Chapter 8
8
TRISTAN
T ristan could tell Dianna was uncomfortable. He should have provided an out for her to leave, but instead, he’d fed his own selfish desires. When Erika left, there hadn’t been one day where he felt like he wasn’t drowning. Having Dianna around gave him the first opportunity to get a gulp of fresh air. He felt like he could breathe again.
And that was nice. More than nice.
She wasn’t even here for him, she was here for Mathew. The thing was, Mathew was becoming more at ease, with less meltdowns. Tristan figured things were becoming easier, simply because Mathew was allowed to just be himself, without the pressures of school and therapists trying to mold him into something he’s not.
Plus with Dianna around, Tristan could finally take a step back and let someone else take the reins for a little while.
It was selfish.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized he couldn’t continue asking so much of her. She was someone who was assigned to Mathew. It wasn’t like she was doing any of this out of the goodness of her own heart. She was being paid by Shane.
He let out a sigh as he put Mathew’s dishes in the sink. True to form, Mathew had refused to try the tomatoes, but that didn’t stop him from requesting that he get a scoop on his plate just like Dianna. He insisted on sitting next to her, which forced Tristan to sit across from her at the small kitchen table.
Throughout the whole meal, she hadn’t met his gaze. Though at this point he wasn’t sure what he would do if she caught him staring. He still couldn’t get over how quickly she was able to win Mathew over.
“Thank you for dinner.” Her soft voice yanked him from his thoughts and he nearly dropped the glass he was rinsing out. She offered him her plate and another glass. “Do you have a container where I can save the extra tomatoes?” The corners of her mouth lifted into a grin. “Or would you like me to toss them?”
He chuckled, though it sounded strained even to him. This dance they were doing with each other was probably all in his head. He needed to knock it off. “I think it’s safe to say that Mathew probably won’t eat them later.”
She nodded, then left his side, returning with a few more of the dishes they had at the table. Without comment, she grabbed one of the dishes he’d placed in the side of the sink filled with water to rinse what he’d just cleaned.
“You don’t have to?—”
Dianna gave him a pointed look. “I was raised in a home where everyone did their part. You had to when there were so many. I can dry the dishes. It’s not a big deal. Then I’ll slip out, and you can have the evening to yourself.”
You make good company.
The words were on the tip of his tongue. He could ask her to stay, get to know her better so he could prove to himself that he wasn’t supposed to be feeling anything toward her, especially not interest.
But he couldn’t get his heart to slow down. All he could think about was what if things were different and he’d met her by chance at a supermarket or somewhere else? Would they have made a connection? He already knew she was amazing with Mathew.
Stop it. She’s not interested in you like that .
He needed to leave the poor girl alone. If only his heart and mind could follow suit. He’d have no problem. But here he was. With his heart feeling like it was jumping rope in his chest.
Tristan nodded once and together they did the dishes.
A few times, he caught her stealing a glance at him. He shouldn’t feel elated by such a thing, but he was well beyond following the rules his head insisted. Tristan shifted and cleared his throat. “Did you take any lessons—drawing, I mean?”
Dianna shot one more look in his direction and shook her head. “I’ve always loved drawing. I think it’s just the way my brain decodes the world around me.” She placed a dry plate to the side and grabbed another one. “What about you? What do you do in your spare time?”
He chuckled. “I think it’s pretty clear I don’t get much time to do anything besides taking care of Mathew. He can take a lot out of me.”
She arched a brow. “That doesn’t mean you should let your own interests take a back seat. Surely there has to be something that you enjoy doing. Perhaps when he goes to bed?”
“I suppose I like reading. That’s probably where he gets it.” A smile tugged at Tristan’s lips. “His mother wasn’t really interested in anything like that. She was more of the athletic type.”
Something in Dianna’s features shifted as if a light had left her face. “Does Mathew see her often?”
Tristan’s chest tightened. He’d stepped right into that one. Of course if he mentioned Erika, there would be questions. “How much has Shane told you about my situation?” He hadn’t meant for it to happen, but his voice had hardened. It was hard not to feel disillusioned while discussing his ex-wife.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” she offered. “I just thought?—”
“It’s fine,” he bit out.
