21. June
21
JUNE
A s cozy as things are out here, I need to lie down. “Do you think we could go inside. I’d like to stretch out.”
“I think … ” He gets up and adjusts the loungers so they lay down flat. “Better?”
“That’s perfect.”
“Not yet.” He jogs into the cabin and returns with a few blankets and pillows, before scooting his lounger next to mine, and we create a makeshift bed. After he gets in on his side, he takes a deep breath, sighs, and says, “Now it’s perfect. Look up.”
Above us, the sky shimmers in stars framed by bare treetops. “I forgot what the sky really looks like. You don’t get this kind of view in Boston. Too much light pollution.”
He laces his fingers with mine. “Right here, right now, it feels like our problems are so small. Across the galaxy, worlds are forming and dying, stars are burning their last bit of fuel. And who knows what kinds of problems aliens have?— “
I burst out laughing. “Aliens?”
He grins at me. “What? I can’t have theories?”
“Dazzle me with your theory, sir.”
“I’m not saying I buy into the whole little green men thing or farmers getting probed or whatever. But I think it’s either bold or egotistical to think we are the only remotely intelligent lifeforms who exist. So, yeah, sometimes, I think about what aliens could be out there and what their lives could be like. You don’t ever think about that kind of thing?”
I shrug. “Most of the time, I’m thinking about how I’m going to pay my bills.”
“And that is why I need you in my life. You keep me grounded.”
“I know you’re not ‘Go to Mars’ rich, but if you had the chance, would you?”
He laughs. “In your hypothetical scenario, it would greatly depend on my family situation at the time. If I didn’t have one, sure. I’d be all for it. But if I had a family, no. I’m not going to take those kinds of risks when I have children.” He takes a beat. “And when I’m CEO, I’m ending all of West Media’s illegal activities. No more crime. No more people getting shot at under my watch. It’ll piss off some people, I’m sure. But I’m not putting me, you, or our kids in danger.” He says it with such a tone that I’m compelled to ask follow-ups.
“Are you mad at your dad for that? I don’t mean how he blackmailed you into working with Moss because, duh, of course, you’re mad about that. But I mean before all this crap started.”
His mood shifts as he nods. “As far as I’m concerned, it is only dumb luck that has kept me, Mom, and Cole safe all these years. The fact that Andre kidnapped you … ” He huffs out a steamy breath. “It is a miracle that never happened to Dad’s family over the years, considering all the shit he’s up to. He has kept us in perpetual danger since before I was born. I will not be doing that to my kids or my wife.”
“Huh.” I stare up at the stars.
“What?”
“It’s just … I never thought about it before, but I guess it makes sense that our kids could be in danger from all of that. We will have to button up whatever Elliot has going on before we can actually think about children.”
He nods. “I know it’s the job of every generation to clean up the mess from the one before, but I feel I have more to clean up than most. And I don’t even know the extent of Dad’s crimes, so it’ll take time. But it will be worth it when I hold my child.”
I smile at him. Can’t help it. “You’re really into this idea, aren’t you?”
“If I had my druthers, you’d be pregnant already.”
“Oh really?”
Another nod. “But I’m not going to be reckless like him. I’m going to do it right and ensure my family’s safety before they come into the world.”
I give his hand a squeeze. “ We will ensure their safety. You’re not alone in this.”
He rolls onto his side, smiling. “And I won’t forget that.” He kisses me. Just a peck, but it’s nice.
Except, “Your lips are freezing. We should get you back inside?—"
“No. A little longer out here.”
“Okay, but if you get sick and ruin our vacation, you’ll owe me a new one.”
He smiles. “Deal.”
We lie back and watch the stars in silence for a while. It’s such a relief not to hear anyone or anything but ourselves and the forest. No airplanes, no cars, no people. No cops. It’s funny how the stressors of the day slip away into nothingness when you can let them.
“See that constellation there? The five bright stars, kind of makes a pentagon?” I ask.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“According to ancient Greeks, that’s Auriga. He was said to be a great charioteer and the inventor of the four-horse chariot, the quadriga.”
He slowly turns his head and stares at me for a minute before teasing me, “Nerd!”
“What? I can’t have layers?”
He laughs. “I mean, yeah, but I had no idea you’re into astrology.”
“Astronomy. Astrology is zodiac stuff. And it’s less astronomy and more history, really. When you look into the constellations of different cultures, you can learn about them. What they thought was worthy of commemorating shows you their values.”
“So, astro-anthropology.”
“I guess so.”
He settles back down. “Where’d you learn about Auriga?”
I take a breath. “Summer camp got me started learning about them, but I kept at it long after. You know how every kid goes really hard into some niche subject? Mine was that. What was yours?”
