16. Thora
THORA
S itting in the café with Finn a few days later, Thora found her gaze drifting to the window.
The gardens were beautiful throughout the year but now, in December, they were a different kind of beautiful.
Snow had fallen again during the night, covering everything with a fluffy white topping.
This looked pure and fresh against the dark tree branches and hedges, contrasting with the blood-red holly berries and dark green holly leaves.
The snow created a contrast so that colours were brighter, more obvious than they would be without the surrounding white.
Her thoughts drifted to Lucas as they had done frequently since she’d known he was back in the village and her heart ached.
The kisses they had shared in the café kitchen had been passionate, exhilarating, and she had felt alive again in the way she used to.
But she was not a teenager or a twenty-something now and she never would be again.
In fact, she had two teenaged children who needed her to maintain a level head and to be their mother, their rock, and their emotional support as they navigated the difficult adolescent years.
How could she do that if she was crazy about a man who wasn’t even their father?
Since she had kissed Lucas, she had gone over the pros and cons of falling for him again, and it had made her head throb and her body ache like she had the flu.
She was struggling to sleep at night, then struggling to climb out of bed in the mornings because she was so exhausted.
This wasn’t acceptable, and she knew she had to shake this off before she became ill and let her family down.
Her parents weren’t getting any younger and they would soon need her more.
Her children needed her, Barry needed her and even her ex-husband needed her.
Thora was not a girl with time and energy to spare these days, and she did not have the luxury of time and energy to lavish on Lucas.
‘So what do you think?’ Finn asked.
They were sitting on the leather sofa with Barry between them. Finn had a notepad open on the table and he was talking Thora through some of his proposal ideas.
Thora blinked. She hadn’t heard what he’d said last because she’d drifted off and now she felt bad because she seemed rude.
‘Take me through the list again from the top. I want to compare the ideas to get a feel for all of them together.’
‘Sure.’ Finn grinned. ‘OK then … We have Snowy Stroll Surprise in the café gardens. There will be a gift box under one of Pearl’s planted Christmas trees and inside will be the ring and a note.’
‘I like that. Traditionally romantic.’ Thora nodded. ‘Go on.’
‘Then there’s Carol Singers on Christmas Eve.
They come to the door, and we stand there and listen, hand in hand, before they sing custom lyrics that are about our love story to a well-known tune.
When the song ends, I go down on one knee and propose.
I was thinking one of them could have a Christmas cracker that they give to Titus and inside is the ring. ’
‘Nice.’ Thora smiled.
‘Next is Twelve Days of Love. I gift Titus romantic notes for twelve days leading up to Christmas, and the final note has a ring inside it. Then I propose.’
‘Cute.’ Thora stroked Barry’s ears as he nuzzled into her, his head on her lap.
‘And then I have some fun ones because … well, you know I like a laugh. First up is Santa’s Lap Mishap.’
‘Oh god, that sounds dodgy!’ Thora shuddered.
Finn laughed and shook his head. ‘It’s not so bad, I promise. I dress as Santa and Titus sits on my lap. Not for long though, as he’s heavy. He gets a gift box and inside are smaller boxes until finally the smallest box has a ring.’
‘That one’s OK, but not my favourite.’ Thora wrinkled her nose.
‘Nor mine,’ Finn said. ‘So how about Snowman Smasher? I build a snowman with the ring at his heart, and we have to smash him up like a pinata and then Titus finds the ring in his chest?’
‘The ring could get lost in all the smashing though…’ Thora pulled a face, and Finn crossed the suggestion off his list. ‘True.’
‘Finally … Flash Mob Reindeer Dance. We have a flash mob of dancers dressed as reindeer in the village square and at the end, I join in and produce the ring. It could go viral.’
‘Oh god … think of the twins.’
‘They’d probably enjoy it.’
‘You’re probably right,’ she agreed.
‘I have a few other ideas, but I need to flesh them out first.’
‘OK, well when you’re ready, I’m happy to hear them.’
‘Fabulous!’ Finn closed his notepad and placed the pen on top of it, then he sat back and crossed his legs. ‘So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong with you?’
‘Nothing’s wrong with me.’
‘You look like someone put reindeer poop in your cereal, Thora. I know you too well for you to lie to me, remember?’
Thora sighed and wrapped her hands around her mug of tea. She’d been sipping it slowly, but now she felt like downing it to avoid telling Finn what was on her mind. However, she feared she would drive herself mad if she didn’t share what was going on inside.
‘I … I kissed him.’
‘Who?’ Finn’s eyes widened, and he sat forwards, placed a hand on her knee.
‘Who do you think? I don’t make a habit of throwing myself at locals, you know!’
‘I know that, but the shock made me say it reflexively. You mean you kissed the gorgeous Lucas?’
She nodded, shame making her cheeks burn.
‘Well hello there, Thora! Now come on, tell me how it happened. I’m desperate to know more.’ Finn was grinning at her and she felt like throwing her tea into his face. He had it all figured out, and she was, it seemed, now a train wreck and all because her first love had come back to the village.
‘You know how things were when we were younger?’
‘You and Lucas were love’s young dream. Everyone in school and college wanted to be like you two.
