Eleven #2
I huff and lay beside her, pulling Logan with me, being careful not to wake him.
Once I have him settled across my chest and covered with a blanket, I sigh.
The twinge in my ass is gone. It’s been four days and I hate that I can’t feel him anymore.
But I don’t tell her that or anything about Owen.
I keep that information to myself. Something that’s just for me.
“I’ve been looking at what kinds of programs can help me get my identifying information,” I tell her. “So I can get an ID. Then maybe I can get an actual job.”
She turns her head and grins. “That’s great, Zak!”
I nod. She’s kind enough not to point out the fact that I don’t even have a high school diploma or a GED, so my pickings are going to be absolute shit. But once I have a job, I can work on getting money together for my GED.
I figure I’m going to remain homeless for a very fucking long time. I’m not sure I’m ever going to find somewhere to call mine. It feels like everything in this world is stacked against me.
But I’m going to try.
Visions of Owen flash before my eyes. I’m never going to claw my way into the world he comes from. I’ll never truly be up to his caliber and class. But if I can just get a little closer…
“I’m running out of money, Zak,” Clarinda says quietly.
I look at her. This has always been a question of mine. Always. How the fuck does she keep this household running? “Clarinda, where do you get the money from?”
She gives me a bemused look and then sighs.
“My grandmother. When she was alive, she was always slipping me money. When she died, she gave me a card that accessed a bank account that wasn’t in her name and couldn’t be accessed by debt sharks or whatever.
But I’m going to run out soon. In the next few months. ”
“Ah,” I say. “I always wondered.”
Clarinda nods. “What happens when the rent stops being paid? When I can’t keep the heat on?
When I can no longer feed them? They’re going to be split up if CPS takes them.
No one is going to take six siblings. And then there’s the very likely possibility that the place they end up will be a different kind of horror. How can I protect them from that?!”
I grip her hand and hug Logan a little tighter with one arm. There’s no answer I can offer. Nothing at all.
“I’m afraid, and I don’t know what to do.”
“I know,” I say, gripping her hand as tightly as she is mine. It’s the same fear I understand, but from a very different perspective. “I wish I had an answer for you.”
Clarinda takes a deep breath. “Thanks for your help tonight. I appreciate it.”
“Just so you know, Dante sees the signs already. He’s afraid you’re all going to end up like me.”
She winces. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know he expressed that?—”
“Don’t be,” I interrupt. “He’s a smart kid. And he wants to help. I know you try not to let them do anything so they don’t worry, but Clarinda, they see what’s going on. I think maybe you need to talk to them sooner rather than later.”
Before it’s too late.
I can’t bring myself to say those words, though.
“I know. All I’ve wanted is to provide them with the childhood I didn’t have. It makes me sick that I can’t do that.”
“You might not believe this, but you’re doing great. You really are.”
She smiles, tears in her eyes. “Thanks, Zak.”
* * *
The next morning, I trudge my way back to Gravity’s on a new mission. Clarinda’s mother still isn’t home, and Danielle snuck out in the middle of the night. Clarinda didn’t acknowledge either before I kissed her cheek and left after breakfast.
My three friends don’t live too far apart. Clarinda and Edgar live the closest to each other and I can get between their homes within twenty-five minutes. But Gravity lives an hour away. Sometimes longer depending on weather and the amount of pedestrians on the streets.
When I push his door open, he’s just on his way by and pauses.
“Hey,” Gravity says, smiling as I step inside.
“Hey. Can I use your phone?” I stomp my boots outside his door before I make my way in and chuck off the many layers of clothing.
“Yeah, of course. What’s wrong?”
“Clarinda’s going to lose the kids and apartment. She’s almost out of money.”
Gravity sighs. “I keep trying to help her, but she refuses to let me. Sometimes I send her food deliveries anonymously, but I’m not so dumb as to think she hasn’t figured it out.”
“The thing is, I don’t think even you could support that entire household. And you shouldn’t have to.”
“So… what are you going to do?” he asks, eyeing me suspiciously.
As he should be, and I totally understand. It’s not like I have anything to give her. But I know someone who does. I hold out my hand for his phone. He hands it over without question and I dial.
It rings twice before there’s an answer. “Gravity,” my aunt says. “What’s happened? What’s wrong with my nephew?”
I smile at the severe sound in her voice and lean back in the couch. “Hey, Auntie. It’s me.”
“Ah, my baby.” Her tone changes completely into a tone she’s always reserved for me. “How are you?”
“Good, Auntie. I uh… I have a favor and it’s kind of big.”
“Ask, child. Whatever you need, it’s yours.”
The thing is, I know she’s telling me the truth. She would give me anything. But I will never take it for myself. My parents should have fucking raised me instead of forcing me to take charity from someone who truly had absolutely no obligations to me at all.
Sometimes, the thought that even my parents didn’t want me, so I must be a piece of shit, floods my mind. Maybe I set myself up for failure because of these toxic thoughts. I don’t know.
Taking a deep breath, I tell my aunt about Clarinda’s situation.