Chapter 12 Orion
Orion
My feet pounded against the pavement as I ran through the quiet suburban neighborhood surrounding the safe house. The late afternoon sunlight cast long shadows across the pristine lawns and tidy houses. An outward facade of tranquility belied the roiling tempest brewing inside me.
It had been a tense, emotional afternoon. After Zeke and I had our heart-to-heart, I had hope we’d take it further. I had doubts, but not about Zeke. Then Hell’s gates opened, and my personal demon returned.
How could Lael be behind these Drevlin machines? What could he hope to accomplish? Why would he traffic in such foul technology? These questions and more ricocheted through my brain like shrapnel.
Had he been planning this for decades while still with me? Was our entire relationship built on deception and betrayal? The possibility twisted like a dagger in my gut. I couldn’t bear the thought of having been so blind, so thoroughly duped by the person I loved more than anything.
And yet, how did the alternative make me feel any better? If Lael’s defection was more recent, did that mean our centuries together had rotted his soul and poisoned it over time? Was it my failure that turned his love into the hatred fueling his vengeance against Michael and the others?
My chest burned, but not from the exercise.
My legs pumped harder in a futile attempt to escape the past. No matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t leave behind what had happened and punch through to the present.
The stricken look on Zeke’s face as the truth about Lael dawned on him created a barrier I couldn’t breach.
He’d helped me move closer to healing, only to see it crumble when my prior life crashed into us.
The sting of shame mingled with the sweat in my eyes. Zeke didn’t deserve my withdrawal. Not after the vulnerability he’d shown in sharing his own romantic scars with me. I wanted to help him grow, help us grow, but instead I shut him out when things got difficult.
But it was more than that. My heart recognized the depth of feelings I’d begun developing for Zeke. That relentless tide of yearning and affection I’d been battling to keep at bay threatened to consume me completely.
Zeke awakened parts of my soul I thought died when Lael left, but in truth they’d gone dormant centuries before that horrible day.
I craved his kindness and compassion, his will to help, and his upbeat outlook.
Zeke had this way about him that cut straight through the darkness inside, bathing the withered bits of my heart in a rejuvenating light.
My fears, however, held me back. I was terrified to let myself love Zeke as fiercely as my heart demanded. I’d scaled the heights love allowed, only to be hammered by pain I couldn’t stop when it shredded apart. I didn’t think my soul could withstand a second rending.
Slowing to a walk, I wiped the perspiration from my brow. I needed clarity and a reasonable voice to guide me before I self-destructed again. After seventy years of isolation, I’d pushed away most everyone who mattered. Who was left?
I nearly abandoned the idea when the realization struck me that those closest to me hadn’t turned their backs. I had. If I could handle the shame, those who loved me before would help me heal.
Pivoting, I moved into an open field, and ran toward a small grove of trees. Away from prying eyes, I tapped my watch and sent out a long-overdue cry for help.
The seconds felt like hours as I waited in anxious fear for him to answer. When his smiling face appeared above my watch, I felt hopeful for the first time in decades.
“Ori? I’ll be fucking damned.” His entire body materialized in front of me. “Are you okay?”
Same old Ajax: first greet, then inquire. “Yeah, I’m okay. Okay, no, I’m not really. I need to talk to . . . I need to talk to you.”
“‘Bout fucking time you remembered I’d always be here for you.”
Everyone had said it, but Ajax and I had been friends since Ares took me in. It was on me that we’d grown apart. “I was hoping you still felt that way.”
“As if there’d ever be a doubt. What’s wrong?”
I stared at Jax’s image and was struck by how Zeke looked nothing like his oldest brother.
Ajax looked like his father, and because neither of them aged, they were often confused for brothers.
“I’m sure you’ve heard I’m in Minnesota with Zeke tracking down suspected Drevlin energy signals.
Your brother’s brilliant, you know. He figured out how to find the source. ”
“No surprise, Nugget has always been a nerd.”
Nugget? I had the feeling Zeke would not enjoy hearing Jax shared his childhood nickname with me. “Lael’s the one behind it all.”
“Holy shitballs, Ori. Are you okay?”
Jax’s expletives changed over the centuries, but they were always colorful. His question, however, was vague enough it gave me the opening I needed. “It’s complicated.”
“I’m sure. Tell me.”
