Chapter 19
His mouth on mine is hot and insistent, and I'm completely lost in him. The solid heat of his body pressing me into the wall, the way his hands grip my hips like he can't get close enough. It's intoxicating, the way he consumes me.
But even as I sink into the kiss, even as my fingers tangle in his hair to keep him close, a voice whispers in the back of my mind. A voice of doubt, of fear, of all the ways this could go so terribly wrong.
It's that voice that has me tearing my mouth from his, gasping for a breath as I push at his chest.
“Ryan,” I breathe.
He pulls back instantly, concern etched into the lines of his face. “Are you okay?”
I pull away and don’t know how to answer.
“Addison,” he says sternly.
“No, no, I'm fine.” I try to smile, but it feels shaky. “I just–I think we need to talk.”
His brow furrows and he steps back, giving me space. I immediately miss his warmth, but I know I need a clear head for this conversation.
I take a deep breath, trying to corral my thoughts. “I know I suggested all this. I said let’s practice on each other, but I didn’t know.”
A smile quirks his lips. “Blame it on my stupid question over text. And winning the game. It’s got me all worked up. I’m sorry.” He takes a step back. “I’m sorry, Addie. Please forgive me. I know I just crossed a boundary there.”
Heat rushes through me as I think about the lists we sent each other. The flirting. The anticipation. “Don’t be sorry, please. It’s making me think you might regret all of this.”
He shakes his head. “No. No, I would never regret any of this.”
Ryan looks like a fraction of himself right now. His eyes are full of guilt. His tone of voice and body language are screaming guilt.
I say, “Neither would I.”
“Okay, so let’s talk before I–” He glances down at my mouth. “Kiss you again.”
I blush, walking to the couch. “Come on, let’s sit.”
He sits next to me after I pat the couch, but I can tell he doesn’t want to sit right now.
I blow out a shaky breath. “I'm scared. Terrified, actually.”
He takes a careful glance at me. “Of me?”
“No.” The denial bursts out of me. “Never of you. I'm scared of this. Like I messed it all up by suggesting we…you know…”
Understanding dawns on his face, chased by a flicker of relief. “Baddie,” he breathes. “You haven’t messed anything up.”
“Yet,” I whisper, hating the fear in my voice. “I'm not good at this, Ry. In relationships, at being someone's girlfriend. I've never...I've never had anything real, and we’re really good at being friends. Best friends. That doesn’t mean we’re going to be good together.”
It costs me to admit it, to lay my fears bare like this. But that kiss outside was a lot more than a practice kiss. It was needy like he’s been longing for it. And I don’t think I can take another kiss without having this conversation.
Ryan's expression goes soft and a little sad. He reaches for me, slowly enough that I could dodge him if I wanted. I don't. I let him take my hand, let him twine our fingers together.
“Baddie. Addison ,” he says, so gently it makes my throat tight. “I've never had something real either. You think I know what the hell I'm doing here? I'm just as terrified of fucking this up as you are.”
I blink at him, surprised. “You…are?”
“Girl, I'm shaking in my skates.” He smirks. “You're...God, Baddie, you are…you’re incredibly badass, you’re smart, beautiful, witty, and you’re…my best friend. The thought of ruining what we have? It keeps me up at night.”
I glance at our hands, feeling the heat between our palms. I’m already sweating. “I––really?” I turn my head to look him in the eye.
He nods at me with gentle eyes.
I swallow. “Then we’re on the same page.”
He tugs me closer, resting his forehead against mine. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that.”
I smile, staring into his eyes. He’s no longer filled with guilt. His expression has softened, and he’s waiting for permission to kiss me. I can see it in his eyes.
He tucks my hair behind my ear and whispers, “The same page.”
“That kiss back there didn’t seem like practice.”
His nose grazes mine. “I couldn’t control myself. You just looked so cute.”
I press my lips against his. He kisses me back, grabbing my neck with one hand and my waist with the other. I melt into him.
He whispers between kisses, “I… don’t want… to be friends-with-benefits… anymore.”
I kiss his neck as I crawl onto his lap.
He licks my collarbone. He whispers, “We’re done doing that, okay?”
His lips against my neck tickle with every word he says.
“Addison.” He grabs my face to look at him. I can’t help but rock my hips.
I whisper in his face, “Why don’t you bend me over on the kitchen counter, my friend-with-no-benefits.”
He chuckles, licking his lips. He says, “Ads, I’m so fucking done being just your friend.
” Our mouths crash together as I dry hump him through our clothing.
It feels so good to hear him admit this, so I lose myself in this kiss, in his hands all over.
