Lucille #2
He thought he could tell me what to do while he went around blocking and hiding our bond whenever he wanted?
I removed his all-access pass for a night.
One night. He had kept me away from our bond for two months.
And still was! Then, the second he got a taste of what it felt like to be cut off, he ordered me never to do it again?
I stalked up to him, keeping my gaze on his eyes, and smiled—all the light and humor sucked out of it.
I pressed my hands against his chest, ignoring his sinful skin, his caressing shadows, and the barely there hum of our bond.
Just that simple reminder that he was blocking me further enraged me.
I lifted onto my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his ear.
“Fuck you,” I whispered. “Just a reminder for when you feel the need to be a hypocritical asshole.” Hellfire flooded my mind, cutting him off out of spite as I shoved him out of the doorway. He stumbled back, leaving room for me to throw up an ice wall, separating him from me and Aspen.
His stunned expression settled into a cold mask.
I might not be able to feel him anymore, but I knew he was angry.
I also knew he was in pain. I had seen his wince.
It cooled my anger enough to give way to guilt, but not enough to unblock him.
If he knew what it felt like to be cut off, then why did he keep doing it to me?
“Leave,” I demanded. “And take Rune.”
He gave us one last long stare, then snapped at Rune, and they walked out.
I closed my eyes and sank to the floor. I couldn’t hold the block for long, not after maintaining it the entire night.
How did Ronen do it? Was he more powerful, or did it have something to do with his ability to tamper with minds?
I heard shifting and opened my eyes to Aspen sitting opposite me. I didn’t know what he was feeling, which the guardian bond didn’t like, but it was satisfied with his proximity.
“Luc—”
“Since when do you wear sweatpants?” I asked, cutting him off. I wasn’t ready to hear what he had to say, and I wasn’t used to him wearing anything but his uniform and cape or a tunic.
He sighed. “Since MJ realized Oliver’s clothes wouldn’t fit me, so she shoved a pile of Alexei’s in his closet.”
It was weird hearing their names come off his tongue.
Our two worlds had finally collided. Except I had always thought I’d be a part of his, not the other way around.
But the Lucy on Earth would’ve never guessed her handsome, storybook prince was a pawn trying to hand her over to be drained and killed. Or that she was the Princess of Hell.
I dropped my head into my hands, feeling the numbness spreading.
“Sweetheart,” Aspen murmured.
I whipped my head up, ready to yell at him, but something in his sad expression made me pause.
“Release your block on the bonds. If not for his sake or mine, then for your own. Don’t hinder your soul anymore. Be better than him.” He held my gaze. “Be better than both of us.”
His words made my eyes sting. I didn’t know if it was the tender way he said them or the fact that my hold on my Hellfire was slipping, and I could feel his concern and desire to help me.
“You know it doesn’t just block you both from me. It also blocks me from feeling your grief.”
It was always there. That and his self-hatred. The little reprieve I received earlier had relieved some of the weight on my chest.
Aspen paled like he’d forgotten I could feel everything he did. “I’ll work on building a better mental barrier.”
Our bond flared, and I jerked forward, grabbing his wrist. “No.” Tingles instantly erupted at the contact, and I flinched. “Damn it.”
Aspen moved, cupping my cheek. “How can I help you?”
“By not touching me.”
Nothing changed in his face as he dropped his hand and scooted back, but sadness and an ugly acceptance shot through our bond, like he thought he deserved that reaction from me. And he did. Or he should.
Heavenly Hell! I should be able to feel my own emotions without questioning them or feeling the need to console him.
I dug my nails into my palms, shaking my head at the bathroom ceiling. “Do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“What would help is if I never met you.” I knew saying it would hurt him—hurt us—but I wasn’t holding back.
“What would help is if you had been horrible to me every single second. If you had never come and helped me after my fight with my mom. If you had never kissed me or held me.” My voice rose as tears stung my eyes.
“What would help is if it had been all you and not the stupid Hell Rune. I was falling in love with you!” My breath hitched.
“You were everything I wanted, and then you ripped it all away.”
