24. Thora
THORA
T he expression on Lucas’ face did not suggest that he had been expecting to see Thora there and she almost said as much to Finn.
Instead, she calmly walked around the counter and stood next to her ex-husband, gazing at Lucas and wondering if he would make a run for it while he still could.
But he didn’t. He walked over to them and met her eyes.
‘Thora. Finn. Pearl. Good evening.’
‘Hello, Lucas, what can I get you?’ Pearl asked.
‘Coffee would be great, thanks. Is that what you’re having?’ he asked Thora and Finn.
‘Yes, please,’ Thora said to Pearl.
‘I’m not actually staying,’ Finn said. ‘I’m going to walk down with Pearl in a bit.
You’ll have some uninterrupted time alone to talk.
And I mean really talk.’ Finn looked at them both meaningfully and Thora hoped Lucas wouldn’t think he was overstepping the mark.
‘Then you two can lock up when you’re done. ’
‘Of course,’ Thora said. ‘Is that OK with you, Lucas?’
He nodded. ‘Sure thing.’
When they both had steaming mugs of coffee and a plate of gingerbread stars to share, Thora led the way over to the table by the leather sofa and they sat down opposite each other. She sat on the sofa while Lucas took a chair.
‘Right then,’ Finn said, turning off most of the lights except for the fairy lights on the tree and around the windows. The tiny lights glowed softly, giving the café a cosy and intimate atmosphere. ‘Have fun and stay safe. See you later, Thora.’
‘See you,’ she said.
‘Merry Christmas, both,’ Pearl said. ‘I hope you can work things out. You make such a beautiful couple.’
‘Thanks,’ Thora and Lucas said together as Finn and Pearl stepped out into the snow.
Thora cupped her hands around her mug and glanced at Lucas. He seemed deep in thought, tracing the rim of his mug with a finger. The soft glow from the Christmas lights reflected in his eyes and gave his skin a warm glow.
‘So…’ Thora released into the air. ‘Where do we start?’
Lucas sat back and met her eyes. The chair creaked as he shifted on it. ‘How about we start with the truth about everything?’
Thora looked out at the evening where the snow was falling thicker now. The lights in the gardens pulsed and the snow shimmered like diamond dust. They were completely secluded up here in the café; it was just them and the past now, and it was time to truly talk about it.
‘OK.’ She nodded slowly. ‘Do you want to go first?’
Lucas sighed then said, ‘I love you, Thora. I always have and I always will, and I am deeply sorry I didn’t fight for us last time.
I should have done but as I’ve said to you before, I was young, proud and stupid.
I thought I was going to enjoy a bigger and better life in London, but I honestly didn’t think it would be without you.
But when you came to see me and you believed that girl when she said I was cheating… I was furious.’
Her eyes stung at the memory. ‘I should have trusted you but then you said I was boring.’
‘And what a horrid, mean and thoughtless things that was to say. It wasn’t and isn’t true.
You’re the least boring person I know. You sparkle, Thora, and you light up every room you enter.
You bring light to my life, and I can’t bear the thought of not having you in my world now.
I know my father’s behaviour had an impact on me growing up and I wish it hadn’t, but we are all products of our childhoods.
I’m trying to move on from that and to embrace emotional intelligence which is something he never did.
Now though… whether it’s the mellowing that comes with age or that fact that he really wised up to what he was like, he’s changing too.
He’s far easier to be around that he was. ’
‘I can see that and I’m so happy for you both. It’s nice that you can salvage something of your relationship now before—’ She cut herself off, but Lucas finished for her.
‘Before it’s too late?’
‘Yes.’
‘I know what you mean. He’s elderly and frail and it could be too late if I didn’t act now. The same as with us, Thora, because time flies and I don’t want to waste another second but… You need to be certain that this is what you want too.’
‘You want me and everything that comes with me?’
‘My life right now looks pretty bleak and empty without you in it. Yes, I’m rebuilding things with Dad but if I go back to London, it’s just for work.
My friends there are all married, dating or having children.
My colleagues are just colleagues. I have money so I can travel and buy what I want but what do I actually need?
It’s no fun buying a new sofa on your own.
I hate having to make decisions like that and would much prefer to make them with you.
My bed is a super king and I lie on one side.
It’s empty and lonely and while I don’t dwell on those things, they’re true.
I’ve thought about what it would be like to snuggle up to you every night and I know it would be incredible. ’
‘Haven’t you ever fallen in love again?’ she asked gently.
