30. JT
Chapter thirty
JT
I hurry out of the house, limping from the pain shooting through my toe. One brave kitchen stool attempted to stop me as I fled from the house, but I’m not one to be deterred when freaking out.
How did me surprising Lila end up as a big surprise for me? Maybe surprises aren’t my thing. Yeah, I should stick to letting people know where I’ll be and when.
I basically run down the hill to the golf club’s restaurant, all the while thinking about what I heard. She’s falling in love with me? I can’t…I don’t know what to do with that. She was never supposed to feel that way about me. I can’t lose focus right now on my game. My dad lectured me for almost an hour after my round today about how I let him and my mom down with my performance. They need first-place money for the investment, and I couldn’t close. Lila might be my good-luck charm, but she’s also a major distraction. All I could think about today was coming home to her, and my round suffered.
I can’t let myself get caught up in my feelings for her.
The shittiest thing is that I might just be starting to fall in love with her too. But I was okay with breaking my own heart if it meant I was able to help my parents without hurting Lila. What am I supposed to do now that there’s no way to avoid breaking her heart?
I try to force myself to think of anything else, but it keeps spiraling back to the conversation I overheard, a second, far less important portion of the conversation popping into my mind. What the heck was she talking about when she said I completely ghosted her for breakfast and then was a complete ass about it? I would certainly remember it if Lila ever asked me to breakfast.
I head straight for the bar as I walk into the restaurant, secretly hoping one of the Harpers will be there to coach me through this mess that is my life. I feel like Kelsey and Ken would be a solid advice combo right now, but I would take any of them at this point. I wouldn’t even turn my nose up at an overly friendly bartender I could work through this with. Unfortunately, as I plop down at the end of the bar, I realize the man two seats down from me is none other than Lila’s date-turned-friend, Matthew Something-or-Another. Perfect. Had to be the one guy whose face I want to smash for no good reason.
“Hey, you’re Lila’s boyfriend, right? JT Johnson?”
“She’s not my girlfriend,” I say gruffly.
He chuckles like there’s something fucking funny about us not dating. “Right. Okay.”
He takes a swallow of the dark amber liquid he’s drinking before turning his attention back to me. “Want a drink?” he asks.
“No,” I say, and he just smirks at my lie. To be fair, I’m sitting at a bar, alone, at night, so it’s not hard to puzzle out that I want a drink.
“Fine,” I sigh. “Whiskey on the rocks, please,” I tell the bartender, and Matthew signals with his finger to indicate that she should put it on his tab.
“I can get my own drink.”
“Did you know this golf course is on land that used to be my grandfather’s ranch?” he asks. “My family ran cattle right here for over a hundred years before my grandpa sold off this part to build the golf course. He negotiated memberships for all his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, living or future, as part of the deal too. Since it’s the closest bar to my house, I tend to end up drinking here when I’m looking to drown my sorrows or to forget.”
I say nothing, nodding my head graciously to the bartender as she drops off my drink.
“Why am I drowning my sorrows? Thanks for asking, JT. It would’ve been a real dick move not to, of course, but you, the guy they tout as the nicest professional golfer in the world, would never be so jealous of a guy who’s friends with your not girlfriend that you’d act like that, right?”
A laugh escapes me even though I desperately don’t want it to.
“Fine. Sorry. I’m having a shit night.”
“Want to talk about it?”
I look at him skeptically because um, yes. I most certainly want to talk about it. But I also just met this guy who went out on a date with Lila like four minutes ago. I’m not sure I can trust him or his advice.
Unfortunately, my mouth has other plans, and without deciding to open up to him, I hear myself saying, “She loves me.”
He just stares at me blankly. “Why is that a problem? Most people want their girlfriends to love them.”
“She’s not my girlfriend!” I practically yell, and am glad it’s just the two of us here. Even the bartender headed to the back, leaving us truly alone.
“Right. You did say that, to be fair to you.”
“Exactly. So she can’t love me.”
“Do you love her?”
“I don’t know.” I drag my hands through my hair. “Maybe?”
