Chapter 24
24
DIANNA
D ianna paced in her bedroom. What was wrong with her that she couldn’t even handle a simple relationship with a guy who was obviously smitten with her? Not only that, but he was also a great father to Mathew.
The biggest thing holding her back was how irritated she got with his views on how Mathew needed to change. On top of that, she wasn’t sure she was ready to be part guardian to Mathew.
That was the only thing she could think Tristan might want to discuss with her. And there was no way she was ready to talk about that .
Had she entertained the idea a few times since their first kiss? Of course. What girl wouldn’t? She hated to admit that she did a great deal more than simply consider it. She’d gone so far as to ask her older sisters when the best time for a wedding would be or if the time of year even mattered.
After bringing that up, the knowing looks her sisters gave her were the ones she avoided almost religiously. Each of her sisters who were involved or married seemed to act as if she were already engaged or soon would be.
Well, they couldn’t be more wrong. If her anxiety had anything to say about it, she wasn’t ready. She was absolutely terrified that Tristan was pushing her into something that she might not be able to handle.
Normally it took her months to come to a conclusion about something new. The only time she’d jumped into something without thinking was when she’d gotten hired by Shane. And the only reason she did that was because Constance practically dragged her into the office to have an interview.
She’d hated Constance for at least two weeks after that interaction. To be fair, Constance had this way of knowing what was best, even if Dianna wasn’t sure.
Now, it felt like she was on that ice skating rink, but this time Tristan wasn’t helping to hold her up. He was pushing her along faster and faster until the world around her blurred and she couldn’t see straight. Her heart beat faster and her pulse howled like one of the wolves in the woods. She’d lost control of everything, and she didn’t like feeling like she was teetering on the edge of something so dangerous.
Dianna should have known better. She’d been safe when she’d stayed at home reading her books. Her father’s rule had helped facilitate that. Now she had no one to blame but herself. She’d let this happen when she’d allowed her curiosity to get the better of her and she’d kissed Tristan.
She sat on the edge of her bed and let her focus sweep through the room. She’d spent every day in this room growing up. It wasn’t just the place she called home; it was her safe haven. It was the place she went to when the world became too much.
Taking the job with Shane had opened up a whole new world for her. She’d been able to help Mathew, and she wouldn’t trade that for anything. She even looked forward to helping other children reach their goals through working with horses. And she’d come to terms with all of those changes.
So why was it so difficult to accept the change that was happening with Tristan?
That realization was what made this situation so much more difficult. If her head and her heart weren’t in this together, then she wasn’t ready.
That was the plain and simple truth of it all. How people managed to meet and fall in love in such a short time was beyond her. Apparently, Tristan was one of them.
She shot off her bed. Her mind was made up. She was allowed to feel cornered and do what she needed to in order to keep her head. And no one should make her feel bad about it.
Tristan wasn’t due to arrive for about twenty minutes. She had enough time to saddle up and do a few laps with her horse before he got there. She needed the reprieve from her racing thoughts.
Dianna slipped out the front door, avoiding the kitchen where she heard some of her sisters preparing for dinner. The sun had long set and the moon shone bright over the snow. Christmas lights twinkled in the distance from the neighboring ranches. A cold breeze played with her hair and nipped at her cheeks. She pulled her coat tighter around her and shoved her hands into her pockets.
Christmas would be in about a week. Tristan would be due to stay for a little longer after that—unless they decided to stay permanently.
Her stomach fluttered with the thought. It wasn’t unpleasant, but it also didn’t sit well with her. If they stayed, she’d feel obligated to commit to something, which brought her right back around to feeling smothered.
Dianna let out a sigh, and the puff of warm air dissipated around her. She felt absolutely sick to her stomach. Between the guilt and the anxiety, she probably should have just called him and told him that she wasn’t up for their date. But avoiding him would only start something she was even less prepared to deal with.
She wandered into the barn and stopped by her horse’s stall. It didn’t matter how long she stood there, running her hands down the animal’s back or leaning into her strong body; Dianna couldn’t shake this sense of foreboding that seemed to have latched on.
Normally, she could pull herself out of a funk like this. She had gotten to the point in her life where she knew what it would take to return to a peaceful state.
This time felt different. She couldn’t put her finger on it.
“Hey.”
She jumped, causing her horse to sidestep. Dianna faltered with her animal but managed not to stumble or topple over. Her wide eyes swung around, finding Tristan leaning his folded arms on the stall door.
“What are you doing here?” she demanded, a scowl crossing her features. “You’re not supposed to be here for another ten minutes.”
His brows creased. “You don’t look pleased to see me.”