Poor angel. First time in seventy years I’d reach out and I was going to rattle him in ways he hadn’t imagined. I took a deep breath and launched into recounting the shock of learning Lael was at the center of the illegal use of Drevlin technology.
Then I had to move on to the real purpose of the call.
“For seventy years, I let his betrayal control me, just like he had when we were together. It took years to overcome my broken heart. Yeah, I know he wasn’t always a good person, but right up until the end, I thought I could love him back into the person I thought he was when we met.”
“The key word there is ‘thought.’ He never was that person.”
Right after Lael left, people told me the same thing, and I didn’t want to hear it.
Even a decade ago, I wouldn’t have believed them.
The last ten years I’d come to realize the truth, but by then I’d descended into self-recrimination.
“I know, but I couldn’t forgive myself. I told myself I should’ve seen the real Lael sooner.
That’s what haunts me most. If I couldn’t see the rot setting in back then, how can I be sure of anything? ”
“You can’t blame yourself for someone else’s bad decisions.”
“The worst part was I let him control me even after he left. For seventy years, I couldn’t move past him.”
“Damn, Ori. That’s some seriously fucked up shit, even for the likes of us.”
Jax was never a poet, but he could sum up a situation. “Learning it was him was a shock, but I’ve been over him for fifty years. This reinforces how stupid I was all those centuries.”
Ajax was silent for a long time, then he looked me in the eye. “I’m not gonna pretend I ever approved of Lael. We both know I had my issues with that guy from day one. But I’m damn glad to hear you’re over him.”
Meeting his steely gaze, I felt a swell of gratitude for Ajax’s steadfast friendship and support. No matter how much time passed, he’d remained loyal, ready to back me up even when my vision was clouded.
“That’s only half the problem.” I scrubbed my face with my hands. “I have feelings for Zeke.”
Ajax made a strangled gurgle of surprise but never took his eyes off me. “Nugget? You’re into Zeke?”
His disbelief threatened to sap my resolve, but I remembered the look of defeat on Zeke’s face when I said I needed some time to think.
If I wanted to be worthy of his love, I needed to face my past and grab my future.
“Yes. It’s not crazy, Jax. I’m not crazy.
Zeke is the last piece I need to reclaim who I was.
He woke up parts of me Lael shut down. In four days he’s done more kind things for me than Lael did in a century.
And they were all sincere. He didn’t do anything to impress me. It’s who he is at his core.”
Jax almost always trusted his gut. He gave you his unfiltered opinion on whatever you were discussing. His silence worried me. He paced the room until he turned and faced me. “Don’t do anything with Zeke unless you’re sure. Not just about your feelings but your commitment to seeing it through.”
My head pounded with the sheer mass of his existential words.
Could I give myself fully to Zeke without fear of collapse?
To not just love him but trust in that love, even in the face of whatever storms threatened to tear us asunder?
The only answer I had was a will to try.
“I understand, Jax. Why do you think we’re talking? ”
“Do you, though?” Ajax pressed. “Because if you go down this path with Zeke, you damn well better be all in. And that means being honest with him. No more compromising who you are just to please someone. He’s not Lael.”
I searched his familiar features, finding nothing but an open well of empathy and concern. He loved Zeke, but he also loved me the same way. This wasn’t just about his baby brother.
“I know he’s not. Zeke is more concerned about me than his own happiness. It took me by surprise.”
Silence reigned for several beats, the connection fraught with unspoken understanding. At last, Ajax let out a weighty sigh.
“Look man, I love you like family. We all do. But Zeke’s different.
He’s like Mom, and everyone loves her. You hurt Zeke because you didn’t think this through and I’m coming for you.
Me, Perseus, and Hector. And you’d better hope we don’t bring Brenda or Mom.
I’m not saying that as a threat, I’m just reminding you of what you’d lose if you play around with Zeke’s heart.
Take it if he’s offering it, but only if you can give yours back in return fully and completely.
If you can’t, then tell him the truth. He won’t like it, but he’ll respect you for your honesty. ”
My chest felt tight, and it was hard to breathe. The warning was as much to guard Zeke as it was me. He wanted us both to be happy. “I’ll talk to him. I know what I want; I need to be sure he knows what he’s getting in return.”
“That’s all any of us can do, Ori. Zeke’s ten times smarter than either of us and twice as intuitive. If he offers you his heart, he already knows you’re worth it.”