Fifteen
ZAK
There’s a strange heat wave in the city on March first. It’s nearly fifty degrees out which means the streets look like rivers from the melting snow.
When I step into Clarinda’s brownstone, I have to quickly duck into the staircase as the movers go by with the sofa.
Once my path is clear, I slip inside the nearly empty apartment.
I’m here to pick up Logan and take him out for the day while Clarinda gets their new place all set up. She was in tears when I brought my aunt by and Auntie Faith swooped in to rescue another family like she did me.
Of course, once Auntie left, Clarinda hit me for going behind her back. Yelled at me for overstepping. And then hugged me fiercely for helping her keep her siblings.
Logan bounds into my arms excitedly. It isn’t often that I take any of the kids. I come over frequently but I rarely take them out. “Logy!” I say and swing him around.
Clarinda is taping a box on the counter and turns to me with a wide smile.
“He’s got some allowance in his pocket,” Clarinda says and Logan’s face lights up as he tries to tuck his little hand into his even smaller pocket.
“Make sure you let him pay for his lunch. He’s so damn excited to hand over cash. ”
“Just wait,” I tell Logan, throwing the backpack with his care kit inside. The twins refuse to let us call them diaper bags anymore since no one wears diapers. As a family, they decided on care kits. It was fucking adorable. “It gets far less exciting when you get older.”
Clarinda snorted. “No kidding.”
“The others already off?” I ask.
“Yep. Gravity picked up the twins an hour ago. Edgar had Dante and Janessa overnight. You sure you can make it back to the new place later?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, mom.”
She laughs. “I’m just asking. I was just given allowance too.”
Her eyes sparkle with mirth. That meant Auntie handed out some money before she left.
A hush falls over the apartment and Logan wraps an arm around my leg. I look up to see Danielle in the door. She’s shuffled to the side when the movers come back in and go for the table and chairs.
I can tell by the terrified look on Danielle’s face that she has no idea what’s going on.
“What happened?” she asks as soon as they leave with this load of furniture.
“We’re moving,” Clarinda says. “But don’t worry—we didn’t touch your stuff.” Danielle’s eyes get wider. “I wouldn’t want to treat you like a child and make a decision for you.”
“You’re… leaving me here?”
“I am.”
“But you can’t do that. I’m only sixteen!”
“When it’s convenient for you to remember that,” Clarinda agrees.
“You can’t leave me here alone!” There are tears in her eyes now.
I shouldn’t be here to witness this. Logan shouldn’t see it, either. But calling attention to us and trying to slip out the door might be equally offensive. So we stay right where we are, watching but trying not to.
“You mean like you have the little kids too many times to count?” Clarinda asks.
“As you frequently remind me, you’re not my responsibility.
I’m not your mother. Quite frankly, I’m tired of trying to give you a home and food when you’re as unappreciative and go out of your way to be as big of a bitch as possible.
So yes, I’m leaving you here. Your room is intact.
Unfortunately, you’ll have to find your own food.
Rent is paid until the end of the month, so you have that time to figure out what you’re going to do with your life.
They’re not allowed to turn heat off during the winter, so you shouldn’t freeze to death, anyway.
Who knows—maybe mom will come back and remember she has fucking children. ”
Tears stream down Danielle’s face now. Her hands shake. “Clarinda…”
“I know you think that you’re the only one who suffers from mom’s abandonment.
You don’t want your childhood stripped because of the parents you were born to.
Well guess what, Danny. You’re not the only one who’s had to live through this.
While the rest of us make sacrifices, you go on as selfish as you can possibly be.
I’m done. I’m not going to allow you to poison our sisters and brothers with your attitude anymore.
You want to answer to no one? You want to be selfish and only be concerned with yourself?
You think you’re an adult and can take care of yourself? Fine. That’s what you’re getting.”
“Miss Hennessy?” one of the movers says, walking through the door looking a little sheepish for interrupting. “I believe we’ve gotten everything. If you’d take another look before we pack up?”
