Chapter 36
JAMES
I fucking loved sucking cock. And being bossed about, and having my hair pulled. And, well, the other stuff which I still find embarrassing to even think about, let alone write down. God knows what our electric bill was for all the washing I did, but Edwin didn’t care. He simply wanted me happy.
And I was, kind of. It was really fucking hard to let the bad thoughts come and then make a conscious effort to override them the way Dalziel had suggested.
But it did usually work. Cormack was gone.
He could never hurt me again. Edwin and Trace had never once done anything remotely frightening — even when I’d panicked — and had been the perfect examples of men I could and should hang about with.
Bursting into tears like some kind of saddo shook me that first time.
I’d gone in search of food after my shower, then it hit like a brick to the face while Trace was slicing cheese for my toastie.
Edwin said it was probably sub drop, something else I’d had to Google.
He beat himself up for not giving me more aftercare, but Trace said we should stop being negative, learn from it, and move forward.
Suited me. I didn’t like the fussing, although I never minded a cuddle.
Weird to think how I avoided most forms of physical contact growing up as they so often ended with a punch, or knocking the ‘deaf kid’ into a wall or something, but now I sought out hugs from these two.
Cuddle slut was another term I’d recently learned.
When it came to my guys, it was me to a T.
I still wanted to get laid though. Wanted so badly to slide my cock into Edwin the way Trace did and watch his face contort in ecstasy. Wanted to do the same to Trace. Dreamed about it.
But I wasn’t there.
Yet.