Chapter Twelve
Elliot
They met on the sidewalk outside Dustin’s loft at eight. Dustin was stretching his quads and looked up as he heard Elliott coming.
‘Uncomfortable’ didn’t even come close to describing how Elliot felt. He couldn’t even look Bennet in the eye.
Dustin looked askance at the coffee in Elliot’s hand, mumbling something about taking training seriously, and Elliot scoffed, too loud, deflecting.
“It’s just a walk, bro.”
He immediately wished he hadn’t said that. He wished he hadn’t brought the stupid coffee. This wasn’t just a walk for Dustin: this was training. This was all he could do.
Zipping up his hoodie and shoving his hands into the pockets, Dustin purposefully set off. Elliot quietly set the half-empty cup at the bottom of the stairs up to Dustin’s building before he jogged to catch up.
He fell in step beside him. The sun was already warm and bright, and the city was waking up around them.
Elliot was terrified Dustin was going to make him talk about Bernie’s, and distracted himself by looking around.
He’d never been on this street before. It was nice, but he couldn’t help noticing the contrast to the East Side spots he’d been exploring.
Dustin took them to a paved path that ran beside the river. A girl had a dog on the front of her paddle board. The dog didn’t look thrilled, but Elliot figured it was probably on its way to a park, and would forget all about this when it got there.
The silence between them was getting louder with every step. Which was fine with Elliot, because he didn’t know how he was going to explain what he’d done. Kissing Dustin Bennet? In a parking lot? After he’d had to talk himself out of stalking him all week?
Finally, Bennet said, “Listen, I’m really sorry about what happened. I don’t know what – I was drunk – not that that’s an excuse – and I just…I don’t know. Why I did that. But you were also drunk, and you didn’t want that and the whole thing was totally…yeah. Weird. I don’t know. A mistake. Sorry.”
Elliot frowned at his feet and kept walking. That wasn’t what he’d been expecting. He’d kissed Dustin. It wasn’t Dustin’s fault.
“Oh. That’s okay,” he said. “It was…fine.”
‘Fine’ wasn’t what he wanted to say. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. He tried again.
“It was…yeah, fine. Fine. Totally fine. It was fine.”
Why couldn’t he stop saying ‘fine’?!
He lapsed into silence, feeling utterly defeated, and Dustin nodded and kept walking. They covered another half mile in silence.
They went under a bridge and out the other side, and Dustin stopped at a lookout with a view back down the river. He was bending and flexing his knee, and Elliot glanced sideways at it. Desperate to say something to Dustin that wasn’t ‘fine’, he tried, “That feeling okay? It’s on track?”
Dustin stopped bending and flexing it like Elliot had caught him doing something he shouldn’t be. He braced his forearms on the rail. “Yeah, I think so. I had to take a little ibuprofen last week because it was acting up after I did that agility ladder.”
Elliot shut his eyes, feeling horribly guilty.
On that day, he’d felt great about the numbers he’d put up.
Closing in on Bennet’s PR with Bennet sitting right there.
He wanted to smash it with Dustin watching, so he would see how hard Elliot was working.
He hadn’t considered what it must have been like for Dustin.
“Sorry,” he said.
Dustin frowned and looked at him. “Why?”
“For that day. It was dumb.”
“Don’t apologize for putting up good numbers. It’s not your fault I don’t know when to quit. That wasn’t dumb, you were crushing it.”
Elliot felt a rush of embarrassed pride. “Yeah, but I shouldn’t’ve been trying to hit your number like that. I was flexing.”
There was a small silence, and when he looked at Dustin, Dustin was smiling. “So you were trying to beat my PR.”
Elliot sighed. “Uh huh.”
“So you know what it is?”
“Yep.”
“So you do have a crush.”
That landed like an anvil in the middle of Elliot’s chest, and his face went red hot.
It’s not a crush! I don’t have a crush! It’s just a playlist. I’m just a fan.
It’s just a private playlist full of hundreds of clips that I study because I want to be the best. Because you’re the best. That’s all.
It was one time in high school! I never did it again!
Okay I did it one more time after that with the cowboy movie.
But they shouldn’t ever have made that movie.
It was confusing. Nobody knew what to do with themselves after that!
Out loud, he said, “A crush? You wish,” and stood there, glaring across the water.
“Sorry,” said Bennet. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Maybe you have a crush,” Elliot shot back. “You’re the one who–” He couldn’t finish the sentence, and turned to the river again, scowling.
Beside him, Bennet sighed and turned away from the rail. Elliot followed as he started walking back. A woman went past the other way with headphones in, murmuring, “Good morning.”
Dustin checked over his shoulder as she went out of earshot behind them, then said, “You’re right. I did. And it was completely inappropriate. And I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” said Elliot. God dammit, not ‘fine’ again! He took a deep breath, and amended. “You don’t have to be sorry. I kissed you.”
That was probably the most terrifying thing he’d ever said in his life.