“It sure doesn’t sound fine.”
He let out a heavy sigh and put the dishcloth back in the sink. “It’s been years. And honestly, I’m over it. But it still makes me—” He jumped when her hand reached out to touch his forearm.
“It’s perfectly normal to be angry. I’m mad and I didn’t even know her.” Her voice was quiet, and he couldn’t tell if it was due to not wanting Mathew to overhear them or if it was something else.
“Thanks,” he murmured thickly. That’s all he could say. He wasn’t the type of person to use his past hardships to gain favor or sympathy. Dianna didn’t need to see him as a victim.
Even if she did, it shouldn’t matter.
He glanced down at where she still touched him and she followed his gaze. Immediately, she withdrew her hand to pick up another dish. Her arm brushed against his, causing a strange reaction to ripple through his body. He was tempted to scoot closer to her so they could touch once more.
Tristan hadn’t dated anyone since Erika left. His reactions to Dianna had to do with that. And he hated that it was getting harder to focus on keeping things professional. He cleared his throat and shifted his weight from one foot to the next. “Tell me more about your family.”
She smiled softly. “What do you want to know?”
“Are your parents as good as you when it comes to kids like Mathew?”
Dianna pressed her lips into a firm line. “Not particularly.”
His brows lifted. “Oh? I’m sorry.”
She lifted a shoulder. “It’s not what you think. My mom passed away when I was pretty young. And my dad was very strict.”
“Your father raised all of you on his own?”
The only response he got was a curt nod.
“Wow. That must have been really hard.”
She gave him a pained smile. “You know? I think it was harder than he let on. Up until recently, he didn’t want any of us dating until our older sisters were married.”
A bark of laughter escaped his lips. Upon seeing the seriousness in her eyes when he glanced at her, he sobered. “I thought you were kidding.”
Dianna turned back to the dishes she was working on. “Nope. But you have to admit, raising seven girls on his own in this day and age wasn’t easy. And there are more concerns than making sure we’re raised to be respectful and hardworking. My father had to worry about each of us plus every man who might be interested in us.”
“I guess I never thought about that.” Tristan’s thoughts shifted to Mathew, and suddenly he developed a deep appreciation that he didn’t have to raise a girl on his own. He wouldn’t know the first thing about raising a little girl. Doing hair, worrying about her hitting puberty…
Heat crawled up his neck and he shoved those uncomfortable thoughts aside, grateful she couldn’t read his thoughts.
“So what changed his mind, if you don’t mind my asking?”
“Hmm?”
“Your father. You mentioned that he had that rule up until recently. What changed?”
She put the final glass down, then tossed the dish towel over her shoulder as she leaned her hip against the counter. “Well, my oldest sister got married, and then my second oldest sister refused to be pressured into getting married. Then Constance, my sister who’s just a little older than me, fell in love and…” She shrugged.
A pastel pink color bloomed in her cheeks, making her appear as though she’d just come back from a hike. Her skin practically glowed.
“Anyway, now that his rules are no longer in the way, I guess my sisters have all started going on dates. Now he gets to deal with that series of unfortunate events.”
“And you? Are you currently seeing anyone?” The question was probably too personal and he really didn’t need to know the answer. Part of him didn’t want to know. The whole time he’d been fixated on her, he hadn’t considered whether or not she was dating. Someone as pretty and smart as she was could definitely be in a serious relationship.
For a moment, time slowed down and he held his breath even though he told himself it didn’t matter if she was dating anyone or not. He wasn’t really allowed to date her.
“No. I don’t see the draw to dating right now.”
“Really?” he blurted. “Why not?”
Dianna would have been within her rights to shut him out. The kinds of questions he was asking her were highly inappropriate. But instead of pushing him away, she offered a smile. “Well, you of all people should understand. I don’t mean to be rude, but look what happened between you and Mathew’s mother. Personally, after meeting you, I have a feeling that the fault lies with a specific party. And that happens a lot. Sometimes the fault is found on both sides. I guess I would rather not go through that sort of situation.”
