Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
FRANKIE
“Shit. I’m sorry. I just…I’m…” He was panicking.
“I’m not ashamed,” Lucas said, pulling away. His voice was tense. Hurt. “There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at my age, you know.”
Frankie grabbed him and yanked him close. “No. No, that’s not what I meant. God. You’re just so…vibrant and beautiful and powerful. I understand it’s probably a personal choice, so I don’t mean to make it sound weird.”
Lucas’s face was mottled pink from the apples of his cheeks to his ears and slightly down his neck.
“It’s not a personal choice. But at my age, guys aren’t lining up to touch the dick of a blind autistic dude.
It’s hard enough being gay. Being gay and imperfect—a guy who stims a lot and has no eyes?
There’s a unicorn out there for me, I’m sure, but I haven’t found him yet.
Everyone promises it gets easier when I get older, but right now, it sucks. ”
“I’m sorry,” Frankie whispered. “People have no idea what they’re missing.”
“Yeah, you say that like you want to fuck me.”
“I do.” Oh god, again? Again? His tongue was trying to get him hung, drawn, and quartered by this man and his protective family.
Lucas was dead silent.
“I…” Frankie swallowed. He knew in that moment taking it back would crush him, and it would also be a lie. “I don’t mean to be the weird neighbor who’s cuddling with you and not-so-subtly hitting on you. That’s not why I’m here, okay? I didn’t come to…I mean…it’s…”
“Hey. Breathe.”
Frankie wheezed a laugh. Shouldn’t it have been him saying that?
“I’m not offended, and I don’t think you’re a creep. I was lusting even when I hated your guts for being an ass.”
Frankie felt that like a hard blow to the back of the head. What the hell was there about him that Lucas would possibly like? “You think my malnutritioned chaos is hot?”
Lucas laughed and rolled toward him again.
His hand lifted, hesitated, then reached out.
It took a short forever for him to find Frankie’s jaw, and then he traced his fingers over his rough, unshaven cheek.
“I figured your face would be rough. I think that’s sexy.
And your voice—like autumn spices. And you’re kind.
You’re an asshole, but then you feel really bad about it, and most people don’t.
That’s sexy too. I also think you’re good at your job, and I like that. ”
“Oh.”
“And you love your family—double hot. You don’t treat me like I’m some sad, hyper little squirrel who needs to be taken care of and hand-fed like I’m some kind of pet. That makes me feel good.”
Frankie closed his eyes. “I don’t know what to say to all that. It…I think it makes me want to punch people.”
Lucas laughed again, his fingers toying with Frankie’s. “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to understand why I don’t think it’s weird. And why I didn’t realize you might, you know, think I’m not so bad.”
Frankie eased Lucas back away from him, pushing up on his elbow so he could look at him properly. Lucas must have known exactly what Frankie was doing because he stayed still, his face pointed up toward the ceiling, chest rising and falling with a breath a lot calmer than Frankie’s was.
“You like looking at me?”
“Yes,” Frankie admitted. “I’ve been doing it a lot.”
“Oh.”
“And I want…fuck.” He breathed out the last word on a soft sigh. “Lucas, I don’t know if this is a good idea.”
Lucas’s expression turned shattered. “Yeah. I hear that a lot—”
“No, you don’t understand. I am a mess. I was not joking about being all chaos.
I was barely in my twenties when I was suddenly responsible for my little brothers’ well-being.
I didn’t even know how to take care of myself before I had to keep these two kids alive, and it was hard.
Our lives were so hard. Then they grew up, and I felt like I was getting my shit together. I got married—”
“Oh my god, you’re married?”
He looked like he wanted to run away, so Frankie grabbed his hand again and held it to his lips, pressing a not-quite kiss to his knuckles.
“I’m not married now. I had a husband who wasn’t really a nice guy, but he put up with my anxiety and stress.
I knew it wasn’t going to last. He didn’t like my siblings. ”
“Sounds like a douche.”
Frankie laughed hard. “He was a massive douche. Four years ago, I got a call from a CPS worker at the hospital telling me that my mom had just been arrested and her six-week-old daughter needed someone to care for her.”
“Oh, shit,” Lucas murmured. He turned his face toward Frankie. “I mean, I know you said she was your sister and shit with your mom was complicated, but—”
“Yeah. She was born with drugs in her system. They said she was medically complicated. It took a few weeks to figure out it was cerebral palsy and cortical blindness. And seizures they don’t know if she’ll have forever or if she’ll outgrow them.
” He took a beat, closing his eyes as he remembered her tiny body and how she fit into the crook of one arm with room to grow.