Oh, if only he knew what was about to happen. However, this was not the right place for a discussion like that. The last thing she needed was to associate her favorite location with the conversation she knew she had to have with Tristan.
“It’s not that. I just wasn’t ready for you to show up.” Dianna moved her hand along her horse’s neck once more and offered Tristan a nervous smile. Something niggled at her—like she was making a mistake. But she’d gone over the whole thing in her head. Breaking up with him made sense. She’d run all the scenarios.
Tristan tilted his head, his gaze drilling into her and causing her to grow even more uneasy. Could he tell what she was thinking? He knew; she could feel it. And if she was right, why wasn’t he saying something?
Maybe he was feeling the same way she was.
Even as the thought crossed her mind, she was surprised she didn’t feel more relief with it, which only confused her more.
Head pounding, she tore her gaze away from him and let the awkward silence continue to grow. He’d been early; he could wait until she got what she needed out of her visit with the animals.
“You okay?”
She stilled, refusing to meet his gaze. “Sure, why wouldn’t I be?” It was one of the first big lies she could remember telling anyone. If she were being completely honest, she’d tell him she hadn’t been able to sleep and her appetite had all but disappeared.
“You’re not quite acting yourself.”
She allowed herself a peek in his direction. “Sometimes you might think you know someone better than you actually do.”
“Is that what this is?”
She bit down on her tongue to prevent herself from saying something she might regret. If she wasn’t careful with her words, she might get into more trouble than she originally thought.
“Dianna.”
Glancing at him once more was the worst mistake of her life. His gaze captured hers, refusing to release her. He wasn’t going to give up that easy. So much for postponing the conversation until later. She let out a sigh and faced him. “I’m fine. But there’s something really important I think we need to discuss.”
“I know. It’s why we’re going on our date.” He glanced at his watch. “In about three minutes.”
Dianna shook her head. “Actually, I think that might not be such a good idea.”
He frowned. “Are you feeling sick?”
“In a manner of speaking.”
“But you said you felt okay.” He straightened, opened the stall door, and wandered inside. The stall wasn’t very large in the first place. But with him taking up part of the space, she suddenly felt more claustrophobic than she had in her entire life.
Dianna sucked in sharply and moved backward, earning herself a confused frown from Tristan.
He reached out and grasped her hand. “Hey. I just want to make sure you’re doing okay.”
She couldn’t help it. Something came over her that she hadn’t experienced in years. She yanked her hand from his grasp and looked away. “You need to stop that.”
“Stop what?” He chuckled, but it sounded strained and hollow. “Over the past few weeks, it’s felt like you and me are meant to be together.”
“You can’t know that.”
“Dianna.” The hurt in his voice made her flinch. Just one more thing to feel guilty over. She’d made more than her fair share of mistakes, and she’d be paying for them dearly.
She took in a long, slow breath and let it out through pursed lips. “I’ve had a lot of time to think this over—this you and me thing.” She fidgeted under his scrutiny. Why did this conversation feel so much harder than just resigning to stay in the relationship?
“What about you and me?” His voice softened though there was still an underlying tone of concern.
Dianna blew out a long breath and squeezed her eyes shut to ward off the strange sensations swirling in her stomach. These weren’t normal. While pleasant, she couldn’t ignore what her head had been telling her this whole time. A relationship right now wasn’t going to work. Not with Tristan, not with anyone. His closeness made her want to wrap herself up in his arms and tell him to make her believe they could work. But that was her traitorous heart speaking. She knew better.
Didn’t she?
Tristan’s hand touched her chin. Her eyes flew open, finding his concerned gaze locked onto her. She could do this.
Dianna reached up and pulled his hand down to his side. “I don’t think this is working.”
Immediately his features tightened and he took a step back. “What?”
She swallowed hard, the lump in her throat constricting her so much she wondered if she was making the right decision. “I’ve had a long time to think about this, and I’ve realized I’m not ready.”
“Not ready for what?”
A heavy sigh burst from her chest. “I’m not ready to fall in love. I told you this in the beginning. I don’t even know if I want to have a relationship. I’m a mess, and the only thing that makes sense right now is for me to take a step back.”
His brows creased and he rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re not ready to fall in love.”
“That’s what I said,” she muttered with exasperation. Why wasn’t he listening to her? He’d been able to do so before.
“And you’re not sure you want to be with me.” His gaze flitted up to meet hers, cutting her off before she could add to their discussion. “I’m just trying to piece everything together.” His hands dropped to his sides and he cocked his head slightly. “But you do have feelings for me.”
“I don’t know how that has anything to do with what I’m trying to tell you.”