Why did he feel let down?
Dianna wasn’t dating anyone and that meant she was free to spend more time with him and Mathew. He wasn’t supposed to initiate any sort of personal relationship anyway.
But what if he could? She probably wouldn’t be interested in dating him even if the rules weren’t in place.
Not only that, but she made a good point.
She cocked her head to the side and shoved her hands in her back pockets. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to make as many friends as I can.”
“I’ll be your friend.”
They both turned, finding Mathew standing a few feet away.
Dianna laughed. “Boy, you’re quiet.”
He held up a sheet of paper and beamed at her. “I drew you another picture.”
“Oh yeah?” She reached for the page and turned it over, then gave Tristan a sideways glance. “It’s a lovely picture, Mathew. How about you tell me about it.”
Mathew stood on his toes and pointed at the image of two taller people with a smaller person. “This is dad. This is me. And this is you.” All three individuals were holding hands and smiling. “Over there is Molasses. But he’s not part of our family.”
Tristan stiffened as he peered closer at the image. “Mathew?—”
“But maybe one day we could get a horse that’s just for me.” Mathew turned his face toward Dianna, then to his father.
Tristan dropped down so he could be at eye-level with his son. His heart ached, twisting in all kinds of knots. This was a new development he hadn’t been prepared to discuss. Mathew had never been interested in what made up their family besides having a father and a set of grandparents. He’d only known Dianna for a few short days and already he was putting her in pictures—pictures that depicted what he appeared to want in his family.
“Buddy, this picture is really nice. But Dianna is just a friend. She’s not going to be part of our family.”
Mathew frowned, his smile dissolving from his face.
Dianna edged closer to him and placed her hand on his shoulder. “But you know what? Friends can be like family, too. If you want to call me your family, I think that would be an honor. But after Christmas, you’re going to head home and I have to stay here.”
Mathew’s frown deepened and he shook his head. “No.”
“Math—”
“You said I could ask Santa for anything. I want a mom.”
Tristan’s eyes widened and understanding washed over him. “Santa is really special, but sometimes he can’t get you what you want. Remember when we talked about his elves and how they make toys at their workshop?”
“But Santa is magic so he can make it happen,” Mathew insisted.
Prepared to die on this hill, Tristan reached for Mathew’s hands, but Dianna cut him off.
“One year I had this beautiful little pig. She was the runt and she got really sick. I asked Santa and prayed to God that my pig would get better.”
Mathew’s eyes had turned red and he wiped at his nose with the back of his hand. “Did she get better?”
Dianna met Tristan’s eyes briefly. “No. My pig died.”
A tear tumbled down Mathew’s face. “But Santa is magic. And God is supposed to answer our prayers.”
“And sometimes they both have to make a hard decision. My little pig was suffering. She needed to go live with God in heaven. He knew that was the right thing to do even if I didn’t agree with him.”
“Why can’t I have a mom?”
“One day you might,” Dianna insisted. “You will never know until it happens. But not even Santa or God can make people do something they’re not ready to do. Like when you didn’t want to talk to me right away. That was your choice. When you finally do get a new mother, she’s going to be made just for you. And you’ll meet her right when God thinks you’re ready, not a second sooner.”
“How do you know?”
“Because she’ll choose you. She’ll love you so much that she won’t be able to bear living without you.”
Tristan gaped at Dianna. This conversation had taken a turn. Should he be upset that she’d turned this into a spiritual lesson? Was he impressed that once again she’d handled a situation that could have turned ugly? Both thoughts passed through his mind as Mathew rubbed his eyes.
“I want a mom now, though.”
“I know, kiddo. It’s hard to be patient. But you know what else? If you can be patient right now, you’re developing strong muscles. And I bet when you are ready, you’ll be able to show off those muscles to whoever is lucky enough to earn your love.”
He gave her a funny look. “I can’t show those kinds of muscles.”
She laughed. “Okay, you got me. But you could draw her a picture and show her just how wonderful you are from the inside out.”