Clarinda nods and pats the box on the counter. “This is the last in the kitchen. I’ll take a quick look.”
She disappears from the room, leaving the four of us in the most awkward, uncomfortable moment of our entire lives collectively. She comes back a few minutes later, nodding. “All good, Joseph. Thank you.”
He nods and grabs the other box. “We’ll meet you there.”
Clarinda nods. She pulls on her jacket and gestures for Logan and me to head for the door. Taking Logan’s hand, we do as we’re told. No arguing with Mama Clarinda over here.
“Good luck, Danielle,” Clarinda says as her footsteps follow behind us. Once on the street, we continue to walk in silence until I can’t take it anymore.
“Are you really leaving her there?” I ask, glancing back at the brownstone.
She snorts. “I am. But there’s a room for her at the new place.
She’s going to have to get her shit together, though.
No one understands more than I do about not wanting to give up your childhood to raise your fucking siblings.
You didn’t ask for them. They’re not your responsibility and they shouldn’t be thrown in your lap as if they are.
I get that more than anyone. And I never ask her to do anything concerning them.
Ever. But fucking Christ, if I’m not there and mom leaves, you don’t just fucking walk out on them!
As much as we didn’t ask for the situation handed to us, neither did they.
And their fucking safety is the number one priority! ”
Once again, I’m thankful I didn’t have siblings. Worrying about myself was bad enough. But another kid? Older or younger would have been fucking miserable.
As if my life could get worse…
Not that I want to challenge the universe on that. I glance at the sky as if karma or fate or god or whatever is watching. Please don’t make my life worse!
“This is me,” she says as we approach a subway line. “See you for dinner?”
I nod and she wraps her arms around me. “Thank you,” she whispers. “For doing this. I know I’m a little angry at you for it, but if it means I get to keep my siblings, then I’ll suck up my pride and take this gift.”
Squeezing her arm with my free hand, I don’t say anything. All I did was ask for someone else who could help to step in.
One of the many things Auntie Faith owns are apartment buildings. Nice ones. In a nice part of the outskirts of the city. Auntie took a look around Clarinda’s house and said, ‘Uh uh. Nope. We’re getting you somewhere safer. Pack up, darling.’
Clarinda and the kids looked at her like she was a divinity, coming down from the sky to whisk them away. That’s kind of what she did.
That had been three days ago. Clarinda said she wasn’t going to tell Danielle, but I kind of thought someone would.
Apparently, they hadn’t. Maybe they’d wanted to avoid seeing the fight that I just witnessed.
Though it wasn’t so much a fight as it was Clarinda handing Danielle the truth bomb she deserved.
You know, in my opinion. But that’s coming from a single child who’s homeless because he refuses the same help that he made sure Clarinda got. I’m sure if Clarinda didn’t have her siblings, the situation would be different. She’d be less likely to take the offer that my aunt gave her.
She’d likely live in a home like Edgar with several roommates. Probably with Edgar. Or maybe she’d take Gravity’s extra room. I don’t know.
Clarinda crouches down to hug Logan. “Be good for Uncle Zak, okay, Logy?”
Logan nods, looking up at me with big eyes. To him, we’re going on an adventure. She kisses his cheek and gets to her feet. “See you later.”
With that, she disappears down the tunnel. We watch her go and then Logan looks up at me, still with big eyes and his binkie in his mouth. Thankfully, this pipsqueak is potty trained. “So,” I say, swinging our linked hands. “What do you want to do?”
He taps his pocket, blinking up at me.
“Money dying to be spent, huh?”
Logan smiles behind his binkie.
“All right. Let’s go find something to snack on.”
Keeping his hand tight in mine, we walk down the street, heading toward a safer part of the city. It’s not particularly bad right here—there are definitely much worse neighborhoods—but I prefer to be closer to the city center where cops are abundant and there are lots of people to see you.
I brought a little money with me today. Because I have Logan, I took far more money from my stash than I would have otherwise.
