Chapter Ten – Vivianne
Vivianne
Ladd blinked back at me, confused. He wasn’t the only one. “Why in the world would I want to leave?”
“You were crying this morning, and the only other person in the house was Mom.”
“So, you think your mother upset me, and now we’re going to just leave before Christmas and the event?”
He frowned. “Well, no. I mean, I’d hope not. That’s not like my mother at all. But something is clearly off.”
I exhaled and took his hand and walked to the middle of the room. “Can we clean up?” I asked, needing something to focus on while we talked.
Looking around, he nodded. “If you want, we can. You gather up the rolls of wrapping paper and put ’em back in those plastic bins, and I’ll get the scraps.”
We worked in silence for a few minutes as I gathered up my courage to tell Ladd about my past. I had asked Nellie to make sure no one came into the room while we cleaned, because I was finally going to tell Ladd my secret.
“When I was a junior in high school,” I started, “I was dating this guy. His name was Robert. He was the starting quarterback, and there was already buzz from colleges that were interested in him.”
Ladd stopped working, but I kept cleaning. It was a cowardly thing to do, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch his expression as I explained.
“Let me start further back. I told you a bit about my parents.”
“Yes. A little.”
“Well,” I said, as I picked up a roll of wrapping paper with little bears dressed as Santa. “I don’t think my mother and father ever wanted a child. I was more of a…necessity. It made them look like a family, and that’s really what my father needed. An image of the perfect family.
“When they deemed it necessary, I’d be dressed in my finest attire and paraded in front of their friends and business associates.
Afterward, I was sent to my room…and maybe I’d get dinner, if someone could be bothered to remember to send it up.
There was a maid who worked for us for a while who always remembered me, and she’d send up dinner.
After she left, I usually had to sneak down to grab something.
“If the party or event was somewhere else, my father would hire someone to take me home, or back to our hotel if we were in another town or state. I never stayed in the same room as my parents. Not even when I was as young as five. Of course, at that age, I had a nanny who stayed with me. The point is, I wasn’t raised in a loving household like you and your brothers. ”
When he didn’t say anything, I went on.
“So…when I found out halfway through my junior year that I was pregnant with Robert’s baby, I totally panicked.
” I didn’t look at Ladd for fear of seeing his expression.
“I knew he wouldn’t want the baby. My parents definitely wouldn’t.
And truth be told, I wasn’t going to be able to give a baby the life they deserved.
Before I’d even told anyone, I’d decided to give the baby up for adoption, and I knew Robert would be on board. He wouldn’t want to give up football.”
I paused and drew in a breath before starting again. “I told Robert first—and he was relieved, to say the least, that I wanted to give the baby up for adoption. We told his parents, and they said they’d be there for me during the pregnancy, and they’d help however they could.
“My parents, on the other hand, were completely outraged. Worried about what everyone would think if they found out. My father said that if he could, he’d kick me out of the house immediately. That part, I didn’t tell your mother. She already looked horrified as it was.”
“You told my mother all of this?” Ladd asked, sitting down on the sofa.
“Just the pregnancy stuff. And I don’t know why I told her…
I’ve never told anyone, Ladd. Not another single person.
Being around your family, though… Then this morning, I was watching from the window.
You with your dad and brother, so loving toward each other…
I realized I was jealous. And I broke down.
When Nellie came to my room and saw me crying, she was so kind to me. I just let it all spill out.”
“Viv, what did your parents do? You said your father wanted to kick you out?”
Drawing in a deep breath, I exhaled. “I made them a promise that no one would find out. When I started showing a little, I wore baggy clothes. My father arranged for me to take my finals early since I was so far ahead in school, and he was a senator with a lot of pull.”
Ladd’s eyes went wide. “Wait? Your father? He was a senator?”
“He still is.”
He nodded. “My God. What happened after that?”
“They sent me to a home for girls who’re pregnant and unwed, run by Catholic nuns, and I stayed there until I had the baby that August.”
Ladd looked stunned. “You were all alone?”
“Well, Robert stopped by a couple times to see me and made sure I didn’t need anything.