Bennet said, “Okay. But you didn’t do anything else.”
Didn’t do anything else?! I jizzed all over your t-shirt, dog!
“What do you mean I didn’t do anything?” he hissed. “I…we…I kissed you! I started it!”
“Right, but you didn’t ask for the rest of it.
” Dustin lowered his voice as they went back under the bridge.
They were walking very close now, like two people planning a heist or something.
“You didn’t say all that was okay. I shouldn’t’ve done that without asking you.
” He suddenly stopped, catching Elliot’s arm and said, “Wait…you know that’s how consent works, right? ”
Elliot came to a halt, rolling his eyes. Yes, he knew about consent. But in the heat of the moment, if stuff was already happening, you didn’t kill the vibe to make sure everything was going okay. It was pretty fucking obvious if it wasn’t.
“Did you just roll your eyes?” said Dustin.
Elliot shook off his hand. “Yes, I know how consent works. We were already kissing, it was fine.”
“Okay, that’s not” –Dustin caught his arm again– “how it works. You have to consent to everything. Like…piece by piece.”
Elliot made a face. “People don’t actually do that.”
Dustin looked stunned. “Yes, they do.”
“Sure, okay. So we’re in the back of your car in the middle of things and you’re gonna stop and say, ‘Oh by the way, did you want me to suck your dick?’”
That came out way louder than he’d meant it to, and he snapped his mouth closed. They were under the bridge and there was no one nearby, but he could feel his words ringing off the concrete overhead.
Dustin continued to stare at him. “Ideally?” he said. “Yes.”
“You think a dude with his pants around his ankles is gonna turn down getting his dick sucked?”
“He might.”
Elliot scoffed. He tried to get Dustin’s hand off his arm again, but Dustin held on and said, “Do they not teach you this in school?”
“In school? They teach you this in school?”
“No, but that was fifteen years ago. Things are totally different now.”
“Dog, the only thing I learned in school was when a little old lady from the church came down and told us all not to have sex because we’d make Jesus cry or whatever.”
He crossed himself because his mom wouldn’t have liked him saying that.
Dustin stared at him for another moment, then shut his eyes as something apparently dawned on him. “Right,” he said. He opened his eyes. “Florida.”
Elliot glared. Now he was shitting on Florida?
“Did they even teach you how to use condoms?” said Dustin.
“What do you think?”
Dustin’s eyebrows shot up. “No? But you use them, right?”
“I mean… When it happens.”
“When it happens?”
Elliot shrugged his arm out of Dustin’s hand. How the fuck had they ended up here? Discussing condoms with Dustin Bennet.
“So where did you learn what you do know?” said Dustin.
“I dunno. My Uncle Salvador. Diego. Reef–”
“Reef?!” Dustin looked horrified. “You got your sex education from Reef Okafor?”
Elliot remembered the text Reef had sent on the day he found out about Arsenault, and his limbs went weirdly numb.
“Reef pulls a lot of bops,” he mumbled, and kept walking. He felt sick and wanted this conversation to be over.
“Don’t say ‘bops’,” Dustin called after him. “Please don’t ever say ‘bops’, that word is awful. And actually, you know what, while we’re here – hey!” The shout echoed off the bridge, and Elliot stopped in his tracks. He turned around.
“I don’t like your language,” said Dustin.
Elliot glared. “Excuse me?”
“Your shitty fucking language. I’ve been looking it up. Your Spanish bullshit.”
Spanish bullshit.
“Oh, I gotcha.” Elliot shoved his hands in his pockets. “You don’t like being called ‘grandpa’? What do you prefer? I got plenty more.”
“No, I actually don’t give a shit about that,” said Dustin. “The shit you say about women. It’s gross and it needs to stop.”
Elliot scoffed. “Why do you care?”
“Come on. Are you kidding me?”
They stood glaring at each other in the walkway under the bridge. A footstep fell behind Elliot, and he moved aside to let someone pass. He watched Dustin do the same and they both stood looking at each other until her footsteps had faded.
“You don’t actually think that’s okay, right?” said Dustin.
Elliot laughed and shook his head. He couldn’t believe he felt sorry for this condescending feminist asshole when he showed up this morning. Shitting all over his friends and Uncle Sal? Telling him how to treat women? Like he was totally spotless?
“You don’t tell me how to speak Spanish,” he said.
He removed his hand from his pocket and pointed.
“And you know something? I think it’s pretty fucking funny that you’re standing there telling me how to treat women, when it was your idea to go out and bet on how many we were gonna fuck this summer.
You wanna talk about consent, homes? You ask that girl you took home from the bar if it was okay to type up what you did with her in that stupid app?
No? You didn’t stop in the middle of things to check in about that?
Why don’t you take a look in the mirror, cabrón?
Because when you pointing the finger at someone, there’s three more fingers pointing right back at you. ”
And he shoved the hand back in his pocket and walked off.