Chapter Eight – Vivianne
Vivianne
Breakfast was filled with laughter and stories about the boys.
Nellie and Gus did their best to embarrass their kids, but all they did was laugh and reminisce about when they were younger.
The trouble the four of them got into was insane, and I couldn’t help but wonder how Nellie didn’t have a full head of gray hair.
After eating, I was able to convince Nellie to let me help her clean and do the dishes while the guys helped their father with some things on the ranch.
She was such a wonderful mother, and she was treating me as if I were a member of her family.
My emotions got the best of me when she hugged me, kissed my cheek, and thanked me for helping.
I was fighting back tears, so I excused myself to get ready for the upcoming ride.
Now I was standing at the window in my bedroom, looking down at David, Ladd, and Gus as they walked toward the barn. They were laughing, and Gus pulled Ladd to him and pretended to sock him in the stomach as Ladd pushed his father away.
Hugging my arms around my body, I closed my eyes. I had no concept of what it might be like to have parents who loved you and wanted to spend time with you. Parents who didn’t judge you for mistakes you’ve made…or disown you for them.
As I opened my eyes, I felt the tears fall. But when a light knock came at the door, I quickly wiped them away and said, “Come in!”
I turned to see Nellie opening the door and peeking in. “Vivianne, sweetheart…is everything okay?”
Forcing myself to smile, I replied, “Yep! I was mentally preparing myself for the ride.”
Nellie was dressed in riding pants and a sweater. She held what looked like a pair of riding gloves in her hands. Or I was guessing that’s what they were.
“Ladd said you’d need some riding gloves.”
I nodded and made my way across the room. “I don’t have riding pants, so I hope my jeans are okay.”
She gave me a once-over and grinned. “They’re just fine. Do you have a lightweight winter coat?”
I pointed to the coat on the bed.
“That’s perfect.”
I let out a nervous laugh. “I’m excited and nervous at the same time.”
She reached for my hand and gently squeezed it. “Somehow, I don’t think those tears are because you’re nervous about going riding.”
Pressing my lips together tightly, I shook my head, fighting back more tears.
“Oh, sweetheart,” she said, pulling me to her and wrapping me up in a hug that felt so gentle and loving, I lost the fight and the dam broke.
It wasn’t a soft cry; it was a full-on blubbering sob.
“Goodness, Vivianne. What has you so upset, sweetheart?”
I drew back and stepped away, trying to get my emotions under control. “I’m so sorry,” I said between sniffles. “I didn’t mean to break down like that.”
“Well, something…or someone…caused you to be upset. Did Ladd do or say something? I’ll give him a lashing myself!”
A half sob, half laugh came out. “No. No, it’s nothing like that.”
She took my hand and led me to the bed, and we both sat down. “We have a few minutes before the boys will need us outside. Would you like to talk about it?”
“It’s nothing.”
Nellie stood and went to the bathroom, returning with a few tissues. “I know nothing, and that cry was not about nothing. I do want to help if I can.”
I dabbed at my eyes. “It’s just…seeing your family and how much you all love each other. It’s…it’s beautiful. And I guess a part of me was just upset that I’ve never had that.”
“Ladd told us you don’t like to talk about your parents or your past, which I respect, but sweetheart, did your parents…did they hurt you?”
The lump in my throat felt like it was growing by the second, and if I didn’t speak now, I’d never be able to. “Not physically.”
She nodded, then waited patiently. I drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“Let’s just say they wouldn’t have won parents of the year.”
“Do you still speak to them?”
Panic started to grow, and even though every ounce of me wanted to tell Nellie everything, I had never told another soul. Not even Ladd.
“No. They, um…they disowned me as soon as I graduated high school.”
Her sharp intake of air caused me to close my eyes.
“I wasn’t exactly an innocent party.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
I made the mistake of looking at her. Her eyes were filled with so much love and worry, and it broke me in two.
“I’m so afraid to say anything, Mrs. Wilde.”
“Nellie.”
I swallowed hard. “If Ladd finds out…if you knew the truth…I don’t think you’d want me in your son’s life.” I buried my face in my hands and started to cry again.
Her arm slid around my shoulders, and she drew me closer to her and simply let me cry for a couple of minutes.
