Chapter 9 Zeke #2
I got off the bed and started to pace the room. “It’s more than a crush. It’s intense. He beat me to a pulp yesterday, and all I could think of was how fucking hot he looked standing over me when it was over.”
“Whoa. Hold on. He attacked you?”
“No, wait—”
“Where are you? I’m going to get Ajax, Hector, and Perseus and we’ll be there in less than an hour.”
“Stop!” The problem with being the baby of the family was everyone thought they needed to save me. “We were training. He got carried away and stopped as soon as he realized I was winded.”
“Does Dad know?”
She was still too amped up. “No, and you’re not going to tell him. Or Ajax, Hector, or Perseus. I don’t need that kind of help.”
“So he beats you sore, and you lick his hand like a hurt puppy.”
I knew this was what I’d get from her, so I fought down my irritation. “Normally, I’d laugh with you, B, but this is serious. What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Habibi. Have you seen the guy? I’d climb that tree any day of the week.”
“Brenda!” I couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled up, her trademark crassness simultaneously horrifying and comforting me. “Could you be serious for like, two seconds?”
“Oh, I’m dead serious,” she said cheerfully. “There are only a few angels who play exclusively on your team that I wish played on mine, or at least both. You’ve got good taste, little brother.”
Chuckling under my breath, I shook my head. I called her because she’d inject some levity, but she also gave me good advice. “That’s just it, I can’t act on it. Not now. It would jeopardize everything.”
“You’re right, it could make things complicated,” Brenda said soberly. “But Zeke, you know me—I’m the last person to lecture anyone on following their heart.”
Sighing heavily, I sank back on the bed.
I hadn’t called hoping she’d say go for it.
Or maybe I knew deep down, she’d give me license to do what I really wanted.
“Right, but Orion’s not the most open, emotionally available guy.
And even if he was, getting involved with him is a huge risk, isn’t it?
We can’t afford any distractions on this mission. ”
“That’s the smart, logical way of looking at it,” Brenda mused. “But when did we Mastersons strictly follow logic when it comes to matters of the heart?”
She made a fair point. Our family, starting with Mom and Dad, had thrown caution to the wind for love. No one was immune, not even the strongest among us. But was this love? “I’ve known him three days, B. This is barely a crush.”
“I’m not saying jump his bones and hang the consequences,” she said in a slightly reproachful tone.
“Just don’t shut those feelings out completely, Habibi.
Give them a bit of space to breathe and see where they lead.
Who knows? By the time all this is over, you both might realize you’re perfect for each other. ”
I smiled wistfully, wishing I could view things through her romantic, optimistic lens.
“I want to keep an open heart, I do. But how can I do that without letting it completely consume me? These feelings for Orion are already so intense, so distracting. If I give them any oxygen at all, I’m afraid they’ll take over and jeopardize everything. ”
Brenda was silent for a long moment. “That’s a valid concern,” she said finally. “Having an all-consuming crush could absolutely make it harder to stay focused on your mission. Can you try to compartmentalize?”
I snorted. She of all people knew how hard that was. “Have you met me? Better, have you looked in the mirror? Once you or I lock onto something, it can’t be shoved in a box.”
“Fair point,” she conceded. “Okay, how about this—make a rule for yourself. Only allow yourself to think about Orion, like really lean into those feelings, for one hour a day. The rest of the time, lock it down and concentrate fully on the mission.”
Frowning, I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see me. That might have been the stupidest advice Brenda had ever given me. “I don’t know. Turning it off like a switch sounds damn near impossible.”
“Okay, new approach.” I could hear her mind working over the line.
“When you get hit with the feels for Chef Hotcakes, take a few minutes to bask in it. Let yourself fully ride that wave of desire and tenderness and whatever other feels you’re feeling.
But then, once that time is up, refocus.
Don’t suppress it, just acknowledge it, then put it on pause until you can give it your full attention again. ”
I started to protest, but then her words sank in.
That was kind of what I’d been doing already.
I let myself enjoy the heady swirl of emotions for Orion in quiet moments.
Things like cooking him breakfast, or watching him across the table, or even staring up at him when he helped me up were things that consumed me in the moment, but then I forced my concentration back to the mission.
Could it be that simple? Not denying the feelings entirely but spreading them out. Giving them time and space to exist alongside my responsibilities, rather than consuming me whole.
Brenda seemed to read the shift in my silence. “You can’t bottle this up forever, Zeke,” she said, more gently now. “Nor should you. That’s a surefire way to get yourself derailed.”
Somehow she’d walked me around, without telling me she was doing it. Again. “Indulge it in pieces. Let myself feel it fully for brief moments, then refocus. And if it’s meant to be, we might end up more. Eventually.”
“Eventually. But you need to find the courage to raise it with the man himself,” Brenda said. “He might shoot you down, and that will hurt like a son of a bitch, but at least you’d know. It would cease to be this insidious distraction whirring in the back of your mind.”
I let out a long exhale, a surprising sense of clarity settling over me. “You’re right. As terrifying as that possibility is, it’s better than living in limbo forever.”
“Exactly.” Her smile resonated in her voice. “So feel your feels, baby bro. Let them breathe when you can. And when the time is right, be brave enough to let them run their course, one way or another.”
“Thanks.” The word felt wholly inadequate for the gratitude washing over me, but she would understand. “I’ve got a plan now, and it reminds me why I always ask for B’s world-famous advice.”
“Damn straight,” she laughed. “Now go get ‘em. And for god’s sake, use protection!”
I rolled my eyes at her crudeness, the familiar snark grounding me as I pocketed my phone. My sister’s wisdom pointed me to a path forward. It wasn’t everything I wanted, but it felt right.
It would be a tightrope walk to be sure. But Brenda was right—the alternative of battling my emotions into submission was far more dangerous. At least this way, I could ride the wave as it came, fully embracing the depths of my heart without losing myself entirely.
With a steadying breath, I straightened my shoulders and went to take a shower. This new path wouldn’t be easy, but I could do it. All of it.