FOUR
A soft groanleaves my lips as I struggle to pull myself free of the thick fog that envelops my brain. Where am I? There’s a tight feeling in my chest, and I clamp my teeth down on my lip, trying my hardest to think while my fingertips explore the bedding, and I inhale, finally recognizing the scent of the detergent we use at home for Chase’s sensitive skin. Home. I’m in my bed in my room—because we couldn’t stay at SIN last night. Slowly but surely, I sift through the memories that have begun to work their way free of the tangled mess in my head. My brain practically cramps as I sort through our disastrous evening.
Ugh, no.Freya and Zane. My stomach rebels at the image of them in Beckham’s bed that takes over my mind, and I have to take several slow, deep breaths until I’m positive I’m not going to be sick. I pry my eyes open. They have a gritty feeling to them after having been awake until the early hours of the morning. Every movement I make feels sluggish but worse is the mental exhaustion making my head feel like it’s stuffed full of cotton. I could probably sleep another twelve hours and still not be well-rested. That doesn’t matter, though, because I’ve just remembered Royal is in the next room with our son. Beckham and Wilder had been steered to the guest bedroom by Kara, but Royal had insisted on staying with Chase overnight. Chewing on my lip, I admit to myself that I get why he’s on edge. And I’m grateful to know he’s thinking of his son first.
But… while I’d thought the gesture was sweet at the time, what if Chase doesn’t recognize Royal in person as being the same guy he’s met via video chat? Shit. I feel terrible for having to do it, but I need to wake Royal before Chase’s little eyes pop open and he finds a stranger in his room. His daddy, yes, but still a relative stranger, because I don’t know if video chat introductions count when it comes to meeting someone for the first time.
I fumble around the bed in search of the pair of sleep shorts I’d stripped out of, locate them, then slip them on before standing and hiking them over my ass. I don’t waste any more time. Stealthily, I exit my room, then let myself into Chase’s. The only sound made is a quiet click of the door as it opens. My toes meet the soft carpeting and I pause, blinking a few times as I attempt to get my eyes to focus. We have room-darkening shades in here, otherwise Chase would get up with the sun every day. I stand in one spot for what feels like at least a minute before I’m able to make out the tiny sleeping form in the toddler bed and the body with the much larger six-two frame on the floor beside it. My little boy clutches his stuffed monkey to his chest, his lips softly parted in sleep. I swallow hard, then lift my hand to my cheek as I watch the two of them together, trying to contain the emotions threatening to fly out of me.
Royal’s still out like a light, too, and as I let my gaze wander over him, I’m reminded of all the times I’d woken up, my cheek resting on his chest. I’d watch him sleep, wondering how I’d gotten so lucky to have found a guy who cared so much about me.
Even so, the more I think about it, the less I think it’s a good idea for Chase to wake up and find him here. I scrape my teeth over my lower lip, trying to think of the best way to wake him. He’d been so tense last night I could imagine him roaring to an alert state in a panic. Finally, seeing no other way to do it, I whisper, “Royal, wake up.” I pause, then try again. “Royal.” My voice is quiet, but the tone is insistent, and by some miracle, it makes him stir.
Before he realizes what’s woken him up or that I’m standing here, he lifts his head from the pillow he’d brought in here, his gaze immediately darting to our son. And, oh god, the way his eyes soften when they land on Chase makes my stomach flip and my heart beat insistently in my chest. It’s no doubt trying to tell me something. I bite down on my lip and nudge his joggers-clad leg with my bare foot.
As expected, he startles, shifting to look in my direction, but his posture relaxes as soon as he sees me. I lay a finger to my lips and gesture that he should come with me.
Frowning, he glances at the sleeping boy, then picks himself up off the floor, takes my outstretched hand and lets me lead the way.
A few seconds later, Royal carefully closes the door to my room behind him before pivoting and looking at me expectantly. His eyes scan my face, and his head cocks to the side. “What’s going on?”
I take a deep breath, then let it go, holding up my hands as I ease onto the edge of the bed. “Nothing bad, I promise. Um, would you come sit with me? I”—my throat grows thick, practically choking me—“I want to talk to you about something.”
He waits a beat, then rakes a hand through his hair. “Okay,” he murmurs, an abundance of caution in that one word. He peers at me from the corner of his eye as his brow furrows hard. I hate that I’ve made him anxious because I do see it in his eyes—he’s nervous as fuck. “Maybe you should go ahead and say whatever it is. Good morning, by the way.”
Chewing on the corner of my lip, I wince at his slightly surly attitude. I can’t really blame him, though, as his discomfort right now is my doing. I grab his hand. “I thought it was really sweet of you to offer to stay with Chase last night?—”
His brow arches, jaw working to the side. “But?—?”
“It’s not really a but. I appreciated it. And your actions show me so much.” I suck in a breath, reaching for his hand and squeezing. “This is complicated, Royal. He’s a little boy. He’s only ever met you on FaceTime. I was worried he’d wake up and freak out.” My gaze lowers to our joined hands. “That’s not really what I wanted to discuss, though.” I pause, letting my tongue poke out to wet my lips. “I—” I stop again with a sigh.
“Echo,” he grits out, tugging me up to stand between his legs and taking my breath away with the swift motion. If there’s one thing Royal has always done really well it’s throw me off balance, and that’s exactly what he’s doing now. It’s my guess that he hopes it’ll jar loose whatever words are trapped at the base of my throat. He grips my hips in firm hands, and his fingers dig into my skin. With this change of position, he stares boldly into my eyes, the pale green of his gaze sharp and unrelenting. “Tell me,” he rasps.
