Chapter 7 #2
Suddenly, Lucas knew what Gage was going to say, and he wanted to beg him not to. He wanted to hit pause and just leave things the way they were because those words were going to change everything.
But he owed his friend this moment, so he bit his tongue. Literally.
“There was stuff on my dick. Dry, sticky stuff. Uh. Yeah, so I panicked, and I went to the campus clinic a week later and got tested.”
“And?”
“I had something,” Gage whispered. “Not one of the big somethings that’s going to last forever. A little something where I had to take this super fucking disgusting powdered antibiotic that tasted like grape Kool-Aid and cockroach ass.”
“Fuck,” Lucas whispered. It felt like his world had been made of glass, and now when he reached out to touch the walls, they were covered in spiderweb cracks that left tiny cuts behind. “So you were, ah…”
“Assaulted,” Gage said. “I’m still struggling with the word.
My therapist has been super cool about it.
She says I don’t have to name it in order to deal with the trauma it caused.
” He let out a puff of air. “I called Jonny when I got back, but his phone was disconnected, so I went to his place, but no one was ever home. Right before I left, a friend of mine and I went by to look in the windows, and all their shit was gone.”
“Oh my god,” Lucas said. “Did you social media stalk him?”
“Yeah. His Insta went private for a while, then it disappeared. Or he changed the name and blocked me. Whatever. I couldn’t find him. At this point, I don’t care. Or…I didn’t care.”
Shit. That wasn’t all, was it? Lucas knew there was more to this story.
“A few weeks ago, I got this summons or whatever it is. It was in the mail—a request for a paternity test.”
“What?” Lucas asked flatly.
Gage laughed, but the sound was hollow. “Her name wasn’t actually Sara. It was Alayna Allen. She and Jonny apparently moved to Arizona, and she filed for some kind of state benefits, which required her to establish paternity for her baby.”
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. Lucas didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think. This had to be a bad dream. His best friend in the whole world was coping with the idea that he’d been assaulted, and suddenly…this gets dropped in his lap?
He wrapped both of his arms around Gage and held him tightly, squeezing harder when Gage began to shake. “Have you even seen this alleged baby?”
Gage let out a watery, rough laugh and shook his head against Lucas’s chest. “Uh, no. Just the paternity request order. It came in the other day.”
The other day. The other—oh. Oh. When Gage was acting really weird. When he was more not himself than he had been in months. Lucas knew he’d been healing since moving back home. He just hadn’t realized what kind of gaping wounds his friend was dealing with.
“I’m so sorry. Fuck. I want to cry. Or scream. Or punch that fucker in the fucking face,” Lucas growled. “And I’m not trying to make this about me. I swear. I just…I love you so much. And the idea that—” His voice cracked, and he took a breath.
Gage was calmer now. He was also trembling, but Lucas realized after a second it was because he was laughing. “You’re the best.”
“I’m so not. I didn’t even notice it was that bad.”
“No one did. Well…my dad. He and Kash kind of figured me out.”
“Do they know?”
Gage shook his head again, harder this time. “No. They think that Jonny was hitting me or something. I don’t know how I can tell them that I…that he drugged me and that his girlfriend, you know…”
“Yeah,” Lucas breathed. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to tell his dad that either. “So what are you going to do? Does your dad know about the paternity thing?”
“Not yet. I’m going to tell him tomorrow. I want him to drive me to go take it. I think if I try to go alone, I’ll have a panic attack.”
“And what happens after? Like…if you find out it’s positive or a match or whatever?”
Gage was quiet for a long time. He pulled away slightly, but he took Lucas’s hands and began to squeeze them like they were a stress ball.
“I don’t know. I used to think I wanted to be a dad.
Then I thought maybe a fun uncle would be cooler.
I didn’t ask for any of this, and I’m not sure I could look at that baby and… and not think of what happened.”
Lucas let out a trembling breath. “I get it.”
“Does that make me a monster? To blame some kid who didn’t ask for any of this?”
“Fuck no,” Lucas said. He took one of his hands back and laid it on Gage’s cheek. His skin was wet and clammy. He was crying. Jesus, he wanted to commit actual murder. Vicious, gory, painful murder.
“Would it make me a total freak if I did want to be part of the baby’s life?”
“Also no. Dude, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to this question.”
Gage laughed thickly. “Mm. That’s what my therapist said. But I don’t know. None of this feels real.”
“You know that whatever you decide, literally everyone will be here for you.” Lucas reached up to pet Gage’s hair.
It was soft, a little greasy from the sweat he’d probably worked up on his shift.
Lucas let his fingers sift through it gently, the motion soothing to the both of them.
“Can I say something? You might not like it.”
Gage snorted. “I appreciate you checking in, but I owe you a while of letting you be blunt without it getting to me.”
Lucas sighed and decided not to correct him on that bullshit. Instead, he laid his cheek against the top of Gage’s head. “I think if you choose to be a dad, you’ll be a really amazing one. And I think if you choose not to, your life will be very full and, someday, really happy.”
Gage said nothing for a while. He lay still in Lucas’s arms. “I don’t want to fuck up.
Everyone in the family—they’re all happy now, but it took them forever to get that way.
When Boden came back from getting blown up and dumped, he was…
different. He used to be this super-fun uncle, and all I wanted to do was spend time with him.
Then love kicked him right in the balls, and for a while, I thought maybe he was just going to live like some human burrito in our basement. ”
Lucas couldn’t help a small laugh. “That’s the weirdest metaphor I have ever heard, but yeah.
I mean, I get it. Look at my dad. He was married to a jackass, he was kind of a crap dad for a lot of years and wallowed in guilt for so fucking long.
I remember when Dallas came to visit right before the divorce was final.
I wanted to run away and go live with him because I couldn’t take the way it felt in my house.
But then, of course, he was dealing with his own shit. ”
“I don’t want to wait until I’m in my forties for my happily ever after,” Gage whispered.
Lucas held him tighter. “Me either. Being a virgin forever feels like the worst thing in the world.”
“You won’t be. People our age suck, but people won’t be twenty-two forever.”
Lucas immediately thought about Frankie. He didn’t know how old he was, but he was definitely not twenty-two. Thought it was laughable to think that he’d be interested in Lucas for anything real.
“Did I say something wrong?” Gage asked.
“No.” Lucas hummed softly to himself. “So. Do we eat? Or do we wallow? Feels weird to talk about all of that, then have pizza.”
Gage burst into laughter, rolling Lucas onto his back and shoving his head into his stomach. “I’m starving. Let me cope how I cope.”
Lucas grinned, setting his hand to the side of Gage’s neck. “Alright. Let’s feed you, growing boy. Need to get them firefighter muscles big and strong so someone you like wants to touch your butt.”
“Gross.”
Lucas grinned as he sat up. “Ah, you love my honesty.”
There was a pause—a heavy silence—and then Gage said, “It feels weird to agree, but I do. I want to be wanted again.”
“That won’t be a problem,” Lucas vowed, and goddamn, he meant it.