“Okay, and are you married?”
“What?” The drink I just took a sip of goes down the wrong pipe, and I start coughing.
Matthew waits until I can breathe again before repeating the question.
“No, I’m not married. Do you think—”
He holds up his hand. “Then why can’t she be your girlfriend? Then you can see if you love her or not.”
“It’s complicated.”
“In my experience, saying it’s complicated is usually just someone’s way of not having to put their heart on the line.”
I take in the man again, sitting in a country club bar instead of in town, all alone with a day-old beard and dark shadows under his eyes.
“Why are you drinking away your sorrows, Matt?” I ask, truly wanting to know the answer.
He takes another long pull of his drink, finishing off the glass. “Because I missed my chance with the girl I love. And now, I have to live every day knowing she’s out there in the arms of another guy and happy. But also knowing she’s not as happy as she could be because there’s not a guy in this fucking world who could make her as happy as I could. And that’s on me. Because I was too afraid to tell her how I felt, and she got tired of waiting around for me to be the guy she deserved. And so finally she left.”
“Shit, man. That sucks. But that. That right there, is why I can’t do this. She will eventually leave. I have to focus on my golf. I have responsibilities and people who rely on me, and she’s going to be at home waiting for me to come back from some tournament or another, and she’s going to leave.”
His eyes flare in annoyance at that. “If you really think so little of her, then you’re right. You shouldn’t pursue her.”
“What? I think Lila is fucking amazing.”
“And yet you also think she’s so flighty, so weak that she’s just going to give up because you have a job where you have to travel a lot?”
“It’s not about that. It’s about my priorities. I’ve made people sacrifice for me, give up their dreams for me, their whole life. And I’m not worth it. She’ll realize I’m not worth it and will leave.”
“No. You don’t get it. The girl I love, she didn’t leave me because I wasn’t good enough. I always had the potential to be the guy she wanted. Shit, I was the guy she wanted, I just wasn’t able to believe I could be that guy forever. So I always left the door open, giving her out after out so she wouldn’t be stuck with me. But all she ever wanted was for me to be willing to take a risk on us. For me to say, yes, she is it. It might be hard sometimes, but she’s worth it— we are worth it .”
Matthew shakes his head. “She left me because I wasn’t willing to fight for her—for us . I didn’t show up when it mattered, and I didn’t make her feel like she was my everything. It wasn’t about being ‘worth’ anything—it was about proving to her that I was willing to risk both of our hearts. But I didn’t, and that’s why I lost her.”
“I…shit. I have to go,” I say, throwing a handful of bills down on the bar next to my glass, his words hitting me hard because, deep down, I know they’re true. I am so scared of Lila leaving me because she has to sacrifice too much to be with me that I am shoving her out the door myself.
“Good luck,” he says, offering me a toast with his glass as I practically sprint out of the doors and back up the path to our house.
***
The door slams shut behind me as I come to a gasping stop inside our room. Lila sits up in bed, startled by my sudden appearance. Her face breaks into a full smile, and I realize maybe I’m not a sacrifice for her. Maybe I’m part of her dreams.
She hops out of bed, and I’m knocked speechless by the sight of her in a black little pajama dress. She walks over to me, and I pull her into a hug.
“Nice work this weekend,” she says, and that’s it. Nothing about how I could’ve gotten first. Nothing about how this impacts her. Just a kind comment.
“I missed you,” I say.
“I missed you too.” She tilts her mouth up, pursing her lips as she silently asks for a kiss.
I oblige, covering her mouth with my own, my heart increasing its pace as she melts against me. My hands move over the silky fabric she has on, skimming the curves of her body.
I paint a line of kisses along her jaw and up to the hollow behind her ear. I reach the sensitive spot, and she digs her fingers into my hair. Her nails scratch against my scalp, and I swear it’s like someone is pouring champagne directly into my bloodstream—my head is spinning with a bubbly rush.
“I want you,” I whisper, sliding my hands down her back to rest lightly on the swell of her ass, my thumbs gently passing back and forth over the top of the muscles there.