“And you care about Mathew.”
“Of course. But?—”
“Then we’re not breaking up.”
“ What ?” She gaped at him. He wasn’t allowed to do that, was he?
Tristan shrugged. “We’re not breaking up.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. A relationship takes two people. If one of them wants out, it’s dissolved. You can’t just say you’re going to keep on dating someone if they don’t want to anymore. That’s not how this works.” Her heart rattled in her chest angrily while her stomach knotted deliciously.
He shoved his hands in his pockets, no trace of teasing in his expression. He was being absolutely serious. “From what I see, you are in love even if you don’t want to be. Plus, you care about Mathew. Those are the only things necessary for us to be able to make this work.”
“But—” she sputtered. “But I don’t want ?—”
“I get that. Truly, Dianna, I hear you. But what you don’t seem to understand is that I know you care about me. I’ve experienced your love. From your touch to the way you look at me. And I love you with all my heart. You can try to scare me off. You can push me away, but I am willing to wait as long as it takes. I’ll give you space if you need it. But every now and again I’ll keep calling, visiting, and asking you out.”
“And I’m going to say no.”
He winced, and that guilt slithered back into her stomach, replacing the pleasant feelings that continued to throw her off balance and make her question everything.
“Let me ask you something, Dianna.” He pulled out his hand and rubbed his finger and thumb together as if he needed to get something off them, but she’d seen this tactic before. He was having a hard time with this discussion, too. And if she was right about that, why was he so insistent on staying? Two miserable people shouldn’t stay together.
“What do you want to ask me?” she rasped, hating the way her heart continued its acrobatics.
He glanced up at her and offered a sad smile. “Are you trying to break up with me because you truly don’t want to be with me? Or because you’re scared?”
She stiffened. “Does it matter? I’m making a decision I think is best for me.”
“It matters to me,” he said.
Dianna threw up her hands. “You’re so infuriating. I just want to break up so I can breathe. I feel trapped. I don’t want to be pushed into a corner.”
He blinked. “Is that really how you feel about me?”
“I keep telling you this, and you keep ignoring me. Everything you just said, it’s not romantic to me. You’re bossing me around, making decisions for me that you think are best. I’m not your child.”
“I know.”
“Then stop trying to force me to do something I don’t want. That’s how resentment begins. So you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be there?” Her heavy breaths were the only sound between them, and they weighed her down like she had been attached to an anchor and dropped into the depths of the ocean. She was drowning, and the only thing that could possibly be causing this feeling was because she was here … with him. She needed out. Emotion caught in her throat and she let out a hiccup. “Can’t you see this was never supposed to happen?”
“How can you say that?” His whisper tore through her, ripping her insides apart.
“I’m sorry, Tristan. I never meant for you to get hurt. I thought…” She didn’t know what she thought anymore. She should have never allowed herself to develop feelings for him in the first place because now she wanted nothing more than to have him hold her. The tug-o-war with her heart and her head continued making things worse. “I’m sorry,” she repeated.
Dianna brushed past him and ran down the aisle toward the house. Her eyes brimmed with hot moisture until they overflowed, and the tears stung her cheeks. If this was the right decision, then why was she feeling like she’d just lost the most important thing in her life?
She shot into the house and slammed the door shut so she could catch her breath as she leaned against it.
“You okay?”
Dianna yelped and covered her mouth with her hand, finding Grace standing in the darkened doorway of the living room, the lights from their Christmas tree making her appear as if she was glowing.
“What are you doing?” Dianna demanded, “You nearly gave me a heart attack.”
Grace glanced over her shoulder. “Just putting a present under the tree. What are you doing? It looks like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Dianna shut her eyes briefly. “I just broke up with Tristan.”
Grace’s brows lifted, but she didn’t say anything.
“Don’t ask.”
“Wasn’t gonna.”
Dianna let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
A loud rapping sound on the door nearly caused her to screech again. Her eyes flew wide and she stumbled away from the door. That could only be one person.
“You gonna get that?” Grace asked.
Dianna shook her head. “I don’t want to talk to him.”
“You probably owe him an explanation.”
She glared at her sister. “I told him exactly what he needed to hear. Nothing more.”
“Obviously, he needs more,” Grace said when he knocked again.
Dianna shook her head. “I can’t do it. Not right now. Not with the way I’m feeling inside.” She spun on her heel and strode toward the stairs. If she opened that door, she probably would allow him to change her mind. While she knew this decision was the right one for her, the tension and flutters that accosted her were pleading for her to reconsider.
Too bad she was smarter than that. There were more important things than satisfying the needs of the heart.