“I didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want another sibling to take care of, but I loved her, and I agreed to take her in, and my husband left me. ”
“Holy shit.”
“I knew he would. I knew the moment I told him what was happening, he’d pack his shit and go.
I was almost grateful it only took that one thing.
” Frankie licked his lips and threaded his fingers with Lucas’s.
“I’m adopting her officially. I have a job that pays sort of okay—enough for us to get by.
But I have brothers who need me a lot, and I will not make them feel second best for anyone or anything. I’m not a catch.”
“I mean, one man’s trash, right?” Lucas said.
Frankie froze, then burst into laughter. “Really?”
Lucas was grinning from ear to ear. “I’m just saying that one man’s nightmare that makes him leave a marriage might be another man’s wet dream.”
Frankie felt a heavy weight in his chest, right over his heart. “Trust me, I’m no one’s dream. And I like you, and I…god, I find you so wildly attractive it’s almost an obsession. But I don’t know if I could be even a fraction of what you need, let alone what you deserve.”
Pushing up on his elbows, Lucas scoffed. “I’m not asking for a proposal. I’m not even asking for a boyfriend.”
“So what do you want?”
“A friend.”
“Okay,” Frankie said slowly. He knew that wasn’t all.
“A friend who will know how to take care of me. How to…how to make my first time feel good. A friend I can trust to deserve time with me.” Lucas’s voice was trembling a little.
It was clear he was shaking with nerves.
“I’m tired of not having ever been touched.
I don’t want to know that people have wanted me and I didn’t realize it because I wasn’t paying attention. ”
“Is that what you think I’ve done?”
“No, that’s what my uncle said when I asked him if I was ugly.”
Frankie let out a shocked laugh. “You are not ugly. Not on the inside, not on the outside.” He was still processing what Lucas was asking for. “Is that really all you want?”
“For now,” Lucas said. “I mean, maybe you’ll meet some hot guy with more of his shit together than I have who makes your toes curl when you kiss him. And maybe I’ll meet someone like that too. In the future. But for now, we could have this.”
Emboldened, Frankie reached over. He laid a touch against Lucas’s neck, then dragged it up to his jaw, then higher to his lips. “This?”
Lucas shuddered. “Mm.”
Frankie drew his fingers down lower, over Lucas’s Adam’s apple, down his sternum, toward his abs, which jumped under his touch. “This?”
“Fuck,” Lucas gasped. He pushed back against the pillows. “Please don’t be fucking with me. Please, please…”
“I’m not.” Frankie understood autism enough to know that Lucas needed to know what Frankie wanted and what he was willing to give. What he was planning to give. “I want to kiss you and touch you tonight. I want to make you come.”
Lucas hummed a slightly high-pitched whine when Frankie’s fingers began to push under the waistband of his sweats. “That’s not going to take long.” His words were ragged and desperate.
Frankie lowered his head. He felt wild and bold. “I know, princess.”
“Oh Jesus.” Lucas’s dick was tenting his pants, a wet spot making the light grey turn dark.
“Turn your head toward me, okay?”
Lucas obeyed. “I’m nervous. I don’t totally know what I’m doing.”
“There’s not much to it. I’ll put my mouth on yours, and you can part your lips and taste my tongue if you want. Or I can taste yours. It’s instinct. Follow that and you won’t go wrong.”
“Your faith in me might be too much.”
“I think it’s just right,” Frankie said.
He leaned in and let his lips graze over Lucas’s jaw.
He could feel every twitch in his body, and he knew that he was too worked up to hold back.
Lucas wouldn’t be able to stop himself from coming on a kiss alone, and that made Frankie feel wild and almost feral.
“Turn your head toward me,” he said again.
Lucas did.
“Tell me when you’re ready.”
“Oh fuck, I’m ready. I’ve been ready forever. Please, god, please.”
Frankie wasn’t going to make him wait longer or beg more. He’d done that enough. He deserved so much more than he’d ever gotten, and while he couldn’t offer him everything, he could give Lucas this.
His hand pressed against Lucas’s cheek, guiding him in. Then their lips touched. He kept it slow, holding it there, waiting for any sign that Lucas was ready for more.
“Okay,” Lucas whispered.
Frankie smudged their mouths together, then pulled back slightly. “Not your first kiss, was it?”
“Mm. No.” Lucas sounded a little far off, like he was slipping from the present moment. “But I haven’t been kissed a lot. And it’s never been good. Not like this.”
Frankie cupped Lucas’s chin, his eyes half-open, looking at the reflection of light off Lucas’s prosthetics. His eyelids were heavy and halfway closed. “Then let me kiss you properly.”