Once I returned from the cancer research benefit with Owen, I spent the next couple days making sure Gravity wasn’t actually dying. Once he could get up and leave the house again, he withdrew the money that had been transferred to him from the job.
It had promised $1200. Owen actually paid $2000. I had half a mind to call him and yell at him for it. I didn’t want money I didn’t earn. And I knew he wasn’t forking over another $800 because I earned it.
He saw I was starving. If he doesn’t know that I’m a street rat in pretty clothes yet, he has an idea. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I sure as hell don’t want charity.
But calling him meant I’d have to hear his voice again, and I know I’m not strong enough for that. As it is, I look for him everywhere. I even found myself making an excuse to walk by the arena the other day, which, mind you, is nowhere near where I usually am for any reason.
I’m not sure if it’s fortunate or unfortunate, but besides the normal hustle and bustle over there, it appeared the arena was empty.
Maybe that just meant that they didn’t have a game that day.
Or maybe they were away somewhere. Playing Canada or…
Mexico? Does Mexico have a hockey team? What about other countries—do they have hockey teams?
I’ve spent more time thinking about hockey in the last couple months than my entire life.
As we get closer to the center of the city, Logan’s head is on a swivel as he takes it all in.
It’s probably his first time out of the house since…
actually, I’m not sure he ever leaves the house.
He’s not in daycare or preschool because obviously Clarinda can’t afford that.
And he’s not old enough for actual school yet.
My heart pangs as I gaze down at his little face, looking around in wonder. When he points at something, I make a big deal out of it for him. He’s so excited, pointing and looking with the wonder only a small child can pull off.
“There are little shops all over here,” I tell him. “Look in the windows. See something you want to eat?”
Logan turns his attention to the shops and cafes.
He doesn’t talk much, but I think that might have more to do with the fact that he always has the binkie in his mouth than his inability to say words.
Logan’s a quiet kid, but again, I think that’s by choice.
He has a lot of older siblings that he watches constantly, absorbing what goes on around him.
What I am sure about is his ability to understand what we’re saying. In this moment, for instance. I told him to look at the shops and he turned his attention to where I suggested. When he points to one that has pastries, I’m further convinced that he understood.
Or there’s always the possibility that he just saw some sugar and that’s what he’s on about.
We step inside and stand in front of the glass case while Logan looks at all the treats. “I’m going to let you have dessert first, but you best eat a proper lunch when it’s time, okay?”
Logan nods and presses his little finger to the glass.
“That’s the winner, huh?”
Logan nods.
“Dig your money out.”
I watch, my heart melting, as he lifts his jacket and starts trying to pry his little hand into his pocket.
I’m impressed when he comes out with a wadded $20 bill.
We order and he pays for his treat. I pay for the drinks.
Even the barista watches with a smile as Logan stuffs his change back in his pocket.
I make sure it’s good and in there so it doesn’t fall out before we leave the counter.
We sit in front of the windows facing the street so he can watch the people go by while he eats.
There are a lot of traffic cops and barriers being set up.
I’m not sure what the significance is of the date, but it looks like they’re closing down the streets for something.
No one seems to be in a panic, so it’s not an emergency event by the looks of it.
By the time we step outside, we see the first signs of the parade as people gather against the barriers.
I pick Logan up, setting him on my shoulders, and get as close as I can.
His little hands grip my hair and he points at everything with the other, and I grin as we watch.
When’s the last time I’ve seen a parade?
There are firetrucks and dancers in the street. People dressed up as weird things like an avocado and an over-easy egg. The floats are filled with people waving. Some are putting on performances.
I’m caught completely unaware when I spot Owen on one of the floats. I’m even more shocked when he looks right at me. His eyes go wide and then he’s grinning hugely. His stare holds mine the entire time his float passes.
My heart races. This man is everywhere. This is the fourth time I’ve serendipitously run into him in a city filled with millions of people.
It’s as if the universe is teasing me. Putting him there, almost within reach, but never within my grasp.