Lucille
Chapter
Twenty-Five
Rune led me in a familiar direction, but not the one I had expected. A dusk sky filled the large windows we passed, forcing flames to light the globed sconces one by one to guide our way.
Training had to be just finishing, which meant Ronen was at the arena, right?
So why was she taking me this way?
Approaching the library doors, I gazed up at an image of my back. The entirety of it was exposed, displaying my five scars in stark detail and Tsal-mawet. They had shown me something similar a few weeks ago, but with Michael.
What did it mean?
Rune plopped down next to the wall as Ronen opened the doors.
“I thought you’d still be at the arena.”
He motioned for me to enter. “I had other pressing plans.”
I scanned him from his black boots up his sand-dusted leathers to the smudges of grime muting the black in his neck tattoos. “Pressing enough not to change or clean yourself?” I inquired as I passed him.
He grabbed my hand, stopping me. “Yes. In fact, you are.”
I swallowed, tugging my hand back before I lost all my mettle.
“Why did you bring me here, General?”
Did he really want to have it out in the library? I guess no one ever came here, but I was sure Cato wouldn’t be too pleased.
I turned to face Ronen and his narrowed expression.
“That isn’t my name.”
I shrugged. “I remember a time when you told me that’s all I could call you.”
“That time has long passed, Hellion.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
He prowled toward me, and I couldn’t help myself—I backpedaled. I didn’t want to. For once, I wanted the upper hand. Yet, when he had me alone, in his proximity, held beneath his penetrating gaze, my heart stumbled.
It was as easy as breathing to give in to his magnetic pull. His molten eyes, the confidence woven through the way he held himself, his deep tenor. Heavenly Hell, he drugged me with his presence. Even now, my Infernus hummed beneath my skin, content to melt in the embrace of home.
It scared me.
Was it the bond making me feel this way? If we didn’t have a connection, would that change things? Did it matter?
I shook myself and luscelered around the table he almost had me backed against, putting much-needed space between us. His perfectly shaped lips tilted into a smirk. He knew exactly what he was doing to me.
Clenching my teeth, I wrapped my overeager Infernus around my mind, completely cutting off both bonds. My Infernus revolted, almost forcing me to release it, but I held strong.
Ronen hissed, the gold in his irises flashing black. “What did I tell you about blocking me?”
I laughed. “Do you actually hear yourself?”
He crossed his arms, waiting for me to elaborate.
My laughter dropped. “You are the biggest hypocrite in Hell,” I snapped.
“You tell me not to block our bond because why? You like knowing my every emotion? You like feeling my essence and knowing I’m okay?
You don’t like the throbbing pain that comes when you’re cut off?
” My voice rose with each sentence. The shadows covering his golden irises immediately vanished, as if it had finally dawned on him what he was doing to me.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t know. There’s no way you were blind to the pain you’re causing me, so the only reasonable explanation is that you’re using it against me, like you use the damned tingles and the small pieces of feeling you like to spear at me when it’s most convenient for you.
” I wouldn’t admit that sometimes it had helped me.
“Like you used me in training today to fulfill some vendetta you had against me after I protected Aspen in the Shard Field!”
My accusations ricocheted off the bookshelves. I was sure Cato could hear every word, but I didn’t care. Let him hear what an asshole Ronen was. Let him hear about our bond.
Ronen luscelered around the table and pinned me to the nearest bookshelf, his hand wrapping around my throat and forcing me to tilt my head up to meet his heated gaze.
“I was not using you. I am not a manipulative piece of shit like—”
He stopped too late, his tongue pressing against his cheek after realizing his mistake.
“Aspen,” I finished for him. My blood practically boiled beneath my skin, and my Infernus sang threats in my ears, finally back on my side.
“It’s ironic that you think yourself so much better than him when, once upon a time, you were just like him.
Runed and bound to a ruler who made you do horrible things.
I can only imagine the manipulative bullshit you did in service to Etan.
” I added the last part just to piss him off.
Pain tightened his features, and he dropped his hand and stepped back, glancing away as a muscle pulsed in his jaw. It only took seconds, but it felt like minutes before he gathered himself and looked back at me. His shadows guarded his eyes, hiding the hurt I’d witnessed.
“I admit I’ve been pissed at you, and it affected my choices,” he forced out. “But there was still a purpose to putting you in charge.”
I crossed my arms. “Which was?”
He shook his head, this time laughing in disbelief. “Why did everyone in your squad get picked off, Hellion? What was the difference between your squad and the Nightmares?”
That one was obvious. “They worked as a unified team.”
“Exactly. No one went off on their own. No one tried to take on more than they could chew. They worked together. Are you following yet?”
“I don’t understand what that has to do with saving Aspen.”
