12. BEAUDEN
TWELVE
BEAUDEN
“What the hell, Beauden?” Breigh’s angry voice spills from my phone, and I hold it away from my ear as I turn the volume down.
“Good morning to you too,” I say, though I’m sure my tone lets her know I’m in anything but a good mood.
I still have ten days off before me and my crew head back out for another deployment, but part of me is itching to go now. This time of year, when the wind is warm, the nights are cool, and half the country is a tinderbox just waiting to go up in flames, we have our hands full fighting blazes.
Every fire is different. There’s no telling where we’ll end up from one deployment to the next. And the work is hot and hard. But it’s still easier than facing the reality of losing Nixie again.
Not that I ever really got her back.
Breigh huffs on the other end of the line. “Tell me you are not this big of an idiot.”
I grind my teeth. I knew the second I saw her name pop up on my phone that she’d talked to Nixie. We swapped numbers when I moved back to town a couple of years ago, but she hasn’t called me even once since then.
When I don’t respond, she adds, “She’s leaving town. You know that, right?”
“I am aware,” I bite out, and it feels like someone is holding my heart in their fist and squeezing.
“And you’re just going to let her go?” I can hear the disbelief in her voice.
Honestly, I know how she feels. I’ve been at war with myself since the moment Nixie and I bumped into each other at the bar. That was all it took to wrench me back in time and remind me how much I was missing her in my life.
But I’m not sure she wants anything to do with me.
“She didn’t really give me the impression that she has any interest in staying,” I say.
“So you are that big of an idiot.”
Heat crawls up my neck and tingles across my scalp. “You think you know what happened between us, but you don’t.”
“I don’t need to. All I need to know is that Nixie was in tears this morning, and it’s your fault.”
The fist crushing my heart tightens, but before I can muster a response, she goes on.
“Do you think I gave her your number by mistake? Or because I didn’t know anyone else who would help her?
” I can almost hear her shaking her head.
“Pull your head out of the sand, Beauden. That woman never stopped loving you. She might not have realized it until last night, but she does now, and it is tearing her up.”
It doesn’t matter whether she still loves me. What matters is that she gave up on me.
The second the thought enters my head, I know it’s wrong. It’s a lie I’ve told myself a thousand times, because the truth makes me sick to my stomach. I was the one who failed her. I was the one who didn’t call. And by the time I did, she was already gone.
Still, she could have said something. Anything.
Unless she did. What if the way she softened toward me this morning was her telling me? What if that hesitation before she left was Nixie’s way of putting herself out there?
“Beauden?” Breigh’s voice cuts through my thoughts like a blade.
“What did she say?” I ask, my throat tight.
“A bunch of stuff she doesn’t mean. And some she does.
I can’t tell you. That would be breaking the bestie confidentiality clause— which I’m already crossing the line big time just by calling you.
” She pauses. “You know what, never mind. Be a dumbass. Lose her again. She’s got me and Tiberius, and eventually she’ll find someone who actually deserves her. ”
She lets her words hang, and I feel the weight of them in my whole body.
Wasn’t that what I was trying to prove when I left for the Army? That I was good enough for Nixie?
And now, I know I would be good for her. I would love her to the end of the Earth. Come hell or high water. And every other eternal cliché I can think of. I would give anything to have another chance with her.
I just need my ego to get the hell out of my way.
“When is she leaving?” The question comes out in nearly a growl, but it doesn’t phase Breigh.
“She’s headed across town to finalize some estate paperwork, then she’s gone.”
That gives me, what? Twenty minutes? Thirty at most?
Shit.
“Thanks for the heads up,” I say, and despite my tone, I mean it.
“Does that mean you’re going to go get her?”
“I’m going to try.”
“You’ve gotta do better than that, Beauden. This is Nixie we’re talking about.”
“I know.” I hang up, call Jace, and tell him what’s happening.
Within twenty minutes, there’s six of us, all from my crew, all in our personal vehicles blocking the road leading out of Black Timber Peak.
I get out of my truck and move to stand in front of it, my nerves on fire.
Jace saunters up a few seconds later. “You sure about this?”
“Yes.”
No.
Because I have no idea what to say to convince Nixie to give me another chance. I’ve been trying to run through the coming conversation in my head, but when I think about seeing her, all I see is that moment on the trail— when she turned around and realized I was the one who showed up to help her.
The disappointment painted across her delicate features, damn near knocked the wind out of me. And now I’m out here bracing for round two.
But what if it wasn’t really disappointment? What if it was just a mask? A shield she’s been holding up to protect herself?
“What are you going to say?” he asks, his expression serious.
