8. Lucas #2
‘A beaten dog will still be devoted to its master, Lucas. That much I know. My father was the same and yet I loved him and desperately wanted his approval. Even up to the day he died I was hoping he’d tell me just once that he was proud of me.
But it never came and that’s something I can’t ever change.
But with you… I need to swallow my stupid pride and put things right while I still can.
I am, and always have been, incredibly proud of you.
Lucas, you are an amazing man, and I love you dearly. ’
Lucas could barely swallow because the lump in his throat was so big.
His father was proud of him. He loved him and he had apologised.
There was, as he had said, no quick fix for their relationship but this was progress and progress he had not been expecting.
He’d thought their time together would be tense, difficult and challenging but here they were less than a week since he’d arrived and they’d already taken more steps forwards than they had done in years.
‘We can heal together, Lucas, if you want to try,’ his father said.
‘I want to try.’ Lucas nodded.
‘Thank you.’
‘Shall we uhm … have a drink of something while we go through the boxes? I feel a bit wrung out after that and it would be nice to have something to?—’
‘Take the edge off it?’ His father laughed.
‘Exactly that, Dad.’
‘There’s a bottle of brandy in the sideboard.’
‘Brandy’s good.’ Lucas went to the cupboard and got the bottle out.
It hadn’t been opened so he broke the seal and got two glasses from the shelf inside the cupboard.
They were dusty so he took them to the kitchen and as he swilled them, he realised his hands were shaking.
It was the heightened emotion and the frank talking that had done it, but he didn’t mind because despite what he had told himself over the years, he had hoped that one day he might be able to feel close to his father.
Neither of them was getting younger, therefore it was good that they were taking this chance to speak about their feelings and to try to make peace.
The saddest thing about it was that his mum wasn’t here so she couldn’t experience the relief of knowing that the two men she’d loved more than anyone else in the world were trying to heal their rift.
Back in the lounge, he poured brandy into the glasses then handed one to his father. They clinked glasses then drank and Lucas sighed as the brandy warmed his stomach and eased the tension in his neck and shoulders.
‘You know what, Dad? I’m pretty beat so how about we go through the boxes tomorrow?’
‘I think that’s very wise, Lucas. I’m exhausted.’
‘Shall we put something on the TV and chill out?’
‘Yes, and shall we order some food in?’ His father’s eyes lit up and Lucas nodded.
‘That is a fantastic plan. I’m really hungry actually.’
‘What shall we have?’
‘Up to you, Dad.’ Lucas took another swig of brandy and held it in his mouth before swallowing it and sitting back and relaxing.
‘No, Lucas, you choose. It’s your time now.’ His father sat back too and they both gazed at the fire while the logs crackled and popped and the brandy warmed them from within.
Lucas ordered food from the local fish and chip shop on his phone then poured more brandy. They could sort the decorations tomorrow and get the tree in from the garden where Lucas had left it standing in its pot while he went into the attic.
As the brandy soothed him, he wondered what Thora would make of this.
She’d known his father quite well when they were dating and had known how harsh he could be, how critical and sometimes cruel.
He’d thought he’d seen a flash of that at the café when his father had told Lucas that Thora was married.
But now he looked back, perhaps his father wasn’t actually being cruel there, perhaps he’d been trying to remember.
With some good food inside him and some company, his father’s memory seemed to be improving and Lucas wondered if it had been neglect that had led to the confusion his father sometimes seemed to face.
Only time would tell and now he was here he intended to keep an eye on his father and see how things went.
Lucas had perhaps misread the situation at the café thinking his father was the same as ever.
People could change though, with time and reflection, and his father had changed so much that Lucas barely recognised him.
He was incredibly grateful that this change had come about, and happy that he’d come home because if he hadn’t then they would never have had this time to put things right between them.
They were building bridges and it felt good.
And, Lucas thought, if he could build bridges with his father then surely that meant nothing was impossible?
If he could repair this relationship, could he repair the one with Thora too? Just imagine if that was possible!
‘Anything is possible, Lucas,’ his father said as if reading his mind. ‘If you still have feelings for Thora then tell her. Don’t leave it too late.’
‘But Dad… it’s been so long, and she’s been through a lot in that time. She’s been married and had children and we’ve both changed.’
‘In some ways you have yes, but in here?’ His father tapped his chest with his fist. ‘Have you changed in there? Have your feelings for Thora changed so much that you no longer see her the way you did?’
Lucas chewed the inside of his cheek as he thought about it.
He still cared for her, thought she was beautiful, had been unable to put thoughts of her far from his mind since he’d come back to the village.
She had even haunted his dreams where she’d been friendly and flirtatious then running away from him, teasing him with being hot and cold while he longed to hold her, kiss her and tell her he loved her still.
‘Oh god!’ He sat upright. ‘I still love her. I do. I wasn’t sure but I love her. What am I going to do, Dad?’ He turned to his father and saw that he was smiling.
‘You are going to put things right with her, Lucas. You are going to speak to her and explain whatever it is that you need to explain and you’re going to ask her if there’s a way forwards for you both.
If not, then at least you’ll have tried but you’ll never know if you don’t.
And I would hate to see you regret that for the rest of your life. ’
‘I would hate to regret it for the rest of my life,’ Lucas said with a nod. ‘It would haunt me forever, mess with my head, destroy any peace I could otherwise find.’
‘Well then, son, it looks like you’ve a busy Christmas ahead of you.’
‘It certainly does.’
‘Now top up our glasses and then we can enjoy our food when it arrives.’
‘I’m ravenous now.’
‘Me too.’ His father grinned. ‘And a little bit tipsy!’
They laughed as Lucas poured more golden-brown liquid into the glasses and they drank a toast to the past, to the future and to putting things right.
It wasn’t easy to speak openly about mistakes and things they’d done wrong, but he felt better for doing so.
Next, Lucas needed to address what he’d done wrong towards Thora too.
Tomorrow would be a new day… A new day when anything was possible.