His parents hired a lawyer, and they took care of all my bills, as well as any expenses related to the adoption, because my mother and father refused to pay for anything.
His parents also offered to let me live with them after I had the baby.
But by that time, Robert and I were basically just friends.
He’d started dating another girl without his parents’ knowledge, so I wasn’t about to take them up on their offer, even though I would have loved to.
My own parents told me that the second I graduated, I was on my own.
Said I needed to be out of their house.”
Ladd closed his eyes and balled his hand into a fist. “How could they do that to their own daughter?”
I shrugged. “I spent my last year of high school trying my best to stay out of their way. I stayed with friends a lot, kept my focus on my schoolwork, and when they required me to attend a party or event, I went. I’d smile, be polite, then get sent away when I was no longer needed.
Robert accepted a scholarship to a college in Florida, where he’s now the starting quarterback.
I got a full academic scholarship to Colorado State, but without any help from my parents, I’ve also taken out a couple small loans, and that’s why I work so much. ”
He lifted his hand and rubbed the back of his neck.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I know I should have told you before we got so serious, and I understand if you want to call things off.”
Ladd’s head snapped up, and he looked at me with a shocked expression. “Are you serious? Do you honestly think any of that would change how I feel about you?”
I could feel the tears burn at the back of my eyes. “I didn’t know how you’d react, Ladd. I mean, I got pregnant at seventeen and gave the baby away.”
He stood and made his way over to me. Taking me gently by the upper arms, he stared down at me.
“I love you, Viv. All of you—and that includes your past. I’m all in.
Nothing you could ever do would make me not love you.
You were young, and I’m sure you were scared shitless.
I’d love to have a few words with your parents for treating you the way that they did, but sweetheart, I don’t think less of you because of your past. You did what you thought was the right thing to do, and I, for one, think it was a brave decision.
I’m just sorry you were alone through all of it.
I also hope I don’t ever meet this ex of yours. ”
I laughed softly. “I’m glad he fell for someone else because if he hadn’t, I’d most likely have gone to Florida for school, and we would’ve never met.”
“That’s true.” His smile faded slightly. “Did you get to hold the baby?”
I shook my head. “No, they took her away almost immediately. The adoption center provided me with a few tidbits about the parents. They’d been trying for several years to have a baby.
I’m sure she’s been loved like I would have loved her.
That she has a life I wouldn’t have been able to give her.
At least, not at that time anyway, and not yet, either.
The dad was a doctor and the mother a schoolteacher. ”
“Is that why you want to be a teacher?” Ladd asked as he guided me to sit down on the sofa.
“I think that’s part of the reason. I love kids, so that’s a big factor.
And I had so many teachers through the years who helped me in ways I don’t think they even realized.
My life wouldn’t be what it is if it hadn’t been for a few of them.
My sixth-grade teacher quickly realized my parents didn’t care about what was happening in my world, and when I got cast in a school play, she came to see it because she knew my parents wouldn’t show up. She even brought me flowers.”
Ladd smiled. “That was sweet of her.”
“Yeah,” I said, as I fondly remembered all the other teachers who’d been there for me when my parents hadn’t.
“My history teacher during my senior year of high school had flowers sent to the school on my eighteenth birthday. The card simply said, ‘Happy Birthday and good luck at Colorado State.’ I instantly knew they were from her because she was the only person I’d told that’s where I was going. ”
“I had a few teachers in school who seemed more like a big brother or sister than they did my teachers.”
Turning to look at him, I replied, “I think that’s why I want to teach. If I can make a difference, no matter how small in a child’s life, that’s what I want to do.”
He squeezed my hand. “Then you’ll do it. I know you will.”
I chewed nervously on my lip before I asked, “You don’t think less of me? Because Lord knows I do at times.”
“Viv, God, no, I don’t think less of you.
Like I said, I think what you did had to be one of the bravest things a mother could do.
To give up your child because you knew they would have a better life.
No, I don’t think less of you at all. I don’t know if I could have had the strength to do what you did. Also, I’m not here to judge anyone.”