“The way my son looks at you, I’d be hard-pressed to say he wouldn’t love you no matter what has happened in your past. And I was not put on this Earth to be judge and jury of anyone’s life. Well, except over my sons’.”
A small laugh slipped free. I slowly shook my head, then drew in a shaky breath. “It’s nothing I’m proud of, and I’m not sure if I should tell Ladd or not. I’m so torn up about it. I love him so much, and I couldn’t stand it if he thought less of me after I told him. I’ve never told anyone.”
She sat back and turned her body so she was facing me straight on. “I raised that boy, and I know for a fact that unless you told him you killed someone for the fun of it, there’s nothing you could tell him that would make him love you any less.”
I closed my eyes.
“Vivianne, if you decide to tell me, I’ll promise you right here and now that whatever you share will stay between us.”
Opening my eyes, I wiped my tears away. “You wouldn’t tell Ladd?”
She shook her head. “It’s your secret, darling. Not mine to share. But I can see it’s been a burden for you to carry. I’m here if you want to unburden that weight. We all have secrets, my sweet girl. But I have a feeling yours isn’t going to do the harm you think it will.”
My entire body shook as I breathed in. “I was in my junior year of high school. I’d been dating the same boy for over a year. He was a football player, and colleges were already looking at him, offering full scholarships for him to play for them.”
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. When I opened them, I stared down at my hands. I couldn’t look Nellie in the eyes and tell her what I was about to tell her.
“His name was Robert. I thought we’d get married after high school. He swore he’d always love me, and that we’d leave Colorado Springs together. That no matter where he went to college, he wanted me with him.
“I was on the path to be valedictorian, and I wasn’t worried about getting scholarships.
My grades were good enough to get into any school I wanted.
My father had already told me there was no way he was paying my tuition.
He had to pay for his own college, so I knew early on I’d also be on my own.
I started saving babysitting money at thirteen, and all the money I made when I started my first waitressing job at sixteen. ”
Her brows raised. “What happened?”
“The second semester of our junior year, I found out I was pregnant.”
I looked up to see her reaction to that. When there was none, I felt the vise around my chest loosen just a bit.
“I told Robert about the baby, and he was more concerned that it would ruin his chances of playing football more than anything. I’d already made the decision that I would give the baby up for adoption, and I told him that.
He agreed, and we told his parents first. They were disappointed in us, but they said they’d help however they could, and agreed that adoption would be best for the baby, as well as for our futures.
“When I told my parents, they were furious. My father told me I was an embarrassment. That if any of his friends found out, he’d be ruined.”
“What?” Nellie asked, sounding horrified.
“I promised them I wouldn’t let the pregnancy show.
I started wearing baggy clothes, and luckily, I wasn’t very big.
The last month of my junior year, my father arranged for me to leave school early.
He’s in politics, and I think he promised them funding, and the school decided that if I could pass all of my finals, they’d allow it.
I did, and afterward, my parents basically put me in hiding for the summer.
I went to a maternity home run by Catholic nuns, and I had the baby in August.
“My parents refused to pay for anything related to ‘my mistake,’ so Robert’s parents got a lawyer.
They took care of everything. They paid the bills, the lawyer took care of the adoption.
They even offered to let me live with them when I came home.
By that time, though, Robert and I had grown apart.
He told me that he’d fallen for another girl from our class while I was gone, though he hadn’t told his parents.
So I thanked them for their generosity, and I stayed with my parents.
“Mom and Dad told me that the moment I graduated, their obligation to me would be over, and I’d have to leave.
They were upset and angry that I hadn’t ‘gotten rid of’ the baby like they’d demanded, and had dared to risk their social standing.
They had to make excuses for why I was absent at a few social and political events, you see. ”
Nellie’s hand covered her mouth. “Oh, Vivianne. How cruel.”
“I did my best to stay out of their way that next year. Stayed at friends’ houses and kept my nose buried in my schoolwork. Robert accepted a scholarship to a college in Florida, and I chose a full academic scholarship to Colorado State.”
“That’s why you have two jobs? To pay for everything else?”
I nodded. The tears had finally stopped, and the weight of holding in my secret had lifted somewhat. “I’m terrified to tell Ladd. What if he thinks differently of me?”
“Why would he?”
“I was pregnant at seventeen and gave the baby up for adoption! I can’t imagine anyone wanting me after they learn something like that.”