Well, I did anyway, and then I got to marry you, so I kind of won in that respect, but then I turned out to be gay …
Well, I was always gay, but I hadn’t really admitted it to myself.
Not fully anyway because of the bisexual thing.
However, I wasn’t sure if it was you or Lucas that I fancied when we were all at college and so?—’
Thora slapped a hand to her forehead and sighed. ‘Focus, Finn.’
‘Sorry!’ He shook his head. ‘Carry on.’ He waved a hand in a forwards motion.
‘Lucas and I were crazy about each other and then things went wrong, but it was partly because of me and partly because of him. Neither of us was more to blame, but we were both so stubborn and immature and … downright stupid. Anyway, we messed up, but I’m glad we did because otherwise I wouldn’t be a mumto the twins and you and I had some good times over the years.
Plus, we’re best friends and I wouldn’t throw that away for anything.
But … this whole situation is complicated because every time I see him, I feel like I’m eighteen again.
He just gets to me in here.’ She thumped a hand on her chest, and Finn took her hand and kissed the fist. ‘What am I going to do?’
‘Tell me how you ended up kissing!’ Finn said.
‘Oh … yes… He came here a few nights ago as I was closing up and helped me and then, we were in the kitchen and suddenly it was like something took over and we were hugging and kissing and he… I just had this overwhelming rush of feelings.’
‘Lust?’ Finn’s eyes were wide.
‘Yes.’ Thora grimaced. ‘What is wrong with me?’
‘Darling, you’re a passionate woman. You’re beautiful, fiery, emotional and you’re entitled to feel lust, you know. It’s been a while for you as well since you … you know.’
‘But I’m over forty.’ She sagged in her seat and Barry shifted position so he was on his back, his legs in the air.
‘What’s that got to do with it?’
‘Look at me, Finn. I’ve had two babies. At the same time! My body is stretched and soft and I have cellulite and broken veins and hair sprouting from places I can’t even reach, anymore. I’m not like I was back then…’ Her voice came out as a whine and Finn looked at her, then burst out laughing.
‘No, you’re not and thank dog for that!’ He looked down at Barry. ‘Isn’t that right, Barry? Thank dog for that.’
‘But back then, I was firm and blemish free. I didn’t have thread veins or cellulite or a soft pouch of a belly that hangs over my knickers like the top of a muffin.’
Finn was shaking his head. ‘The problem is, Thora, you’re focusing on the wrong things.
You are truly beautiful. Your body has carried two incredible children.
You grew them inside you and nurtured them with your body.
You carried them almost to term, so yes, your stomach got stretched and yes, you have stretch marks and cellulite, but what of it?
Skin changes all the time, but yours shows what you’ve done as a woman and as a mum.
The thread veins are cool because they appeared when you were carrying so much blood in your body because of the pregnancy.
They’re evidence of what an amazing job your body did.
The stretch marks too. And as for cellulite, all women have it to some degree.
Your body is not the toned one you had years ago, but it’s even better.
You were a girl then but now you’re a woman. ’
‘I can’t imagine taking my clothes off in front of another man.’
Finn snorted. ‘Why not?’
‘I can barely look at myself in the mirror, let alone show someone else and not just anyone else, someone who saw me the way I used to be.’
‘Thora … You can’t do this to yourself. Do you really think if you and Lucas get to the bedroom together that he’s going to think anything other than how bloody lucky he is?
Lucas will be conscious of his own body too, you know.
Us men do care about these things. But I promise you all he will see is your beauty and he’ll be thanking his lucky stars that you’ve given him another chance. ’
Thora rested her head on the back of the sofa, then closed her eyes. ‘That’s if we even get that far, of course, because I just don’t know if I’m being crazy even considering getting involved with him again. There’s too much at stake.’
Finn squeezed her shoulder, and she opened her eyes and found him gazing at her.
‘Thora, you’re my bestie. I love you to bits.
I wish you’d be kinder to yourself. If that kiss you shared with Lucas made your world shake, then you still have something special between you.
Please don’t close yourself off to him now because you might not get another chance with him.
This could be it and you owe it to yourself and to him to see if you can make it work this time around. ’
Thora placed her hand on top of his. ‘I love you, Finn. You’re the best bestie.’
‘No you’re the bestie.’ He leant close and kissed her cheek, then grabbed his notebook off the table. ‘I have just had a marvellous idea for the proposal.’
‘What is it?’
‘I’ll tell you once I’ve figured it out fully. For now, I want every detail about that kiss because you’ve avoided telling me properly.’ He winked at her and Thora laughed.
‘I need another mug of tea.’
‘I’ll have one too and one of those delicious brandy butter mince pies with some clotted cream.’
‘Anything else?’ Thora asked as she eased Barry off her lap and stood up.
‘Just the full story about you and Lucas and that kiss.’
‘Sure.’ Thora left him and Barry and went to the counter, sending out thanks to the universe for the gift of her ex-husband because he was the best friend a woman could have.
She’d lost him as a husband but gained him as a friend, and their relationship was exactly as it should always have been.
She wished the same could be said now of her relationship with Lucas.
Then they could all have a very merry Christmas…