“Frogs.”
I laugh, but he doesn’t. “You’re serious?”
“When I was a boy, I found a planter with a ton of these goopy little balls in it. I scooped them up and carried them in to ask Mom what the seeds were. She was grossed out, so of course, that made me like them more. Mom told me they were frog eggs, and she said to put them back where I got them, and I told her where I’d found them, which made her worry.”
“How come?”
“She knew the eggs would dry out, and the babies would die. So, we collected the rest and looked up how to make a terrarium to keep them safe. We spent a summer with those things, learning about them and taking care of them. I loved it.”
Thinking of a young Anderson doing something so scientific warms my heart. I want to do that with our kids. “So you saved them?”
“Every last one. We released them when they were old enough, but before then, we had the best time with the froglets.”
“God, I want that. Not goopy egg things being brought to me but exploring the world with our kids. That sounds amazing. Also, it’s nice to know I’m not the only nerd here.”
He laughs and kisses my forehead. “Yeah, well. It was a lot of fun. I always liked the idea that you could start your life as one thing and end up as something else entirely. That kind of metamorphosis is inspirational.”
“When you were a kid, you wanted to be someone else?”
“Sometimes. I wanted to be a kid with a dad who liked him.”
My heart pinches at that. “Your dad likes you?—"
“He likes what I can do for him, June. I’m not under any delusions that it’s more than that.”
“I don’t know if I think that’s true. He was shaken when you were shot?—"
He laughs bitterly. “Pretty sure a good parent should show they care about you in all the years before you get shot.”
Well, he has me there. “I mean, I’m not the guy’s biggest fan, but I think he cares in his own way. Whatever that might be.”
He shrugs. “Whether he does or not, I didn’t feel it when I was a kid. I wanted to be someone else, someplace else, for my whole childhood, other than when I spent time with Mom. We had some decent nannies, but it’s not the same thing.”
“No, it’s not.” On that topic, “And depending on just how big our family gets, I could see having one, but I’d prefer to raise our kids ourselves.”
“Would you consider quitting your job to do that?”
I nod. “I’ll never be CEO of some multi-million dollar corporation, so since you’d be the breadwinner, I’d happily be the stay-at-home parent. I don’t see a reason not to do that. Do you?”
He blows out a breath like he’s been holding it forever. “Thank fuck.”
“What?”
“I know you’re a strong, independent woman and all of that, so I worried you’d want to farm our kids out to a fleet of nannies.”
“Every study I’ve ever read on the matter talks about positive outcomes for kids who have at least one parent home, even with nannies around. If I’m bringing new life into the world, I want it to have the best chance for health and happiness possible.”
His breath hitches before he rolls to face me again. “Speaking of health and happiness?—"
“You’re not sick, are you? I don’t think I can take some other catastrophic?—"
“No, I’m fine as far as I know. Nothing like that.”
And now, I can breathe. “Okay, what is it?”
“Given how my dad is about you and the fact you’re just starting to build a relationship with your father, I’m guessing the giant wedding my mom wants is not exactly your thing.”
Oh, just wedding stuff . I chuckle. “You know something? I just keep thinking about how I want to be married to you. The wedding is one day in our lives. It’s the marriage that matters to me.”
“So, you don’t care about having a day where you can be doted on like a princess?”
I laugh at the thought. “Hell no. I know every girl is supposed to plan that stuff since they were little, have dresses picked out in their mind, or whatever, but I’ve been kind of dreading that. Being the center of attention when all I’m doing is some imitation of what’s been done for hundreds of years … it strikes me as weird. Not to mention, the whole white dress thing is just tacky to me since it’s supposed to represent virginity, and then there’s the whole ‘giving the bride away’ thing, like I’m chattel … it’s all just a bit Handmaid’s Tale for my liking.”
“Then how about we elope?”
I look to see if he’s joking. “Your family would kill you.”
He shrugs. “I’ve been dead before.”
I punch his shoulder, earning a wince out of him. “Don’t ever say that.”
“When I was shot, I was pretty sure I was going to die. Is that better?”
“No, and yes.”
He smiles. “My point is, my family probably won’t kill me since they’re glad I survived, and I don’t think yours will go after you. We can hit a courthouse, go to Vegas, whatever you want. But I don’t care about a wedding, either. I just want to be married to you.”
It sounds so romantic. But I don’t want him saying this just to make me happy. “No dreams of some gala wedding for you?”
“Not at all. I’ve only ever dreamed of my wife. Will you marry me? Far, far away from everyone we know?”
A smile pries my lips open. “Yes.”