A million things tumble through my head at his demand, from the way he knows that if he keeps staring at me, I’ll spill my guts, to how easily I respond to his touch. I heave out a breath. “I’m not ready to tell him who you are yet.” Chase is our baby, but he’s been mine to protect for his entire life.
Royal’s eyes crash shut, blocking me out, and his head dips, those broad, strong shoulders of his sagging with the weight of my request.
“I think the first time you meet him in person shouldn’t be when he finds out you’re his daddy. It’ll confuse him, and I?—”
Fiery green eyes meet mine as his head snaps back up. “I’d never want to do something to upset Chase. Let’s make that clear right now. He—” Exhaling hard, he shakes his head, and I track the rough swallow all the way down his corded throat, unable to read him because of the anguish that masks his features. As my heart accelerates, he coaxes my eyes back to his. “Listen to me. I’d never, ever hurt him.” The gritty raw quality of his voice screams I’ve hit a nerve. “But if you let me, I will be there for him. I will be a father to him. And won’t leave him because I don’t want him to ever think he wasn’t good enough to make me stay.”
A lump fills my throat as tears well in my eyes. “Your parents have no idea what they missed out on. Not a fucking clue.” My chest heaves, and I lean forward with shaking hands to grasp his muscular shoulders as I attempt to maintain some semblance of control, but it’s more and more difficult with every second that passes.
He gathers me to him, our foreheads touching. We do nothing more than breathe together, but each inhalation scorches my insides. I see how deep it cut this man to have missed so much of Chase’s life so far, but even worse, I have a clear vision of how much it’d cost Royal if Chase thought for a second that he was unwanted.
“You told me from the start you wanted to be involved. And with how everything happened, it got all fucked-up.”
He draws in a painful-sounding breath. “Shit happens the way it does for a reason. I don’t blame you anymore. I told you that. No one was looking out for you or Chase.” His eyes bore into mine. “But I’m here to do that now. And eventually—when Chase is ready and not before—I do want him to know I’m his daddy. If you think that’s what’s best for now, we’ll go with it. I can wait.”
My chest stutters, and tears leak down my cheeks. A strangled sound of distress erupts from my lips. I never expected him to respond like this. I thought maybe he’d argue. Or shout. Something.
Instead, he grasps my face in both hands, using his thumbs to wipe away the liquid emotion from my cheeks. “I will defer to you. We’ll do what you think is best. We’re both his parents, but you’re his safe space. You’re the one he trusts.”
It’d be impossible for me to pull away from Royal if I wanted to, and there’s no place for me to run. But that’s okay because I don’t want to hide away from him anymore. I want him to catch me and hold on. My chest grows tight before I whisper the inevitable. “You’re his daddy. I’m not denying that. I never have.” I draw in a gulping breath as I shake my head. “Never. He’ll know. I promise.”
We stare steadily at each other, a whole new understanding growing between us. He releases my face, grasping both hips in his big hands, and tugs me closer to him. “Don’t cry, baby.” His tongue flicks out, collecting an errant tear on the tip before he swipes it over my bottom lip. One second my heart trips, and the next, I fall. We sink into a salty kiss born of desperate needs and heartbroken wants.
“Mama!”
We jerk apart in response to the excited voice of our son, and I spin in Royal’s hold, hurriedly wiping my face of any remaining wetness. The doorknob rattles for a split second, then the door flies open. Chase bursts in, wide-eyed and chipper, running toward me in a slightly unstable, sleepy fashion. “Mama, you home!” His exuberance knows no bounds, but everything comes to a screeching halt when he realizes I’m not alone.
My stomach flips around and drops. Drawing in a quick breath, I hope my voice doesn’t crack as I murmur, “Hey, baby. Come here.” I beckon to him, and despite the fact that he’s a little unsure of whoever is behind me, he races over, hugging my legs and burying his face between them.
Behind me, Royal clears his throat, and his warm hand lands on the small of my back, in a silent show of support. I pivot, easing Chase away from my legs. “Chase, I want you to finally meet someone in per—” And before I can finish, his little body practically shoots into the air. I swear, my hands on his shoulders are the only things preventing him from taking flight.
“Woyal! What you doing wit Mama?” He bounces up and down for several seconds in my hold.
A grin a mile wide spreads across Royal’s face. It’s priceless. “Hi, Chase. I came for a visit. I wanted to meet you. Your mommy said it was okay. Is it okay with you?” His voice is relatively steady, but holy shit. Oh my god, there’s definitely a sheen of tears in his eyes. I’m not imagining it. He draws in a ragged breath.
I squat down, tugging Chase back against me and turning him so I can see his face. “Would it be fun for you to play with Royal this morning?” My gaze flicks to Royal, my brows raised.
“Yeah, I’d love that, Chase. Maybe we can go outside for a while.”
Chase nods excitedly, then before I can stop him, he pulls away from me, stepping closer to Royal with his forefinger tapping his bottom lip. “We go eat Pop-Tawts fiwst?”
Royal laughs. “Um, yeah, we can do that. You like Pop-Tarts?”
The giggle that trips out of Chase’s mouth has me all choked up. I roughly clear my throat. “He does. But he knows he only gets them on Saturday mornings.”
“Noted.” Royal chuckles.
“Come on, Woyal! Yet’s go!” Chase runs to the doorway as fast as his feet will carry him.
Before joining our son on his mad dash downstairs, Royal hooks his hand at the nape of my neck, tipping my head to claim my lips again. He kisses me soft and slow until Chase shouts, “Woyal, you coming?”
I laugh into our kiss as he begins to pull away, then pat his chest. “Welcome to fatherhood, Royal. Your life is no longer your own.”
His eyes burn into mine. “My life is exactly how I fuckin’ want it to be.”