I shake my head. “No fucking clue.”
He chuckles low. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out, assuming she shows up before Sheriff Dunning does.”
“To hell with the sheriff.”
Jace pats me on the shoulder. “That’s the spirit. A little advice for when she gets here, try not to say anything dumb. Women hate that.” With that utterly unhelpful line, he heads back to wait at his truck.
What we’re doing, blocking the road, is technically illegal, but this was the only way I could think of to stop her on short notice. I have a feeling if she makes it back to the city, she’ll close herself up in her life there and never let me back in.
I won’t let that happen.
Every second that ticks by with the asphalt under my feet and the guys I work with chattering behind me feels like a lifetime, but the universe doesn’t drag out my misery for too long.
Nixie’s car rolls to a stop at least twenty yards from where we’ve got the road blocked, the brakes squeaking lightly, and I see the moment Nixie realizes what’s happening. Her brow pinches. She presses her lips together.
I close half the distance between us. It’s up to me to put myself on the line, but she’s got to be the one to get out of the car.
Only she doesn’t.
At least, not until Tiberius bails out the open back window like a rowdy toddler and charges straight at me with his golden fur flying.
Nixie throws her car door open. “Tiberius! Stop! Ty. What the hell, dog!”
It’s like he can’t even hear her. He barrels into my legs, wiggling and tail wagging.
“Thanks, big guy,” I whisper through a smile as I reach down to pet him.
He bumps my hand with his nose like we planned this little moment together, then sits down at my feet.
Nixie stops a few feet away, glaring at Tiberius. “Traitor.”
I scratch Tiberius behind the ear. “She doesn’t mean that.”
That glare turns my way, only this time, it steals my breath for a different reason. It’s not disappointment coloring her expression. It’s hesitation. Uncertainty.
She plants her hands on her hips. “What do you want, Beauden?”
“You,” I say.
She bites the inside of her lip and gives her head a little shake. I don’t know what it means, but I know I’m not done.
“It’s always been you. I fell for you back when we were just kids.
Hard. And I know how badly I fucked up back then.
I should’ve called. I wanted to call, every goddamn day, but I thought hearing your voice would be too hard.
” The truth pours out of me like a dam breaking.
“It never occurred to me what my silence would do to you. I was young and dumb, and I had something to prove to myself. And like a fool, I thought you’d wait for me even when I didn’t give you a single reason to stay. ”
Nixie’s chin trembles. Tears glitter in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry.” I take a step toward her, and her eyes stay locked on mine. “Losing you —hurting you— was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”
She doesn’t move a muscle, so I take another step, and another. Slow and steady. Giving her all the space she needs to back away. I stop when I’m close enough to reach out and touch her, and even though my hands are itching to do just that, I hold back.
If she wants this and if she wants me, she has to make that choice. I’m not going to cloud her judgment with a kiss like I did in the cabin. No matter how much I want to.
It’s all I can do to keep my hands at my side instead of reaching for her. My palms burn to touch her again. My entire body aches to pull her into my arms and never let go. I tremble with the need, but I’ll wait for her.
She stares at me. Tears spill down her cheeks, but she doesn’t try to hide them or wipe them away. She’s letting me see her pain, and it’s a dagger straight to my heart.
Nixie gives her head a little shake. “It would be so much easier to hate you right now.”
“I know.”
She closes her eyes for a beat, and when she opens them, it’s like my whole world expands around her.
The tentative hope.
The vulnerability.
It says so much more than words.
“Give me another chance, Nixie. I swear, I will never let you down again.”
Her gaze searches mine. “How would that even work? We have completely different lives.”
“We’ll make it work. You can move here, or I can move to the city. Or I heard of a job opening in Storm Canyon near Denver, somewhere that’s completely new to both of us. I really don’t care about the where… I just want you and to be with you.”
“Beauden,” she whispers my name, fresh tears spilling down her flushed cheeks. She tips her face to the sky, and for one gut-wrenching second, I’m sure she’s going to say no.
But then she looks at me with fire in her eyes and takes that last step, closing the distance between us.
“One chance,” is all she says.
Excitement explodes in my chest, and I can’t stop myself. I cradle her face in my hands, and just before I kiss her, I say the words I’ve been dying to say to her for years, “I never stopped loving you, Nixie.”
The kiss is nothing like the one in the cabin. It’s still raw, still aching, but there’s nothing frantic about it. No clashing teeth. No biting lips. Just understanding.
Behind us, the guys on my crew start hollering and honking their horns like the menaces they are.
Nixie pulls back with a watery laugh, then buries her face in my chest. “I love you too.”