Ronen grabbed my chin, dropping his face a little too close. “It has nothing to do with him. And everything to do with you. I am sick and tired of seeing you charge into the unknown alone and risk everything I value.”
He paused, letting that sink into my sputtering heart before releasing me and straightening.
“I am here. Oliver, Alexei, MJ, Rune, and even the—Aspen are here. Your team. Your unit. Talk to us, listen to us, and stop making me worry beyond sound thought.”
He implored me with the desperation in his tone and furrowed brows.
I’d scared him.
This wasn’t about protecting Aspen. This was about me telling them to stay put and hiding from them so I could take care of the Shard Storm without them.
I dropped my arms to my sides, my anger fading. “It wasn’t totally me, Ronen. The guardian bond took over my Infernus.”
“It did,” Ronen agreed, looking a bit murderous at the thought. “But you also didn’t put up a fight.”
“I couldn’t fight it.”
“You didn’t even try at first. And when you realized your mistake at the end, it was too late.”
Shame heated my face, and I turned away.
He brushed my cheek, quieter now. “Why do you always feel the need to do it on your own?”
“Because the people I’ve trusted most don’t protect me—they decide things for me,” I admitted.
He sighed.
Shadows plumed from his other hand. They drifted toward me, caressing my skin and playing with my loose, damp waves. “Did you know our powers are semi-sentient? They’re tied to our baser wants and needs, but they don’t have the capability to understand consequences.”
I frowned, confused by the shift in topic. “They definitely feel that way.”
“My shadows are possessive. They despise Aspen. If I were to give in to them, let them control me, they’d kill him—and I imagine a lot of other people who’ve pissed me off.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
His expression turned solemn. “I know I’m on your list of people who’ve disappointed you, but I want you to be able to trust me.”
“By telling me you want to kill Aspen?”
“By explaining that I know if I ever did, I’d lose you. And I will fight every day to resist my urges.”
I grabbed his hand, bringing it away from my cheek to stop his addictive touches, and looked away. “You can’t lose something you don’t have,” I whispered, about to leave.
He tightened his hold and pressed his body into mine.
My breath hitched. All his hard planes melded perfectly with my soft ones.
Salty sweat mingled with his spicy scent, and I had to suppress a moan as he dragged his nose up the side of my neck.
“You can lie to yourself about what you feel, but not me.”
My smile faded into something sad. Brushing my fingers across his sharp jawline, I pushed him back enough to see his face.
His lips were right there, begging me. I still didn’t know if he knew I invaded his dream, but while he gazed at me with taunting, sinful intent, I had a hunch he did.
Weak as I was, I kept my attention on those lips because holding his eyes would ruin me.
“And there lies the problem. My emotions are an open book to you, but yours aren’t. You expect me to give in to this when you won’t even let me feel you? Know you?”
This time, he pulled away, creating distance.
He averted his gaze, eyes glazed as he went somewhere I couldn’t follow.
“I can’t—” His neck tensed. “Etan messed with my head, Lucille. I understand the discrepancy I’ve created between us is unfair.
I want to try to be vulnerable for you. Open up.
But I…” He shuddered, his body rigid. “I don’t know how to get past it. ”
I closed the space between us and boldly grabbed his chin, using one of his moves. “You just did.”
“Barely.”
“Maybe that’s the answer. One step at a time. One piece. No takebacks.” I was adamant about that last part. It hurt too much for him to give and then close himself off.
Was it what I wanted? Not entirely. I wanted him to give me everything, to have every vulnerable emotion in the palm of my hand. But I wasn’t heartless. If he could do this, I could compromise.
His silence was my answer.
I let out a slow breath and left him there, walking toward the library doors. Cato most likely heard everything, so hopefully he understood why I wouldn’t be staying to chat about dream-walking.
“Lucille.”
I stopped.
“No takebacks.”
Then he did it. He opened himself enough to allow me to feel his essence along with a single fluttering emotion. I could tell some emotions still hid behind a barrier, but it was a start. More importantly, he gave me the last emotion I’d expected him to reveal. Anxiety.
A small smile crept across my face at his gesture—his vulnerability. His nervousness was endearing, and it also hurt to know it stemmed from someone else’s abuse.
Part of me wanted to soothe his nerves, but I couldn’t allow him to move me that easily. Anyone could offer a single gesture and slip back into old habits. I needed time to see his dedication and willingness.
My hand wrapped around the library door’s cool metal handle. I was about to leave when I thought of the image on the doors. Not the one it had just shown me, but the one before, with my father. Ronen was the only person I knew who truly talked to him, and I needed a favor.
“Ronen, the next time you see my father, can you look at the back of his neck? I think there’s a Velatus Rune there.”
“Which one?”
“I don’t know. But I plan to figure that out.” Then I walked out.