Aspen sat there, taking every word with a straight face as they pierced him. I didn’t want to feel it, but in a selfish, horrible way, it satisfied me to know my words hurt.
“I wish I could fully blame you. To call you a villain and write you out of my life, but I can’t. Because you weren’t all horrible, and some part of me is still holding onto that,” I admitted. “But why? How can I still have feelings for someone I barely know? Who seduced and used me for Lilith?”
Aspen bowed his head, shame flooding the guardian bond.
“If you want an apology, I can give you one. If you want me to leave, you’ll never see my face again.
If you want my life, I’ll happily give you a dagger.
If you want my heart…” He lifted his head.
“It’s already yours. But none of that will fix what I’ve done, so let me give you something you asked for in the beginning. ”
I frowned as he held out his hand.
Curious despite myself, I grabbed it. He turned it over and clasped it with his other.
“I’m Aspen, the first born angel. My mother was Miriam, the most powerful seer in the celestial world, and my father was a high-level demon I never knew.
Lilith and Marcus murdered my mother and stole me when I was young.
” He paused, sighing with relief. It was the first time he’d admitted that out loud to me without the Hell Rune interfering.
“Lilith raised me as her son, and when I became old enough, she Hell Runed me to service her needs and follow all her orders. I was her son, her general, her slave, and her sexual relief.”
No. I had heard it in Lilith’s tone, but I didn’t want to believe it.
“Aspen—”
“Don’t, please. There’s more you need to know.”
There it was again. That self-loathing mixed with the feeling of deserved pain. I squeezed his hand, a small offering of support.
“I wasn’t allowed, nor could I care about or touch anyone else.
Those were her orders, and they worked until Lilith stole a female angel and decided to keep her alive to lure in more angels.
It was smart on Lilith’s part. The female was unsuspecting, beautiful, and powerful.
” Aspen swallowed, glancing down and then back to my face as if working up the courage to finish his sentence.
I sensed a hint of fear from him. Whatever he was about to say next scared him more than admitting to being Lilith’s sex slave. I squeezed his hand again. He had revealed more of himself to me now than in all the months we’d known each other.
“Tell me.”
“I told you I loved her, and I did, in a way. I loved the idea of what we could’ve been if Lilith hadn’t fucked with our heads. I loved the little tastes of emotion I’d feel from her. But she died before we could truly understand what we had.”
I straightened, eyes widening.
“Nalini was my cordistella, Lucille.”
I sat back, releasing his hand. “Was that the secret Ronen had been talking about?”
Aspen nodded.
“But—we—why didn’t you ever tell me?”
He leaned forward, sliding a finger along my cheek. Tingles danced across my skin as he trapped me in his blue gaze. “Because she was my hopeless past, and you were my hopeful future.”
Speechless and frozen, I watched as his attention flicked to my lips, lingering there for a split second as desire flared before being smothered by his shame.
“She’s in the city, you know,” I said so softly, I secretly hoped he didn’t hear me. Why? After everything he had said and done to me, why did my stomach churn uncomfortably with that admittance?
“I remember.” He stood.
“You don’t want to see her? Find closure or…” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t tell him to seek comfort in her arms when the mere thought hurt, which only frustrated me.
“Her death was the end of my hope. The end of what little love I had found within my numbed emotions. I stopped fighting the useless battle of the Hell Rune. I killed. I serviced Lilith. I gave up my soul. Until I found you.” He shook his head.
“But I don’t deserve closure. And she sure as hell doesn’t need to see the face that failed to protect her. ”
“You had no other choice,” I protested, remembering the dream-walk of Nalini’s death.
He scoffed. “Tell me, does that excuse work for the horrendous things I did to you?”
I opened my mouth, and nothing came out.
He turned and melted the ice wall. Our guardian bond shone in intricate detail across his shoulder blades and down his spine. The indigo wings were painted over hundreds of raised scars.
My stomach sank at the trauma caused by each one of those Hell Runes.
Before he left, he paused.
“Whatever you want, Lucille. A sliver. The whole moon. For me to leave. Just tell me, and it’s yours.”
He walked out, and I sat there torn with indecision.