He doesn’t request any removal of clothing.
We are just two friends making out with each other like our lives depend on it.
“If you keep rocking on me like that, I’m going to lose my self-control.”
I smile. “So, be it.”
He pulls me off him to stand. “We need to talk… You’re not exactly saying anything.”
“Do I need to?” I ask, confused. “I told you to take me to the kitchen counter.”
He wipes his face. “Are we really on the same page?”
“Yeah,” I shrug.
He cages me on the couch, both his arms on both sides of me. The look in his eyes are dead-set on me. “Really?”
“Yeah,” I shrug again.
“In a minute, I will bend you over that counter. But right now, I need you to tell me.”
I smile. “Tell you what?”
“Addison,” he scolds in his sex voice.
I shrug again. “I’m just reacting, not really thinking.”
He leans in. “Then do me a favor and tell me what you really feel. When you left my arms that one night after we cuddled, you went home, right?”
I nod.
“Tell me what you were thinking.”
I don’t like that he’s caging me in now. I glance at his strong arms, not enjoying being confronted. I wish he was bending me over right now rather than talking. I only have myself to thank for this conversation.
I look back into his eyes. “I’m thinking the same thing I am right now.” I nod. “I’m scared to give myself to you.”
“Baddie,” he breathes, finally standing tall. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I bring my knees into my chest.
“Hey,” he sits next to me and gently grazes my face. “Addie, I promise that I’m not going anywhere. You already have all of me. You always have, and the only thing that changes is what we get to do together.”
A slow smile spreads across my face because he’s referring to sex, and it’s been ridiculously fun. We’re two idiots for not doing this sooner. Really.
He whispers, “I love that smile, Ads.”
“You do?”
“So fucking much.” He observes my face. “It’s the first thing I want to see in the morning, and the last thing when I go to sleep.”
I laugh. “What about the in-between?”
He smirks. “A man’s gotta play hockey.”
I press my forehead against his shoulder and laugh.
He chuckles. “Baddie, you’re still not saying anything.”
I stop laughing because he’s right. I am not saying anything because saying something means I am putting myself out there. It means that he’ll know how I feel, and that gives him the power to break me.
I nod. “I really love having you as a best friend.”
He waits for me to continue.
“And I always want that for us.”
His left eyebrow raises. “We can’t use each other for sex anymore. I can’t do it.”
“Okay,” I nod. “Yeah, we don’t have to anymore.”
He chuckles, getting closer. “No more casual sex. It’s not like we had a lot. It was only two times, but it was enough for me to know that I’m fucking crazy about you.”
I stare at him. “Oh.”
“Are we not on the same page anymore?”
“Um…we…are.” I swallow, nodding. “Yeah. I’m right there with you.”
“Are you sure?” he asks with a questionable look on his face.
I place my hand on his knee and say, “I want to take things slow.”
“Slow?”
I nod. “Yeah, is that okay?”
“Yeah, of course,” he says but I’m not convinced. He stares off into space with a funny look on his face and then asks, “What is slow?”
“Well, I was thinking we can see where this goes. No pressure. No changes. You’re still my best friend, but we…you know.”
A smile stretches across his face. “Okay. I can do slow.”
I move my hand to his waistband. “Now let’s celebrate on the kitchen counter.”
He holds back his clearly obvious excitement. He grabs my arms, forcing them around his neck. He stands up, so I wrap my legs around him. I love his height and his strength. He squeezes my ass before sitting me on top of the kitchen counter.
“Is this where you want to celebrate your win?” I tease him with my hand over his hard dick. I’m rubbing him through his jeans now. I can’t wait to celebrate.
“Looks like I’ll be winning every game from here on out if this is my prize.”
I lean into him, and he grabs my neck and starts with his tongue first. My stomach rushes with butterflies as he flicks his tongue against mine. He’s needy and hot. I love everything about how he makes love.
He lifts my shirt up and says, “Do you really like taking your own shirt off, or was that something you said?”
I laugh. “Definitely something I said. I would love for you to take it off.”
He pulls my shirt over my head and his eyes land on my lace bra. “You’re so sexy, Addie. And–”
His tongue glides across my cleavage. “You taste just like vanilla.”
“Haven’t you heard? It’s my favorite flavor.”
He kisses my cleavage. “Do you really not like the licking? Because I swear you love it.”
I tug at his shirt and remove it. I run my fingers down his body and admit, “I love it.”
He smiles, a bit too big. “So, why’d you tell me to stop?”
I grab his head. “Because I don’t want you doing that to anyone else.”