved in with someone? Who is she?’ Liz was exactly the right amount of incredulous to make Nora feel justified in having felt so angry.
‘I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I didn’t want him to think it mattered to me. I doubt I’d know her anyway, but whoever she is, she’s got a very nice house in Clifton overlooking the gorge.’
They swam side by side to the far end of the pool, then stopped at the edge for a breather, which was just an excuse to carry on chatting.
‘The thing is,’ Nora said, ‘I don’t really mind that he’s moved on so quickly. If anything, it confirms to me that I did the right thing because I know I don’t love him anymore. The thing that makes me angry is that he must have been seeing her when he was giving me a hard time about me wanting to split up.’
‘You think so?’
‘Yes!’ said Nora, feeling as if she was having an epiphany. ‘And even if I give him the benefit of the doubt on the timeline, it’s still only four months from me initiating the conversation about the fact things might be over between us, to him living with someone else. Four months.’
‘At least you can forgive yourself. He was gaslighting you, making you feel bad for wanting to end things when that must have been what he wanted too,’ Liz said.
‘It sounds so dramatic, but you’re right. And I have been feeling guilty.’
‘But not anymore.’
‘Not anymore!’ Nora shouted into the wind.
They began swimming back. Nora felt lighter. As much as it hurt to think that Julian had been that manipulative, she could let go of the feeling that it all ended because of her.
‘You know, if you hadn’t been selling the house, things probably wouldn’t have happened that fast with him and his new woman,’ Liz said. ‘Your place did sell incredibly quickly.’
‘True. Well, good luck to her.’
‘That’s the spirit. Sod them!’ Liz shouted, startling a couple of people nearby.
‘Sod them!’ Nora shouted, laughing.
‘Come on, let’s get out before we turn to ice.’
Nora had forgotten how much more fun it was swimming with someone else. Perhaps she ought to ask Hilary if she’d be up for it next time she saw her. It might be nice to start a little community around swimming in the lake.