Chapter 10
10
Kai
Wakefulness came as a burning gasp. The air felt like knives scraping down his throat, cold sweat beading his forehead and jaw. Kai sat up faster than his body was prepared for, the rush of blood to his head leaving his vision mottled with black. He squeezed his eyes shut—squeezed until it hurt—and rubbed away the ache in his temples.
Beside him, Miya started with the same agonized breath, gulping down oxygen until it filled her lungs. He wanted to ask if she was okay, but he couldn’t bear to look at her. Not after what she’d seen. She threw the blankets from her legs and reached to comfort him, her warmth nibbling away the chill.
“No.” He grabbed her hands, his voice hoarse. “Stay out of my head.”
He’d said those words the first time she’d ever seen inside him—pierced through his armor and grabbed his demons by the balls. Unaccustomed to feeling so raw, he’d lashed out, the statement a vicious rebuke. It was the first time they’d fought—the first time he’d felt his blood boil because someone had gotten too close for comfort.
Now, those words were little more than a gentle plea. Kai knew there was no scaring Miya off. He was her protector, but when it came to the monsters he couldn’t see, she protected him.
“I’m sorry.”
She sounded panicked, guilt lacing every syllable. Her pulse hammered frantically, anxiety seeping into his skin like ink into fabric. He’d frightened her. After five years together, there was still a piece of him that didn’t feel safe. He wanted to cut it out like the cancer it was—curb stomp it into an indiscernible slop—but it was like amputating a limb for an infection that’d already spread.
His sickness was systemic.
Kai released her hands, and her fingers skimmed over his cheekbones, raked through his hair. He didn’t stop her this time. She pulled him close, and he buried his nose in the crook of her neck, his breath like lava on her skin. She was shakier than he was, her body trembling against his.
“I didn’t mean to. It just…happens sometimes.”
“I know,” he said softly, his arm cinching around her lower back.
Despite the reassurance, she mumbled another apology like he didn’t believe her. He knew how much she practiced. She’d gone from stumbling into strangers’ nightmares to commanding every ethereal cranny, but the more intense the dream, the harder it was to stay out. And with Kai, it was especially dicey. They were so close—emotionally and physically. He couldn’t keep his shit under lock and key when she was right next to him, and it bled through the cracks of his carefully crafted shield. He knew it wasn’t her fault, but he hated it—loathed not having a filter between her gaze and the ugliest parts of him.
He felt her throat bob as her arms slid from his shoulders. “We should maybe talk about?—”
Kai shook his head. “No.”
She bit her tongue and swallowed her objection. Miya knew how much he valued his agency. On this, she wouldn’t push him. Instead, she eased herself back down and stared at the ceiling. She was displeased, but Kai wasn’t going to budge. He followed her lead and turned onto his side, his palm sliding over her bare stomach under her T-shirt.
“If you think you can seduce me?—”
“I’m not trying to seduce you,” he chuckled, then welded her against his chest. He swept her hair aside to plant a tender kiss below her jaw. Her hand found his, still pressed to her stomach, and she settled against him, her eyes drifting shut. It was still dark out—too soon for her to give up on sleep.
But Kai had no intention of returning to that train soaked in death. What the soldier wanted to give him, he’d never know.