‘No. I dated but I never found someone who made me laugh the way you did. Other women paled in comparison to you and the thought of marrying one of them or trying to settle down with one of them made no sense to me at all. It was always you, Thora. It could only ever be you. Seeing you again, being with you again has forced me to reevaluate everything and I know it’s only you I want and need.
Otherwise, I’ll be a sworn bachelor for the rest of my days. ’
‘Wow.’ She exhaled shakily. ‘I wouldn’t want that for you.’
‘Me either.’ He gave a wry laugh. ‘But what about you? Tell me, Thora, so I know what’s holding you back. If it’s just fear, then we can work through that together.’
Thora sipped her coffee and thought about what he’d asked. She owed it to him and to herself and her family to be fully open and honest now.
‘Some of the things I said last night still stand. My twins will always come first.’
‘And that’s because you’re an amazing mum.’
‘And I won’t leave my parents. They’re going to need me more as they age and I want to be here for them.’
‘As do I for my father.’
‘Good. That’s good.’ She breathed deeply. ‘And I… I’ve been ashamed of how things ended. I gave up too easily and if I could change that I would but the guilt about it… It still keeps me awake some nights.’
‘Well I’m telling you to let that go because we were both to blame in our own way, but we were young. Would you tell Rosie or Reggie it was their fault if they did something similar in the next few years?’
‘No. Of course not.’ She shook her head.
‘Then be kind to your younger self. Show the girl some compassion.’
‘You’re right. I know you’re right.’ She nodded. ‘But then there’s also the fear that we could hurt each other again.’
Lucas reached across the table and held out his hand and she took it, felt the warmth of his fingers as they closed around hers.
‘All relationships come with risk, Thora, but I promise you that if you give me another chance, I will spend the rest of my days doing everything I can to reassure you and to make you happy. The last thing I ever want is to hurt you again. Those wounds in your chest, I have them too, but we are older and wiser now and we can make this work. We have learnt from what happened before and I am prepared to give this my all. Are you?’
Thora pulled her hand gently from his and then she got up and walked around the table.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and sat down on his lap then gazed into his eyes.
‘I am prepared to give this my all. I love you, Lucas. I can’t deny that I’m scared and that I will have times when I falter because of insecurity and old fears rising, but I do want this with my whole heart.
If we can make this work, then I will be the happiest woman in not just Porthpenny, but in the world. ’
‘We can make this work, my love.’ The intensity of his gaze made her stomach flip, and she moved closer to him so their lips met. His mouth was warm and soft, his breath tickled her skin and she relaxed into the kiss, knowing that everything really would be OK.
When they eventually came up for air, Thora caught sight of the gardens though the window and she gasped. ‘Look how deep the snow is.’
‘As deep as my love for you,’ Lucas said with a chuckle. ‘Sorry, that was cheesy but it’s true. I think we should probably lock up and head down to the village.’
‘I think that’s a good plan,’ she replied.
So they turned the Christmas lights off then put on their coats and hats and locked the door.
Outside, Lucas took her hand, and their fingers intertwined as they crunched along the path to the gate.
Snow blanketed the hedges, trees and ground, making bulky white shapes of everything, and it was still drifting down, delicate as whispered dreams shared between lovers.
‘I adore this time of year,’ she said. ‘I haven’t enjoyed it as much for some time, even though I’ve tried to make it as good as possible for the children, but there was always the shadow of our breakup hanging over every December.
But now… everything seems fresh, clean and filled with endless possibilities. ’
‘And it is,’ Lucas said as he tugged open the gate then followed her though it. ‘This is our new start. Our new chapter. The one we write together.’
‘Everything that came in between was meant to happen.’ She looked up at him.
‘It was. The twins were meant to happen. Barry was meant to happen. And now we are meant to happen.’
‘Will you come home with me?’ she asked.
‘I would love to but what about Dad?’
‘I have a spare bedroom. He could stay over too if you think he’d be all right with that.’
‘And where will I sleep?’ he teased.
‘With me, of course.’ She squeezed his hand.
‘As long as you let him have full access to the TV and promise him a hearty breakfast, I’m sure he’ll be delighted to join us.’ Lucas smiled then pressed a kiss to her lips. ‘Let’s go and ask him.’
So they walked down to the village together, the snow crunching beneath their boots while more fell from the dark December sky.
‘I think this is going to be a very merry Christmas,’ she said.
‘I agree. This will be the best Christmas yet. The Christmas when we get to leave the ghosts of the past firmly in the past and to embrace the present while looking forward to the future.’
‘Merry Christmas, Lucas,’ Thora said.
‘Merry Christmas, my love.’