“Take me, then,” she says, and I realize I wasn’t clear enough. She doesn’t understand I’m trying to tell her I don’t just want to give in to this undeniable physical chemistry between us, but I want all of her: her heart, her mind, her soul.
Before I work up the courage to speak, her teeth graze my ear and everything in me squeezes with need.
As much as I love the way she looks and feels in that little black dress, it’s got to go. I hook my finger under the hem, and Lila raises her arms above her, allowing me to slowly peel it off, exposing her bare flesh. She shivers as the cool air hits her sensitive skin, and I shift her hair over her shoulder, my lips making the journey from her collarbone, down the curve of her breast, and to the peak of her nipple. At the contact, she lets out a breathy moan. The sound pulls all thought from my body except for my need to join with hers and wring that noise from her again and again.
I’m desperate for her, all but coming apart from simply kissing her skin. I realize how ridiculous I was for thinking I could walk away from this after just three weeks. I need her like the grass needs water, like the waves need the moon. I move my attention back to her lips, my hands roaming over her smooth form. Lila deepens our kiss, her tongue stroking mine, our bodies connected. I let out a desperate groan as I feel Lila’s heart beating a furious rhythm, just as ready for this as I am. I pick her up, moving her back onto the bed and stepping between her thighs. My fingertips trace the bottom edge of her silky black underwear, a demon incarnate. I skate my fingertips higher as she wraps her legs around my waist.
“I want you so bad it hurts,” I whisper.
“Then have me,” she commands, lifting her hips and pulling her underwear off.
“Hey,” I say, kissing my way down her bare stomach. “That was my job.”
She chuckles, and I make my way back to her mouth, pausing to nibble on each rosy bud as I go past. She arches her back, and I pin her with my hips, the feel of her against my arousal making me moan as I automatically grind myself into her.
She fists my hair, pulling my mouth roughly against hers. I need to shed every article of clothing that I have on right now.
Drawing back, I look at Lila spread out before me on our bed. Her dark hair is splayed out behind her head, her green eyes are glassy with lust, her chest is heaving, and I’ve never seen anything as beautiful in my entire life.
I strip quickly, discarding my clothes into the corner. As I undress, I can feel Lila’s eyes on me, moving over my chest and abs. She grins mischievously as she takes in my hard cock raised in a salute to this amazing woman who has us both bewitched. The smile undoes me, and I climb over her, settling my knees on either side of her body before quickly rolling on the condom I grabbed. I lower down slowly, catching her bottom lip between my teeth before plunging my cock into her.
Lila gasps slightly as I slowly drive every inch of me between her legs. She clutches the back of my neck, thrusting her hips up to meet mine, causing me to bottom out on a groan. I hover above her as she’s spread out on the bed, making sure I keep most of my weight off her so I don’t crush her small body.
I move at a steady pace, sliding into her again and again. As a powerful orgasm starts to build at the base of my spine, I reach between her legs, giving Lila the friction I knows she so desperately needs. Her breath quickens, her eyes fluttering closed with each heartbeat.
“Look at me, Lila,” I beg, needing to connect with her, to know she is here with me in this moment.
Her brilliant eyes snap to mine, the hunger in them reaching out to steal the very essence of my soul. I drive into her again, her mouth meeting mine as her legs tighten around my hips.
Lila cries out, her walls squeezing around me, her pleasure written across her face. Unable to do anything but follow her to my ruin, I come with her, burying my face into her neck as my orgasm rampages through me.
I’m exhausted and so damn happy. I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head. As I’m about to fall asleep, I remember her friend’s comment from earlier.
“Hey, Pip?” I ask.
“Yeah?” she replies groggily from her place in the crook of my shoulder, and I realize now is not the time. But I will find out how I hurt her, and I will make it right. I’ll also figure out a way to tell her I want this to be more than just a roommates-with-benefits situation for a couple of weeks. I want to do this for real.
“Thanks,” I say instead, leaning down and kissing her forehead, hoping somehow the simple gesture conveys I’m not just thanking her for the sex, but for supporting me, for caring about me…for loving me.